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I took your suggestions to heart & this is the result! How's it look?
Charlann
IIT TAKES A LOVE SONG… (revised 7-9-07, 6:40 p.m. est) ©2007charlannshepherd
It was “Only You” that we first slow danced to. Moving together, as one, not two. So we twirled and swirled across the floor And when the music stopped, we begged for more.
It’s a love song that makes a heart strong. One you listen to all night long. You’ve touched my heart, Oh, I can’t explain. Dance with me to one more refrain.
“Wonderful Tonight” was what you sang to me Just before you whispered, “marry me.” I answered back “ye-assess, oh yes.” With this love we’ve both been tru-u-ly blessed.
It’s a love song that makes a heart strong. One you listen to all night long. You’ve touched my heart, Oh, I can’t explain. Dance with me to one more refrain.
BRIDGE The music of our lives Is the best of both our worlds. A collaboration shifted into overdrive.
It’s a love song that makes a heart strong. One you listen to all night long. You’ve touched my heart, Oh, I can’t explain. Dance with me to one more refrain. Our love song makes our hearts strong.
Last edited by Charlann Shepherd; 07/09/07 09:41 PM.
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Charlann, very touching. After he is gone he can't dance with her one more time- she might want him to still. Might be one chorus too many. You may try to alter the rhyme scheme from verse to chorus. The way this goes it seems like "One Last Refrain" might be the more natural title. You have expressed the emotion very well.
John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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I like the first part of the song, Charlann, but ... just my own preference here ... I think a happy ending would fit this better. Reading through the lyrics, I was getting a happy, bouncy tempo which came to a screeching halt with your last verse. I'm not sure I understand how the love song told her he was gone. To me, this needs a strong bridge instead of another verse anyway.
Don't know if that helps or not, but that's my thoughts on it. Good luck!
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Hi Charlann, I just had a thought on your very sweet song. Will try to come back when I have more time. (trying to record a melody right now) maybe use "said" instead of "asked". is much easier to sing. and since you've got it written in statement form---"marry me". Sounds so romantic that way too-----as a statement (to me anyway). Oh, and I like the refrain line. Does sound like a good hook like was mentioned. Vanessa
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I like the expression here but I think you can still improve on it.good write.
odk
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Hey there John, Mary Lou, Vanessa & Nightingale!
Thanks you so much for the suggestions. I have made some revisions - I deleted the last verse so it ends on a happier note & came up with a bridge that I think might work. Please let me know what you think!
Charlann
IT TAKES A LOVE SONG… ©charlannshepherd2007
It takes a love song, to make a heart strong. One you wanna listen to all night long. Sing it to me over and over again. Dance with me to one last refrain.
It was a love song that we first slow danced to. It felt so funny, we didn’t really know what to do. So we twirled and twirled around the floor And when the music stopped, we begged for more.
It takes a love song, to make a heart strong. One you wanna listen to all night long. Sing it to me over and over again. Dance with me to one last refrain.
It was a love song that you sa-ang to me When you got down on one knee and softly said “marry me.” I answered back “yes, oh yes, oh yes.” This was one thing I didn’t have to guess.
It takes a love song, to make a heart strong. One you wanna listen to all night long. Sing it to me over and over again. Dance with me to one last refrain.
Our love song is full of different melodies. Special times for you and me.
It takes a love song, to make a heart strong. One you wanna listen to all night long. Sing it to me over and over again. Dance with me to one last refrain.
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Charlann, much improved.
John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Thanks John!
I didn't really like that sad ending anyway.
Charlann
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bumping for fresh revision!
Charlann
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Hi, Charlann, Looks pretty good. Unless you need it for some reason, it seems like "really" could be cut out of this line- " It felt so funny, we didn’t (really) know what to do Possibility of replacing one of the twirles with swirled So we (swirled) and twirled around the floor I agree, 4 chorus's may be a bit much You may want "softly" in there, but otherwise seems like it makes this line a bit long When you got down on one knee and (softly) said “marry me A nice romantic song though. Good luck with it Wy
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Hi, Charlann. I love the premise of this. The awkwardness and the fun. A few suggestion, if I may:
It was a love song that we first slow danced to. WE LOOKED so AWKWARD, we didn’t really know what to do. So we Swirled and twirled around the floor When the music stopped, OUR FEET begged for more.
A SIMPLE love song, to make OUR heartS strong. One WE wanTED TO listen to all night long. SANG IT TO EACH OTHER AGAIN AND again. EVEN NOW IT TAKES US BACK WHEN.
A LITTLE love song that you sa-ang to me When you got down on one knee and softly said “marry me.” I answered back “yes, oh yes, oh yes.” xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (I'd use something else for that line-seems contrived.
And, on and on.........something like that. I think it could use some additional descriptors/story parts/examples. Best of luck with it.
