JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 "BMOC" -- Last Rewrite...in 1st post, beneath original version

Howdy yall! EDITED: PLEASE SEE HOPEFUL FINAL RE-WRITE RIGHT BELOW THE ORIGINAL VERSION, ON THIS POST -- 9/16!

Thought it was time to put my head back on the chopping block, so here is my latest offering called "BMOC" (for those of you still in high school ;), the acronym stands for Big Man On Campus...) . I'm not sure if the time line is too abrupt, but thought I'd mention it up front so you could keep an eye on 'er....

Per usual, all comments welcome....


"BMOC" -ORIGINAL VERSION

© Lyrics 2007 Beth Williams

She should’ve known better
But she was drawn to that letter
The “D” on his varsity jacket
Captain of the football team
Starring in her every dream
He was the Big Man on Campus

Pushed by drinks and a dare
She asked him then and there
If he believed in love at first sight
First amused by her nerve
Then aroused by each curve
He smiled and said “not ‘til tonight...”

Chorus:
In this little school pond
He had swum to the top
Master of his domain
The cream of the crop
If only she’d known
How hard it would be
To swim out in the real world
With her BMOC

Three years later, they married
A bouquet of dread she carried
Just breathe, she told herself, he’ill find his way
He had toasted her promotion
Even bought her favorite lotion
But relapsed to reminisce ‘bout glory days

Bridge:
He couldn’t let go, and it pained her to see
While she’d grown up, he was stuck in ‘83
Bound by a jacket with a capital “D”
The faded mantle of the BMOC

Chorus:
In this little school pond
He had swum to the top
Master of his domain
The cream of the crop
If only she’d known
How hard it would be
To swim out in the real world
With her BMOC


----------------------------------------------------


"BMOC" - LATEST AND HOPEFULLY LAST REWRITE, 9/16© Lyrics 2007 Beth Williams

She should’ve known better
But she was drawn to that letter
The “D” on his varsity jacket
Captain of the football team
Starring in her every dream
He was the Big Man on Campus

Pushed by drinks and a dare
She asked him then and there
If he believed in love at first sight
First amused by her nerve
Then aroused by each curve
He slyly said “not ‘til tonight”

Chorus:
In their little school pond
He had risen to the top
A magnet for all
The cream of the crop
Too caught up in his glory
To worry how it’d be
She set off into the real world
With her own BMOC

Soon enough her fantasy
Was challenged by the reality
Of his basking in the shadows of his moments in the sun
But too proud to admit it
For seven years she hid it
TIL HE TRIED TO PASS HER OFF TO SOME BUDDIES, "JUST FOR FUN"

Bridge:
That dare had set in motion
Like a sorcerer’s potion
A union that was not meant to be
She’d been envied in school
Now she was stuck and a fool
Listening to re-runs of 1983

Chorus:
In the world where they met
She’d worn his jacket with pride
But while she had outgrown it
He was still trapped inside.
It was time now to leave him
She no longer had to be
In the audience held captive
By THAT CHAMPION S.O.B.



Cheers,
Beth

Hi Beth,

Flows pretty good, nice story.
I like this part...but one small nit !

In this little school pond
He had swum to the top
Master of his domain
The cream of the crop
If only she’d known
How hard it would be
To swim out in the real world
With her BMOC


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Thanks for the visit Calvin...

Not exactly as profound as my song about 42 pills a day (I don't even remember the name -- LOL), but it was late, the moon was in retrograde (or not, I don't really know), and I just wanted to get it down on paper.

Easy enough suggestion, thank you...I'll go change that right now. I still can't decide if she stays or goes...

Anyhoo, thanks again!

