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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 31
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 31 |
EVEN THO'YOUR GONE YOUR NOT FORGOTTEN BY, JIMMYB Comments welcomed
v1 I can't believe it's been three years today Since the last time I kissed your pretty face When we said I Do , I meant forever I guess He needed you in a different place In the meantime I'll carry your picture Till that day we meet again face to face c Even tho' your gone your not forgotten I still hear our song on the radio I remember how you loved to dance Wrapped in my arms movin' real slow What I wouldn't do to hold you once more Even tho' your gone, Even tho' your gone Even tho' your gone, your not forgotten v2 Little Amy says when will I see Mommy I miss her so Why did she have to go Children can ask the hardest questions But this one the answer I easily know Mommy is watching you from Heaven You can see her everytime theres a rainbow repeat c
Even tho' your gone, Even tho' your gone We'll make sure that your not forgotten
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Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 3,027
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 3,027 |
Jimmy,
You've got a sad one here. Hurts to read it.
Only one minor nit. Your first verse has an ABCBDB end line rhyme pattern, which you follow in your second verse as well. Only problem is you rhyme "face" with "face" in the second and sixth lines of verse one. Generallly, its best to avoid rhyming a word with itself, if you can avoid it. Any other options for one or another of those "face" rhymes?
"Even Tho' You're Gone You're Not Forgotten" seems like it would find a good audiance at a funeral or memorial service in particular. I do enough of them to know there is a need for songs that deal with these themes on such occassions.
Keep writing. You're got something good going on here.
Skip
P.S. Any music yet?
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275 |
HiDee Brother Jimmy, & Welcome to da Board!~
Skip's said mosta what I'd have said..
I'll add what's Gone-&-Forgotten is that you've got a Contraction of You and ARE, which is spelled "You're"..not "Your". (Not a big deal to a Singer..but a Publisher'll roll his/her eyes Skywards..) ;-)>
"And I'll think of you each day-by-day" I'd suggest for that Last Line, V1. (K-O-S)
Overall..there's excess Verbiage...that IMO would be better Trimmed...IF your Melody's "Flexible", of course.
Here's an example of what I mean: (V1)
"Can't believe it's been 3 years today Last time I kissed your pretty face Said "I Do" I meant Forever Guess God needed you some other place So now I carry your picture & think of you each day-to-day" (41 Words) (vs 50..to say prettymuch The Same Thing.)
Less usually IS "More"..when it comes to Songwriting. KEEP it "Simple" & Catch MORE Audience...JMO, Natch!
Skip's VERY Right..there IS a BIG Market for this kinda song! Good Luck with the Rewrite..& The Cut!
Big Guy-Hug, Stan
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 31
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 31 |
Skip, THANK-YOU for your comments. I was not real sure about using face twice in the 1st verse guess it was not a good choice. Will come up with something better. As for music I've got something in mind but don't think I 've got what it takes to get the sound I'm hearing in my head. I will work on that too. Thanks for taking time to comment!! JimmyB
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 31
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 31 |
Stan, Thank-you for checking out my song. You gave me alot of helpful suggestions. I will incorporate them in my rewrite. This was the 1st time I have had you comment before and am glad you did. THANKS JimmyB
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 218
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 218 |
Hi Jimmy guess I'm going to wait for your rewrite.Have a great week.
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