7 members (VNORTH2, couchgrouch, Fdemetrio, Gary E. Andrews, Perry Neal Crawford, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier),
4,195
guests, and
268
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,529
Top 100 Poster
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,529 |
Just wanted to run this past you eagle-eyed folks before I have it demoed! I'm sure you'll spot any flaws..and I will appreciate all comments. Thanks.
Nothin' Hurts Like The Truth Copyright 2003 Ann Tygart BMI
When he calls on his cell phone, says he's workin' late She lights her candles, tries to meditate What else can she do to ease her troubled mind If she looks too hard, no tellin' what she'll find
(Cho) (And) Nothin' Hurts Like The Truth Nothin' Hurts Like the Truth So we keep hangin' on till all the love is gone Cause Nothin' Hurts Like The Truth
Tonight his cell phone's ringin', he whispers something low Says that was the office, hon I've gotta go They're really in a bind so don't wait up for me She knows in her heart that's not where he'll be
(Repeat Chorus)
(Bridge) On the surface everything is cool Underneath nobody's fooled In the closet all her bags are packed Come tomorrow he'll wake up to the fact...that
(Repeat Chorus)
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 7,357
Top 20 Poster
|
Top 20 Poster
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 7,357 |
Great hook and a universal idea. The main issues that popped up in my mind did so towards the end of the lyric. Since she hasn't looked deeper into the situation (according to v.1) and has no absolute proof of anything (she just knows in her heart) (so far as the listener knows)... why is she leaving? Some flash of realization that's evident to the listener needs to come before, to have that make perfect sense. Also, the third line of the chorus doesn't work at the end if she's truly leaving. Just some things to think about. Overall, this is a fetching lyric with a lot of potential for commerciality. Good luck with it!
Corey
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 11,806
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 11,806 |
Howdy Ann, I truly do like this a lot. One of the best I have seen from you IMO. Have to agree with Corey on the issue, however. Perhaps consider a switch on the last line of V1 to indicate that she does have actual proof. When he calls on his cell phone, says he's workin' late She lights her candles, tries to meditate What else can she do to ease her troubled mind THOUGH SHE HATES TO ADMIT IT, SHE CAN'T IGNORE THE SIGNS....AOR SHE REALLY ISN'T BLIND AND SHE CAN'T IGNORE THE SIGNS Personally, I have never figured out how packing one's bags is realistic. Heck, when I moved, it took a huge moving van. Dawg about had heart failure! Otherwise..go for the demo on this. I think it is just about ready. Bobbie
They'll tell you success in the music biz is all about who you know...but the truth is...it's about who knows you. Gallup 'n Dawg Music
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,529
Top 100 Poster
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,529 |
Hi Corey & Bobbie,
I'm so glad I posted this...almost didn't because it's already been "approved" by an NSAI evaluator.
I'd forgotten on the last chorus I was going to say "She KEPT hangin' on till all the love WAS gone." So thanks for mentioning that. (I've done so many rewrites on this, should have numbered them!)
I'll also work in some kind of "sign" so there's proof and not just suspicion.
Many thanks to you both for pointing out the weak spots. Glad to know I'm almost there!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 10,690
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 10,690 |
hi song
corey and bobbie have given you great advice
my thoughts are that you could use a pre chorus to clear things up
perhaps something like this
i've ignored the scent of another femme/woman but how long can i pretend
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275 |
Wow..I feel like a Janitor who arrives only t' find EVAHTHIN's already BEEN Cleaned Up! ;-)>
FINE Lyric, Birdy, GREAT Critiquin' Corey, Bobbie, Joyce!
Onliest Suggestion LEFT: Maybe say "Still" insteada "So" we keep hangin' on in your Chorus.