Beth

Morning again Bethsledge,
It looks pretty good. A story often repeated for high School "jocks" I think. I had trouble with one spot-------------------------------
Three years later, they married
A bouquet of HOPE she carried
EACH DAY she told herself, HE'LL find his way
He had toasted her promotion
AND PROMISED HIS DEVOTION
But relapsed to reminisce ‘bout glory days
---------
I don't know exactly how it fits with your first two sections but aside from that, In the second line here, if she was dreading this, looks like she wouldn't have married the guy?
I stuck in a couple sugs and then "Lotion" seems like it might be "for the rhyme"
I think it's working pretty good
Wy
(Get 'er Arun <G>)

Beth,

I like this one alot and can relate to it. We all knew guys like that in school. When we see them at the reunion, they are still fully grounded in their youth and we feel relief that we had the good sense to look for someone who offered more.

This is very well written. It does flow nicely. The only nit I have is that maybe you could use the bridge a little more effectively to resolve the situation. It wasn't quite clear to me what the absolute outcome was going to be. I hear it possibly as country or maybe pop. What did you hear in your head? It's doing great though. Love the hook.

Later,

Jan

Beth, Beth, Beth.

if i got th4e astory straight. she had a crush, and then got what she wanted, then on her wedding day and from then on changed her mind? it sounds more like a man vice a woman.

seems to me she got what she wanted. Reguardless of whether or not she's happy... she got what she wanted...


fun song, but i think i missed the point.

cheers
steve

You'll have to forgive me this morning, Wy...I've had to resort to TEA..

Anyhow, it appears you and Janice both have found the cracks in the structure -- whhich I'm glad about, actually, because I wasn't sure how to resolve them...

About the DREAD vs. HOPE bouquet. I think this is the critical yet still TBD Turning Point Word of the piece. Ultimately, it will foreshadow the resolution -- does she suck it up and stay ("she shouldn've known better") or does she have the cajones to leave?

If I go the "hope" route, I very much like your version....then I'll just have to tweak a bit more in the bridge.

Regarding "lotion", it was a bit of a forced rhyme, but it was also a way to demonstrate that he could do things for her on his own initiative.

Still lots to do....thanks Wy!

Beth-o

Hey Janice,

Thanks for the kudos, but as I just said to Wy, you've all successfully forced my hand to present a RESOLUTION. Last night, vague seemed good...in the light of day, it is a cop-out.

I need to decide why she still went ahead with the marriage, based on what she apparently had already experienced with him, and then what does she do, once it finally hits home that he isnt' going to change.

Thank you for getting me to think about this...

As for music, believe it or not, I hear nothing. A bit of a problem for a future Grammy Award winner, eh? (LOL!!!) But honestly, because I come from the prose background, I rarely tend to think about a given piece of accompanying music...though based on the general story-telling format, it's probably be country? Dunno....

Ciao for now,
Beth

Steve, Steve, Steve,

ACTUALLY, the lack of point was strictly on PURPOSE, to see if you were still on your game on the eve of your departure home!!

Nah, you caught me being wishy-washy/lazy. I think the distinction will need to be between getting what she wanted vs. getting what she THOUGHT she wanted....and consequently, what does she do about it?

Need to scoot out for a while, hope to come back with a fresh eye a little later....

Hope you're still keeping your head low over there...

Beth

Beth,

I'm leaning toward country on this too, after reading it a few more times. Your form is definitely formula country. If you can give the bridge a little more emotional impact, we'll call Sara Evans!! Good luck on your resolution. Hope we talk later.

Jan

Good Morning Beth

Well at first read I felt the storytellin' and flow were top notch. Don't think anyone would have a problem singing it....Now reading the comments, I see folks want resolve....hmmmmm, but sometimes this is just the way it is. The person commits to marriage, and because of the vow...'settle for' what they got....I almost want to change the title to 'She Should Have Known Better' .... well it's your song so you get to decide. jm

HIDee Mz B!

Lessee...Bruce Springstein has "Glory Days" & I got an ol' one titled "When Ken & Barby Split Up"...Board 1 I think...

LIKE Your Title..hasn't been done before..Catchy!

V1 & 2 flow fine, V2's a Dandy!!!

