10 members (Fdemetrio, VNORTH2, Gary E. Andrews, Perry Neal Crawford, couchgrouch, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier, bennash, Bill Draper, David Gill),
4,088
guests, and
270
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450 |
From the start you tried To act sincere And take away my fears But you didn't see me cry When it all turned around And we fell to the ground Oh yes my dear
You’d treated me so nice Everything was just right But there was a price For my short sight When you promised you’d call You just dropped the ball I’m here alone
I was a fool to think that your words were true Before I could blink I’d already lost you
CHORUS On and on These words kept coming out Please explain to me What they were about On and on You kept saying those words To keep me there When you really didn't care Yeah, now you're gone
I kept calling on the phone, Only to realize no one’s there I’m all alone And you don’t care Please give me a reason why You told me those lies To keep me there
You left me picking up the pieces of my heart Trying to put together like it was from the start
repeat CHORUS
BRIDGE (On and on) I’m waiting for you (On and on) Don’t know what to do (On and on) I thought I knew you (On and on) I’m waiting for you On and on and on and on and…
[This message has been edited by les_paul_gurl (edited 04-22-2006).]
Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781 |
Hi les_paul_gurl:
First thing is do not ever put yourself on the defensive if you want people to critique your songs..you may even be better than some of those who will critique you!! It is just a matter of musicians helping each other become better. I have evolved over some period of time and I do not wish that you make some mistakes that I did. Gradually Folks here will help you become better and then you will let your songwriting take the direction that you want and not anybody else..Just try harder everyday, listen to others..look at other people's work, check out lyrics of some of the greatest ever written songs in any category..you will learn a lot. Network with other guys!!!
Sorry back to the lyric..it is actually worth it according to me..all it needs is polishing!!! I have made some suggestions. Please keep or sweep..the song is yours.
------------------ frankie
frankie
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 781 |
On and On (c)2006
From the start you tried To act sincere took away my fears Your feelings you couldn’t hide But it all turned around And we fell to the ground Oh yes my dear
You’d treated me so nicely Everything was just right But there was a price For my short sight When you promised you’d call You just dropped the ball I’m here alone
I was a fool to think that your words were true Before I could blink I’d already lost you
CHORUS On and on These words kept coming out Please explain to me What they were about On and on You kept saying those words That are now gone
I kept calling on the phone, Only to realize no one’s there I’m all alone And you don’t care Please give me a reason why You told me those lies To keep me there
You left me picking up the pieces of my heart Trying to put together like it was from the start
repeat CHORUS
BRIDGE (On and on) I’m waiting for you (On and on) Don’t know what to do (On and on) I thought I knew you (On and on) I’m waiting for you On and on and on and on and…
I have merely played with your very words..This song can be very powerful if you take your time..trim some part of it..but I like the chorus..short and to the point.
I will find some more time so that I can give more thoughts..but remember I am not the greatest songwriter here..I am just another songwriter!!!But you can always email if you wish..there are more things we could say about songwriting that will not generate a lot of heat here..Realize that sometimes dealing with too many people can sometimes be detrimental!!!
------------------ frankie
frankie
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 297
Serious Contributor
|
Serious Contributor
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 297 |
I like where this is going--particularly like that 1st 2-line bridge before the chorus...Not in love w/ the last two lines of the chorus--maybe:
I still hear the words even now that you're gone
Other than that, just tighten the verses--they kind of lay there a bit. Lots of 'inactive' words & vague phrase ie.- there were feelings hid treated 'nicely' paid a price
Just work to make each line(or couplet) TELL us something--what KIND of feelings were hid? How were you treated-like a princess--the girl of his dreams--wanton lover? How high or painful was the price?