"KUDOS" Ann..& My Muse jus' got me Up at 7AM t' Write One about The Movie Song Experience.. ;_)>
Big Hugs, Stan
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275 |
{I'm basically havin' an UP Week..Fans've been Sellin', I've got 2 of the 4 Cast-Iron Arms attached to the Ybor City Streetlight I've restored & erected in the Front of the New Digs/Our Spanish Neighbors LOVE It...& I'm (Slowly) Learning Guitar, makin' (Some) Progress with The Eventual Band. BUT..after puttin' Heart-&-Soul into a Song that was Custom-Written for a Movie last week, WITH the encouragement of the Sound Editor, we got back a 1-Sentence Rejection Note "the Song is not up to speed." OK, It's THEIR Movie..heh..but in my Heart of Hearts Sue & I wrote a KILLER. (Time Will Tell.) Anyways, My Muse woke me up at 7AM to Write This NEXT Song. AND get Back to an UP Week!}
Lord, Once Again, I must Face Disappointment Yeah, Once Again, there is Pain in My Life It just Stumbled In, like a Fly-in-The-Ointment Now it's Under My Skin, & It Cuts-like-a-Knife
(CHORUS) Let Me Learn How To Lose It's as Important as Winning Let Me Learn How To Lose With Dignity I'm Dependin' on You, Lord To Keep Me Grinning Let Me Learn How To Lose The Hurtin' in Me
Lord, Once Again, I Lost Something Important Yeah, Once Again, I Crawl Backwards Inside I was Doin' Alright, Then like a Big Bag of Portland Disappointment Dropped IN, & Pounded My Life
(CHORUS) Let Me Learn How To Lose I Need that New Beginning Let Me Learn How To Lose With Dignity I'm Dependin' on You, Lord I Need Thicker Skin and Let Me Learn How To Lose This Hurtin' in Me
(BRIDGE) Thanks for Some Humor, Lord to Help Me Crawl... You show me Disappointment's Not SO Important..After All---
(CHORUS) So Let Me Learn How To Lose It's a Skill That Takes Practice Let Me Learn How To Lose With Dignity Let Me Learn How To Lose Help Me Perfect My Act as I Learn How To Lose This Hurtin' In Me...
(TAG) Let Me Learn How To Lose This Hurtin' In Me.
(C) 2003 by Stan Good, BMI All Rights Reserved.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,529
Top 100 Poster
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,529 |
Mornin' Joyce,
Thanks for the pre-chorus idea...I'll keep that in mind, too, when I "fine-tune." ...........
And mornin' to you Stan,
Thanks for the "kudos" and suggestion, altho I don't think it would work here, I'll still think about it.
As for the reject...I feel your pain! At least you got it out...songwriting is so therapeutic! BTW, did you mean to post your song here? Maybe start a new topic so you'll get some feedback on it, if that's your intent. Or were you just venting? Whatever, I think you spoke to all of us!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 686
Serious Contributor
|
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 686 |
Songbird:
I like the story and most of the lyric. A pre-chorus adds a nice musical lift into a chorus, but I'll focus on what you have written thus far.
I write and sing. Problem is, I feel most comfortable writing and arranging country music and still sing like Robert Goulet. Yuk! Too many years performing in musicals, I suppose.
Still, the more I tried to phrase the second line of V1 the more awkward it got and the less it seemed to "paint a picture."
When he calls on his cell phone, says he's workin' late She lights her candles, tries to meditate Consider this line to better illustrate why she's thinking about leaving: She stares through candles by two empty plates What else can she do to ease her troubled mind If she looks too hard, no tellin' what she'll find
Now for the chorus. The way it reads now, V1 leads into the chorus well, but that's not the case when it follows the bridge. The "So we keep hangin' on till all the love is gone" doesn't work the second time around.
Maybe if you change that line to "So why keep hangin' on till all the love is gone, might be more consistant with the message in V1 and the bridge.
Now that I've put in my two cents, please help me again. I just added "Stories" on lyric Forum 1 and it needs your immedite attention.
Good Luck, Ann
P.E. Knudsen
[This message has been edited by Knute (edited 09-24-2003).]
P.E. Knudsen
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,529
Top 100 Poster
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,529 |
Hey, thanks a bunch, Knute...Good suggestions! I'll hop on over to "Stories" now.
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,717
Posts1,160,950
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|