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#498523 - 05/01/07 11:16 AM Firefly Rose  
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
Ken Randall Offline
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Ken Randall  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
springdale,ar,usa
Firefly Rose Copyright 2007 Ken Randall

Stella was the quickest, could catch em everytime
And Bruce was the shepherd,he could see into the night
I was the watcher, always gettin hypnotized
By the flicker of the firefly thats been masonized

When the dawn fell upon the farmhouse window frame
Mama would be gatherin the captives of our game
She'd place them in her hand, and with a gentle breath
Send em off into the breeze,mystic wings refreshed

She'd kiss me on the cheek,Knowing how the times do change
As I sprouted to a man, how the tables would rearrange
Cause.....

Everyone needs their Firefly to bring them in from the storm
Everyone needs their Firefly in the dark to keep them warm
With the sparkle of natural beauty on the petals of her soul
Yes I've found my Firefly , her name is Rose
Oh I've been captured by a Firefly, My glistening Rose

Yeah, I know a heart can burn, at times chill in sorrow
But since our spirits touched, I can only see tommorow
For in the place she holds me, the light gathers strong
And in her eyes of autumn lies the risin of the sun

There's one for all of us,with it's heart beating on
Waitin for the moment to gather up your gypsy song
Turn the table,place your wings into their open hand
And let the gentle breath end the search within
Cause....

Everyone needs their Firefly to bring them in from the storm
Everyone needs their Firefly in the dark to keep them warm
With the sparkle of natural beauty on the petals of her soul
Yes I,ve found My Firefly, her name is Rose
Oh, I've been captured by a Firefly, my glistening Rose

For in the place she holds me the light gathers strong
And in her eyes of autumn lies the risin of the sun

All rights reserved 2007 Ken Randall

John W. Selleck thanks for helping me prune this a little,
I changed the repetitive gentle in verse 2 to mystic as I wanted to keep the aura going, I didnt want to go out fast on the chorus so I added two of the strongest lines of the lyric to the end refrain, thanks again See ya Ken

Last edited by Ken Randall; 07/03/07 01:19 PM.

Ken Randall
#498539 - 05/01/07 11:40 AM Re: Firefly Rose [Re: Ken Randall]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
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Tampa, Florida since 1973
HiDee Brother Ken!

First off, a Critique on Structure, Amigo:

SIX verses. Three Choruses. One Climb...This Baby's gonna run LONG unless ya Prune it Down a bit, methinks. Methinks Wrong, occasionally, but that's My Initial Impression.

Secondarily, this is HEAVY on the Po-e-sie...weak on the "Conversational Quality"...tho that's JMO too. "Eyes of Autumn" comes to mind...nobody really Talks Like That...(& are ya sayin' She's OLD?) The "Sea of Life" Verse was maybe TOO fulla Poetic Imagery for this addlepated reader.

There's maybe maybe One Too Many Images goin' ON here:
Firstly, the Firefly-in-a-Jar..which works decently at first.

Then ya plunge us into a Storm/tell us we all need that Firefly in a Jar to make it thru (that STORM...) yet "Firefly" doesn't feel like the Candlepower of a BEACON..exactly..so THAT Image fell a bit Short...at least..for skeptical ol' moi.

Perhaps if ya'd stayed within' the Parameters of a Lonely Summer Night this WOULD Work Well.. Technically, Fireflies DON'T exude any HEAT at all from their Chemically-Created Light (Lucifrase + Oxygen = Cold Light) so the "keep them warm" line kinda also falls flat.

That's what Bugs Me here...tho the Chick's WILL Dig this Nice & Over-romantic Effort..You Watch!

