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Wow.. it's been forever since i've been on here. I've been so busy i haven't had much time.... but i cooked this up last night, and am looking for some opinions on what you think. I'll go ahead and say that i know the bridge sucks.. i'm already working on rewriting that, and i'm nto sure of the title either. - patty


Dance With Me
By: patty whitehead

Who knew this could happen
Just like a movie scene
Standing under the streetlight
It’s only you and me
Slowly moving closer
We begin to kiss gently
You look deep in my eyes
Then you say to me

CH1
You say, “Take my hand
Dance with me
Here under the stars
There’s no need for music
Out here tonight
We’ll follow the beat of our hearts
I don’t know what it is
But there’s something about you
That makes me yearn for romance
So please, may I have this dance?”

I wish God would grant us
Just a little more time
Cuz now the day is coming
When we have to say goodbye
You put your arms around me
Holding me ever so tight
You kiss my cheek softly
And on our final night

CH2
You say, “Take me hand
Dance with me
Here under the stars
Look me in the eye
I want to remember
How beautiful you are
See I have to leave
Tomorrow morning
And this is our last chance
So please, may I have this dance?”

Now almost a thousand miles
Separate you from me
I miss you so much
And every night in my dreams

You say, “Take my hand
Dance with me
Here under the stars
There’s no need for music
Out here tonight
We’ll follow the beat of our hearts
I don’t know what it is
But there’s something about you
That makes me yearn for romance
So please, may I have this dance?”




[This message has been edited by Steggy (edited 06-14-2005).]

Hi Patty,

How are ya tonight ?
I like what ya got going so far.
I'm no expert, so see what the others think, but...
it seems like it ought to be saying...

WE BEGIN TO GENTLY KISS
instead of...
We begin to kiss gently
-------------------------
same here...
YOU SOFTLY KISS MY CHEEK
instead of...
You kiss my cheek softly

Have a good evening,

Calvin

http://ww.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewartmusic.htm




[This message has been edited by Calvin (edited 06-14-2005).]

Hi Patty,

You have been missed. Glad to see you back.

I noticed the same thing Calvin did. You are misplacing your adverbs to get the rhyme. Try this instead:
Slowly moving closer
We begin to gently kiss
You look deep in my eyes
Then you TELL ME THIS (otherwise you repeat yourself in the next line)

The same thing applies in V2:
You put your arms around me
Holding me ever so tight
You SOFTLY kiss my cheek
And on our final night

An idea for your bridge:
Now almost a thousand miles
Separate you AND me
THOUGH EVERY NIGHT I HOLD YOU
BUT IT'S ONLY in my dreams

I think the chorus needs some major reworking mostly because there really isn't any hook there as it stands. As a result, your title isn't going to suck anyone in to read this IMO.

Just a few thoughts for you to consider here.

Bobbie

Thanks for the comments. I like the suggestions yall have made, and i'll work them into a rewrite when i get the chance.

thanks.

-Patty

I like it so far too -- Bobbie's point about the hook is a good one.
It bugs me, though, that I don't know why they have to part. Especially since the distance is described so specifically.

Hi joyboy

What you pointed out about why they have to part has been a trouble point for me in this one. Cuz it's based on what happened to me about a month ago. And this guy i was with left for the navy.. but i didn't want to put that he went into the navy in the song.. and it's been my dillema.. i haven't worked out what i want to with that.

Patty