Who's Online Now
7 members (VNORTH2, couchgrouch, Fdemetrio, Gary E. Andrews, Perry Neal Crawford, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier), 4,270 guests, and 267 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Register Today!
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.

By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
ShoutChat
Comment Guidelines: Do post respectful and insightful comments. Don't flame, hate, spam.
What's Going On
Does Billy Joel belong in top 10?
by Fdemetrio - 03/28/24 11:10 PM
It Is Done
by Sunset Poet - 03/28/24 07:44 PM
Music Industry Summit, Athens Ohio
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/28/24 06:14 PM
Can you save me from me
by VNORTH2 - 03/28/24 03:11 PM
As human as yo
by ckiphen - 03/28/24 09:55 AM
Fox News Reports Stunning Archeological Discovery.
by couchgrouch - 03/27/24 08:02 PM
Wasting My Time
by David Gill - 03/27/24 07:42 AM
Song available
by JAPOV - 03/26/24 03:38 PM
YELLIN AT CLOUDS
by David Gill - 03/26/24 03:20 PM
"Reliving" the great Lou Rawls!
by Brian Austin Whitney - 03/26/24 01:49 PM
::: The Best In My Life :::
by Bill Draper - 03/26/24 01:32 PM
The show must go on
by ckiphen - 03/26/24 09:06 AM
NYC Motel 1972
by rpirone - 03/26/24 12:43 AM
usic Industry Summitt
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/25/24 11:32 PM
The Rant Arena
by JAPOV - 03/25/24 07:39 PM
Song available
by Raymond Byabazaire - 03/25/24 11:55 AM
Song available
by Raymond Byabazaire - 03/25/24 11:55 AM
Lancaster Festival, Lancaster, Ohio
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/25/24 10:51 AM
Wasting my time
by Rob B. - 03/25/24 03:45 AM
Tom Waits.. What's he building
by Fdemetrio - 03/25/24 12:09 AM
Rick Beato, bad lyrics
by Fdemetrio - 03/24/24 11:23 PM
Inspirational Videos Post Them Here
by Sunset Poet - 03/24/24 11:27 AM
Used to take a Genius to Mix
by Fdemetrio - 03/23/24 11:00 AM
"Broken Places"
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/22/24 07:45 PM
All You Are Is A Lie
by Sunset Poet - 03/22/24 06:55 PM
Pour Choices
by Gavin Sinclair - 03/22/24 05:29 PM
Billy's 30 year overdue song.
by Fdemetrio - 03/22/24 01:30 PM
Make my dreams come true
by ckiphen - 03/22/24 10:51 AM
Top Posters
Calvin 19,857
Travis david 12,264
Kevin Emmrich 10,941
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,649
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 9,003
glynda 8,683
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
couchgrouch 8,160
Colin Ward 7,911
Corey 7,357
Vicarn 6,916
Mark Kaufman 6,589
ben willis 6,114
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,725
Linda Sings 5,608
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Fdemetrio 4,990
Neil Cotton 4,909
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,670
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,389
Roy Cooper 4,271
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Tom Shea 4,195
Cindy Miller 4,178
TamsNumber4 4,171
MFB III 4,143
Sunset Poet 4,126
nightengale 4,096
E Swartz 3,985
JAPOV 3,973
beechnut79 3,878
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,845
Dan Sullivan 3,710
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
Nigel Quin 2,891
PopTodd 2,890
Harriet Ames 2,870
MidniteBob 2,761
Nelson 2,616
Tom Tracy 2,558
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,246
Wendy D 2,235
Judy Hollier 2,232
Erica Ellis 2,202
maccharles 2,134
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,041
DukeWill 2,002
floyd jane 1,985
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,652
Noel Downs 1,633
Rick Heenan 1,608
Cal 1,574
GocartMoz 1,559
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,481
Tom Franz 1,473
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Rick Norton 1,429
Kenneth Cade 1,429
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,409
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
Deej56 1,385
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,294
lane1777 1,280
Gerry 1,280
DakLander 1,265
IronKnee 1,262
PeteG 1,242
Ian Ferrin 1,235
Glen King 1,214
VNORTH2 1,212
IdeaGuy 1,209
AaronAuthier 1,177
summeoyo 1,174
Diane Ewing 1,162
ckiphen 1,120
joro 1,082
BobbyJoe 1,075
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
9ne 1,035
David Gill 1,032
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
peaden 984
90 dB 964
Wolvman 960
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 829
ant 798
Juan 797
TKO 784
Dayson 781
frahmes 781
bennash 763
teletwang 762
Andy K 750
Andy Kemp 749
tbryson 737
Jackie444 731
Irwin 720
3daveyO3 704
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Pat Hardy 692
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Moosesong 668
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
quality 637
CG King 622
douglas 621
R&M 614
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Shandy 590
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
BB Wilbur 513
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
Rob L 439
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Alek 386
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Ann_F 379
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
ddreuter 371
spidey 371
sweetsong 370
danny 367
Rob B. 364
Jim Ryan 360
papaG 353
Z - man 350
JamesDF5 348
John K 348
Jaden 344
TheBaz 340
Steggy 339
leif 339
tonedeaf 336
rickwork 334
Eddie Ray 332
Johnboy 328
Bob Lever 328
Helicon1 327
lucian 326
Muskie 321
kc 319
Z. Mulls 318
ptondreau 313
ONOFFON 312
Chris B. 310
trush 304
ed323 297
Ellen M 294
markus-ky 293
lizzorn 291
nicnac49 290
Char 286
ktunes 285
Top Likes Received
JAPOV 86
VNORTH2 45
bennash 38
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate Thread
#327632 01/07/04 12:50 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 334
R
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
R
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 334
Hi All,

