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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 395
Serious Contributor
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OP
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 395 |
Fresh ink folks - first one in a long time...
Waiting For Me
This old road ain't no friend of mine Though we know each other well A broken man on a broken line Goin' just as far as I can tell
Now and then I slip a gear Now and then I feel the fear I don't want to be lonely
Chorus: Someone is waiting for me Someone I love Someone I need Someone is waiting for me
The miles are dressed for steel and chrome And the asphalt doesn't seem to care I was told all roads would lead to home But this one never leads me anywhere
Now and then I test my brakes Now and then is all it takes I don't want to be lonely
Chorus
Bridge: Maybe I'll never know her name But she's waiting just the same I don't want to be lonely
hobes
"Every time I sit down to write a lyric, when I stand up I feel three pounds lighter" - Alan Jay Lerner
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,232
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Hi Hobart, this lyric is so beautifully sad and so simple. Only tiny nit might be to drop "seem to" from the second line of v2. Cheers, Judy
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
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G'day Cobbre. God to see ya. The ashphalt line got me thinking too but I worked on it and it sang. wsa easier my way without the seem too but it got there and is better with it in there meaning wise anyway me thinks. I actually have an unfinished piece called this. Nothing like this though, strange thing about it is i have had the music done for years but have never got the words to wher i am happy with them. Like it Hobes. The thinkg trucker song me thinks. Reingards. Graham ------------------ http://www.songramp.com/homepage.ez?Who=grahamhenderson
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 4,178
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Hey Hobes, I always get excited when I see a new one from you on the board. I know I'm going to be impressed before I even read it. Mostly cause you have a knack for saying volumes in a very economical way. I admire that quality in a writer, in you. You certainly didn't disappoint with this gem. Very beautiful and sad portrait of a lonely man with a glimmer of hope in his hand and the anticipation of a new dance in his hopeful heart. Bravo, Hobiwan! Tinker [This message has been edited by TINK (edited 12-06-2002).]
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5 |
Hobes, this is first rate. proof pos that it's not quantity but quality that counts. ps one of my many dead end jobs was dish jockey as a 17 year old. the dishwasher was made by Hobart and it used to always break down making me spend my graveyard shift washing pots, pans, silverware and scraping hard cheese off Mexican combo plates by hand. I hated that Hobart machine. everytime i see your name I get a baaaad flashback, haha. the bosslady'd say, "the Hobart man won't be here till next week". I'd say he should hang...good times, good times. stay in school kids and GET that diploma...
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 8,389
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Posts: 8,389 |
Kudos Hobes,
Just enough lyrical change to make you slow down and think, and just enough words to give you something to think about.
dawg
Wisdom does not always accompany age. Sometimes age just shows up alone.
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 395
Serious Contributor
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OP
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 395 |
Thanks all. Those first two lines popped into my head and I knew it had to go somewhere. Along the way, I played around with saying "I know she's waiting for me/She's the one I love/She's the one I need". But for some reason I felt like "someone" was more appropriate even though I don't really like using a vague word when I could be more precise. And you're absolutely right Graham - I was thinking a trucker ballad all the way. Although more along the lines of "Willin'". Both you and Judy got caught on the "seem" and I can see where the meter might seem odd. But that's one of the beautiful things about songwriting I suppose. With music, you can stretch or hurry syllables as you need to - as long as you say what you mean. Tink - you're far too kind. There were a couple of lines in there I was a little too proud of though... Couch - Thanks for your approval. I'm all too familiar with the Hobart machine myself. I worked in many a pizza joint and the Hobart was a standard fixture for mixing dough, chopping onions and shredding big blocks of cheese. The worst part for me was cleaning the Hobart! hobes
hobes
"Every time I sit down to write a lyric, when I stand up I feel three pounds lighter" - Alan Jay Lerner
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 395
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 395 |
Hey Dawg, Yeah I think that's why I put that line in there about the brakes. Actually, I wasn't too sure about putting in those "Now and then" lines. But I think they need to be there to create that pause, movement and tension. Hmmmm... hobes
hobes
"Every time I sit down to write a lyric, when I stand up I feel three pounds lighter" - Alan Jay Lerner
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28
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Top 10 Poster
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Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28 |
Been waiting for this one all day Hobes. Saw it earlier but had no time. Those first lines just draw you in like being tied to a conveyor belt.
Not sure about the pre choruses, though I guess the ears have it. I just thought the "now and then's (or at their use in the second lines) was a bit weak.
I wanted to hear something like
Now and then I slip a gear I think "I don't want to be here" I don't want to be lonely
but that might blow your head tune.
Kudos in any event.
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
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HI Hobes, Neat Song!
Only line my mind went "WHA" on was the "Miles are DRESSED for" one....(Maybe "Miles are Graced by?")
Loved the "Brakes" Climb...
Awed by the so-called "Simplicity" here.. you must do a Lot of Haiku, Bro!
"KUDOS!"
Big Guy-Hug, Stan
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 4,528
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Posts: 4,528 |
Hi Hobart,
I have no nits; real solid stuff.
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 10,330
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Hi, Hobes! The meter felt a little off in places. If you have a melody that makes it all work, then disregard but just in case you don't have a melody yet, I put some minor suggestions in ( ). Otherwise looks vedy, vedy good to me. JeanB This old road ain't no friend of mine Though we know each other well A broken man on a broken line Goin' just as far as I can tell (How far it goes no one can tell) The miles are dressed for steel and chrome (Delete AND) the asphalt doesn't seem to care I was told all roads would lead to home But this one never leads me anywhere (But this one never takes me there.) [This message has been edited by JeanB (edited 12-07-2002).]
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,037 Likes: 1
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Good Morning Hobes This is so well done. Simple & effective. I like the twist at the end, maybe I'm a little slow, but I wasn't expecting it and was struck with the sadness of this lonely man. Nice Job Joanne
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 969
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HI Hobart, This is very well done. Reminded me of my dad, thanks. Think I'll give him a call Thanks for writing this one Trudi
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 1,997
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Hi ya Bob, Looks like homecoming. We've got Shandy AND you on the board today! Simply beautiful! My fav part: The miles are dressed for steel and chrome And the asphalt doesn't seem to care I was told all roads would lead to home But this one never leads me anywhereTake Care Ria Oh, before I forget, I'll need your snail mail address so I can send you the disk with those pics. ------------------ Ria's Song Lyrics
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 9
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
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Joined: Aug 2002
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Brilliant, nuff said, Jeannette
"Live as though you were going to die tomorrow; learn as though you will live forever." Ghandi
Jeannette
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