11 members (Fdemetrio, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier, JAPOV, bennash, couchgrouch, Bill Draper, 3 invisible),
1,292
guests, and
248
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 2,177
Top 100 Poster
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 2,177 |
BABY TALK [Modified 5-4-05] Copyright © 2005 Shayne Vaughan
I walked through the front door Heard my baby on the phone When I asked who she was talkin' to She screamed "Leave me alone!" But I just sat down beside her And asked, "Why the angry tone?"
Chorus: Baby Talk, Baby Talk Baby Talk to me tonight Baby Talk, Baby Talk I wanna make you feel alright
She told me she was sorry But the doctor called to say Congratulations are in order Our first baby's on the way She was really feeling nervous But I told her "It's okay"
Chorus: Baby Talk, Baby Talk Baby Talk to me tonight Baby Talk, Baby Talk I wanna make you feel alright
Bridge: Nine months later we're gazing at our beautiful boy Our lives have never been filled with such incredible joy!
Modified Chorus: Baby Talk, Baby Talk Baby Talk to me tonight Baby Talk, Baby Talk You're such a beautiful sight! ======================== <Original post>
First off, I know this doesn't have a unique title; just checked at BMI and there's 52 others. Let me know how you like it otherwise
BABY TALK [Modified 5-2-05] Copyright © 2005 Shayne Vaughan
I walked through the front door Heard my baby on the phone When I asked who she was talkin' to She screamed "Just leave me alone!" But I just sat down beside her And asked, "Why the angry tone?"
Chorus: Baby Talk, Baby Talk Baby Talk to me tonight Baby Talk, Baby Talk I wanna make you feel alright Baby Talk, Baby Talk Baby Talk to me tonight
She ran out of the bedroom Grabbed her coat and took the car I followed her on my Harley Caught up with her at Billy's Bar She started ordering doubles This was getting too bizarre (Again I said)
Chorus: Baby Talk, Baby Talk Baby Talk to me tonight Baby Talk, Baby Talk I wanna make you feel alright Baby Talk, Baby Talk Baby Talk to me tonight
Bridge: She finally confessed that I wasn't the best She'd been seein' somebody new Then a mountain of a man Took my baby by the hand As they left on my Harley She gave me the bird and bid me adieu
Modified Chorus: Baby Talked, Baby Talked Baby Talked to me tonight Baby Talked, Baby Talked Now I know we're not alright But Baby Talked, Baby Talked Baby Talked to me tonight
[This message has been edited by shayneman (edited 05-02-2005).]
[This message has been edited by shayneman (edited 05-05-2005).]
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28 |
Not a unique title and not quite working as is methinks ....
Why such "screaming" and "flipping the bird"..."not the best" is not enough methinks. Love the mountain man and her riding off on your harley though....may work the story more humorously for that payoff....
Ciao
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 2,177
Top 100 Poster
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 2,177 |
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by John Voorpostel: Not a unique title and not quite working as is methinks ....
Why such "screaming" and "flipping the bird"..."not the best" is not enough methinks. Love the mountain man and her riding off on your harley though....may work the story more humorously for that payoff....
Ciao </font> Guilty conscience, hiding her mountain man from her husband, disgust with living with him until the time is right to leave.. ------------------ http://shayneman.proboards19.com/
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,327
Serious Contributor
|
Serious Contributor
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,327 |
The action moves way too quickly, in my opinion, Shayne. You've got some huge events here, each of which could be a song by itself. There's suspicion, avoidance, pursuit, confrontation, betrayal, bike theft, and abandonment, all rolled up into one quick story.
The changes in scenery, relationship, attitude, and outcome all add up to a storyline that's difficult to swallow.
Add on top of that the cute chorus and there's a real mish-mash feeling about it to me. The woman's acting very strangely and he keeps cooing to her, coaxing her to talk. The attitude of the chorus doesn't match the action in the verses, in my opinion. If the chorus somehow related to the experience of the evening overall, or summed up the experience in some way, I think it would tie together better. For example, if the hook were, "All in all, it was one hell of a night" I'd be able to anchor all the action to that summary. "Baby talk" doesn't give me that anchor.
In particular, the last repetition of the chorus (modified) comes off almost, but not quite, humorous. He finds out she's been sleeping with another guy, she tells him he's inadequate as a lover, she runs off with the other guy on the singer's bike (!), and the way he sums it up is "now I know we're not alright"? I'd say it's a far sight worse than just "not alright." I can't imagine a guy having that mild of a reaction to someone stealing his Harley, let alone stealing his girl AND his Harley.
There also seems to be something funny going on with the rhyme scheme, but I may just be missing the way you hear it laying with the music.
You know I think that you do very good work usually, so this is not meant to be a reflection on your writing in general, but I think this one needs to be completely re-vamped in order to work.
Just my opinion.
-- James
[This message has been edited by JamesM (edited 05-02-2005).]
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275 |
HiDee Shayne, Ol' Buddy!
The "Twist" here comes on as Too-Obvious, maybe Too-Contrived. Hook's OK..yet seems to invite a More Romantic Plotline, IMO.
Chorus I Like.
Suggest Something with More Intamacy & a Happier Outcome.
Good Luck with it, Amigo!
Big Guy-Hug, Stan
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 2,177
Top 100 Poster
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 2,177 |
Thanks guys. Must have been half-asleep when I posted this. Rewrite time! ------------------ http://shayneman.proboards19.com/
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Top 30 Poster
|
Top 30 Poster
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712 |
Lots of parents and grandparents on this board.
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,754
Posts1,161,302
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"When will we all, as artists, creators and facilitators learn that the so-called experts in our lives are nothing more than someone who has stepped forward and called themselves an expert?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
There are no members with birthdays on this day. |
|
|
|