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Joined: Apr 2006
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No Ice
Joe is excited, concentrated. He’s talking about his theories while Adolfo listens. Joe sips at his cocktail and continues an animated diatribe while Adolfo cleaves to his exchange student courtesy.
“So if your paycheck depends on your funding and your funding depends on your shock value, you’ll try to shock people to the extreme, right? Am I right about that? Am I right?”
Joe and Adolfo sit on opposite beds in a dorm room. A half size refrigerator sits between the beds. Several liquor bottles, mixers, juices, sodas, and three empty ice trays clutter the top of the appliance.
A TV squawks at low volume at the other end of the room. “…went to Greenland to study samples of the ice core…”
Joe is wobbling upright now, body language overdrive under the influence. “Shock ‘em, scare ‘em, scare the hell outta’ them.”
His arms jerk and his eyes are intently focused on his imagined scenario.
“‘The world’s gonna’ end and gimme’ some money to prove it.’ It’s a fucking scam!”
The TV says, “…levels of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases in the ice core corresponded to the atmospheric levels…”
Joe says, “There’s normal cycles, well, maybe not normal but regular. That’s actually the interesting part, but they ignore all of it, or they don’t actually tell you unless you dig into the research. But the point, the point,…hold on I need a refill.”
Joe fumbles with cocktail mixing…then discovers that they’re out of ice.
“Crap! We’re out of ice!”
Adolfo contributes, “That’s OK. What’s the point?”
“We need refills. That’s the point right now. We need ice. … and ginger ale.” Joe leans toward the empty ice trays, then loudly,
“Store run! C’mon, Adolfo. You’re driving.”
“Yea, OK, But what’s your point? What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I need a soapbox to say anything. I need a REFILL. Christ, Adolfo, let’s just get to the store.”
“You’re just gonna’ start off on something new when we get back.” says Adolfo as he grabs the keys, disgusted but submissive.
Joe and Adolfo exit the room, leaving the TV on.
The TV says, “…and in the process, sea levels will rise to flood the entire east coast of the United States, drowning New York, Washington DC, Miami, Boston, Philadelphia, and other cities. The west coast will experience some flooding but it’s much harder to predict because of the San Andreas fault and the fact that the coastal mountain range is right up against the ocean. Just know that it’ll be bad,… really, really bad. Professor Wainright went on to say that his project was discontinuing operations due to budget cuts but he expected his book to be out in the fall. In other news…”
The sun casts bright parallel lines through the horizontal blinds. They creep slowly, ever so slowly, up, up, up the wall as the television fills the dorm room with electronic noise.
----------------- Feel free to comment, critique, whatever. Jim
Last edited by Jim McGonigle; 03/28/07 01:42 PM.
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Joined: Apr 2002
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Hi Jim. This short story reminds me a little bit of the film The Day After Tomorrow, and I think it works well in the drama and/or thriller/suspense genres. Below are a few comments that came to my mind while reading. They are offered as one reader's opinion only, so please disregard anything you don't agree with. Characters/Dialogue: I get a sense of who Joe and Adolfo are, but I think there is so much more to these guys than is being shown to the reader. The dialogue is written well (including the TV dialogue) and gives me a taste of their personalities, but I'm left in the dark as to who they really are and, as a reader, I would like to know more about them. As written, all I really know is that they are college students; one is a little more on edge than the other; and they like to drink. Consider adding some background on these guys: How long have they been roommates? Why is Joe so on edge? Has he always been freaked out about things or is his behavior just the effects of alcohol? I'm not suggesting you put all of the above in your story; just add a little more detail. If your words can show more about the characters' lives leading up to this melting point, your reader is more likely to connect with these guys and care about them. Plot/SettingI like that this piece starts out with action. That pulled me in and encouraged me to keep reading. The setting is clear as to where the characters are and the plot builds at a good pace, though I thought certain sentences were more telling than showing. Example: Joe is excited, concentrated. He’s talking about his theories while Adolfo listens. Joe sips at his cocktail and continues an animated diatribe while Adolfo cleaves to his exchange student courtesy.The opening paragraph tells me how Joe is feeling and acting, but it doesn't show me. Consider revising by adding more imagery to help paint the scene for your reader. Joe fidgets excitedly on the bed in his closet of a room called a dorm, sipping anxiously on his cocktail, but never losing focus on the theories that have plagued his mind for months. On the opposite bed, Adolfo cleaves to his exchange student courtesy while listening to his roommate's continuous animated diatribe. That's just an example off the top of my head. I'm sure you could write it much better. OverallI did enjoy what I read, Jim, so I hope you don't take my above comments/suggestions the wrong way. I just felt like I was only getting half of the overall picture your words intended to present. The foundation of a good story is already here—with some revision/expansion, I believe the story has the potential to make more of an emotional impact with your reader(s). Best of luck to you, Jim. ~Christine
Change the world...one act of random kindness at a time.
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Joined: Apr 2006
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Thanks, Christine,
All valid points, and I will be thinking about them if I ever do a re-write. This was my first and only attempt at flash fiction, 500 words or less. I'm at about 490 now, so I don't have a lot of room left. If I do anything more with this, it will grow beyond the flash category.
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