Chorus, ponder "SWIMMING in the real world/with her BMOC"

V3'S "A bouqet of dread she carried" is YodaSpeak...yet fun. DOESN'T seem too-realistic, tho... It's JMO Usually AFTER a few years that The Bloom comes Off The Roses...(Took an Assistant of Mine 13 years & 2 kids to shed her HS Quarterback Hubby who'd drifted-deeply into Druggie-dom.) (Our HS Class "Ken-&-Barbie" Couple took even-longer to loathe each other.)

Wy's "Devotion" line's a great Sug to replace that "lotion"..heh!

GREAT Bridge!

Overall "KUDOS"...& prolly a Very Common Tale in Any Era. So much of "What's Cool in HS" turns "Icy" by College.

Good Luck with a Good'n', Nice Lady!

Big Hugs,
Stan

Hey Janice,

Thanks for your input....I apparently figured out part what was lacking -- SLEEP! I hung up from here, hobbled up the stairs, and feel into a golden slumber for FIVE HOURS (hubby home today). Until I was rudely awakened by someone phoning IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON for goodness sake .

Let me talk to the compadres here a bit first...

Thank you again...I do feel a bit formulaic (sp?), but I figure I should work on technique first, since this is still a relatively new arena for me....

Cheers,
Beth

Hi JM,

Thanks again for stopping by and for your positive feedback on your first pass-thru. I'm still struggling with how I want to proceed...before passing out for a few hours just now, I printed it out and tried to see how I might change it...I think I'm falling back into the question I faced with my miscarriage piece...do I need to "fix" it (resolution-wise, I mean)...

I do like the idea of a title, as it is a bit seductive ("she should've known better about WHAT?), but that might mean a re-write...oh well, I'm at least happy with where it's going so far, and grateful for all the input.

Thanks,
Beth

Hey Stan!

Glad you stopped by for a little look-see, and that you like how this baby opens so far....

SWIMMING was a perhaps too thinly veiled reference to the Big Fish in the Little Pond....what kind of fish would he be NOW? Of course, that opens up a whole new "HOOK" (hee hee, about the fish).

Working on that bouquet business, with Wy's help. As for the realism factor, that's why I had posed in my initial post the concern about the time-line. Maybe I should push things back, toss in a kid and a dog or two, and see where we land. That of course would help me lean towards staying...unless she's prepared to take off with her little guppies and puppies on her own....

Still much to do, hope to get back to it tonight. Having just slept the day away, I suspect I'll be up...

Gotta get the gal off the bus and prepped for DANCE....

over and out!!
Beth

Glad you had a good rest. Apparently, I need that to,judging from the silliness I just penned and am about to post. (glutton for punishment). Still, continued good luck on this one. Now that you're rested, you should have an all new perspective...

See Ya,

Jan

Hi Beth... I think what you've written is top notch writing...
I wondered whether you were reaching with lotion or had planned it...made me wonder for a second but then it passed....
..It's begging for something else...but I'm up in the air..
as to offer any satisfying bridge idea... maybe...hmmmm...
maybe call it what Joice is suggesting...and then...ham it up a bit more..make it more...exagerated...and then could you get away with out a resolution? don't know......

will be watching......
hugs...
Kaley

Hi Beth,

I like it. I do like the hope on her wedding day. As for resolve, you can have it, or not. Most people I know, are hopeful on their weddind day. If she decides to leave, you can make her thankful not to have any kids, or not... Or you can leave it almost as is, and I'll still be happy with it. Good luck with this one.

Hi Beth

liked the read, but the time-line through me off, seems to me the "Dare" would have worn off before three years had passed, so it's hard to feel pity for the singer. Now if this was a "Vegas" wedding it would be more understandable...

rittman

Hey all,

I agree the time line is what's making this more challenging. I haven't written it out yet, but I think I'm leaning towards pushing it way out -- as in, 10-15 years later. Three years after that dare, they'd still be together because he was THE guy to be with...she'd probably still be on a high for having nabbed him...and even after graduation, they'd both still be caught up in the post college excitement...