This is the first draft, and I realize a re-write (especially in the second pre-chorus) is in order, but I thought I'd see what you folks thought about it. Any comments will be appreciated.


BACK

VERSE:
After eighteen years of silent desperation
She’s fin’ly made her mind to lose the chains
It hasn’t been love for a long time now
She’s tired of being pris’ner to the pain
Not held back by the children he denied her
No reason not to walk out and stay gone
Feels no guilt when she’s through packin’
She’s been plannin’ her goin’ for so long

PRE-CHORUS:
He lashes out as she’s leavin’
Like always he goes on attack
Tells her she’ll be nothin’ without him
In no time she’ll be crawlin’ back

CHORUS
Back is not somewhere she’s headed
It’s not the destination in her mind
Though it's the place he wants her to be
She’s not goin’ back this time

VERSE:
She only has one moment of hesitation
As she starts to back the car out of the drive
She doesn’t know just where she’s goin’
Does she turn to the left or the right
Either way she’s happy with her freedom
There’s a big old world she hasn’t seen
And so many things for her to reach for
Now that she’s allowed herself to dream

PRE-CHORUS:
She smiles as she keeps drivin’
A few more miles and she’ll relax
At home he’s probably still believin’
That she’ll come crawlin’ back

CHORUS
Back is not somewhere she’s headed
It’s not the destination in her mind
Though it's the place he wants her to be
She’s not goin’ back this time


Copyright 2004 by Rick Workman


[This message has been edited by rickwork (edited 01-10-2004).]

#327633 01/07/04 01:23 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 1,035
Likes: 2
9ne Offline
Top 500 Poster
Offline
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 1,035
Likes: 2
Some very good work here! Back is a great hook.
"She’s fin’ly made her mind to lose the chains" This line is crying for the word "up" after mind. To stop the tears I'd suggest "she fin'ly set..."
"
Not shackled by the children he denied her"
This is an odd line, I know what you're saying but children don't shackle you. If they do, you're not a good parent.(generalization)
A different line would be better there.

"She’s been plannin’ her goin’ for so long"
This reads awkwardly; maybe;
Her leavin's been a plan now for so long

Tells her she’ll be nothin’ without him
In no time she’ll be crawlin’ back
I thought that was a bit cliche.

I'd leave back off the first line in the chorus as you've just used it in the pre, You could use "that's" for a near rhyme:
"That's not somewhere she is headed"

2nd pre-
She smiles as she keeps drivin’
A few more miles and she’ll relax
At home he’s searchin for a reason
Why she'd ever turn her back..

