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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 822
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 822 |
Been struggling with this one for - well sems like forever - in reality a few days! - still not too sure about it!
Sunset…Starshine
Amber colours melt into An indigo horizon Golden moon is rising In a red remembered sky
Silver streams through fading blue My dreams are crystallising My morning star is rising It’s time for me to fly
Sunset….. starshine… Mellow moon is rising….I know this is my time Sunset…starshine… My eye’s on the horizon….tomorrow will be mine
Old flames of passion and despair Are lost in sweet forgetting Embers of regret Turn to ashes on the breeze
Winds of change have cleared the air The clouds of doubt are leaving There’s a stillness in the evening Soon I will be free
Sunset….. starshine… Mellow moon is rising….I know this is my time Sunset…starshine… My eyes on the horizon….tomorrow will be mine
Copyright © May 2005 by D Rulliere
Mz Bernie Taupin looking for her Elton John??
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,199
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,199 |
Hi Diane,
Nice, and poetic. Personally, The only thing I'd mention is the use of horizon/rising in both the verse and the chorus. And I think you might be able to get away with "regretting" to keep that rhyme. Bill
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 822
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 822 |
Hi Bill - thanks for your thoughts.
Yeah - not sure about the repetition - but I want to keep the chorus positive - the regret rhyme doesn't give that positive feel...
I guess I thought repeating those phrases emphasised the hope in the future theme, but I do take on board what you're saying.
Thanks Bill!
Diane
Mz Bernie Taupin looking for her Elton John??
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Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 10,690
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 10,690 |
Di tweetheart...lol
interesting mix of inter-locking rhyme schemes, winds of change verse, doesn't do me as well as the rest. changing clouds this much is clear, a touch of blue is believing, northern lights relieving, freedom is achieved. hmmm I just woke up, will look again later...
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 7,357
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 7,357 |
Might be a little too artsy to be commercial, but it's a very good write. I had the same thought as Bill about the repeated use of rising/horizon. I'd look into replacing one of them. Other than that, this one's about ready for music. I love the rhyme scheme. Keep up the good work!
Corey
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 822
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 822 |
Thanks Calvin, ritt and Corey!
I appreciate your supportive words and suggestions! I'm working on changing the lines in the chorus to take out the "rising" rhymes.
Diane
Mz Bernie Taupin looking for her Elton John??
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