Again, maybe that's a spot where I could tuck in the "She should've known better"...than to marry him, but once again was blinded by what she thought he WAS and necessarily how that reflected on her. I still can't decide if I want her to be strong or weak or maybe just "older and wiser"...I think I'm leaning towards the latter...as in she found out too late that life as Mrs. BMOC wasn't all that it was cracked up to be (HMMMM...that does have a certain RHYMING quality....).

Back later, just wanted to pop in and acknowledge the recent posts....now it's kid/bed prep time, so tune in later, hope to have more for you!! If anyone else has other thoughts, feel free to chime in!

Thanks,
Beth

Hi again, Ritt,

Just curious, as I'm re-reading the last few posts to get myself jumpstarted here....do you think having pity for the singer is mandatory? I'm sorta thinking she made her bed, now's she's got to lie in it....

Hmmmm.
Beth

HI John,

You are my "ace up the sleeve" if I can't pull off any earth shattering changes to this. While it would be easy to say "like it or lump it", that would defeat the whole purpose of the give and take here.

Thank you for giving me a bit of confidence about my original direction...

Beth

Hi Kaley,

Sorry I didn't get a chance to respond to you earlier, but I had to come back: for you see, hearing someone of your caliber refer to my efforts as "top notch writing" is quite a thrill!

I've been trying to take into consideration everyone's comments, and I'm stuck. I know it's MY song, but I like all the different suggestions I'm getting, and some are mutually exclusive...

Oh well, back to the drawing board!

Thanks again,
Beth

Hi Ms Beth!

Always remember that it IS your song and you are the one that needs to be happy with whatever your choose to do! yeah..easier said than done, huh? LOL Opinions are like noses...we've all got one! Sometimes our suggestions don't really IMPROVE the lyric, they are just different ways to approach it.

My opinion..therefore..is that I don't like songs that don't resolve. Yep..I've written them also...but they always leave me feeling restless and ill at ease. But then I am a solutions person...so if someone is not happy with their situation, I want them to have the gumption to figure out what to DO so they don't stay stuck there. Otherwise, I have little emphathy for someone on the pitty potty too long. Sometimes choices are not easy..and sometimes they aren't even apparent...so you have to assess your situation and move a bit in one direction or the other to see what happens.

You are an excellent writer with a real talent for communicating. I could relate to this story because, to a certain degree this was the story of my first marriage. As you can tell by that statement that it was not my last...I did finally get the courage to get out and move on. My insight would be that sometimes we create an imaginary reality that we WANT the other person to be...when they are not!! One reason I did not get out when I should have was that I did not want to admit I was wrong about him...that he wasn't the perfect man I WANTED him to be. Dunno if that might send you in a different direction...but you might consider the implications for your story here.

All the best with this. Now I have to get back to packing. YIKES!!!

Hugs,
Bobbie

HI Bobbie,

First off, if you don't mind my asking, just where are you going? Mr. Wy has certainly alluded to your departure on more than one occasion, and again, I'm looking for RESOLUTION.

As for the SONG in question, let me thank you thank you thank you for not only your additional insights but your kind comments about my writing. It's so funny about this business...some days I'm thinking I am just the cat's meow...other days, I feel like a coughed up furball!

As much as I thought it was my lack of sleep preventing me from moving forward, I think I'm just not sure where I want it to go....Once that decision has been made, hopefully the pen will start jumping up and down with excitement, eager to finish her off!

On that note, I am going to put the aforementioned pen away for now...and revisit it probably tomorrow.

Thanks for your advice and always pleasant visit!

Cheers,
Beth

Heya MZ B

Ok to start of with the bomc comb thing is dynamite any way to work it in? Seriously though I love the story telling going on I do agree with Joice top notch writing here.

Ok now onto the other stuff. I don't quite like the story being told call me fickle. I would like to see this wishy washy guy get his, one way or another. I guess I am seeing this from the standpoint of needing to see a strong woman. This gal is not strong by any means.

Lets see her force him to start making some changes ala "Daddy's come around to momma's way of thinkin'" by Paul Overstreet. I don't want resoultution like she just leaves or stays I'd like to see her kick him in the butt and tell him off. Now that would make me wanna stand up and cheer for this gal!

