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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/05/24 01:49 PM
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Joined: Jul 2003
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Wow.. it's been forever since i've been on here. I've been so busy i haven't had much time.... but i cooked this up last night, and am looking for some opinions on what you think. I'll go ahead and say that i know the bridge sucks.. i'm already working on rewriting that, and i'm nto sure of the title either. - patty
Dance With Me By: patty whitehead
Who knew this could happen Just like a movie scene Standing under the streetlight It’s only you and me Slowly moving closer We begin to kiss gently You look deep in my eyes Then you say to me
CH1 You say, “Take my hand Dance with me Here under the stars There’s no need for music Out here tonight We’ll follow the beat of our hearts I don’t know what it is But there’s something about you That makes me yearn for romance So please, may I have this dance?”
I wish God would grant us Just a little more time Cuz now the day is coming When we have to say goodbye You put your arms around me Holding me ever so tight You kiss my cheek softly And on our final night
CH2 You say, “Take me hand Dance with me Here under the stars Look me in the eye I want to remember How beautiful you are See I have to leave Tomorrow morning And this is our last chance So please, may I have this dance?”
Now almost a thousand miles Separate you from me I miss you so much And every night in my dreams
You say, “Take my hand Dance with me Here under the stars There’s no need for music Out here tonight We’ll follow the beat of our hearts I don’t know what it is But there’s something about you That makes me yearn for romance So please, may I have this dance?”
[This message has been edited by Steggy (edited 06-14-2005).]
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,857 Likes: 1
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Hi Patty, How are ya tonight ? I like what ya got going so far. I'm no expert, so see what the others think, but... it seems like it ought to be saying... WE BEGIN TO GENTLY KISS instead of... We begin to kiss gently ------------------------- same here... YOU SOFTLY KISS MY CHEEK instead of... You kiss my cheek softly Have a good evening, Calvin http://ww.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewartmusic.htm [This message has been edited by Calvin (edited 06-14-2005).]
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Joined: Jan 2001
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Hi Patty,
You have been missed. Glad to see you back.
I noticed the same thing Calvin did. You are misplacing your adverbs to get the rhyme. Try this instead: Slowly moving closer We begin to gently kiss You look deep in my eyes Then you TELL ME THIS (otherwise you repeat yourself in the next line)
The same thing applies in V2: You put your arms around me Holding me ever so tight You SOFTLY kiss my cheek And on our final night
An idea for your bridge: Now almost a thousand miles Separate you AND me THOUGH EVERY NIGHT I HOLD YOU BUT IT'S ONLY in my dreams
I think the chorus needs some major reworking mostly because there really isn't any hook there as it stands. As a result, your title isn't going to suck anyone in to read this IMO.
Just a few thoughts for you to consider here.
Bobbie
They'll tell you success in the music biz is all about who you know...but the truth is...it's about who knows you. Gallup 'n Dawg Music
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Thanks for the comments. I like the suggestions yall have made, and i'll work them into a rewrite when i get the chance.
thanks.
-Patty
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Joined: Jun 2010
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I like it so far too -- Bobbie's point about the hook is a good one. It bugs me, though, that I don't know why they have to part. Especially since the distance is described so specifically.
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Joined: Jul 2003
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Hi joyboy
What you pointed out about why they have to part has been a trouble point for me in this one. Cuz it's based on what happened to me about a month ago. And this guy i was with left for the navy.. but i didn't want to put that he went into the navy in the song.. and it's been my dillema.. i haven't worked out what i want to with that.
Patty
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