Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336 |
This one's a bit off the wall , but I'm still learning . Rhyming scheme is all over the place (yet it works somehow anyway). Your comments please .
Call Her Tomorrow
[instrumental intro]
[verse 1] hello Mr C can I speak to Emily sorry to wake you but she's expecting the call
[verse 2] wait a minute Mr C I'm doing what she said she's got a phone by her bed we need to talk that's all
[chorus] my future father-in-law just doesn't understand this phone call is something that we had planned
I sense he's kinda mad I got him out of bed but my girlfriend said I could ........ call her tomorrow
[instrumental]
[verse 3] took over a year to get over my fear but I made the call .. we talked together
[verse 4] I got Emily and she knew it was me said I'd call tomorrow ... she said whatever
[chorus] my future father-in-law just doesn't understand this phone call is something that we had planned
I sense he's kinda mad I got him out of bed but my girlfriend said I could ........ call her tomorrow
[instrumental]
[verse 5] oh , hello Emily can ya tell it's me at the stroke of twelve it , became a new day
[verse 6] oh hello Mr C I can't hear Emily we got disconnected would ya call her for me
[verse 7] oh hello Mr C I redialed my phone couldn't hear your voice for the dial tone
[thru instrumental fade] oh hello again don't get upset Mr C no one's ever said that word to me [sound of dial tone] hello , hello
©-2004-Don Martin
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 31
Casual Observer
|
Casual Observer
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 31 |
Hello Don. I like the idea you've got going here. The beginning kind of reminded me of Jim Croce's "OPERATOR". Anyway, I'd like to share a thought or two with you regarding your 3rd,4th and 6th verses. IMO, because of the change that they take, those two verses (v3 & v4) IMO, read more like bridges. I'd find a way to combine them together as a bridge. [verse 3] took over a year to get over my fear but I made the call .. we talked togetherThis verse seems to chop the flow of your storyline. 1st stanza in this verse IMO is allowing too much time to pass. IMO with that kind of time passage I think Emily may have found somebody else... lol!!! I'd change that line to something like. "It took some time" or something in that general direction. I know this messes up your rhyme scheme but how ever you decide to rewrite that (if you decide to rewrite that)line you can adjust your second stanza accordingly. [verse 4] I got Emily and she knew it was me said I'd call tomorrow ... she said whateverIMO, this verse should work it's way into the chorus. I'd like to offer this suggestion in transforming these two verses into a bridge. [Bridge] It took some time For fear to unwind I made a late call ... Got Emily on the line And she knew it was me Listening in was Mr. C said I'd call tomorrow ... He said whatever [chorus] my future father-in-law just doesn't understand this phone call is something that we had planned I sense he's kinda mad I got him out of bed but my girlfriend said I could ........ call her tomorrow [verse 6] oh hello Mr C I can't hear Emilywe got disconnected would ya call her for me I can see what you're after here. IMO, I'd change the 2nd stanza to read more like "Meant to get Emily". IMO, it would make more sense... but that's JMO. These are just a suggestions. Something for you to think about. Overall, I really like what you're shooting for here. Like I mentioned earlier, the beginning reminded me of Jim Croce, but while I was reading these lyrics, I could almost hear Jerry Reed or even Ray Stevens singing this... but more so Jerry Reed. Dave [This message has been edited by Poet-N-Lyricist (edited 12-28-2004).]
It's okay to point out what's wrong, just don't forget to point out how to make it right.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 10,690
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 10,690 |
Got me scratching me head Don
i could buy into everything 'cept the future father in law bit, kinda takes the fun out of an off the wall piece. and places it into too serious a realm, besides why does the f.f.i.l seem like a stranger....shotgun marriage???
[This message has been edited by sweetjoyce (edited 12-28-2004).]
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336 |
Hey Dave -- great to catch up to you again (wondered where ya went to) .
Let me describe the video to help me explain . Don't know if you've seen the movie "Napoleon Dynamite" yet , but this song is all sung dialogue of this one guy (kinda like a Bob Newhart stand-up rutine) -- and like that movie -- it's this simple idiot being featured .
Verses 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, and the fad is all dialogue sung into the phone -- the rest is explanitory dialogue sung into the camera while he holds the receiver in hand .
This simple idiot has dreamed of this girl everyday at school (or wherever) , finally got up the nerve to call her one night , and (not knowing him or caring to know him) she responded "whatever" as she was hanging up on him (not hearing that he was asking if he could call her tomorrow) .
He takes the meaning of tomorrow literally -calling just after midnight - and wakes up the father (who has no idea who this jerk is) .
I feel that the tone of the voice changes throughout will make the theme much more distinquishable , but then I might just be the only one hearing it that way .
A bit off the wall - not surprised I didn't come up with a presentation of the song that would be understood , but I appreciate your efforts to try and help me become a writer - as you've always done Dave . Thkx.
Don
[This message has been edited by Canadianryme (edited 12-28-2004).]
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336 |
Hey Joyce/Ritt
Future father-in-law is all in the idiots head - father has no idea who this idiot is . Hope my response to Dave above explains what I was shooting for with this one .
Appreciate ya giving this a read , thkx
Don
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 31
Casual Observer
|
Casual Observer
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 31 |
Hello Don. Okay, now I understand these lyrics alot more better. Your explanation brought a lot clarity to it. So with that in mind IMO, it may be better to offer that clarity in your lyrics through an intro for the benefit of the reader/listener and rearranging your verses some. Your intro would reveal that this person is daydreaming of this girl that has no knowledge of his feelings for her or of him. Then I think that verses 3&4 should really become verses 1&2 and make verses 1&2 verses 3&4. IMO this would seem to make more sense for as far as the storyline would go. Love the idea you got here and it holds alot of potential of becoming an excellent write. IMO, it just needs some clarity and resequencing. BTW, I did understand the characters literal thinking....overally anxious to call...hmmmm, I think I knew his sister.lol!!! Dave [This message has been edited by Poet-N-Lyricist (edited 12-28-2004).]
It's okay to point out what's wrong, just don't forget to point out how to make it right.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 10,690
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 10,690 |
the moon turned to cream cheese sure glad i was a mouse beam me up scotty please to my brand new house
now the singer really isn't a mouse and the moon hasn't turned to cream cheese hoping the voice will make clear, through intonations, it's a homeless guy's fantasy, who happens to be feeling small and hungry, who also happens to be wearing a twelve year old i'm a trekkie t-shirt.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336 |
Hey Dave
Wanted to try an all sung dialogue song (just to see what problems such an adventure would create) , and I've learned that now .
The tone and changes of the singers voice would help some -- but I can see now that an introduction (and perhaps a pre-song narrator along with the video) might be necessary .
Appreciate your time and effort -- you've helped me to understand .
Don
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336 |
Hey Ritt
You're a fine teacher indeed .
I'll be less inclined to accept my own first judgement , without thinking of this little class lessen of yours . Glad ya came back guy - you're always a help .
Don
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,756
Posts1,161,310
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"When will we all, as artists, creators and facilitators learn that the so-called experts in our lives are nothing more than someone who has stepped forward and called themselves an expert?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|