JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Brown-Eyed Barefoot Gypsy Queen

Brown-Eyed Barefoot Gypsy Queen

V1
Rainbows in her hair, smile wide as the sky
Toes peeping out through her frayed blue jeans
One look was all it took, and I was mesmerised
(By my) brown-eyed, barefoot gypsy queen

V2
Stardust on her cheek, moonshine in her glance
Reminding me of who I am, and who I should have been
One look and I was hooked, I never stood a chance
(With my) brown-eyed, barefoot gypsy queen

Bridge
Her smile is hypnotising
She’s haunting all my dreams
My feelings keep surprising me
Cause she’s not quite who she seems to be
My brown-eyed barefoot gypsy queen…

No she’s not quite who she seems to be….


V3
Should have read my fate, gazed into her crystal ball
Should have seen the signs, tried to analyse my dreams
But now it’s way too late, seems I was meant to fall
For my brown-eyed, barefoot gypsy queen

Brown-eyed, barefoot gypsy queen…

Brown-eyed barefoot gypsy queen….

Copyright © May 2005 by D Rulliere

Hi Diane,

I appreciate that this is an AABA song, I do have a special place for those in my heart. I love your title, it is as compelling as your lyric.

My only thought here is that for maximum contrast between the bridge and the verses, you may want to leave the title out of the bridge and let it run like this:

Her smile is hypnotising
She’s haunting all my dreams
My feelings keep surprising me
Cause she’s not quite who she seems to be
No she’s not quite who she seems to be….

Just my two cents here,

Best,
Rachel

Hi Diane,

Nice singer/songwriter piece, but as far as commercial just not enough meat on those bones, IMHO.

Bill

Hello Queenie,

This is an enjoyable read.
I like the first line real well.
But I agree with Ria about removing that one line from the bridge.

Have a good day in Beatleland.

Calvin

Hi Rachel! This was an exercise for me in writing an AABA song! I'm glad you think it worked! You're right about leaving that line out of the bridge! Thanks for the advice!

Diane

Bill and Noel! - I'm listening to you! I guess I'd better work on another verse or two!

Thanks for the advice! - much appreciated!

Diane

Hi there, my favourite butcher!

Thanks for dropping by - and glad you like it!

The girl from Beatle Land

Hi Diane,

The other option for you to extend this song is to use an instrumental break to take you back to the bridge and last verse again. It's what most people do as AABA songs usually end up too short for the final recording unless they are really slow. ie. AABA(instrumental)BA. This is especially useful if you have said all you wanted to in the 3 verses and the bridge.

Best,
Rachel

Hi Diane,

Fresh images and smooth rhymes.
Nice internal rhymes in lines 3 of verses one and two.

Should have read my fate, gazed into her crystal ball
Should have seen the signs, LET HER ANALYZE MY DREAMS
But HEY it’s way too late, seems I was meant to fall
For my brown-eyed, barefoot gypsy queen

Cheers,
Terry

------------------
Terry

[This message has been edited by Tall_Terry (edited 06-01-2005).]

Very solid--Like this VERY much---only the nittiest of nits-- 2nd line-'out' seems just a needless extra word, my only stumble in the read--& after another run through, I'll toss another vote on Rachel's pile as far as the bridge--Great write!! Al in Florida

------------------
Memo from the Sports Desk:"When the going gets weird,the weird turn pro"--Raoul Duke(AKA H.S.T)

[This message has been edited by tna0708 (edited 06-01-2005).]

Hi Terry! - good to see you again!

Thanks for the comment - and the suggestions!

Diane

Hey Al in Florida! Thanks for stopping by!

Glad you liked it! - I'm with you on the bridge!

Diane

I instantly liked the mood of this- so that is a good sign. If I were you, or if this were mine- I would go back and tweek every line that even hinted of cliche.

The first line doesn't quite make sense does it?

"Rainbows in her hair, smile wide as the sky"
Don't you feel you kind of heard that before"

But the second line: "Toes peeping out through her frayed blue jeans"

I never heard that before- just wondered if maybe those toes were peeking out from UNDER her frayed blue jeans.

"Stardust on her cheeks"? My litte Pony alert! Try again.

"Moonshine in her glance" yes, now I am with you!

"she is haunting all my dreams" Nah.

And finally, I guess she was a deadly little creature but you didn't say why- so I think the song is unresloved at this point.

But like I said, I was drawn in- so keep working on it until I don't want to leave it. Intoxicate me. Seduce me. Pay me off at the end!

Diane,

I like this one. In fact, I like it so much, I wish there was more. Especially on the "Brown-eyed Barefoot Gypsy Queen". I keep wanting to add some more adjectives in there. Like maybe 10 or 12 of them. Some of the notes nashvillecat makes may hold some merit.

You've definately got something good cooking here. More work could only improve on what's already apparent.

Keep writing.

Skip

Sam and Skip!

Thanks for the encouragement and advice!

I'm working on it!

Diane

Is Nashville Cat Sam? A name to the name, and what he said.

It does have a great feel and mood and stucture and worth tweaking and honing. Seems to me get the music finish 'er off.

[This message has been edited by John Voorpostel (edited 06-05-2005).]

Whatever happened to Diane?