JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 2 Lost You With The Wind (rewrite)

I posted this a few weeks ago, and got a crit from a friend who told
me it needed more. So I rewrote, added and changed, and this is the result. All suggestions for improvement are welcome.

Lost You With the Wind

Like a hurricane that skims the ocean
causing mass destruction when it lands.
You blew into town last Friday evening.
Another time I didn't take a stand.

You came to my door with warm intentions.
I misread the pattern of your game.
Again you left my heart embittered.
This time I have only me to blame

Chorus
Let you back into my life,
couldn't help myself.
I can't find the magic wand
I need to break your spell.
Let you back into my life,
I knew how it would end.
You stormed into my heart then, I lost you with the wind.

All the times you left me in our past life,
you loved me and were quickly on the run.
Though you said each time would be the last,
you returned like seasons with the sun.

Springtime newness every touch you gave me
summer heat that I couldn't repel
and by mid September I had fallen
then felt the winter chill of your farewell.

Chorus

Bridge
Still, instead of watching movies on the tube at night
I watch the weathervane that's on the barn.
When it turns and shows a springtime wind is on the way
I'll let it blow me back into your arms.

Chorus

Diane Ewing
(c)2004 All Rights Reserved

[This message has been edited by Diane E (edited 11-15-2004).]

Nice song, Diane - My only suggestion is in verse 2 line 3, seems like too many syllables. Here's a suggestion to consider:

Again you left my heart embittered.
This time I have only me to blame

You get the idea in that he left her later.

Nice writing! Anne

Anne,
Thanks so much for the suggestion, which
I took!! You're right-there were too many syllables. I don't have any musical ability and often have trouble getting a correct rhythm.
Diane

Hi Diane

This could be a great movie song!!! Love the bridge!

this makes for an easier read/sing for me

Springtime newness with every touch you gave to me
summer heat that I didn't dare repel
and by mid September I had fallen
then felt the winter chill of your farewell.

take or rake

Diane E.,
This "sounds" kinda country if I'm not mistaken, nice one too!
Pete

Hi, Diane. Coming up with good ideas is going to be the death of me in this game. They're as rare as June bugs in winter to me. But you've got a good one here, tying the coming and going of a lover to this storm motif. Any melody you may have going upstairs may negate my comments, but I was thinking you might want to consider parsing a few more words here and there. Comes off a little wordy at times.

Like maybe this for the 2nd verse:

You came to me with warm intentions
But I misread your game
You left my heart embittered
With only me to blame

The wand concept jarred with me in the chorus. Not sure why, but this popped to mind:

Couldn’t find the magic words
To break me from your spell

"Past life" made me think we've got a little resurrection thing going here, though. Could just be me. And the weathervane. Hmmm. Wind blows all winter, not just spring. Are you sure that symbol is best to portend strictly a spring wind?

Just some things to think about. Rewrite until you're satisfied! Then go with it!



[This message has been edited by Michael Thomas (edited 11-15-2004).]

perhaps

i watch the weathervane change with the seasons.....?

Hi Pete,
Thanks for taking a look. I appreciate
any advice.

Hi Sweetjoyce
Yeah, I like your verse better than mine.
and your weathervane line. Thanks for your advice.

Hi Michael,
As I wrote earlier, I'm musically inept. Can't write a note, so there is no music in my mind with this. When I write lyrics, I usually use someone else's melody, just to try to keep the rhythm correct. Thanks for your advice. I will trim some of the words.
It's such a source of frustration for me to have a love of music, some ability to write words, but no musical talent to deliver the words. God can be such a practical joker sometimes!!

Diane

fear not Diane, many writers here including myself haven't a lick of musical ability. You might want to use the jpf search, on page top and look up lyrics by Cindy LaRossa AND Idamarie Naelitz (sp.) When I first came to jpf those two were my inspiration for finding a melody behind my words, cause they do it so well.

Thanks Sweetjoyce,
I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one without musical ability. Everyone seems to be very talented in this forum.

I will check out Cindy and Idamarie. Thanks for the encouragement. It's very much appreciated.
Diane