"Grits is one of those country-boy words that is both singular and plural-like deer, elk and sheep. I think the singular is appropriate when there's a modifier that makes it clear one is talking about something specific. Like, 'Grits are good for you, but these here grits is tasty.'"~~Joe Wrabek
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Thanks Wyman!
i'll work on applying your suggestions tomorrow!
Charlann
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Chralann,
I think i came across the weak point in this song. perhaps you could name the songs that made you feel this way. since there were soo many love songs. it makes your lyric generic, although i am sure you had songs in mind. it will bring on a whole new life to your song. keep or sweep.
cheers -steve
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Hey Tricia!
These suggestions are awesome! I'll see what I can do with it later today. I'm making a list of songs that I could put in right now.
Thanks!
Charlann
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I like what I see there now Charlann.....not saying it can't be made better, but what you have is pretty solid...
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
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Hi Charlann,
There's some good lines in here, I love:
"It takes a love song, to make a heart strong"
YAY, it's your hook...
Again/refrain is a little weak, imo; a forced rhyme, as saying "again" with a long a sound in not the natural way; also "refrain" has a double meaning (avoid, stay away from) that cuts against the grain of your intended meaning.
Nothing else stands out as problemmatic, to me. The bridge's first line:
"Our love song is full of different melodies"
doesn't exactly sell me on
"Special times for you and me"
--I think it's the word "different" which feels "indifferent" to whether the couples "times" are good, bad, or otherwise. Maybe a more positive descriptive there, like delicious, heartfelt, etc...
Best wishes, Mike
Last edited by closemike; 07/09/07 03:52 PM.
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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Thanks John!
I appreciate your encouragement!
Charlann
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great lines and beautiful words,really I enjoyed this.
odk
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Hey Mike!
I just posted a revision at the top. I think I've fixed the trouble spots. What do you think?
Charlann
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Hi Charlann, I know you're constantly re-writing, so I'm just gonna throw out one line for now (that I find kinda, eeehhhhhh): "It takes a love song, to make a heart strong" If ever a line appeared written for the rhyme, this is it. Think about it...the inverse of this would be, "Without a love song, your heart can't be strong" Ben
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HI Charlann, This is real nice with some good lines. Now you have to start paring it down for music. Here is an example of what I mean - Less is best and simple is not so simple to write. but, it is always the better lyric. The emotion Reminds me of "Can I Have this dance for the rest of my life."
It's a love song to make a heart strong ******or (It's an old song to make a love strong) One you want to listen to all night long Sing it to me / over again Dance with me to one ****(more) refrain
It was a love song we first danced to So good. we knew what to do ***** We swirled and twirled around the floor The music stopped, we begged for more CHORUS: It was a love song that you sang to me Down on one knee, you asked, "Marry me" I answered, "yessss,// Oh yes **************************** A lyric and melody success (possible new line)
*********** (possible new bridge) The songs we share together (Smoothe) us {there's a better word for smoothe???} through the good and bad weather
CHORUS:
Keep or sweep Idamarie
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Thanks Ben -
I'm so confused now! i built the whole song on that hook!
Charlann
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Hey Ida Marie!
I'm still learning the tricks of the trade here, so I really appreciate your suggestions.
I've posted the revision at the top of the thread. How did I do?
Charlann
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Your picture reminds me of Judy Hollier, my good friend from Australia. She is also an excellent lyracist. Your doing fine ,girl. Keep pluggin'. By the way, E-mail me your address and I will send you some practice tapes. Idamarie
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Thanks Idamarie!
It's on it's way!
I really appreciate all your help!
Charlann
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Hi Charlann,
I kept meaning to post on this, but you've been getting some great suggestions along the way, so I'm glad I had to wait until now.
First off, love the story. Simple premise, yet so sweetly told. I did have a little trouble staying on track with the rhythm in spots, but I am in no position to cast stones on this point as the Reigning Queen of More is Never Enough (ha ha!)
Seriously, good job, and you should be proud of your tenacity. But as I believe my 33rd cliche of the day proclaims, "all good things are worth waiting for."
Ciao for now, Beth (aka Gem)
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Thanks Beth!
This is a special one for me. I had to put it on the back burner for a while and let it simmer, but now the flavor is really coming through.
Hmmm, worth waiting for - I may have to write that lyric. It seems to be a phrase that is said quite often between my guy and I. One day, we might even live in the same state and time zone!
Charlann
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Charlann,
I liked the songs you inseterted. well known, and they immediately painted a picture. Good Job (pats on the shoulder) I don't know i am sold on the hook, try this, say it 15 different ways. or you may wish to drop "to make your heart strong" because it is implied. lovesongs like what you mentioned don't tear people apart...
good luck and good job on putting those songs in there. -steve
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Hey Steve!
I'm glad you like the songs I chose. I'm not sure if I can change that hook = I've gotten pretty attached to it lately.
congrats on you daughter!
Charlann
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