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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2000
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country...
Picnic Table in the Park
He stepped off the crosstown, with his bag of crumbs Tilted his old felt hat, toward the morning sun Walked past water fountains, pines and big Doug Firs Tapped his hearing aid twice, listening for the birds
Near the picnic table in the park Where young Tarzans played on monkey bars New mom’s pushin’ strollers down flagstone paths Man playin’ fetch with his collie in the grass Pig-tail girl trading half her Almond Joy For one of her brother’s Tonka toys Two names and Cupid’s arrow through a heart On the picnic table in the park
Then he heard bulldozers, where his day once bloomed Sign on a daisy hill said, “strip mall coming soon” He dropped his bag of crumbs and, lost them on the wind Cos only crows of sadness, sang there now for him
Near the picnic table in the park Fleabag hound scratching on rough tree bark Children laughing all the way down the spiral slide Kid playin’ hooky with his new box kite Blue hairs on benches with their knitting and prunes Trading gossip and coupons all afternoon Little girls putting ladybugs in Jiffy jars By the picnic table in the park
Windows on his bus ride home, filled with memories Days blown by winds of change, like November leaves
Near the picnic table in the park The picnic table in the park…
©2007 Robert George
Last edited by couchgrouch; 06/18/07 08:24 PM.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240 |
I positively love this...Rob Pulled me right in..because I recently did a melody for someone..with a somewhat similar theme..(YET quite a bit different and was not shared on the board)...Screaming stood out to me.... I'm sure you had a reason on choosing that over laughing... but the spirals in the park...as opposed to an amusement park?..I'd think the kids would be more inclined to laugh rather than scream....personal preference stuff I'm sure... I teared up when I read these two lines..., good writing. Sign on a daisy hill said, “strip mall coming soon” He dropped his bag of crumbs and, lost them on the wind best..w/hugs Kaley
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5
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OP
Top 25 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5 |
aahh... laughing is better. I didn't use it because i used it in a section I deleted and forgot to change it.
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 3,639
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 3,639 |
I hear this one. It has a breezy but melancholy lilt. Imagery packed with exactly what you find when you sit in at a picnic table in a park.
I didn't quite understand the tag: "Windows on his bus ride home, filled with memories Days blown by winds of change, like November leaves"
Does it mean that as he stares out the window on his ride home, he is remembering his life? and does he feel like the day he just had is blowing on the winds of change?
There is someting poignant and melancholy in a setting like this where simple memories are made and yet "progress" is menacing, set to distroy the place and, I guess, the memories. There is probably a word for it- but not in English. This lyric mines the same emotional stratum as songs like "Walk away Rene"
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 2,116
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I really like this, Rob!! Too many favorite lines to just pick out a few ... great visuals!!
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5
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Joined: Dec 2000
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thanks Mary Lou. Joe, he's not remembering his whole life...just "days...near the picnic table in the park". and I love Walk Away Renee.
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,711 Likes: 18
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Top 50 Poster
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,711 Likes: 18 |
Hi Robert,
You've given us a short piece of cinema here. The camera knows what to look at, from the first with the old man tapping his ear plug to the very last image of young girls putting ladybugs in jars...
The director, in a dozen or so quick cuts, tells the story of a man in the "November" of his life, who appreciates the simple, unencumbered beauty found in nature and children. The strip mall must feel like a tragic ending for him...what else does he have...very sad...beautiful, Robert.
Mike
Last edited by closemike; 06/18/07 09:45 PM.
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5
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Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5 |
thanks Mike.
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Joined: Apr 2006
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Hi Robert,
Very nice and really takes you to the place. Some possible suggestions in (paranthesis)
You have:
Two names and Cupid’s arrow (piercing) through a heart (Carved with a pen knife) on the picnic table in the park
Then he heard bulldozers, where his day once bloomed (where happy sounds once loomed) (Read a)Sign on a daisy hill said, “strip mall coming soon” He dropped his bag of crumbs and, lost them on the wind Cos only crows of sadness, sang there now for him
Kid playin’ hooky with his new box kite (with a neighbor's borrowed bike) Blue hairs on benches with their knitting and prunes (grey hairs on benches with their knitting and crochet) Trading gossip and coupons all afternoon (trading gossip and recipes while taking in the day)or (trading favorite recipes finding refuge in the shade) Little girls putting ladybugs in Jiffy jars By the picnic table in the park
Best, Lynn
Last edited by Lynn Orloff; 06/19/07 01:03 AM.
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5 |
thanks Lynn but I kinda prefer what I have.
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 7,357
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It's a gem. Another well crafted, inspired and inspiring piece of art.
Corey
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,438
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,438 |
Robert,
This feels very "real" I too feel as if i am a well directed camera man, taking shots of a bunch of seemingy random images that together form the world this man knows.
-steve
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5 |
thanks guys.
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,963
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Hey Robert!
The imagery here is amazing! I can actually visualize everything that is going on. It almost hurts to read it because this kind of thing seems to be happening everywhere we turn.
Beautiful!
Charlann
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5 |
thanks Charlann...I have a pub looking at this so I thought I'd go back and see how folks reacted.
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