Just a couple of points, otherwise well written! Best of luck!




[This message has been edited by 9ne (edited 01-07-2004).]



#327634 01/07/04 01:36 PM
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,199
B
Top 100 Poster
Offline
Top 100 Poster
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,199
Hey Rick,

I think this is excellent, including the second PC. Just some thoughts for the sake of flow- V1, L3- "She hasn't loved him for a long time" V2,L1- maybe a one syllable word like "twinge" instead of "moment". I'm not crazy about the "should she turn L or R line. Maybe something more descripive about what she's headed to at the instead of "shoould she turn"- her future, salvation, world peace [Linked Image]- something like that. very nice job

Bill

------------------
We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.


#327635 01/07/04 05:08 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 334
R
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
R
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 334
Hey 9ne,

Been a long time. Where ya' been keeping yourself? Or, is it me that's been out of the loop?

Thanks for looking this one over.

I was using the "not shackled" line to show it would be easier to leave without children. But, if I have to explain it, I need to re-write it.

Thanks for your other suggestions also. This one is not finished in my mind yet. I will take all comments into consideration. Thanks for the feedback.

Hey Bill,

Thanks. I wasn't sure about the left or right line, either. Really I just threw it in there because it fit the melody I had going for the lyric. I also agree with your other point. I was having a hard time figuring out where she was going also.

I appreciate your time and comments.

RickW

#327636 01/07/04 05:54 PM
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,529
A
Top 100 Poster
Offline
Top 100 Poster
A
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,529
Hi Rick,

Great hook! I like the way the pre-chorus ends with "back" then flows into the chorus. Also like 9one's suggestion for "that" rather than "back" in 1st line of chorus.

"No children to consider" could be your 5th line in V-1. I like "she's allowed herself to dream."

First verse says she felt no guilt and had been planning this for so long, so the moment of hesitation in 2nd verse doesn't seem to fit. Also think she should know where she's going, at least which direction, since it's not spur of the moment.

Probably need to think about this a bit more, but you're on the right track!

#327637 01/07/04 08:38 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 334
R
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
R
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 334
Hey Songbird,

Thanks for the comments. I hadn't really caught the contradiction. I appreciate your time and effort.

RickW

#327638 01/07/04 08:52 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 2,116
Top 100 Poster
Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 2,116
Agree this is a good start, Rick! I didn't like the "shackled" line either -- I know your intent in using that word, but it doesn't sit right with me. Picked up on the same thing as Songbird -- if she's planned it for a long time, you'd think she would know where she wanted to go -- maybe it's just that she's planned on leaving for so long, it didn't matter where she went just as long as it was away from him ... hmmmm ...

I think it's getting there, Rick -- a few tweaks to take care of the weak spots will help this one a lot!


------------------
Mary Lou

#327639 01/07/04 09:44 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 586
L
Top 500 Poster
Offline
Top 500 Poster
L
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 586
Rick,
This is very good! I bet it will reach perfection in a short time. Good work! Leanne

#327640 01/08/04 08:56 AM
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Top 100 Poster
Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Hi Rick,

One last kick at the can before lights out. [Linked Image]

PRE-CHORUS:
He lashes out as she’s leavin’
(As always, he's on the attack)
Tells her she’ll be nothin’ without him
In no time she’ll be crawlin’ back

CHORUS
Back is not somewhere SHE'LL BE headed
THAT'S the LAST destination ON her mind
Back is the place HE'LL SOON WANT her to be
But she WON'T BE goin’ back this time

Hey I like this but I'm done for the day. . .
zzzzzzzz

------------------
Terry

#327641 01/08/04 01:16 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 8,389
C
Top 100 Poster
Offline
Top 100 Poster
C
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 8,389
Mornin' Rick,

Great job! I do believe this guy will be sounding like a Chili's commercial real soon. (I want my baby-back, baby-back,baby-back....)

Enjoyed the read thoroughly.

dawg


Wisdom does not always accompany age. Sometimes
age just shows up alone.
#327642 01/08/04 05:37 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 334
R
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
R
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 334
Hi Mary Lou,

Your vote has been counted [Linked Image] and will probably be addressed. Thanks for looking at this one.

