Just me and the acoustic, doubled vocals, Before I get too far into this song, I'd like some feedback on the structure of it, that way I can make some of the changes early... Thanx!!

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=684221&songID=5339684

I'm movin,
But life is movin too fast.
I'm tryin.
To stay in the green grass.

So don't miss,
Understand,
the words I
feed you from my

hand, they're meant for you.

And don't try,
To make this,
More than it
seems that it is,

these words they're meant for you.

I'll lay here,
Wait for the winter snow to fall.
And hope that,
This summer was worth it all.

I'm tryin to keep my head above water.
I'm just trying to get air.
I'm hoping that life is gonna be better.
Come and save me from dispair

Hi Bradley,
I'm not the expert on structure, but it's an easy to listen to song. I have to confess I don't understand where the lyrics are going, or what the lyrical or melodic "hook" is supposed to be... but that doesn't mean I don't like the sound of the song.

Should be "lie here" instead of "lay here," if that matters to you. If it doesn't don't stress over it.

On the recording it sounds like the vocal is EQ'd or compressed or something... if you take off the effects and extra reverbing I think your voice would sound nicer. Sounds to me like yet another attempt (you are one of *many!!*) to disguise the "real" sound of your voice, which is not bad at all. Just let us hear you!

Easy to listen to... thanks for posting. Hope some of this is useful to you in some way!

Linda

Thank you very much again linda :-), I'm not big on grammer but lie and lay work about the same as far as their sounds, so I'll switch that. As far as the effects go, I'll make an attempt to take them off... it just doesn't sound like the voice in my head does, but I'll give it a try... who knows :-)

Long story, I got kicked out of my place... so it might be a while until I'll have a chance to change things around as I'm living in my car right now... LOL :-)

Have a great day and thanks for you're help.

Is it wierd having the third verse a repeat of the first two, but all strung together?

Cool song, I enjoyed it. Lyrically I don't think you need the last part, the story is clear enough as it is. I like your guitar playing too, very expressive.

By last part, did you mean the bridge? And by lyrically not needing it, did you mean that it doesn't really add anything to it? should I change it to something else that develops what's going on a little more? or is it just redundant, sounds fine, and can stay.

Funny note: I have been trying to get divorced for a while, and I have a tattoo of her name on my wrist(yeah I know so don't tell me)(she has my name on her wrist also so at least it is even) and a misquito bit me there. So now not only do I have this stupid tattoo, but it itches!!! DAMN YOU FATE :-)

Thanks for your time listening to the song, this is so much more helpful when I can work this stuff out now, before I'm just plain sick of the song! thanks again.

[side note]I'm more of a traditional songwriter in that I think the nut of the song should be in the chorus, details in the verse and the bridge if needed should bridge the chorus and verses. Not everyone thinks that way so I hesitate to label parts of a song.[/side note]

and just to be clear I'm taling about this section:
I'm tryin to keep my head above water.
I'm just trying to get air.
I'm hoping that life is gonna be better.
Come and save me from dispair

Of course you can leave it the way it is, it is your song. But to me it doesn't add much to the song nor does it have the wistfull pensive mood of the rest of the lyrics. For instance, these lines
I'm tryin to keep my head above water.
I'm just trying to get air.
are redundant and you miss the chance to add some other information. I'm not saying they are bad, just that they could be better.



lol! You should write a song about that, that's a funny story.


No problem, been that done there. On some of my songs I reach the 'it's good enough' stage pretty early.

Bradley....You need to work on the recording itself...this song puts out a good vibe to me....I like what you have going on... the melody especially....it has a "grabbing' effect....we need to understand the words better....recording wise...sounds like a lot of reverb.....

When I saw your name Bradley Beach I thought of New Jersey...Is that your real name?....

Anyway....work on it....it could be very good...imho...Bob

Well Thank you very much for the clarification... I'll work on it tonight actually as I don't really have much else to do, I can't get cable in my car so watching tv is out of the question.

About the tattoo... That would be a funny song. I'll blame all my problems on the bug that bit the tattoo of the woman that is ruining my life. haha.

