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vi
I've seen his type before
He comes on strong
Take what he wants
and in a blink of an eye - he's gone
He says he loves you more than I do
But, in my heart- I know it's not true

chorus
He has the face of an angel
with heart of a devil
tells women what they want to hear
But he won't look you in the eyes
'cause he doesn't want you to
READ BETWEEN THE LIES

I've known you since we were young
I've loved you as long as I can remember
Now, he's trying to break us apart
He uses words to paint pretty pictures
then only stays long enough to break your heart

repeat chorus

Last night at Charlie's bar
He showed his true colors
bragging to all his buddies
'bout all the hearts he's broken before
I don't want yours to be one more

Hi Dennis,

Overall, this isn't bad, although the theme has been done quite a bit (including by myself). The one thing I wanted to mention is the changing rhyme scheme on this. When you establish a rhyme scheme in V1, it ought to be consistent. Of course that is not a RULE...but it does throw folks off when they are expecting it to follow through. V1 is ABACC. I am not sure which other segments you intend to be verses but I "think" v2 is ABCDC. V3 is ABCDD. Also...the line lengths are pretty inconsistent so I am assuming you don't have music for this yet. Would also recommend you type this in MS Word or whatever your software is that has spellcheck in it. Quite a few typos.

All the best with it.
Hugs,
Bobbie

Thanks Bobbie, fixing the typos is the easy part. Changing the rhyme pattern will take me a little longer. Thanks for the reply

Hi Dennis,

I like the hook. At first it caught me off a bit because I was thinking LINES, not LIES. but I caught on.

Bobbie has a point about the lines being off metered. They need to flow more smoothly. Just add a little here & trim a little there & you've got it. I did just that to V1...wish I had more time to really go over the rest for ya. I know how crazy rhyme patterns can make ya!

vi
I've seen his type before
He comes on WAY TOO strong
TakeS whatEVER he wants
THEN SUDDENLY- he's gone
He says THAT he loves you more than I do
BUT MY HEART KNOWS IT'S NOT TRUE


KOS of course.

Good luck with it!

Bree

Thanks Bree, I am really enjoying going to forum 3. All of you are making me feel welcome. Metering has been my biggest holdback,of which rhyme patterns are a part of.

I have some time later tonight to check the other verses,thanks for the help on v1.

Hi Dennis and Welcome!...your title is very catchy! I don't have much time to look at most lyrics on here but I do read the ones that catch my eye the most! Good hook and looking forward to seeing how you tighten this up!

Hi Dennis,

I like where you're headed with this, but I think it makes the singer sound a tad too much like sour grapes, without enough evidence to support him. For instance, at the end of verse 1..."but in my heart -- I know it's not true." At this point, it's the singer's word against the other guy's, and we have no reason to believe the singer over the other man. Also, how does the singer know that this man is saying that he loves her MORE than he does? If she's that far into a relationship, for the other guy to be saying that he loves her that much, it's unlikely that she'd reveal that to her past boyfriend.

Along the same lines, how does he know that this guy won't look into her eyes? Is he telling her he loves her more than anyone else, and not looking in her eyes? It doesn't seem very real, I don't think. Also, the line that says he's trying to break us apart...it seems, in previous verses, that they're already broken up?

Just a few ideas for tweaking that would make it more believable to me. Good luck with this!

Lisa

Yeah good hook Dennis...with some good advice so far.

Generally speaking, you want to be "rich" in what you say..paint pictures etc. Simply "telling" works sometimes, but not to convey core thoughts and emotions.

For example

He says he loves you more than I do
But, in my heart- I know it's not true

is telling it like it is....it is what it is....

He says he loves you more than I do
But watch his heart, its actions ring true

that opens up an entirely new dimension\picture AND conveys the idea...AND ties into your later exposition at the bar...

Hope to see more from you. This is by no means bad, and, though as Bobbie said, this has been done before (to death I might add), let me add that EVERYONE goes through this theme at one time or another....because it is so universal..AND the theme underlies many a hit. The challenge is to present it in a fresh way...or with some KILLER music.

I absolutely love this title... I would keep the title and build something alot stronger around the title. Keep some of it..but work it and work and work it...I really love it. It has some major potential...good luck!!
Lori Stillwell

Hi Lisa, maybe if it's changed to 'in my heart, I don't BELIEVE it's true' and 'bet he doesn't look you in the eyes'. I wasn't trying to show them as already broken up, but he realizes she's getting attention from someone else.

Thanks Linda, I'm still working on this one. Hope to have an updated one soon (this one's been sitting in a ring binder about 8 years)

Hi John, I 'll try to be a little more visual on the rewrite.

Thank you, Lori. I admit I came up with the title 1st, and was surprised I didn't see it already used at BMI. To make it more visual, i might change the singer from the old boyfriend to being I previous 'victim'. Sort of like "Johnny One Time" or "Walkaway Joe"

Hi Dennis

Read all the critiques first and was expecting much less than what I found, you've got lots of great lines, and picture is clear, don't think you've got to literally see him not looking into her eyes, if the profile fits. Don't recall if you do music or not, but I would have a rough demo made and see where the chips fall...

Hi Ritt, sorry I didn't acknowledge your critique sooner.No, I don't do music> I'll do a re-write on this soon and hopefully get it tightened up.
thanks
Dennis