7 members (Gary E. Andrews, Everett Adams, VNORTH2, couchgrouch, Fdemetrio, Perry Neal Crawford, Sunset Poet),
4,248
guests, and
261
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 98
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 98 |
rewritten Devilish One by Jim Schmieder jim@famvid.com Verse 1 Nothing could ever slow him down Hot footing it all over town Nothing would ever cramp his style He never missed a come-on smile He never cared where it was at Ready at the drop of a hat Looking for some devilish fun He sure was a devilish one
Chorus His life was consumed in earthly pleasure As he(would forfeit)(forfeited)heavenly treasure When you live only for the things below You will never have a heavenly home
Verse 2 He would throw caution to the wind Find a place for an all night binge He wouldn't stop for anyone Reveling was just too much fun Indulged in many one-night flings He did a lot of sinful things His last party had come and gone He sure was a devilish one
Chorus His life was consumed in earthly pleasure As he(would forfeit)(forfeited)heavenly treasure When you live only for the things below You will never have a heavenly home
Verse 3 Time for him to take one last ride In a long black hearse parked outside Standing before JESUS that day This is what JESUS had to say "You never cared about your soul Now heaven will not be your home I wanted you to be GOD's son Not the devil's devilish one"
Verse 4 "There's a place you'll be taken to Your friends are there ahead of you They're hot-footing it all around You'll hear a lot of mournful sounds They're really getting fired up The flames are starting to erupt" His life would no longer have fun Living with those devilish ones
Chorus ?
[This message has been edited by jim (edited 01-31-2004).]
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 8,389
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 8,389 |
Jim,
With four verses, only a semi-refrain, and no chorus and a simple A,A,B,B,C,C,D,D rhyme scheme I am aftaid this will sound monotanous to the ear.
dawg
Wisdom does not always accompany age. Sometimes age just shows up alone.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 98
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 98 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 98
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 98 |
Jan, Thank you for your critique and encouragement
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 7,357
Top 20 Poster
|
Top 20 Poster
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 7,357 |
DO keep at this one. It could be a solid Christian themed country or rockabilly tune. It does need something to break up the verses... at least a bridge if not a full out chorus. Good luck with it. This is a great start with some good rhymes and ideas.
Corey
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 98
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 98 |
Corey, Thanks for the encouragement, I REALLY need it at this time. Jim
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,718
Posts1,160,951
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|