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#311924 - 06/04/03 01:59 PM It's All About You  
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 15
imabusker Offline
Casual Observer
imabusker  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: May 2003
Posts: 15
Williamston, MI, USA
Looking for feedback. I was venting about a friend one day and came up with the following. One verse (with * next to it) is borderline something not so nice (not that any of it is anything anyone wants to hear about themselves, but do I leave it in? or take it out? well . . . here goes.

It's All About You

Your eyes your hair your pretty face
Your Car your shoes your maid your place
You you you, it's all about
You you you, it's all about you

Your Health, your dog, your brand new home
Your gown, your nails and your cologne
You you you, it's all about
You you you, it's all about you

You love your job
But don't get you wrong,
It's not like there aren't other ones
And you love your friends
But make no mistake
You'd leave them all tomorrow--
Friends are replaceable

Your cloves, your pot, your resposado
Your diamond belly button ring is your motto
Excess is you it's all about you
You you you, it's all about you

(*)Your hairless ____, your motorized dildo
You don't want a nipple ring,
but how'bout a tattoo?
Excess is you it's all about you
You you you, it's all about you

And you love your child
But don't get you wrong,
You'll never have another one
And you love your husband
But don't feel bad
For his vasectomy--
cause it's not as painful as birth.

Instrumental

Oops, did I offend you?
Well don't get me wrong,
Music is therepy
If I've made you angry,
Well don't feel bad
I'm only venting--
Doesn't reality bite?

Your boat, your ring, your reservation
You have it bad it's just your sixth vacation
It sucks to be you, it's all about
You you you, it's all about you

Peace, out

PS My husband says he likes it, but it sounds like a country song by. . . sorry I can't remember his name.

#311925 - 06/04/03 02:48 PM Re: It's All About You  
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 4,372
Bob Young (D) Offline
Top 100 Poster
Bob Young (D)  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 4,372
chicago il usa
Sorry about all that venom on that other thread.....
Don't be scared...we're a real friendly bunch here..that business over there has alot of history behind it..look at the number of posts by most of those involved and you'll see that this has been building for a long time.

Welcome to JPF....

About your lyric..

First, it feels a bit long...
You could lose the verse about the hairless whatever and the motorized dildo and noone would miss it..it feels a little"ok, here's the shocking part" and it intrudes on what is otherwise a nice balanced lyric.

This is a flip on "Lets Talk about Me" by the incredibly untalented (in my opinion) Toby Keith..

All in all this flows very well..it has a good rhytmic quality and should do well when set to music..

Good luck and lets see some more of your work !

Bob Young

#311926 - 06/04/03 03:45 PM Re: It's All About You  
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 15
imabusker Offline
Casual Observer
imabusker  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: May 2003
Posts: 15
Williamston, MI, USA
Thank you, Bob.

Yeah, I'm too embarrassed to sing that verse anyway. And Yes, it was Toby Keith.

What is long?
This piece runs about 3:10 when I cut the nasty verse. Ok, so, I cut the last you you you line on each verse too. I'm playing with it. I'll re write and repost.

Thanks again.

#311927 - 06/04/03 03:54 PM Re: It's All About You  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 11,806
Bobbie Gallup (D) Offline
Top 10 Poster
Bobbie Gallup (D)  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 11,806
Nashville, TN, USA
Hi Ima,

Welcome to JPF...and as Bob sez, you have nothing to fear on here. The crap over on that other thread is definitely NOT typical for what normally passes for a gracious and very helpful community of folks..who truly do enjoy helping others improve their songwriting. Most everyone here is very tolerant of just about anything, except the extreme few that go off on egotistical rants on occasion. Mostly those few just get ignored here. Not much sense in arguing with someone who loves sitting on a self-created pedestal. Once in awhile we do take a pot shot or two just to keep in shape. [Linked Image] You have nothing to fear, however.

This is very cute...although as Bob pointed out, is probably too close to the Toby Keith song, so unless you are Natalie Maines, you probably won't get too far with it. Otherwise, it definitely shows that you have considerable skill with wordsmithing and rhyme. This flows along well. I also would drop that verse about the dildo, etc. Sure wouldn't get airplay on any country station. If you do your own music, you might get away with this in a performance setting...but as Bob pointed out...it merely detracts from this otherwise fun song. I also did not understand your reason for using the one Spanish word in here. That also probably needs to go unless you absolutely can't do the song without it.

Not sure about using the word "motto" to refer to the belly button ring. I would think trademark might be more appropos. A motto is normally a written phrase or sentence, rather than some signature item like this.

Keep writing..and keep posting.

Bobbie


They'll tell you success in the music biz is all about who you know...but the truth is...it's about who knows you.

