JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 He makes us whole

Hi Everybody,

I have been critiqueing other people's work for a little while now but this is my first lyric post. It is a Contemporary Christian song and I wrote the music first. All comments wil be most appreciated.

HE MAKES US WHOLE
Words & Music by Rachel Kerr C.2004

V1
A stranger in the mirror
A heart that's so in need
Somewhere another life locked in shame
Is desperate to be free
But someone sees and someone cares
And it breaks His heart to hear our cries
With His hands He lifts us high
And His love ... it heals our souls
He makes us whole
He makes us whole

V2
A soldier hurt in battle
Too weak to even stand
A sheep that wanders far from the flock
None are outside His plan
We falter and we fail sometimes
When life takes much more than we can give
But with His hands He lifts us high
And His love ... it heals our souls
He makes us whole
He makes us whole

Bridge
And if we ever lose our way
Jesus will be there to lead us back
And His arms will open wide to all in need
His promise to us is peace

Ending
Jesus sees and Jesus cares
And it breaks His heart to hear our cries
With His hands He lifts us high
And His love redeems our souls
He makes us whole
He makes us whole

[This message has been edited by Ria (edited 04-17-2005).]

[This message has been edited by Ria (edited 04-18-2005).]

[This message has been edited by Ria (edited 04-18-2005).]

Hi Rachel. I don't comment much on Christian lyrics, but I will say this is certainly well written. The one line I find awkward is "and His love it heals our souls". I think "with His love He heals our souls" might work. JMO. Nice job.

Bill

Rachel,
Very Nice! Welcome to the boards of JPF!
Thank you for pointing out that Love is a gift from Heaven and not of our own Creation!
We'd like to think so, but...
Ria is a pretty name, my niece has one.
Pete

Hi Bill,

Thanks for taking the time to check out the lyric. As to your comment on the line

And His love, it heals our souls

I was trying to avoid using 'with' again and to start that line. How it actually sings is

And His love .... it heals our souls

I also left out the comma in this line in the second verse so that would have made it read differently.

All in all I am glad you like,
Thanks
Rachel

Hi Pete,

So glad you enjoyed, Ria is an abbreviation for my first and second names that I always thought was pretty. Glad your niece have a great name and as for love we could all use some more of it in our lives.

Thanks,
Rachel

Hi Pete,

So glad you enjoyed, Ria is an abbreviation for my first and second names that I always thought was pretty. Glad your niece HAS a great name and as for love we could all use some more of it in our lives.

Thanks,
Rachel

Typo correction

Hi Ria,

You have a beautiful, pitchable song here
that has real substance. . . unlike a lot of Contemporary Christian I hear , built on the repetitive telling God of his worthiness and greatness-- which of course God knows already -- and predictable platitudes.

The weak link in your song is, I think, the bridge.

Either strengthen the last line or add
three more.

------------------
TallT

Hi Tall T,

Thanks for your feedback, actually what has been nagging me in the song is something about the bridge. Since I wrote the music first and it is a 4 line soaring bridge, I may take your advice on strengthening the last line of the bridge, writing 3 more would be complicated because the music as is, does work.

Best,
Rachel

You can post Christian lyrics on this site:

http://christiansongwriting.org/forum/


Is desperate to be free(d) That would make a more exact rhyme and not change the meaning.

The first half of the first verse doesn't quite make sense. I kind of know what you mean but it isn't clear.

Hi Nashville Cat,

Thanks for the feedback and the link, I will check it out. I have noted 'freed' versus 'free'. I think I chose free inititially because of singability rather than just rhyme and I know that the meaning of the first 4 lines of the first verse is not understood until the last half of the verse, I only hoped it was not too long to wait for clarification. I will think about it.

Thanks,
Rachel

Hi Rachel

I always wonder if when writing Christian lyrics if one is reaching out to help others, or if one is reinforcing their own faith? The reason I ask is, if it's the latter all is fine, if it's the former the first four lines are way to vague, All you need do is compare your verses to see what I mean....BTW I like the peace line...

Evening, Ria. Nice job. So.......when are we going to get to hear this little beauty?

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"Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you will land among the stars." -- Les Brown
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/triciabakermusic.htm

Ria,

First, we are so pleased to have you in our little neighborhood here at JPF. Welcome!

Like Bill, I usually shy away from critiquing Christian songs. I think that faith is so personal that I have no right to tell others how to express their faith.

