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Joined: Nov 2003
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Give It Time Copyright 2004 Leslie Harris
V-1 I was that cartoon fantasy The one that always made you laugh I was that migraine headache The only one to color you mad You may not admit it now Quite frankly, what we had was love And you're gonna want me back Gonna regret giving me up
Chorus There'll come a day When you'll miss my whispers There'll be some nights Longing for my touch There'll be a moment When you'll miss my crimes You may think I'm crazy (just give it time) Won't be crazy (when I'm on your mind)
V-2 I was excitement to your bore Fish fry Friday in Sunday best The one you can't ignore That lipstick red on cigarettes My electric kisses moved you Though you never said the words It was written in your emotions Least that's what I heard
Chorus
Bridge See those things we say we don't want Are the very things that we most need You want a power that makes you feel And it's all in me (yeah, it's all in me)
Chorus 2x
I endeavor to change one heart and one mind, one word at a time.
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Joined: May 2001
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You don't seem to be using that hook enough in this one Leslie. I would make the made you mad line, "you claim tore you in half" to get a rhyme. And of course to sugest the old "I've got a headache" routine. Another thought. Waht w4e had was love you know. Gonna want me back one day. Be sorry you ever let me go. Graham ------------------ http://www.soundclick.com/bands/2/grahamhendersonmusic.htm
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Joined: Oct 2003
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I'm loving this one Leslie...the affect she has on him...lipstick red on cigarettes..I think you said it in a far different way than I've ever seen. Creative, intelligent!
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Joined: Nov 2003
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Graham, thanks for the feedback.
Linda A, thanks for the read and the feedback. Glad you liked it.
I endeavor to change one heart and one mind, one word at a time.
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Joined: Aug 2001
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Hello Quality. Graham and I agree on the same point. The "hook" isn't strong enough and I thought it was, or should be, "when I'm on your mind" Usually the hook falls either at the beginning or or the end of the chorus, or verses if that what the writer decides. The way you have yours now doesn't and so it isn't recognizable. Besides that I love the imagery you are creating and how you place the "singer" in a good light one that many can relate to. Food for thought and Good Luck! Douglas ------------------ "You can do what ever you want to do where ever you want to go. It's up to you." John Denver My Homepage is at: www.besonic.com/douglasmurphy
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Joined: Oct 2003
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I may be talking through my butt with this but I like the title because the song is centered around that thought....give it time. cause "in time", she will be on his mind because of the impact she had/has on him. Listener's who understand the song will recognize that in my opinion. But I've never had a hit song and I don't believe in the manuals because it's not technical writing we're doing here....it's our thoughts and heart talking. FWIW and best wishes with it!
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Joined: Nov 2002
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Hi Leslie, I like the premise of the song, and it has some really good lines like: "The only one to color you mad" "That lipstick red on cigarettes" I agree with Graham and Doug that you could make this a lot better if you strengthened the hook and got it in a power position. The other thing that bothers me a little is that there doesn't seem to be any kind of consistent rhyme scheme running through the verses or chorus. Depending on the genre and music, maybe that won't matter. But, most successful commercial songs have a consistent scheme of rhymes to make the song more memorable. I think this one has a lot of potential. Keep working at it. Larry ------------------ www.taylormadesongs.com [This message has been edited by teletwang (edited 05-12-2004).]
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Joined: Aug 2002
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Hi Leslie, I like this one a lot. I did wonder about the lack of a consistent rhyme scheme. Actually, I think this might work like it is, though. It's something I'd think about, though. You've got some killer lines in this lyric. Some of your better writing I've seen on this board. I agree with some of the others about the title. As much as I like the lyric, I don't think it supports the title very well. My recommendation to "fix" this is a little different, though. I'd simply change the title to "There'll Come A Day". That seems like a more logical title to sum up what the chorus is driving at, plus it's already in the "power position" at the beginning of the chorus. Anyway, with my advice and a dollar, you might get a cup of coffee, so take it for what it's worth. I think this has even more potential with some minor tweaking, is all. Good job. Randy ------------------ http://www.songramp.com/homepage.ez?Who=RandyB
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