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Joined: May 2004
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Hi guys and gals, I know it's been forever since I posted, but I thought this one was worth a second opinion..... I met Javier on NuevasMusicas.org, Priscilla Hernandez's New Age site...
This one is about a vagabond whose time has come to slow down and assess where he's at and what it's taken out of him to get there......Old age wearin' him down....
VAGABOND'S EARLY DAWN Javier Llorente co-write
Now after so long, the morning finds me here Waiting for your voice to call me home Feels like it's been a hundred thousand years I'm so tired of walking this road alone
Crying aloud, surrounded by my fears Looking for someone I call my friend The darkness goes away, the dawn is here Now the night is coming to an end
Sunshine, sunshine, won't you come down Part the clouds around my eyes My path glows so brightly before me now I listen as your spirit cries
I just can't regret or wish I wasn't here I've chosen every path along my road Maybe I just deserve to live without a tear Golden light in the sky, so very dark below
Take to wing, soar above and see where we are So fragile, yet immortal, infinite, like the stars
Souls I knew and loved, back in times of war Voices call me from times long past Their cries resonate within my very core Suddenly it all rings clear at last
Sunshine, sunshine, rise over me now Take my darkness far away Life just runs, I don't know how I live as the time goes by
So tired, so tired, I long for a fire…
Last edited by snake; 03/22/07 05:42 PM.
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Hi Snake, Is this "New Age" stuff? I don't know a lot about New Age music but this seems kind of "normal" to me.Not far from some stuff I write. I like it. What makes it New Age? A couple lines I don't really understand.---I'm not sure who is calling him home or who's spirit cris. Maybe we're not "supposed" to know. This next to last line seems weak--I live as the time goes by-- When else "would" he live? I know there is or was a lot of New Age gatherings out around Sedona, Arizona. I'll have to say they have a beautiful place to do it in. I've heard that property--land values around there have got outlandish, so maybe it priced them out. Overall I still like the song. i take it that it's supposed to leave us "wondering" in other words be a bit mystical Wy
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Joined: Apr 2007
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I haven't had enough coffee yet to give you a detailed critique, but off the top of my head, I've gotta say, I like this a lot. Enough so that reading the lyrics makes me just... yearn to hear it. I'm especially fond of that last line--partly because it's just a nice line, and partly because it (and a few other parts of the song) reminds me of one of my favorite literary characters.
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Thanks man, it's good to hear that this one made such a good impression on you......
I am quite proud of it, I have lived through the whole vagabond scene so I relate, and Javier's collab made the piece what it is....
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I don't really know that lyrics in and of themselves fit into any kind of genre, but the environment that I worked in, and the people who are members of the forum therein, work within those parameters..... The issue of genre is so subjective that one could honestly say that individual components of a piece of music could fit one or another, just on merit of their own opinion.
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Joined: Jan 2003
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snake.... nice to meet you!! good overall, but i don't like the third line, "feels like it's been ten thousand years". would someone actually say that??? none of us are going to be around that long so maybe "a hundred years" (still stretching it), or, "it's been ten thousand tears". maybe something like that??? enjoyed the song dude!! scotty
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The line is actually, "Feels like it's been a hundred thousand years".....
It's a metaphor, and yeah, people do talk like that....
But, all nits aside, I do thank (all of you) for reading this one, and giving your thoughts on it.....
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Joined: Jun 2002
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Hi Snake,
I did a critique at home of this about three weeks ago but due to kids' springbreak, etc, etc, I haven't been online for awhile. Thanks for the feedback on my song.
I like this, but without the title I am not sure I would have gotten what the song is about. Could you include vagabond somewhere in the song?
I am finding it interesting to move lines around in a song. Try switching the last two lines of each verse. Then you would have an abba rhyme scheme. The thoughts here feel more connected and flowing to me that way. Try it, you might like it.
I didn't like the line I've chosen every path along my road and I didn't understand Maybe I just deserve to live without a tear.