Again, alot to work w/ here & its just my 2--keep or sweep
------------------ Keep dreamin', keep writing
"The difference between the right word & nearly the right word is the difference between a lightning bug & lightning"--Mark Twain
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450 |
frankie- this whole year has been one tragedy after another...it feels so good to actually pick up a pen and begin writing again. I believe it was a four month heiatus. I haven't even written many poems this year *sigh* Thank you for your insight...i like how you've tightened up my verses and reversed some of my dyslexically ordered lines. The first verse in particular makes a lot more sense. I will definitely use some of your changes. Thanks a million!!! Once again you've given me great ideas! ~~Kassie~~
Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450 |
twisted texan-
Thank you for your insight. I have changed the end of the chorus, and I think it works better now. You have been a big help. Thank you again!!!
Pete-
Thank you for checking it out. I like your take on the verse, but it feels a little choppy to me. But I will continue to work on tightening the verses and trying to get rid of unnecessary words. Thanks!!!!
~~Kassie~~
Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,857 Likes: 1
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,857 Likes: 1 |
Hi Kassie, You're off to a good start with this one. Lots of good ideas have already been given to ya ! I happen to like this part best... I was a fool to think that your words were true Before I could blink I’d already lost you Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450 |
Calvin- Thanks for the read! Those are my favorite lines in the song too! ~~Kassie~~
Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 298
Serious Contributor
|
Serious Contributor
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 298 |
Hi-general comment:You've got a good angsty feel goin' on here BUT you're "telling"- rather than showing--doesn't leave me with enuff of a mental challenge.Im not saying shroud the story in mystery or use arcane poetry -but leave a bit to the imagination- here & there. And this line: Your feelings you couldn’t hide -doesn't 'sound' right- like: my promise, I could not keep. good luck jf ------------------ johnfindlaymusic.com-nwe CD:FAIRPLAY--: available for free download
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 960
Serious Contributor
|
Serious Contributor
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 960 |
Good story.
I'm not in love with the dropped the ball line, but can't figure anything better right now.
One tweak idea:
I kept calling on the phone, Only to realize no one’s HOME I’m all alone And you don’t care Please give me a reason why You told me those lies To keep me there
~Wolvman~
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450 |
jf- Thanks for the read. Yeah, that line is giving me some trouble. It sounds like I'm speaking in Yoda. Lol. I'm trying to think of a way to change it and still convey the same meaning. Thank you again! wolvman- I like your tweak idea. The only thing is that it sounds really close to an Avril Lavigne song (Nobody's Home). I think that's why I like it...the only real problem is that it messes up the rhyme scheme. I'll try to find a away to integrate that in though. Many thank yous!! ~~Kassie~~
Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240 |
Kassie... I especially like your pre-chorus...or build..before the first chorus.... This feels young...and it feels real... I'm wishing your lines had a bit more meat on them.......I'm not sure what genre you have going here...and It definitely reads smoothly ( minus the yoda phrase) feels like a young pop song?.......... Reading through again, I'd change the next to the last chorus line...for sure... maybe... You've shut me out.. or Pushed me away or That cut me deep Keep Writing...Keep Reading... best to you..............Kassie Kaley...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450 |
Kaley, Thank you for the great advice. I have made some changes and I hope that they improved the song. yeah, this song will most likely be a pop song. Thank you again, and have a wonderful weekend!!! ~~Kassie~~
Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275 |
HIDee Kassie!
My Initial Problemo here is "Gal 'Victim Songs' just Don't Sell Anymore" in Nashville. But "Gal 'Attitude' Songs" sure Still Do...
THIS Singer just doesn't seem Mad Enough here...
Perhaps Peeve Her Up a bit more...eh?
Good Luck wit it...glad you're Writin' Again, Sweet Lady!
Big Weekend Hugs, Stan
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450 |
Hey there Stan!!!
It's great to hear from you. Thanks for the read. The girl in the song is mad, but she's also sad about being forgotten and alone. But it might be good to make the mad part come out more in the lyrics....hmmm.... Thanks for your advice!!
~~Kassie~~
Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450 |
Everyone- thank you for the kind words, support, and suggestions. I think that with a little work and the right chords, this song could be good. ~~Kassie~~
Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,717
Posts1,160,950
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|