Good Luck with it, Amigo!
Big Guy-p\Hug,
Stan

#498544 - 05/01/07 11:49 AM Re: Firefly Rose [Re: ]  
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
Ken Randall Offline
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Ken Randall  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
springdale,ar,usa
well actually fireflys tend to gather at the coming of a thunderstorm when your young they are protectors, when they catch you older they protect your heart and wisdom.What this is a switch back song from past to present like a switchback film where in all ends the imagery keeps you in the piece without sacrificing eyes of autumn brown. Autumn is life not just age and death, it is the creation of vibrant colors that warm the soul.
But thanks for the advice, I appreciate you stopping by to critique this and as the number one poster here I wiil try hard to limit my vocabulary but when it comes to the love of your wife well she deserves all my words.


Ken Randall
#498562 - 05/01/07 12:32 PM Re: Firefly Rose [Re: Ken Randall]  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Kaley Willow Offline
Kaley Willow  Offline

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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
PA
So much to observe in one setting, Ken....I'll print it off..and look at it better... I do know..there is a Lot of beauty in
here.... I'm thinking, though there are parts that actually
could be pruned...to allow more of the beauty...to shine through..

I'm staying put....this has me hooked.....so off the top of my head.....at first reading...

I'm not sure...verse 1..adds a whole lot....
I think a little reversion in verse 2...would act as a set up verse..(see below...). I'm guessing Stella..and Bruce are brother and sister
of the male character in the song.... I'm not sure...that adds to it...other than maybe a bit of personal history.....
Just my gut feel there....i could very well be wrong.
and although I got the word Masonized....it took my mind..traveling a little too far..and a little bit too cutesy for the rest of this song....

Maybe start with a verse two... Yikes...******Yikes....I'm not sure of that either.....because I'm not sure...even in keeping verse 1 and 2...in tact..or getting rid of verse 1... that the first chorus follows the thought process of the initial verses as well as it should...

whereas verse 3 and 4...( I might be calling these wrong..
the stanzas after the first chorus) sets up for the chorus much
better...the storm makes more sense here.......

I'm seeing a Lot of beautiful in this..Ken.. I'd just look for
places where...does this add to the song, does this follow through in the thought process....and...with your melody...how long do you hear this....

very best to you....w/hugs
Kaley smile


#498611 - 05/01/07 02:43 PM Re: Firefly Rose [Re: Ken Randall]  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,006
Joanne Lurgio Offline
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Joanne Lurgio  Offline
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RI, USA
Hi Ken -
Lots of great visuals ... lots of great lines. Lots of LINES.
I am feeling you have more than one song working here...

The lyric opens with the light and lovely firefly play ... I felt that once you got through the 1st chorus you were on to a new lyric. It didn't feel like the same song ..
The whole firefly analogy is gone... it's important because your intro made the firefly the core of the lyric

Yeah, I know a heart can burn, at times chill in sorrow
But since our spirits touched, I can only see tommorow
For in the place she holds me, the light gathers strong
And in her eyes of autumn lies the risin of the sun

The sea of life has tossed us on it flaying current
Set us down within a garden and let the calm set in
Without the beacon of her everlasting love
This vessel would be lost within a numbing fog
Cause.....

Just my thoughts Ken
You are a lovely writer...
Joanne

#498640 - 05/01/07 04:42 PM Re: Firefly Rose [Re: Joanne Lurgio]  
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 1,210
Glen King Offline
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Glen King  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 1,210
Richmond,VA. USA
Ken: I have to agree with some of the others above, there are a lot of words here, and so many images that they don't coalesce into a linear story. I don't care for "glistening" as an adjective for a firefly(Rose) I think "flickering" or "twinkling" is more descriptive of how they appear. "Flaying" is another adjective that I think is off. Maybe "raging" or "swaying" might work. I'd get rid of the poetic verboseness and just tell a story about real people. /Glen


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#498651 - 05/01/07 05:29 PM Re: Firefly Rose [Re: Glen King]  
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,680
John W. Selleck Offline
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John W. Selleck  Offline
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Posts: 3,680
NJ
Hi Ken,

I like most of the imagery. I too believe it's going to be a little long. I think if you do it as below, it builds into a better song. The verse I placed last is a very strong one. Something you want to go into your last chorus from. I really do like this one. I'd like to hear it when it's all done. It's a great tribute to your wife.