This is all keep or sweep but maybe it will help you through the muddlness. That said feel free to shred any lyrical ideas I have to pieces in kind lol. Take care!

Good monring, Derek!

Thanks so much for your comments and input....though I don't think I'll end up going quite as far as the Thelma And Louise angle, the thought of it is pretty funny. Imagine BMOC coming back from a night out with the boys, reliving the good ole days, only to find singer has cut up his varsity jacket and made a nice patchwork quilt out of it..."This way, you'll have it forever, honey" or some other wisecrack. The Big D would be right in the middle, surrounded by beautiful lace and pink fabrics -- the antithesis of his studliness.

That might end up being Version Two!

Thanks, and hope to get back to it all today....tons of errands, blah blah blah.

Later Gang!
Beth

Morning Beth

well I see this is in third person, so the singer needn't draw pity, but I'm thinking doesn't this come down to making women look like guys, chasing after the star looker, but ya see guys are smarter we don't marry every baton twirler re run into LOL

I've noticed on this thread it seems to be something women can relate with, so I'm thinking if there's going to be any resolution, it should center on, don't expect to change your partner, and a crush is just infatuation. There is also the aspect of how society conditions us to be with the "coolest" person, and not to worry about the future, as long as friends are jealous, that's all that matters.

rittman

Hiya Beth,

I'm gonna jump right to it.

I like the idea of a Dead End girl. A lot! Unfortunately your first verse doesn't want to cooperate. Especially when you consider how brave a woman must be (sorry ajk) to make the first move in a relationship. Juiced or not - she went for it.

Now add the confidence to say,"Do you believe in love at first sight?", and it's safe to assume that this woman is a hard one to break. But she does... and only 4 lines into the chorus.

So yeah, I think this girl's gotta fix her problem before she crosses that bridge into the final chorus. Or she'll be forever known as,"oh her!". Which I find so unfortunate... 'cause I really hoped she wouldn't have to turn herself around.

Still likable either way,
Randy -Dog

Hey Rittman,

I'm getting close to a resolution in my mind....just need to crank it out after the kids go to bed tonight!!

Thanks for your input!

Beth

Hey Pogo,

Thinking I have a way to work this out to everyone's satisfaction -- and of course, most importantly, mine .

Just in the idea stage, but hope to get to it tonight!!

Thanks for stopping by and for sharing...I'm glad people feel comfortable being straight with me....

xoxox,
Beth

Hey Gang,

Before heading off to beddy-bye, I just had to bump this sucker up to embarass myself into finishing it....So many great SUGS, so little time....

Yup, have been MIA with the same old, same old, but I'm hankering to get back on here soon!!!

Hope you haven't missed me too much (ha ha ha).

Apparently Still Not a Powerball-Winning Millionaress,
Beth

HEY...DID A LITTLE RE-WRITING...GOT THE RIGHT BAD GUY THIS TIME....SKIP MY COMMENTS HERE, AND JUST SCOOT DOWN TO THE RED EDITS....ANY THOUGHTS? 9/16/07 EDIT

Well, I finally followed thru on my rewrite on this song. I must say, I spent way too much time on it (albeit, in between other life things I had going on), but I'm not even so sure it was worth the effort...I think I tried to take in too many conflicting suggestions, and ended up with an "Oh, hmmm...interesting..." kind of lyric. PLUS, I made the strategical error of popping in now and again, looking for inspiration to persevere...and instead I sabotaged myself by seeing other people tossing up songs like confetti.

BUT, I'm not yet ready to throw in the lyricist towel...So please let me know what you think. I don't anticipate spending much more time with it, so feel free to comment away....

Thanks too, for being so patient, and I'm sorry I haven't been able to keep up with the rest of the gang's activities.... Hopefully this weekend.....

