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Hi All,
This is the first draft, and I realize a re-write (especially in the second pre-chorus) is in order, but I thought I'd see what you folks thought about it. Any comments will be appreciated.
BACK
VERSE: After eighteen years of silent desperation She’s fin’ly made her mind to lose the chains It hasn’t been love for a long time now She’s tired of being pris’ner to the pain Not held back by the children he denied her No reason not to walk out and stay gone Feels no guilt when she’s through packin’ She’s been plannin’ her goin’ for so long
PRE-CHORUS: He lashes out as she’s leavin’ Like always he goes on attack Tells her she’ll be nothin’ without him In no time she’ll be crawlin’ back
CHORUS Back is not somewhere she’s headed It’s not the destination in her mind Though it's the place he wants her to be She’s not goin’ back this time
VERSE: She only has one moment of hesitation As she starts to back the car out of the drive She doesn’t know just where she’s goin’ Does she turn to the left or the right Either way she’s happy with her freedom There’s a big old world she hasn’t seen And so many things for her to reach for Now that she’s allowed herself to dream
PRE-CHORUS: She smiles as she keeps drivin’ A few more miles and she’ll relax At home he’s probably still believin’ That she’ll come crawlin’ back
CHORUS Back is not somewhere she’s headed It’s not the destination in her mind Though it's the place he wants her to be She’s not goin’ back this time
Copyright 2004 by Rick Workman
[This message has been edited by rickwork (edited 01-10-2004).]
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Some very good work here! Back is a great hook. "She’s fin’ly made her mind to lose the chains" This line is crying for the word "up" after mind. To stop the tears I'd suggest "she fin'ly set..." " Not shackled by the children he denied her" This is an odd line, I know what you're saying but children don't shackle you. If they do, you're not a good parent.(generalization) A different line would be better there.
"She’s been plannin’ her goin’ for so long" This reads awkwardly; maybe; Her leavin's been a plan now for so long
Tells her she’ll be nothin’ without him In no time she’ll be crawlin’ back I thought that was a bit cliche.
I'd leave back off the first line in the chorus as you've just used it in the pre, You could use "that's" for a near rhyme: "That's not somewhere she is headed"
2nd pre- She smiles as she keeps drivin’ A few more miles and she’ll relax At home he’s searchin for a reason Why she'd ever turn her back..
Just a couple of points, otherwise well written! Best of luck!
[This message has been edited by 9ne (edited 01-07-2004).]
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Hey Rick, I think this is excellent, including the second PC. Just some thoughts for the sake of flow- V1, L3- "She hasn't loved him for a long time" V2,L1- maybe a one syllable word like "twinge" instead of "moment". I'm not crazy about the "should she turn L or R line. Maybe something more descripive about what she's headed to at the instead of "shoould she turn"- her future, salvation, world peace - something like that. very nice job Bill ------------------ We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.
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Hey 9ne,
Been a long time. Where ya' been keeping yourself? Or, is it me that's been out of the loop?
Thanks for looking this one over.
I was using the "not shackled" line to show it would be easier to leave without children. But, if I have to explain it, I need to re-write it.
Thanks for your other suggestions also. This one is not finished in my mind yet. I will take all comments into consideration. Thanks for the feedback.
Hey Bill,
Thanks. I wasn't sure about the left or right line, either. Really I just threw it in there because it fit the melody I had going for the lyric. I also agree with your other point. I was having a hard time figuring out where she was going also.
I appreciate your time and comments.
RickW
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Hi Rick,
Great hook! I like the way the pre-chorus ends with "back" then flows into the chorus. Also like 9one's suggestion for "that" rather than "back" in 1st line of chorus.
"No children to consider" could be your 5th line in V-1. I like "she's allowed herself to dream."
First verse says she felt no guilt and had been planning this for so long, so the moment of hesitation in 2nd verse doesn't seem to fit. Also think she should know where she's going, at least which direction, since it's not spur of the moment.
Probably need to think about this a bit more, but you're on the right track!
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Hey Songbird,
Thanks for the comments. I hadn't really caught the contradiction. I appreciate your time and effort.