Firefly Rose Copyright 2007 Ken Randall

Stella was the quickest, could catch em everytime
And bruce was the shepherd,he could see into the night
I was the watcher, always gettin hypnotized
By the flicker of the firefly thats been masonized

When the dawn fell upon the farmhouse window frame
Mama would be gatherin the captives of our game
She'd place them in her hand, and with the softest breath
Send em off into the breeze,with gentle wings refreshed

She'd kiss me on the cheek,Knowing how the times do change
As I sprouted to a man, how the tables would rearrange
Cause.....

Everyone needs their Firefly to bring them in from the storm
Everyone needs their Firefly in the dark to keep them warm
With the sparkle of natural beauty on the petals of her soul
Yes I've found my Firefly ,and her name is Rose
Oh I've been captured by a Firefly, My glistening Rose

Yeah, I know a heart can burn, at times can chill in sorrow
But since our spirits touched, I can only see tommorow
For in the place she holds me, the light gathers strong
And in her eyes of autumn lies the risin of the sun

There's one for all of us,with it's heart beating on
Waitin for the moment to gather up your gypsy song
Turn the table,place your wings into their open hand
And let their gentle breath end the search within
Cause....

Everyone needs their Firefly to bring them in from the storm
Everyone needs their Firefly in the dark to keep them warm
With the sparkle of natural beauty on the petals of her soul
Yes I,ve found My Firefly, and her name is Rose
Oh, I've been captured by a Firefly, my glistening Rose

All rights reserved 2007 Ken Randall


Have a goodun,

John W. Selleck BMI Songwriter
A day without learning is a day lost

http://www.soundclick.com/johnsings
http://www.soundclick.com/johnwselleck
http://www.soundclick.com/johnselleck
#498906 - 05/02/07 11:21 AM Re: Firefly Rose [Re: John W. Selleck]  
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
Ken Randall Offline
Serious Contributor
Ken Randall  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
springdale,ar,usa
Thanks to Joanne,Kaley,Glen,Tampa Stan and especially John W.
Selleck for helping me shorten this lengthy tribute to the celestial being in my life. I have reposted the revision here and hope this sounds better to all. See ya Ken


Ken Randall
#498927 - 05/02/07 11:57 AM Re: Firefly Rose [Re: Ken Randall]  
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 840
Brenda152 Offline
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 840
San Antonio,TX USA
YES!! This was a great read for me, even the first one, but like everyone was saying, it would have been too long. Love all the imagery and your use of the hook.

#498930 - 05/02/07 12:04 PM Re: Firefly Rose [Re: Brenda152]  
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
Ken Randall Offline
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Ken Randall  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
springdale,ar,usa
Thanks for your thoughts Brenda, glad you like this one.
Can hardly wait until the demo is completed.
See ya Ken


Ken Randall
#499511 - 05/03/07 04:45 PM Re: Firefly Rose [Re: Ken Randall]  
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,680
John W. Selleck Offline
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John W. Selleck  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,680
NJ
Hi Ken,

You're quite welcome. And thaks for the compliments. Anytime I see a song I like, I try to take the time to help. Some time I don't have the time, but I try. I have one more thought, if you can take it. I think the 3rd and 4th lines in the chorus should be reversed, with one word added for flow, see below. I think it's going to come out very well.

Everyone needs their Firefly to bring them in from the storm
Everyone needs their Firefly in the dark to keep them warm
I have found My Firefly, and her name is Rose
With the sparkle of natural beauty on the petals of her soul
Oh, I've been captured by a Firefly, my glistening Rose

You might also try;

"Everyone needs their Firefly to save them from the storm"

I think it flows better. Again keep 'em or can 'em. good luck with this one.



Have a goodun,

John W. Selleck BMI Songwriter
A day without learning is a day lost

http://www.soundclick.com/johnsings
http://www.soundclick.com/johnwselleck
http://www.soundclick.com/johnselleck
#499630 - 05/03/07 10:40 PM Re: Firefly Rose revision with help from John W. Selleck [Re: Ken Randall]  
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,963
Charlann Shepherd Offline
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Charlann Shepherd  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,963
Burlington, KY, USA
Beautiful Tribute!

