Who's Online Now
10 members (Fdemetrio, VNORTH2, Gary E. Andrews, Perry Neal Crawford, couchgrouch, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier, bennash, Bill Draper, David Gill), 4,088 guests, and 270 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Register Today!
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.

By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
ShoutChat
Comment Guidelines: Do post respectful and insightful comments. Don't flame, hate, spam.
What's Going On
Does Billy Joel belong in top 10?
by Fdemetrio - 03/28/24 11:10 PM
It Is Done
by Sunset Poet - 03/28/24 07:44 PM
Music Industry Summit, Athens Ohio
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/28/24 06:14 PM
Can you save me from me
by VNORTH2 - 03/28/24 03:11 PM
As human as yo
by ckiphen - 03/28/24 09:55 AM
Fox News Reports Stunning Archeological Discovery.
by couchgrouch - 03/27/24 08:02 PM
Wasting My Time
by David Gill - 03/27/24 07:42 AM
Song available
by JAPOV - 03/26/24 03:38 PM
YELLIN AT CLOUDS
by David Gill - 03/26/24 03:20 PM
"Reliving" the great Lou Rawls!
by Brian Austin Whitney - 03/26/24 01:49 PM
::: The Best In My Life :::
by Bill Draper - 03/26/24 01:32 PM
The show must go on
by ckiphen - 03/26/24 09:06 AM
NYC Motel 1972
by rpirone - 03/26/24 12:43 AM
usic Industry Summitt
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/25/24 11:32 PM
The Rant Arena
by JAPOV - 03/25/24 07:39 PM
Song available
by Raymond Byabazaire - 03/25/24 11:55 AM
Song available
by Raymond Byabazaire - 03/25/24 11:55 AM
Lancaster Festival, Lancaster, Ohio
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/25/24 10:51 AM
Wasting my time
by Rob B. - 03/25/24 03:45 AM
Tom Waits.. What's he building
by Fdemetrio - 03/25/24 12:09 AM
Rick Beato, bad lyrics
by Fdemetrio - 03/24/24 11:23 PM
Inspirational Videos Post Them Here
by Sunset Poet - 03/24/24 11:27 AM
Used to take a Genius to Mix
by Fdemetrio - 03/23/24 11:00 AM
"Broken Places"
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/22/24 07:45 PM
All You Are Is A Lie
by Sunset Poet - 03/22/24 06:55 PM
Pour Choices
by Gavin Sinclair - 03/22/24 05:29 PM
Billy's 30 year overdue song.
by Fdemetrio - 03/22/24 01:30 PM
Make my dreams come true
by ckiphen - 03/22/24 10:51 AM
Top Posters
Calvin 19,857
Travis david 12,264
Kevin Emmrich 10,941
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,649
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 9,003
glynda 8,683
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
couchgrouch 8,160
Colin Ward 7,911
Corey 7,357
Vicarn 6,916
Mark Kaufman 6,589
ben willis 6,114
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,725
Linda Sings 5,608
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Fdemetrio 4,990
Neil Cotton 4,909
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,670
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,389
Roy Cooper 4,271
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Tom Shea 4,195
Cindy Miller 4,178
TamsNumber4 4,171
MFB III 4,143
Sunset Poet 4,126
nightengale 4,096
E Swartz 3,985
JAPOV 3,973
beechnut79 3,878
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,845
Dan Sullivan 3,710
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
Nigel Quin 2,891
PopTodd 2,890
Harriet Ames 2,870
MidniteBob 2,761
Nelson 2,616
Tom Tracy 2,558
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,246
Wendy D 2,235
Judy Hollier 2,232
Erica Ellis 2,202
maccharles 2,134
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,041
DukeWill 2,002
floyd jane 1,985
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,652
Noel Downs 1,633
Rick Heenan 1,608
Cal 1,574
GocartMoz 1,559
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,481
Tom Franz 1,473
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Rick Norton 1,429
Kenneth Cade 1,429
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,409
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
Deej56 1,385
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,294
lane1777 1,280
Gerry 1,280
DakLander 1,265
IronKnee 1,262
PeteG 1,242
Ian Ferrin 1,235
Glen King 1,214
VNORTH2 1,212
IdeaGuy 1,209
AaronAuthier 1,177
summeoyo 1,174
Diane Ewing 1,162
ckiphen 1,120
joro 1,082
BobbyJoe 1,075
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
9ne 1,035
David Gill 1,032
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
peaden 984
90 dB 964
Wolvman 960
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 829
ant 798
Juan 797
TKO 784
Dayson 781
frahmes 781
bennash 763
teletwang 762
Andy K 750
Andy Kemp 749
tbryson 737
Jackie444 731
Irwin 720
3daveyO3 704
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Pat Hardy 692
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Moosesong 668
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
quality 637
CG King 622
douglas 621
R&M 614
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Shandy 590
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
BB Wilbur 513
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
Rob L 439
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Alek 386
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Ann_F 379
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
ddreuter 371
spidey 371
sweetsong 370
danny 367
Rob B. 364
Jim Ryan 360
papaG 353
Z - man 350
JamesDF5 348
John K 348
Jaden 344
TheBaz 340
Steggy 339
leif 339
tonedeaf 336
rickwork 334
Eddie Ray 332
Johnboy 328
Bob Lever 328
Helicon1 327
lucian 326
Muskie 321
kc 319
Z. Mulls 318
ptondreau 313
ONOFFON 312
Chris B. 310
trush 304
ed323 297
Ellen M 294
markus-ky 293
lizzorn 291
nicnac49 290
Char 286
ktunes 285
Top Likes Received
JAPOV 86
VNORTH2 45
bennash 38
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate Thread
#428763 04/15/06 04:52 AM
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
From the start you tried
To act sincere
And take away my fears
But you didn't see me cry
When it all turned around
And we fell to the ground
Oh yes my dear