So without further ado,


BMOC REVISED 9/14© Lyrics 2007 Beth Williams

She should’ve known better
But she was drawn to that letter
The “D” on his varsity jacket
Captain of the football team
Starring in her every dream
He was the Big Man on Campus

Pushed by drinks and a dare
She asked him then and there
If he believed in love at first sight
First amused by her nerve
Then aroused by each curve
He slyly said “not ‘til tonight”

Chorus:
In their little school pond
He had risen to the top
A magnet for all
The cream of the crop
Too caught up in his glory
To worry how it’d be
She set off into the real world
With her own BMOC

Soon enough her fantasy
Was challenged by the reality
Of his basking in the shadows of his moments in the sun
But too proud to admit it
For seven years she hid it
TIL HE TRIED TO PASS HER OFF TO SOME BUDDIES, "JUST FOR FUN"

Bridge:
That dare had set in motion
Like a sorcerer’s potion
A union that was not meant to be
She’d been envied in school
Now she was stuck and a fool
Listening to re-runs of 1983

Chorus:
In the world where they met
She’d worn his jacket with pride
But while she had outgrown it
He was still trapped inside.
It was time now to leave him
She no longer had to be
In the audience held captive
By THAT CHAMPION S.O.B.

Evenin' Beth,

Nice re-write. And I still recognise the characters. Well done! (... and you kept her at a dead end -I enjoy reality!)

The chorus, second verse and bridge tell a better story. Also, I like the idea of a rotating chorus. But (of course), IMO... I think you need to move some of the original details from chorus A into chorus B, in doing so you satisfy both, the rotation and repetition - while making the whole dang thing easy for me to remember.

Some sugs , KOS:

She should’ve known better
But she was drawn to that letter
The “D” on his varsity jacket
Captain of the football team
Starring in her every dream
He was the Big Man on Campus

Pushed by drinks and a dare
She asked him then and there
If he believed in love at first sight
First amused by her nerve
Then aroused by each curve
He slyly said “not ‘til tonight”

Chorus:
In their little school pond
He had risen to the top
A magnet for all
The cream of the crop
Too caught up in his glory
To worry how it’d be
She set off into the real world
With her own BMOC

Soon enough her fantasy
Was challenged by the reality
Shadows never get their moment in the sun
Much too proud to admit it
For seven years she hid it
'Til his drunken buddy laughed “ain't your girl fun.”

Bridge:
That dare had set in motion
Like a sorcerer’s potion
A union that was not meant to be
She’d been envied in school
Now she was stuck and a fool
Listening to re-runs of 1983

Chorus:
In their little school pond
He had risen to the top
A magnet for all
The cream of the crop
Too caught up in his glory
To worry how it’d be
In the audience held captive
By that BMOC with a capital “D”... !

Kudos & XO's
Pogo - Randy

Beth.
Nice work on the rewrite. You selected some good advice to follow, and I have to agree with Pogo that the characters didn't get lost in the rewrite, and your theme comes through much more clearly now.

I might also agree with Pogo in his advise about the timelines in the chorus. It would seem to fit the chronology better.

All in all I really like the song. It's one of those lyrics that creates it's own music when I read the lyric. I love it when that happens.

Great Job.

Post deleted by Derek Hines

Hey Bethsledge,
I think that's much better. Seems tco me it resolves in the last C. She's decided to leave him. I guess you could make the fifth line--last C read---now she had left him ,but I don't see a lot of advantage in that. The chorus's transition all right for me.
Seven years isn't an unusual time for a woman to stay with a bad marriage. Many stay longer. That always amazes me in this day and age. There used to be a real stigma attached to a divorced woman but no more
Wy

Hi Beth

Ok I had replied to this one earlier and stated I didn't see enough change cause she was still with him. I think I musta drank to strong of oatmeal :o. I see now she did leave him in that last chorus. Ok whew now I feel tons better great rewrite only thing I'd change is to have her burning his jacket as she leaves but that's just me.
Sincerely
Derek

Hi Beth,

You rewrite was well done and really tightened your lyric. I think you have a clever way of writing, complete with rhymes and in this case some sarcasm thrown in for good measure. This song does succeed in telling a story (albeit not a happy one). I like the Big Man on Campus concept but wonder if it will confuse listeners who are an unfamiliar with the acronym BMOC??? I understand using the "groping" line to set an example of just how bad things had gotten, but I wonder if an artist would want to sing that. Didn't know if you could somehow just refer to him as the Big Man on Campus and not use BMOC and use another scenario instead of the "groping line"??? Just my opinion of course.