Charlann

#500885 - 05/07/07 10:09 AM Re: Firefly Rose revision with help from John W. Selleck [Re: Charlann Shepherd]  
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
Ken Randall Offline
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Ken Randall  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
springdale,ar,usa
Thank you Charlann for the kind words, See ya Ken


Ken Randall
#504468 - 05/18/07 09:42 AM Re: Firefly Rose revision with help from John W. Selleck [Re: Ken Randall]  
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
Ken Randall Offline
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Ken Randall  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
springdale,ar,usa
hope you all liked the revision and thanks for stopping by.
Ken


Ken Randall
#505451 - 05/21/07 12:47 PM Re: Firefly Rose revision with help from John W. Selleck [Re: Ken Randall]  
Joined: May 2007
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Marlene Palmer Offline
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Marlene Palmer  Offline
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Southern AZ
Ken......Kinda new to this board, and just found this. Nice, good feeling lyrics. I see you have cut back on the length, with some expert help. It flows well and is fun and easy to read. IMO it is still a bit word-y and still reads more like poetry to me. Beautiful poetry. A lyric like this, if sung, would need to be sung at a slow and possibly, dreamy pace. This would make it even longer. As I said, JMO. and I ain't nobody, in this business.

#505522 - 05/21/07 06:12 PM Re: Firefly Rose revision with help from John W. Selleck [Re: Marlene Palmer]  
Joined: Apr 2007
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BeckyLee Offline
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Posts: 65
I like this, and as has been said there is tons of great imagery, my only nit beyond what's been said already, and it probably isn't a big deal, is that the two different images of your love 1. )firefly 2.) Rose /petals just seem to be competing in my head and they don't fit together well enough (but that's just me). Otherwise, this is a very beautiful piece of writing. Good luck with the Demo.

#505701 - 05/22/07 10:03 AM Re: Firefly Rose revision with help from John W. Selleck [Re: BeckyLee]  
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
Ken Randall Offline
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Ken Randall  Offline
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Posts: 243
springdale,ar,usa
rocknstrings, you are always somebody in this business and I truly appreciate your thoughts on Firefly Rose , Someday
I would really like to see the song of hiawatha layed down musically in a eight cd set. So wordy as Longfellow, I too
forge ahead in the storytelling traditions of The forefathers of america such as black elk for the water of storied life will once again
bring existence to the withering tree.


Ken Randall
#505705 - 05/22/07 10:08 AM Re: Firefly Rose revision with help from John W. Selleck [Re: Ken Randall]  
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
Ken Randall Offline
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Ken Randall  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
springdale,ar,usa
Becky Lee thank you for your review of Firefly Rose,
Yes the imagery can dance between the fire and the softness of my love, but that is how life goes with this gift in my life from the creator and maybe a little convuluted, but yet appropriate for her sake. Nothing is more beautiful to me than the petals of her soul and so I would really hate to alter the crimson and clover feeling here. I am happy you like it and will
let you know when the demo is finished, thanks for your support.
See ya Ken


Ken Randall
#510895 - 06/08/07 12:12 PM Re: Firefly Rose revision with help from John W. Selleck [Re: Ken Randall]  
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
Ken Randall Offline
Serious Contributor
Ken Randall  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
springdale,ar,usa
ive been seeing a lot of fireflys in the silken twilight of
summers eve


Ken Randall
#518506 - 07/03/07 01:20 PM Re: Firefly Rose revision with help from John W. Selleck [Re: Ken Randall]  
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
Ken Randall Offline
Serious Contributor
Ken Randall  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 243
springdale,ar,usa
I hope tht you can stop by to check out my Art Pages at
Ken Randall Illustrations http://kenrandall.randall1.googlepages.com/home


Ken Randall

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