You’d treated me so nice
Everything was just right
But there was a price
For my short sight
When you promised you’d call
You just dropped the ball
I’m here alone

I was a fool to think that your words were true
Before I could blink I’d already lost you

CHORUS
On and on
These words kept coming out
Please explain to me
What they were about
On and on
You kept saying those words
To keep me there
When you really didn't care
Yeah, now you're gone

I kept calling on the phone,
Only to realize no one’s there
I’m all alone
And you don’t care
Please give me a reason why
You told me those lies
To keep me there

You left me picking up the pieces of my heart
Trying to put together like it was from the start

repeat CHORUS

BRIDGE
(On and on)
I’m waiting for you
(On and on)
Don’t know what to do
(On and on)
I thought I knew you
(On and on)
I’m waiting for you
On and on and on and on and…




[This message has been edited by les_paul_gurl (edited 04-22-2006).]


Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
#428764 04/15/06 01:04 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781
F
Top 500 Poster
Offline
Top 500 Poster
F
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781
Hi les_paul_gurl:

First thing is do not ever put yourself on the defensive if you want people to critique your songs..you may even be better than some of those who will critique you!! It is just a matter of musicians helping each other become better. I have evolved over some period of time and I do not wish that you make some mistakes that I did. Gradually Folks here will help you become better and then you will let your songwriting take the direction that you want and not anybody else..Just try harder everyday, listen to others..look at other people's work, check out lyrics of some of the greatest ever written songs in any category..you will learn a lot. Network with other guys!!!

Sorry back to the lyric..it is actually worth it according to me..all it needs is polishing!!! I have made some suggestions. Please keep or sweep..the song is yours.



------------------
frankie


frankie
#428765 04/15/06 01:14 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781
F
Top 500 Poster
Offline
Top 500 Poster
F
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781
On and On
(c)2006


From the start you tried
To act sincere
took away my fears
Your feelings you couldn’t hide
But it all turned around
And we fell to the ground
Oh yes my dear

You’d treated me so nicely
Everything was just right
But there was a price
For my short sight
When you promised you’d call
You just dropped the ball
I’m here alone

I was a fool to think that your words were true
Before I could blink I’d already lost you

CHORUS
On and on
These words kept coming out
Please explain to me
What they were about
On and on
You kept saying those words
That are now gone

I kept calling on the phone,
Only to realize no one’s there
I’m all alone
And you don’t care
Please give me a reason why
You told me those lies
To keep me there

You left me picking up the pieces of my heart
Trying to put together like it was from the start

repeat CHORUS

BRIDGE
(On and on)
I’m waiting for you
(On and on)
Don’t know what to do
(On and on)
I thought I knew you
(On and on)
I’m waiting for you
On and on and on and on and…

I have merely played with your very words..This song can be very powerful if you take your time..trim some part of it..but I like the chorus..short and to the point.

I will find some more time so that I can give more thoughts..but remember I am not the greatest songwriter here..I am just another songwriter!!!But you can always email if you wish..there are more things we could say about songwriting that will not generate a lot of heat here..Realize that sometimes dealing with too many people can sometimes be detrimental!!!



------------------
frankie


frankie
#428766 04/15/06 04:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 297
T
Serious Contributor
Offline
Serious Contributor
T
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 297
I like where this is going--particularly like that 1st 2-line bridge before the chorus...Not in love w/ the last two lines of the chorus--maybe:

I still hear the words
even now that you're gone

Other than that, just tighten the verses--they kind of lay there a bit. Lots of 'inactive' words & vague phrase ie.-
there were feelings hid
treated 'nicely'
paid a price

Just work to make each line(or couplet) TELL us something--what KIND of feelings were hid?
How were you treated-like a princess--the girl of his dreams--wanton lover?
How high or painful was the price?