I wanted to compliment you on these really clever lines:

If he believed in love at first sight
First amused by her nerve
Then aroused by each curve
He slyly said “not ‘til tonight”

and

In the world where they met
She’d worn his jacket with pride
But while she had outgrown it
He was still trapped inside.

Best,
Lynn

Hey Pogo,

PHEW...I'm glad you liked it....I suspect we all overthink these things and lose the forest for the trees sometimes (or is it the other way I around )...

Anyway, part of my overthinking was about the very lines you addressed. I was clinging to the line "basking in the shadows of his moments in the sun"....and while it was certainly long...I wonder if your suggestion (seemingly making HER the "shadow") if it's clear enough that he is still rambling on and on about his glory days. I do love your line, though. Also, while I like the last line, does it give a good enough reason to indicate it was "the last straw" for her? Hmmmm, I'll have to think on that...

As for your suggestions on the chorus, I think that makes good sense to bring more of chorus A into chorus B. Again, I was so enamored with the "faded mantle" line, I got stuck. But I think you've lost the actual announcement that she is leaving him, and I wonder if the last line is too long. Re-reading your comment about keeping her at a dead end, did you get that she was going to leave? NOW you've got me thinking about adding in the S.O.B. BMOC...do you think people would get the S.O.B. acronym (Son of a B ----)?

Anyhoo, while your comments are sending me back to the drawing board, I truly appreciate you investing your time to help me make this a stronger piece. You have a lot of good suggestions for me to mull over. You're the DOG (HAR HAR!)!!

Thanks a lot...let me see what the rest of the gang is thinking....

Back atcha,
Beth

Hey there Pietro,

Two for two, yippee....so happy you liked it too (though I suspect you MIGHT be angling for some inside info on the next song challenge )!

Pogo has some good sugs, I'm definitely going to play around with it some more....as much as I said I was SICK of it, I'm re-energized with the positive feedback....

Ciao for now.....and look for the Song Challenge some time today...I already know what I want to do...just trying to see if I can come up with a song in time to kick it off....we'll see.

Thanks again for your generous comments!
Beth

Hey there Wy,

Thanks for your feedback, O Coffeemeister (not sure if that's a word, but it sounds fun to me.)

I did take into consideration a lot of the feedback that had been given to me the first time around....and I think the crux of my problem had been since I had defined her as someone who was caught up in how things appeared, what would she do when her life turned out differently than she had expected? I think it was Bobbie who gave me the idea of her being too proud to admit she had made a mistake and so it took more than just a little while to let go of the fantasy. But I did think it was important to for her to leave.

Guess I'll be going back to the drawing board for a little bit...but I feel like I've got some great ideas for the final tweak!!

Ciao for now,
Mrs. Folger

Hey Derek,

I have to say, I had peaked at this thread just prior to taking the boy to soccer practise (in the rain, fun fun fun!), and I was a bit surprised by your comments about lack of resolution. I was starting to doubt myself...didn't I make it clear what happened? So upon my return, I was delighted to see THIS post, that you realized that it HAD gone somewhere!

As for your idea about doing some damage to his jacket, I had actually tried to think of a way to do that...I didn't want to burn it or do any permanent damage to it, because she's not a mean person....in one version, I had had the BMOC tell her to get him a beer, and she had poured it on his head (with the implication that he was wearing the dumb jacket). I may still try to work that in, b/c the more I think about it, I'm not sure if I want a drunken buddy to be the reason for her departure....

Thanks for keeping me thinking....

Beth

Hey Lynn,

How are you on this gloomy wet Saturday (at least in MY neighborhood)??

Anyway, thank you for your comforting words about my rewrite, especially when you pulled out some of my favorite sections as well.