So yes, thank you for your time!
-brad

Thank you for taking a listen! I'm glad that at the early stages it is already promising.

My name really is Bradley Beach, my parents hated me and my middle name is Clair... who does that to their child anyway.. honestly???
I live in Washington State. Funny story, I was messing around with this girl who was from Bradley Beach New Jersey, haha, life has a funny way of webbing things together into a giant heap of crap. :-)

Thanks again for the listen, hopefully I'll make a friend who has a garage/basement/broom closet, that I can record in, and I can pump out a new version for review!

Thanks for the help!
-brad

Not a problem, it's a good song and I think you will make it better. You know if you are living out of your car you are already 50% musician - you should get some gigs.

Not a problem, it's a good song and I think you will make it better. You know if you are living out of your car you are already 50% musician - you should get some gigs. [/quote]

HAHAHA, yeah... sounds like the classic story right? at least my 86 cougars seats are like lazy boys, so it's not too bad sleeping. After I get out of the Navy, I'll try to get some gigs. it's kinda hard to plan anything when you have no clue even day to day what your schedule is.

Cool, did a WestPac myself back in the day. Course that was when southeast Asia was the dangerous place.

Hi Beachbc.

First of all I have "tidied" up the lyrics with a few minor suggestions, mostly punctuation and grammer. No big deal as there is not a lot wrong with your original lyrics. Grammer and punctuation nowadays is not really important in song lyrics. It's the message that counts. The second line is a bit puzzling. To stay in the green grass.
I understand "keep off the grass" a sign common in parks and the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe you could explain what is meant?
Anyway here is my suggestions for what they are worth.




I'm movin' but life is movin' too fast.
I'm tryin' to stay in the green grass.

So don't miss, understand
the words I feed you from my hand.
They're meant for you.

And don't try, to make this,
More than it really is.
These words I say to you.

I'll lie here,
Waiting for the snow to fall.
And hope that this summer was worth it all.

I'm tryin to keep my head above water.
I'm just trying to get some air.
I'm hoping that life will be better.
Come and save me from despair.


To the song itself.
As was pointed out already the eq and fx did not help the song.
That needs sorted out. I think to do the song any justice it needs re recording.
Behind the distortion I think you have a good voice. Your guitar playing was pretty good and complimented the feelings expressed in the song.
This song does not need much extra doing to it. Just a general clean up of the demo.

WISH YOU ALL THE BEST FOR THE FUTURE..... BIG JIM

Thanks for your time! I'll be sure to try out the lyric changes you made. I was running through it in my head and it didn't seem to flow quite right, but I'll check it out while playing just to make sure, I'm sure that there will be a section that sounds better they way you put it.

As far as the recording goes, it was just a simple run through to get the melody and stuff out there for people to hear. I promise, I won't overproduce it when I go to actually record it. It just helps getting your lyric changes and stuff before I've already put 2-3 solid days into working on a recording, just to go back and have to change a bunch of stuff :-)

Thank you for your feed back. I am considering doing two versions of this, an electric and an acoustic, I tried it with the electric and it sounds pretty bad ass, but takes away the emotion that the acoustic added to it, so I'm going to do it acoustic no matter what, but I think that it deserves an electric version as well.

Again thank you so much for taking the time to help me out!
-brad

I did a westpac, and two med cruises. I'm done. :-)

life is good.

Hi beachbc
Try an electric version it might be interesting. I liked the acoustic version but nothing wrong with trying out other ideas. I was not too keen on the doubled vocals though unless done "expertly" it generally does not work.
"Experimentation leads to discovery and invention"
Will watch out with interest on developments.

It's alright, can't wait to get out though.



Thanks Jim! I might be able to get a version done this weekend hopefully!

Overall the song has a good vibe and I like the acoustic rhythm stuff. The vocal production has been touched on, so I won't go there. An electric version would probably be cool, too. I didn't really concentrate on the lyrics, just enjoying the song.

Thanks for the listen... again hopefully I'll get a version done this weekend, I'm about to start in on it, just need to get rid of the girls around me so I can focus! :-)

Thanks again, I hope you'll come back and take another listen when I get a new version up.