Also felt you could switch the two Sunshine, Sunshine sections and those thoughts would flow better. (Assuming I am getting your meaning correctly)
So tired, so tired, I long for a fire... I love how this line sounds. Just thinking out loud here. This line makes me think of evening by itself, of course, I guess a vagabond would stoke the fire at night and would get it going in the morning. I do picture him rising from the ground and reaching for the dawn.
Well, keep or sweep, I like how this addresses the issues a vagabond faces without spelling it out.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Hi Snake...
I thought this was good writing... ( & nice to meet you...welcome)
I wondered about this line too
Maybe I just deserve to live without a tear.....could you explain what you meant there...I didn't get that...
best to you Kaley....
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Very nice to meet you, too.....
Actually, those lines which are being questioned were written by my co-writer, and for that reason I have left them alone. I do indeed read and actively consider each and every idea that you guys give me, but sometimes I don't want to change what someone else wrote.
However, (and you knew this was coming, didn't you?) I will see what I can do, because this one is kind of weak in some places.
Thank you very much for your interaction!
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Joined: Aug 2001
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Howdy Snake! Just liked it. Chuck Crowe
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HiDee Snake!
I'm same mind as Unka Chuck...an excellent job of Word-Weavin'!
Hats Off to You & Your Co-Writer!
Best Wishes/Good Luck with this Nice One, Stan
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I just can't regret or wish I wasn't here I've chosen every path along my road Maybe I just deserve to live without a tear Golden light in the sky, so very dark below (suggest a change in this line as below:)
Hi, Snake, I haven't been around for a while. But I appreciate your very flattering comments on a bridge I originally wrote for Things I Left Behind. At any rate, I overall like this; and I think we can sometimes go into overkill on trying to analyze meaning. For me it is more important that each line directly follow the thought before it and lead into the thought after it
I love this particular section. But the last line doesn't work for me; maybe something like.... "A Vagabond Son,in search of his Soul"
"Live as though you were going to die tomorrow; learn as though you will live forever." Ghandi
Jeannette
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"Actually, those lines which are being questioned were written by my co-writer, and for that reason I have left them alone. I do indeed read and actively consider each and every idea that you guys give me, but sometimes I don't want to change what someone else wrote."
I suppose that I could make the changes that some of you have suggested, but I just haven't done it yet.....My Muse is absent right now, but when she wakes up, I'll see what I can do. Thank You for your time.
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Trying to rewrite this one.....any more wonderful ideas, I just ran out.
Now after so long, the morning finds me here Waiting for your voice to call me home Feels like it's been a hundred thousand years I'm so tired of walking this road alone
Crying aloud, surrounded by my fears Looking for someone I call my friend The darkness goes away, the dawn is here Now the night is coming to an end
Sunshine, sunshine, won't you come down Part the clouds around my eyes My path glows so brightly before me now I listen as your spirit cries
I just can't regret or wish I wasn't here I've chosen every path along my road Longing to live and love without a tear Golden orb above, but I feel so cold
Take to wing, soar above and see where we are So fragile, yet immortal, infinite, like the stars
Souls I knew and loved, back in times of war Voices call me from times long past Their cries ring out within my very core Suddenly it all comes clear at last
Sunshine, sunshine, rise over me Take my darkness far away Give me strength to finally see Tomorrow's another day
So tired, so tired, I long for a fire…
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Joined: Jul 2006
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Snake,
This reads like a Stain'd song, drop d tuning with a heavy bass in the back for the verses, and then all out organized chaos for the chorus.. i would do it, but i have a couple i am working on currently.
oh, i didn't have any writing nits, but i think i may if i were doing the music... (small adjustments for the sake of the music)
-steve
-steve
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Hey man, do what you feel you have to do in the interest of making it fit the music, and record it when you have the time....
I can wait.
Thanks for the words.....
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I'll do what i can, this one is going to be fun...
-steve
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