You've got me thinking about the whole groping scene....as I just said to Derek, who had been trying to get me to burn the jacket to kingdom come ( :o ), I'm thinking I might want to put the onus back on the hubby to be the one who sets up "the last straw" scenario which sends her packing.

As for the BMOC acronym...hmmmmm, I see what you're saying, and I'd have to go back to see where and how I had used it, but I'll probably stick with it as I like it for the title too. Whether the fact that it spells COMB backwards will ever be a consideration come Grammy time is another matter entirely( )!!

So thank you for giving me more suggestions for consideration. I think I have a much stronger sense of the song now, and really want to make it work.

As an aside, while this seemingly-endless re-write reminds me how long this process can be for me compared to some others, I have to remember that I just started doing this about five months ago, and I need to cut myself some slack. So thanks to all for your patience!!

Ciao for now,
Beth

Beth, your lyric was very clear about her leaving...! So why did I make this comment? "... and you kept her at a dead end ...!" I'm not sure anymore, and why use (parentheses)?

Strange!

And unlike derek, with his oatmeal alibi, I have nothing but a wheat thin to back me up. Consumed hours before posting what now appears to be a message to myself.


Mental note: Proof then Post!


Sorry 'bout the confusion!

XO Pogo -Randy

Aw, Beth can take it Randy, she's had lot's worse things happen to her<G>
Wy

Hey there, Pogo,

As Wy said, don't fret for a second about me. In fact, your comments (erroneous though they might have been! :o ) forced me to revisit that aspect of the song (though I haven't done the re-write yet, too busy trying to crank out a song for the challenge.... ). It also helped me loosen my grip on some phrased that were keeping me stuck in the mire.

So thanks for revisiting...and Wy, thanks for letting him off the hook before I could!!

Off to go see what's cooking on the challenge....I'm so excited, I actually came up with one I just finished....I'll post mine, then go back in to make comments...fun fun fun!!

Ciao for now,Beth

Mornin Beth...

I thought you did a good rewrite too...
I'm wondering about the last line here...
is there a pronoun problem or not.....
who is the HE.... does that refer back to the HIS or the
drunken buddy.....
and I guess I'm the oddone out...I'm not getting the connection here.... Did the husband..just sit there and allow it.....?
is that the idea...(sorry i really can be dense)....
because I'm not getting the connection other wise....why that was the defining moment...

Let me read it again....I'm probably just being dense.....
Hugs....
Kaley


Soon enough her fantasy
Was challenged by the reality
Of his basking in the shadows of his moments in the sun
But too proud to admit it
For seven years she hid it
Til his drunk buddy groped her, and HE laughed “we’re just havin’ fun.”

Hey Kaley,

You are not mistaken...in fact, you are quite astute in helping to point out the critical flaw in the re-write. As I said to someone on an earlier post, I'm going to have to change that part, because I want the "last straw" to be caused by the hubby, not by someone else, even if it's his friend, or "hubby-by-default". Yes, the intent had been that he just let it happen, that he was still so caught up with his buddies, he didn't even blink when one of his buddies was getting fresh. While that was close to what I was aiming for, I do think I need to take it to the next level and have the hubby do something unacceptable...

Got caught up in the song challenge last night, so didn't have a chance to work on that piece. Hope to do that today while the kids are at soccer...

Thanks for stopping by and sharing your wisdom !

Beth

Whoops, I guess I need to POST that I made some new edits...I know, I'm making you work on this one...you'll need to scroll back up to find my edits in red.

I did nail the hubby, and made sure she left. Though I had trouble bringing much of the first chorus into the second chorus to wrap up the story. I also threw in a last-minute acronym...which I thought might be interesting in that she first thought he was the B.M.O.C. and now she realizes he's just an S.O.B. Don't know if cutting that last BMOC "allows" me to leave the title as is, since I only use the acronym once now I think.....

Don't knock yourselves out on this one, as I'm pretty much ready to put it to bed...looks like there are a lot of good new songs to spend your time on. But by all means, chime in if you'd like....

Thanks!
Beth