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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/05/24 01:49 PM
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Looking for feedback. I was venting about a friend one day and came up with the following. One verse (with * next to it) is borderline something not so nice (not that any of it is anything anyone wants to hear about themselves, but do I leave it in? or take it out? well . . . here goes.
It's All About You
Your eyes your hair your pretty face Your Car your shoes your maid your place You you you, it's all about You you you, it's all about you
Your Health, your dog, your brand new home Your gown, your nails and your cologne You you you, it's all about You you you, it's all about you
You love your job But don't get you wrong, It's not like there aren't other ones And you love your friends But make no mistake You'd leave them all tomorrow-- Friends are replaceable
Your cloves, your pot, your resposado Your diamond belly button ring is your motto Excess is you it's all about you You you you, it's all about you
(*)Your hairless ____, your motorized dildo You don't want a nipple ring, but how'bout a tattoo? Excess is you it's all about you You you you, it's all about you
And you love your child But don't get you wrong, You'll never have another one And you love your husband But don't feel bad For his vasectomy-- cause it's not as painful as birth.
Instrumental
Oops, did I offend you? Well don't get me wrong, Music is therepy If I've made you angry, Well don't feel bad I'm only venting-- Doesn't reality bite?
Your boat, your ring, your reservation You have it bad it's just your sixth vacation It sucks to be you, it's all about You you you, it's all about you
Peace, out
PS My husband says he likes it, but it sounds like a country song by. . . sorry I can't remember his name.
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Joined: Jul 2001
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Sorry about all that venom on that other thread..... Don't be scared...we're a real friendly bunch here..that business over there has alot of history behind it..look at the number of posts by most of those involved and you'll see that this has been building for a long time.
Welcome to JPF....
About your lyric..
First, it feels a bit long... You could lose the verse about the hairless whatever and the motorized dildo and noone would miss it..it feels a little"ok, here's the shocking part" and it intrudes on what is otherwise a nice balanced lyric.
This is a flip on "Lets Talk about Me" by the incredibly untalented (in my opinion) Toby Keith..
All in all this flows very well..it has a good rhytmic quality and should do well when set to music..
Good luck and lets see some more of your work !
Bob Young
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Thank you, Bob.
Yeah, I'm too embarrassed to sing that verse anyway. And Yes, it was Toby Keith.
What is long? This piece runs about 3:10 when I cut the nasty verse. Ok, so, I cut the last you you you line on each verse too. I'm playing with it. I'll re write and repost.
Thanks again.
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Joined: Jan 2001
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Hi Ima, Welcome to JPF...and as Bob sez, you have nothing to fear on here. The crap over on that other thread is definitely NOT typical for what normally passes for a gracious and very helpful community of folks..who truly do enjoy helping others improve their songwriting. Most everyone here is very tolerant of just about anything, except the extreme few that go off on egotistical rants on occasion. Mostly those few just get ignored here. Not much sense in arguing with someone who loves sitting on a self-created pedestal. Once in awhile we do take a pot shot or two just to keep in shape. You have nothing to fear, however. This is very cute...although as Bob pointed out, is probably too close to the Toby Keith song, so unless you are Natalie Maines, you probably won't get too far with it. Otherwise, it definitely shows that you have considerable skill with wordsmithing and rhyme. This flows along well. I also would drop that verse about the dildo, etc. Sure wouldn't get airplay on any country station. If you do your own music, you might get away with this in a performance setting...but as Bob pointed out...it merely detracts from this otherwise fun song. I also did not understand your reason for using the one Spanish word in here. That also probably needs to go unless you absolutely can't do the song without it. Not sure about using the word "motto" to refer to the belly button ring. I would think trademark might be more appropos. A motto is normally a written phrase or sentence, rather than some signature item like this. Keep writing..and keep posting. Bobbie
They'll tell you success in the music biz is all about who you know...but the truth is...it's about who knows you. Gallup 'n Dawg Music
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Yes, I agree about the dildo verse. It's out. I'm re working as I write, but I think I have to leave motto for now unless anyone has a better word that rhymes and means the same thing. Worst case scenario-- I write a whole new verse about a belly button ring. Doable. I guess it does have a certain country quality about it. I'm not a country musician, but if anybody ever wanted to go country with it, I could be flexible. Thanks for your comments. Ima
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RE-Do. Ok, I guess I have to go out and find Toby Keith's song now. This rewrite is under 3 minutes including fade out or whatever the ending decides to do.
It's All About You/CALM
Your eyes, your hair, your pretty face Your shoes, your car, your maid, your place You! You! You! It’s all about you
Your health, your dog, your brand new home Your gown, your nails, and your cologne You! You! You! It’s all about you
You love your job, But don’t get you wrong It’s not like there aren’t other ones You love your friends, But make no mistake You’d leave them all tomorrow, --Friends are replaceable
Your cloves, your pot, your resposado Your diamond belly button ring is your motto Excess is you! It’s all about you You love your child, But don’t get you wrong You’ll never have another one You love your husband But don’t feel bad For his vasectomy, --It’s not as painful as birth Instrumental. . .
Oops, did I offend you? Well don’t get me wrong Music is therapy If I’ve made you angry, well don’t feel bad. I’m only venting. --Doesn’t reality bight?
Your boat, your phone, your reservation You have it bad; It’s just your sixth vacation It sucks to be you! It’s all about you
You! You! You! It’s all about you Excess is you! It’s all about you You! You! You! It’s all about you
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Sorry, Ima, but it is still waaaayyyyy too much like Toby's song! If you haven't heard it, you need to so you can see what we are talking about. I don't think a few nits are going to help you on this one because it is too similar. I see you took out that questionable verse -- good move, but it would take a complete rewrite for it not to be compared to "I Want To Talk About Me" and for it to go anywhere. That all said, I hope you're not discouraged from posting more on here. I'm not an expert, but I just keep plugging away hoping that with each post I learn a little more and improve my songwriting skills. ------------------ Mary Lou
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Welcome to the Forum Ima B. Enjoyed this. Haven't seen the Toby Who? thing so can't comment. Loved the didldo bit, as I know a singer who would make that bit live doing it, but agrre it is best out. And se ya done that. Re the not so nice stuff o the other post IMa. An old sayiing I may have just thought up that goes: If you don't know what caused the scum on the water, don't swim in the pond. Not a pretty sight to greet a newbie I knwo but it hapens from time to time on all forums. I am more concerned at the tell the truth brian one that I can not for the life of me see any rason for posting on a lyrics forum other than to stir. If you find thre toby whatsisname one and it is similar theme but differant I still say go for it as this looks like a lot of fun live. Oh do work on something better to end it tham a fade Ima. They rarely work live and look so darn dumb done over a bsacking track. Graham ------------------ http://www.soundclick.com/bands/2/grahamhendersonmusic.htm
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Good morning Thank you Mary Lou and Graham. I will surely find Toby's song and give a listen. I'm not discouraged. It's not the only song just one I was getting sort of close to and my band wants to play it in a retro sort of duwop style. Regarding the fade out; well, we haven't rehearsed it enough to get a grip yet. More than likely it won't fade and we have another song that we faded in recording but on stage, yeah it's always sort of strange. In regards to what ever water under the bridge is still flowing in "that other column" . . . I'm minding my own business from here on forward-- It just isn't about me. Good Karmic move. Adios Ima
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Random Bump To Freshen Up The Board
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