Hey Leanne,

Thanks for your support. I appreciate you looking this one over.

Hi Tall Terry,

Thanks for the input on the chorus. I appreciate, and will consider them during the re-write.

Hey Dawg,

Damn! A commercial tie-in. That's just the deal I've been looking for! [Linked Image] Thanks for the look-see.

RickW

#327643 01/08/04 06:50 PM
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 10,690
Top 10 Poster
Offline
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 10,690
Hi Rick

Looks ready to go to me.

maybe a tag, something like

she's liberated by the fact
she ain't going back
ain't going back
-------
fade

#327644 01/08/04 08:45 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 334
R
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
R
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 334
Hey SJ,

Thanks for the comments. And I do like the suggestion for the tag. I may take it. I appreciate your comments.

RickW

#327645 01/08/04 10:23 PM
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534
Likes: 28
Top 10 Poster
Offline
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534
Likes: 28
Real solid for the most part Rick, though you may want to play with the chorus a bit ... I was not too fond of the third line in there using back again...maybe something like this??


Back is not somewhere she’s headed
It’s not the destination in her mind
though it's the place he wants her to be
she’s not goin’ back this time


If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop

#327646 01/10/04 12:19 PM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 392
A
Serious Contributor
Offline
Serious Contributor
A
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 392
Hi Rickwork - Nice work. Thought I'd chime in with some more things for you to consider.

I like that she hesitates and doesn't know exactly where she's going. She just has to get out of there.

V1L5:

"No staying for the children he denied her"

V2L3-4
"She doesn’t know just where she’s goin’
She only knows that goin's right

With a little tweaking this is definately a keeper. Good luck! Anne


Anne M-W
#327647 01/11/04 12:21 AM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 334
R
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
R
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 334
Hey John,

Thanks for the suggestion on the chorus. If you look at the edits above, I took it. Does help the flow. I appreciate it.

Hi Anne,

I sorta took your suggestion for the 'children' line. I appreciate your looking it over and commenting.

This is the first thing I've written in a long time that I think would fit a female singer. Lindsey's taken a copy of my work tape to get the melody down, so hopefully we can get a scratch demo down with the guitar sometime next week with her voice. If so, I'll post it on the Soundclick site.

In the meantime, any other comments would be appreciated.

RickW

#327648 01/11/04 04:36 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22
C
Casual Observer
Offline
Casual Observer
C
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 22
Hi Rick,
Well I think the others pretty much covered any suggestions I had when reading this over. I really like this piece. It flows well, and was easy to get a tune in my to while reading it. It hits a topic that many women can relate to. As far as any conflict between her planning the leave yet not having a destination in mind, that is something that happens quite often when a woman's ready to get out of a bad relationship. The planning is actually on the leaving part - getting out of the house without being talked out of it or stopped. [Linked Image]
Good work, and Good Luck!

#327649 01/15/04 04:47 PM
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 2,448
E
Top 100 Poster
Offline
Top 100 Poster
E
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 2,448
Geez Rick

You're gonna have half of the the guys in Nashville sittin alone (definition: drinkin beer, watchin football, fartin as they please, leavin the dirty dishes all over the place, coming and going as they please, five day beards, wiping greasy chicken fat off thier fingers onto thier shirt, watchin porno when they want, sittin naked in the laz-E-boy eatin buttered popcorn, orderin in pizza with everything they like on it, lettin the dog sleep anywhere it wants, havin the boys over to whoop it up Nascar Sunday etc. etc.) while thier women are runnin away to freedom. Now, what the heck kinda life is that fer a fella?

All the nits have been done and I have to say I really like this angle. One of those songs that just needs to be done.

Good work!

Eric


If you're going to judge someone, do it on the side of mercy.

Link Copied to Clipboard
Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Newest Members
chriscastle, yasir252, cathennashira, Samwise, HappySousa
21,470 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums117
Topics125,717
Posts1,160,950
Members21,470
Most Online37,523
Jan 25th, 2020
Just Plain Quotes
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
warriorgirl (2024)
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5