Gallup 'n Dawg Music
#311928 - 06/04/03 04:35 PM Re: It's All About You  
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 15
imabusker Offline
Casual Observer
imabusker  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: May 2003
Posts: 15
Williamston, MI, USA
Yes, I agree about the dildo verse. It's out.
I'm re working as I write, but I think I have to leave motto for now unless anyone has a better word that rhymes and means the same thing. Worst case scenario-- I write a whole new verse about a belly button ring. Doable. I guess it does have a certain country quality about it. I'm not a country musician, but if anybody ever wanted to go country with it, I could be flexible. [Linked Image]

Thanks for your comments. Ima

#311929 - 06/04/03 05:18 PM Re: It's All About You  
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 15
imabusker Offline
Casual Observer
imabusker  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: May 2003
Posts: 15
Williamston, MI, USA
RE-Do. Ok, I guess I have to go out and find Toby Keith's song now.
This rewrite is under 3 minutes including fade out or whatever the ending decides to do.

It's All About You/CALM

Your eyes, your hair, your pretty face
Your shoes, your car, your maid, your place
You! You! You! Itís all about you

Your health, your dog, your brand new home
Your gown, your nails, and your cologne
You! You! You! Itís all about you

You love your job,
But donít get you wrong
Itís not like there arenít other ones
You love your friends,
But make no mistake
Youíd leave them all tomorrow,
--Friends are replaceable

Your cloves, your pot, your resposado
Your diamond belly button ring is your motto
Excess is you! Itís all about you

You love your child,
But donít get you wrong
Youíll never have another one
You love your husband
But donít feel bad
For his vasectomy,
--Itís not as painful as birth

Instrumental. . .

Oops, did I offend you?
Well donít get me wrong
Music is therapy
If Iíve made you angry,
well donít feel bad.
Iím only venting.
--Doesnít reality bight?


Your boat, your phone, your reservation
You have it bad; Itís just your sixth vacation
It sucks to be you! Itís all about you

You! You! You! Itís all about you
Excess is you! Itís all about you
You! You! You! Itís all about you

#311930 - 06/04/03 06:43 PM Re: It's All About You  
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 2,116
Mary Lou Sudkamp Offline
Top 100 Poster
Mary Lou Sudkamp  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 2,116
Alexandria, KY USA
Sorry, Ima, but it is still waaaayyyyy too much like Toby's song! If you haven't heard it, you need to so you can see what we are talking about. I don't think a few nits are going to help you on this one because it is too similar. I see you took out that questionable verse -- good move, but it would take a complete rewrite for it not to be compared to "I Want To Talk About Me" and for it to go anywhere. That all said, I hope you're not discouraged from posting more on here. I'm not an expert, but I just keep plugging away hoping that with each post I learn a little more and improve my songwriting skills. [Linked Image]

------------------
Mary Lou

#311931 - 06/04/03 07:44 PM Re: It's All About You  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
Graham Henderson (D) Offline
Graham Henderson (D)  Offline

Top 10 Poster

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
Esperance. West Australia
Welcome to the Forum Ima B. Enjoyed this. Haven't seen the Toby Who? thing so can't comment.
Loved the didldo bit, as I know a singer who would make that bit live doing it, but agrre it is best out.
And se ya done that.
Re the not so nice stuff o the other post IMa. An old sayiing I may have just thought up that goes: If you don't know what caused the scum on the water, don't swim in the pond.
Not a pretty sight to greet a newbie I knwo but it hapens from time to time on all forums.
I am more concerned at the tell the truth brian one that I can not for the life of me see any rason for posting on a lyrics forum other than to stir.
If you find thre toby whatsisname one and it is similar theme but differant I still say go for it as this looks like a lot of fun live.
Oh do work on something better to end it tham a fade Ima. They rarely work live and look so darn dumb done over a bsacking track.
Graham

------------------
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/2/grahamhendersonmusic.htm

#311932 - 06/05/03 07:28 AM Re: It's All About You  
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 15
imabusker Offline
Casual Observer
imabusker  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: May 2003
Posts: 15
Williamston, MI, USA
Good morning [Linked Image]

Thank you Mary Lou and Graham.

I will surely find Toby's song and give a listen. I'm not discouraged. It's not the only song just one I was getting sort of close to and my band wants to play it in a retro sort of duwop style.

Regarding the fade out; well, we haven't rehearsed it enough to get a grip yet. More than likely it won't fade and we have another song that we faded in recording but on stage, yeah it's always sort of strange.

In regards to what ever water under the bridge is still flowing in "that other column" . . . I'm minding my own business from here on forward-- It just isn't about me.

Good Karmic move.

Adios
Ima

#311933 - 04/15/06 07:39 AM Re: It's All About You  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 18,699
Brian Austin Whitney Offline
Brian Austin Whitney  Offline


Top 10 Poster

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 18,699
Indianapolis, IN USA
Random Bump To Freshen Up The Board


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"Don't sit around and wait for success to come to you... it doesn't know the way." -Brian Austin Whitney

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