RickW
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Agree this is a good start, Rick! I didn't like the "shackled" line either -- I know your intent in using that word, but it doesn't sit right with me. Picked up on the same thing as Songbird -- if she's planned it for a long time, you'd think she would know where she wanted to go -- maybe it's just that she's planned on leaving for so long, it didn't matter where she went just as long as it was away from him ... hmmmm ...
I think it's getting there, Rick -- a few tweaks to take care of the weak spots will help this one a lot!
------------------ Mary Lou
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Rick, This is very good! I bet it will reach perfection in a short time. Good work! Leanne
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Hi Rick, One last kick at the can before lights out. PRE-CHORUS: He lashes out as she’s leavin’ (As always, he's on the attack) Tells her she’ll be nothin’ without him In no time she’ll be crawlin’ back CHORUS Back is not somewhere SHE'LL BE headed THAT'S the LAST destination ON her mind Back is the place HE'LL SOON WANT her to be But she WON'T BE goin’ back this time Hey I like this but I'm done for the day. . . zzzzzzzz ------------------ Terry
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Mornin' Rick,
Great job! I do believe this guy will be sounding like a Chili's commercial real soon. (I want my baby-back, baby-back,baby-back....)
Enjoyed the read thoroughly.
dawg
Wisdom does not always accompany age. Sometimes age just shows up alone.
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Hi Mary Lou, Your vote has been counted and will probably be addressed. Thanks for looking at this one. Hey Leanne, Thanks for your support. I appreciate you looking this one over. Hi Tall Terry, Thanks for the input on the chorus. I appreciate, and will consider them during the re-write. Hey Dawg, Damn! A commercial tie-in. That's just the deal I've been looking for! Thanks for the look-see. RickW
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Hi Rick
Looks ready to go to me.
maybe a tag, something like
she's liberated by the fact she ain't going back ain't going back ------- fade
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Hey SJ,
Thanks for the comments. And I do like the suggestion for the tag. I may take it. I appreciate your comments.
RickW
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Real solid for the most part Rick, though you may want to play with the chorus a bit ... I was not too fond of the third line in there using back again...maybe something like this??
Back is not somewhere she’s headed It’s not the destination in her mind though it's the place he wants her to be she’s not goin’ back this time
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
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Hi Rickwork - Nice work. Thought I'd chime in with some more things for you to consider.
I like that she hesitates and doesn't know exactly where she's going. She just has to get out of there. V1L5:
"No staying for the children he denied her"
V2L3-4 "She doesn’t know just where she’s goin’ She only knows that goin's right
With a little tweaking this is definately a keeper. Good luck! Anne
Anne M-W
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Hey John,
Thanks for the suggestion on the chorus. If you look at the edits above, I took it. Does help the flow. I appreciate it.
Hi Anne,
I sorta took your suggestion for the 'children' line. I appreciate your looking it over and commenting.
This is the first thing I've written in a long time that I think would fit a female singer. Lindsey's taken a copy of my work tape to get the melody down, so hopefully we can get a scratch demo down with the guitar sometime next week with her voice. If so, I'll post it on the Soundclick site.
In the meantime, any other comments would be appreciated.
RickW
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Hi Rick, Well I think the others pretty much covered any suggestions I had when reading this over. I really like this piece. It flows well, and was easy to get a tune in my to while reading it. It hits a topic that many women can relate to. As far as any conflict between her planning the leave yet not having a destination in mind, that is something that happens quite often when a woman's ready to get out of a bad relationship. The planning is actually on the leaving part - getting out of the house without being talked out of it or stopped. Good work, and Good Luck!
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Geez Rick
You're gonna have half of the the guys in Nashville sittin alone (definition: drinkin beer, watchin football, fartin as they please, leavin the dirty dishes all over the place, coming and going as they please, five day beards, wiping greasy chicken fat off thier fingers onto thier shirt, watchin porno when they want, sittin naked in the laz-E-boy eatin buttered popcorn, orderin in pizza with everything they like on it, lettin the dog sleep anywhere it wants, havin the boys over to whoop it up Nascar Sunday etc. etc.) while thier women are runnin away to freedom. Now, what the heck kinda life is that fer a fella?
All the nits have been done and I have to say I really like this angle. One of those songs that just needs to be done.
Good work!
Eric
If you're going to judge someone, do it on the side of mercy.
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