Again, alot to work w/ here & its just my 2--keep or sweep

------------------
Keep dreamin', keep writing


"The difference between the right word & nearly the right word is the difference between a lightning bug & lightning"--Mark Twain
#428768 04/19/06 01:33 AM
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
frankie-
this whole year has been one tragedy after another...it feels so good to actually pick up a pen and begin writing again. I believe it was a four month heiatus. I haven't even written many poems this year *sigh*

Thank you for your insight...i like how you've tightened up my verses and reversed some of my dyslexically ordered lines. The first verse in particular makes a lot more sense. I will definitely use some of your changes. Thanks a million!!! Once again you've given me great ideas! [Linked Image]

~~Kassie~~


Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
#428769 04/19/06 01:41 AM
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
twisted texan-

Thank you for your insight. I have changed the end of the chorus, and I think it works better now. You have been a big help. Thank you again!!!

Pete-

Thank you for checking it out. I like your take on the verse, but it feels a little choppy to me. But I will continue to work on tightening the verses and trying to get rid of unnecessary words. Thanks!!!!

~~Kassie~~


Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
#428770 04/19/06 07:39 AM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,857
Likes: 1
Top 10 Poster
Offline
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,857
Likes: 1
Hi Kassie,

You're off to a good start with this one.
Lots of good ideas have already been given to ya !
I happen to like this part best...

I was a fool to think that your words were true
Before I could blink I’d already lost you


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#428772 04/20/06 02:41 PM
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Calvin-

Thanks for the read! Those are my favorite lines in the song too! [Linked Image]

~~Kassie~~


Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
#428773 04/20/06 03:45 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 298
J
Serious Contributor
Offline
Serious Contributor
J
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 298
Hi-general comment:You've got a good angsty
feel goin' on here BUT you're "telling"-
rather than showing--doesn't leave me with enuff of a mental challenge.Im not saying shroud the story in mystery or use arcane poetry -but leave a bit to the imagination-
here & there.

And this line:

Your feelings you couldn’t hide

-doesn't 'sound' right-
like: my promise, I could not keep.

good luck

jf

------------------
johnfindlaymusic.com-nwe CD:FAIRPLAY--: available for free download

#428774 04/20/06 04:30 PM
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 960
Serious Contributor
Offline
Serious Contributor
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 960
Good story.

I'm not in love with the dropped the ball line, but can't figure anything better right now.

One tweak idea:

I kept calling on the phone,
Only to realize no one’s HOME
I’m all alone
And you don’t care
Please give me a reason why
You told me those lies
To keep me there


~Wolvman~
#428775 04/21/06 04:31 AM
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
jf-
Thanks for the read. Yeah, that line is giving me some trouble. It sounds like I'm speaking in Yoda. Lol. I'm trying to think of a way to change it and still convey the same meaning. [Linked Image] Thank you again!

wolvman-

I like your tweak idea. The only thing is that it sounds really close to an Avril Lavigne song (Nobody's Home). I think that's why I like it...the only real problem is that it messes up the rhyme scheme. I'll try to find a away to integrate that in though. Many thank yous!!

~~Kassie~~


Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
#428776 04/21/06 11:59 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Top 10 Poster
Offline
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Kassie... [Linked Image]

I especially like your pre-chorus...or build..before the first chorus....

This feels young...and it feels real...
I'm wishing your lines had a bit more meat on them.......I'm not sure what genre you have going here...and
It definitely reads smoothly ( minus the yoda phrase) feels like a young pop song?..........

Reading through again, I'd change the
next to the last chorus line...for sure...

maybe...

You've shut me out..
or
Pushed me away
or
That cut me deep


Keep Writing...Keep Reading...
best to you..............Kassie [Linked Image]

Kaley...

#428777 04/22/06 04:37 AM
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Kaley,
Thank you for the great advice. I have made some changes and I hope that they improved the song. [Linked Image] yeah, this song will most likely be a pop song.
Thank you again, and have a wonderful weekend!!!

~~Kassie~~


Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
#428778 04/22/06 12:46 PM
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
"
Top 10 Poster
Offline
Top 10 Poster
"
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
HIDee Kassie!

My Initial Problemo here is "Gal 'Victim Songs' just Don't Sell Anymore" in Nashville. But "Gal 'Attitude' Songs" sure Still Do...

THIS Singer just doesn't seem Mad Enough here...

Perhaps Peeve Her Up a bit more...eh?

Good Luck wit it...glad you're Writin' Again, Sweet Lady!

Big Weekend Hugs,
Stan

#428779 04/24/06 02:41 AM
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Hey there Stan!!!

It's great to hear from you. Thanks for the read. The girl in the song is mad, but she's also sad about being forgotten and alone. But it might be good to make the mad part come out more in the lyrics....hmmm....
Thanks for your advice!!

~~Kassie~~


Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
#428780 04/25/06 05:18 PM
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Everyone-
thank you for the kind words, support, and suggestions. I think that with a little work and the right chords, this song could be good. [Linked Image]

~~Kassie~~


Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...

Link Copied to Clipboard
Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Newest Members
chriscastle, yasir252, cathennashira, Samwise, HappySousa
21,470 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums117
Topics125,717
Posts1,160,950
Members21,470
Most Online37,523
Jan 25th, 2020
Just Plain Quotes
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
warriorgirl (2024)
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5