However, you really grabbed me with this one. And I wanted to tell you I think you wrote a great lyric that stays away from all the cliches and says so much more than "Praise The Lord! Trust in Him for salvation!" etc.... You have written a lyric that has personal emotion and real substance. Very nice write!

Alan

------------------
If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.

http://www.soundclick.com/alanddavid

Hi Everybody

First of all, thanks for the welcome to JPF, there is a great bunch folks here. Secondly thanks for checking out the lyric, and offering you opinions.

To Sweetjoyce,
As to your question about reaching out to others or expressing your own faith with christian lyrics, I think it is always a bit of both. You are inspired by your faith to write in the first place but you also hope it will speak to others. At the same time Christian lyrics are not above the rules that govern any lyric writing and therefore I accept all critiques of the lyric as valid whether I agree with them or not. I do write all kinds of lyrics, I just chose to post this one first.

To Tricia,
Would you believe that I have not recorded this one yet? I will have to get on the case!

To Alan,
I am glad the lyric grabbed you, that is always the hope of a songwriter.

Thanks everybody,
Rachel

Hi Rachel,

As you already know...I really like this one a lot! The only place that stopped me was the line in the bridge where you interjected the phrase I KNOW. Because that is the only place in the song where you have slipped in a personal perspective, it feels out of place to me. I would see if you can work that line without that phrase somehow. Knowing this already has music, without hearing how that line sings, it is hard to offer viable alternatives. I am sure you can find one yourself, however.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hi Bobbie,

Rereading the lyric, I did see what you meant and there is an easy way to fix the personal reference. Delete it as I did. The music can accommodate that. I do agree that since it is the only personal reference of the song, it was probably out of place.

Thanks for your feedback,

Best,
Rachel

Nothing I can really add here Ria except welcome to JPF....

Thanks for the welcome John, I am really enjoying this community at JPF.

Best,
Rachel

Hello Ria, & welcome to JPF.

Enjoyed reading your beautiful lyric.
Look forward to reading more.
Have a great day.

Calvin

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewartmusic.htm

Hi Calvin,

Thank you for the heartfelt welcome and the encouragement. You guys are a great bunch of folks here.

Best,
Rachel

Hi Ria,
Late to the party, Story a' my life. Good song.
Had to look a bit to find any nits and since you have the music some probably won't work.
The second line seems a little "odd" 'Nother possibility
"A heart that's so in need"
Of the three starting "ands" in a row in V one, the first two seem unecessary but that would no doubt mess up your music. The last line of the bridge does appear "weak'. "Cause" seems not needed. Possibility---
"His promise is love and peace". "Love" has been used some tho' and might not flow quite the same.
'Back " at the end of line 2 kinda' "chops off" the line. possibility of "home"
No doubt will work "as is' tho. Just my slant on it
Wy

Hi Ria,

You got some great advice from a wonderful
group of songwriters, so there isn't much
an amateur like me can add. I think you've
really laid down emotions with your words,
which is a great writing gift.

The only itty bitty thing I would reconsider
are those three "Ands" in verse one and the
ending. Can you eliminate one or two of them?

Nice spiritual song.

Diane

Hi Wyman,

Thanks for your suggestions, I did actually use a couple of them. I think you gave me the change I maybe needed in the first verse to make those first 4 lines a little clearer. I also deleted one of the 'ands', and the "'Cause" from the bridge. As always a fresh pair of eyes goes a long way.

Thanks, Rachel

Hi Diane,

Thank you so much for stopping by and checking out my lyric, you will see that I did manage to delete one of the 'ands' as you were suggesting. Also don't describe yourself as an amateur songwriter, you are a songwriter, we all are, with something to learn from everyone. Some are just further along than others, but ALL feedback is important, so thanks again I am so glad you like.

Best,
Rachel

Hi Ria

I too would like to welcome you aboard. You have been very kind about reading other lyrics I've noticed, and I was eagerly waiting to see some of yours. You did not disappoint! Beautiful writing, and very well worded. I like some of the others I know are anticipating follow up lyrics. keep writing.


Mike

Hi Mike,

That's my brother's name you know, thanks so much for the warm welcome. I have so far found this site invaluable, as critiqueing other people's material has also forced me to look more closely at my own. That has been very good for me as a songwriter and I find the pool of talent here on this site amazing. A shared dream is so much nicer than carrying it alone.

Best to you,
Rachel