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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 40
Casual Observer
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OP
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I am working on this song that is meant to be sung by a women (I'm a male), so tell me what I should do so far, I think I need to go back and change some things here and there.
Chorus
What you won't you do anotha man will (ha) How I was then is how I am now,I always kept it real Karma is b***h Baby tell me how ya feel
Verse 1
You just bought me thangs// And all ya lines were lame// All ya excuses were ching chang// Neva impressed by ya ching ching// time for bigger and better things// you know, a man that's more like me// gotta plan and a dream// and every other requirement you never seem to meet//
Bridge In this century, you what they call a cheat// be a man, do somethin, talk is cheap//
This is the rough version....please comment
NEVER argue with a poet!!
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Joined: Jul 2003
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Joe, till today, I've never really listened to rap music except once I had a patient who loved Nelly. We listened to Nelly alot. I didn't realize how repetitive rap is. Nice files you've got posted on Soundclick. What does ching chang mean? Is that the same as jive? Don't laugh. I'm old.
"Grits is one of those country-boy words that is both singular and plural-like deer, elk and sheep. I think the singular is appropriate when there's a modifier that makes it clear one is talking about something specific. Like, 'Grits are good for you, but these here grits is tasty.'"~~Joe Wrabek
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Joined: Dec 2006
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yes, it means jive, nonsense etc.....
NEVER argue with a poet!!
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Joined: Aug 2003
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Hey Joe
don't really see a girl looking for a guy that is just like she is....doesn't make sense that a "dud" would be cheating, like how is he getting all these girls to cheat with? Other than that, rhythm reads well...
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Joined: Feb 2006
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Joe, great sentiment. I don't know anything about about Rap genre which I assume from the slang. But again it's a great sentiment. I wonder what DOES she want (a little more specifically). The structure chorus/ verse/ bridge leaves room to 'splain more. What is b***h?
I understand she means cheating as in only wanting to take what he wants without giving anything in return. She's telling him she don't want no player. She wants a man who's committed but I think we need to be told exactly to what.
I think you've a great start on this one and if the music is right probably enough but maybe another verse would help fill in the details.
John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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JB: This lyric is a little vague. What excuses is this guy supposed to have given her? Seems contradictory. The guy buys her "thangs" and she disses him. What do you mean "in this century you're what they call a cheat" I thought a cheat was a cheat in any century. If this is sung by a womAn then this line needs changing: you know, a man that's more like me// I think this lyric is a little sparse to be considered a song. Just using "hiphop" expressions doesn't make a song. Still need a believable story. /glen
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Posts: 986
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Hey Joe, I think you got something here. Here is my take on your lyric. They are just some ideas that percolated through my brain. I used "what you won't do" as a recurring theme in between her talking down to this guy. Rick
What you won't you do anotha man will (ha) What you won't you do anotha man will (ha) What you won't you do anotha man will (ha)
You just bought me thangs// And all ya lines were lame// All ya excuses were ching chang// Neva impressed with ya B game// time for betta and bigga things//-(couldn't think of a rhyme with dream offhand) you know, a man with a plan and a dream//
What you won't you do anotha man will (ha) What you won't you do anotha man will (ha) What you won't you do anotha man will (ha)
How I was then is how I am now, I always kept it real, Karma is a b***h baby,better strike it rich baby, you gotta (pay up) to seal this deal.
What you won't you do anotha man will (ha) What you won't you do anotha man will (ha) What you won't you do anotha man will (ha)
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Joined: Oct 2006
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Hiya Joe, Ok...I'm gonna chime in here & add on to Rick's sug...how about All ya excuses were ching chang// Neva impressed with ya B game// AIN'T GOT TIME FOR ALL YOUR SCHEMES// I NEED a man with a plan and a dream// ok...that's all I had...I'm in a rush, sorry. Don't have time to listen to it right now...but I'll try to later tonight. Good luck with it! Write on, Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Thanks to everyone for input!!! Cheers!!
Last edited by Joe Boom; 03/13/07 08:41 PM.
NEVER argue with a poet!!
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Hi Joe,
I think it's pretty vague too, but the one thing that really stood out was the word "requirement." I think it's too much of a word for the rest of the lyric.
Rick's rewrite is pretty good!!
Diane
Diane Ewing
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