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Loony Lim'ricks
Volume 1
©2007 James M Quillen

I knew "Off" keeps gnats out of eyes
And "Raid" blasts wasps from the sky
But I thought I'd pass
When someone asked,
"Swat's the best way to kill a fly?"

Fancy grade "A" apples, well firmed,
Get me most upset and concerned
After that last juicy bite
When to my horror and fright
I discover half a wrm!

'Twas asked of a Creole named Ledoux,
"See any weird clothes in the bayou?"
Said he, "I can't say
That it's ev'ry day
But, yes, on a-cajun I do."

"Happiness," says punster Grace,
"Is a pun of such poor taste
That the premise
Leaves a grimace
On a groaned man's face."

Supper was at five thirty-four.
The grownups kept reaching for more.
And when they had finished,
They said, "Eat your spinach."
But tweren't mine, never saw it before.

His wife completes half her mission:
Delivers a twin in good condition.
Jokes printer, "I must confess,
It looks hot off the press."
Says she, "It's just the first edition!"

Wrestler to seamstress, "You're a bore."
But he won't call her that no more.
You should of heard him scream
And shout things obscene
When she pinned him to the floor.

Mornings up around Watts Bar
Must be the foggiest by far.
I'm told on the worst days
Folks tote to their driveways
Metal detectors to find their cars.

A softball pinch runner named Bright
Got saved in church on Sunday night
But the word's got around
By the preacher he was found
Back sliding the very next night!

The Mime
In grease paint his glib face glistens,
The stage is set yet something's missin'.
With great skill he gives all,
Leaves ev'ry eye enthralled,
So handily he speaks but no one listens.

A metric advocate, Ms. Jeeter,
Says she'll debate Millie and beat her,
But we know it's a cinch
Millie won't budge an inch,
So why should Millie meet 'er?

At others' aches and pains I retreat,
Quick exits, detours across the street,
But I'd sympathize,
Be all ears and eyes
To a centipede with sore feet.

The new bank employee, Ms. Keller,
Made sure everyone could smeller.
She had on so much perfume
She overpowered the room
But no one had the nerve to teller.

'Twas said of baseball pitcher Lemieux
The older he got the harder he thrieux
Till no one even saw
His blazing fastball
At the age of a hundred and tieux!

I've got a skydiving friend
Who visits me now and then.
She arrives in the fall,
Never bothers to call-
Out of the blue she just drops in.

Says an old politician named Bud,
"Your av'rage voting mind is a dud.
It can't seem to remember
What's presidential timber
And what's just a stick in the mud."

A dance teacher did issue
Footwear made solely of tissue
Then told her charges
(All small, no larges)
"Let's try a little soft-shoe."

A mean rooster named Augustus
Attacked it's owner, Po Custus.
Po got so irate
That bird he cooked and ate
And called it Po 'et it justice!

Those are really good. :-)

Thanks for the read Moosesong and for your kind comment. I wrote a lot of limericks about twenty years ago mainly as a vehicle for my puns and I thought I'd share a few of the better ones.

James...you are an extremely creative and skillful wordsmith! Do you use this talent in making your living? I certainly hope so. What do you do?

Heidi

Excellent James... Enjoyed very much....

best to you this afternon...
Kaley

Heidi, appreciate the read and thanks for the very kind words. To answer your question, I'm retired and only write as a hobby- mostly song lyrics these days although I still manage to come up with an occasional pun.

Kaley, glad you enjoyed the limericks and thanks for the read. I'll try to wade through all the ones I wrote years ago and pick out a few more of my favorites and include them in volume two at a later date.

James, I was just telling my husband about your limericks tonight and how incredibly clever they are! Have you ever thought of possibly writing your own book or your own line of limerick greeting cards? I mean it, James. Your limericks are the best I've ever seen. Your mind works in ways similar to that of a mystery writer. They come up with the ending first and then work backward. I wonder if you come up with the pun first and then write the limerick? You could win an award for your work. If I still had my ad agency, I'd put you on the payroll right away! Wonderfully crafted with humor, intelligence and articulate wit. Top of the craft!!!

Heidi

Hi James,

Priceless potry. My absolute favourite has to be 'on a-cajun'. So clever.

Lyndyn

Heidi, I really appreciate all the nice things you've said about my limericks and my writing style. And yes, I always come up with the pun first and then try to tailor the limerick to present the pun in the best possible manner, usually with the last line serving as the pun-ch line. Although I've written more than two hundred limericks as vehicles for my puns, I hadn't thought much about getting them published until now, and I feel honored that you or others might think them worthy of being published in any form. Thanks again for your most gracious comments and for your encouragement of my limerick writing.

Lyndyn, "on a-cajun" is one of my top favorites too. Glad you stopped by and glad you enjoyed the limericks.

Go get 'em published James! They are astounding!

Heidi

good stuff.
i like the ones with the play on words like Teller, Meet'er, etc.

Heidi, I'll look into the publishing possibility but more than likely there's not that big of a demand for limericks these days so I may end up choosing about a hundred of my best ones and posting them on a page at MySpace. Thanks again for all your kind words and encouragement.

AIB, glad you enjoyed the read and I too prefer limericks that end with a pun in the last line...makes them more fun to write.

James,
I still feel there's a market for Limerick greeting cards. Before you place them on any site, make sure you have copyrighted them as a collection. You only have to pay for one copyright that way and all of them will be protected. Then, I'd get the collection to a greeting card company with an example as to how you could change your already existing catalogue into greeting card messages. All you'd have to do is to add a message after the limerick. For example...Put your limerick on the outside of the card:
"Happiness," says punster Grace,
"Is a pun of such poor taste
That the premise
Leaves a grimace
On a groaned man's face."

Then, put the message on the inside of the card....

CHEER UP!

Here's another example: Put this limerick on the outside...

His wife completes half her mission:
Delivers a twin in good condition.
Jokes printer, "I must confess,
It looks hot off the press."
Says she, "It's just the first edition!"

Then, on the inside:

Double the congratulations on your twins!


Really, James. You have too much talent not to find a niche for it. Please give this idea some thought.

Heidi

Heidi, the greeting card idea sounds like it might be the best opportunity for limericks these days. I'll contact some greeting card companies and see if they're interested...thanks again for the suggestion. Also I'll make sure I copyright my limericks as a collection before I submit them to a company or post them in large quantities on the internet. BTW, in the future if you hear of any greeting card companies looking for limericks, PM me here at JPF with the details and I'll be most grateful.