Very stale ink; written a few years ago, put aside, and never touched again. Wonder if it has potential and always, my appreciation in advance!

He Doesn’t Live Here
Teri Foreman-Black C2002

V1
How do I tell them, how much more can I say
The phone keeps on ringing... “Can I talk to him today?”
You’ve got the right number, mail is slipped through the door
But he doesn’t live here.... not anymore.
Friends no longer ask, just courteous calls
With innocent questions and a more awkward pause
Can I take a message... offer anything more?
Because he doesn’t live here.... not anymore

Chorus:
No, he doesn’t live here....this isn’t his home
His residence has changed... now it’s “address unknown”
He closed his heart and I’m closing the door
No, he doesn’t live here....not anymore

V2
Sometimes the kids answer; they know what to say
“No, Daddy’s not here..... he’s moved far away”
I just have to hold them, I don’t know what’s in store
Because he doesn’t live here... not anymore
His clothes are all gone and our bed now sleeps one
A lone mug on the counter, and the laundry is done
No change on the dresser, no Saturday chores
Because he doesn’t live here.... not anymore

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
Please if you see him, he left some things behind
A house full of memories, and if you don’t mind--
Mention the pieces of my heart on the floor
Now that he doesn’t live here... not anymore

Chorus:
No, he doesn’t live here....this isn’t his home
His residence has changed... now it’s “address unknown”
He closed his heart and I’m closing the door
No, he doesn’t live here.... not anymore


[This message has been edited by Teri Foreman-Black (edited 11-05-2002).]


[This message has been edited by Teri Foreman-Black (edited 11-06-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Teri Foreman-Black (edited 11-06-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Teri Foreman-Black (edited 11-07-2002).]

Wow! Teri,

This is commercial as all get out. Wonderful job, extremely well crafted.

I enjoyed reading it far too much to nit it.

Kudos and applause.

dawg

Khudos Kiddo! Fabulous bridge and chorus, very tight lyric. Only one line jarred, '
'mail is slid through the door' I think it is the word slid, but could just be me. Great job, honest emotion that will have mass appeal. Jeannette

Dawg, thanks for the read and the applause! Wasn't sure if this was commercial or not so thanks for your thoughts. Ya ain't touching the metering, eh? ::

Bear Lady! How ARE you? Thanks for the read, Jeannette! I changed "slid" to "slipped". I think that works?

Teri -

I like the fresh angle you've used about a common theme, the split up. These are the real, everyday moments after the end of the relationship, and you've used them to great effect.

I'd say they deserve some fresh, rewrite ink. Good luck with this. Linda

Howdy Teri,

Whew...this one is exceptional! I really do love this take on things. Didn't think it seemed stale one bit to me. There were only a couple of places I had to work at to get them to meter smoothly to my ear:
The phone keeps on ringing... “Can I talk to him today?” The last half of this line feels awkward to me. I think because it forces you to place the emphasis on the word "TO" in order to keep the meter there, and that isn't a natural feel.
No change on the dresser, (or/delete) briefcase on the floor
In the above line, it seemed to need to get rid of one syllable for metering purposes. I can live with it in there, but it seems to feel smoother without it. The problem there is actually that the word briefcase has the stress on the first syllable..BRIEFcase which throws off the meter. It sounds better to accentuate the CASE part of the word, but again, that isn't the natural stress for the word which makes it feel awkward.

These are very tiny and minor nits...but this one deserves perfection. As Dawg says, this is VERY commercial IMO.

Great job here.
Bobbie

In this line of the chorus..IF you are wanting to not use "address" twice, you could go with:
His RESIDENCE changed... now it’s “address unknown”
I don't think using address twice is a problem, however...but someone may.

Very nice Teri,
I've seen a similar song done with this angle (but the guy had died)
**not a national release.....no you most likely never heard it. and it's only similar enough to make me think of it. I was thinking the title was "David Doesn't Live Here Anymore" but I just looked and the title is really "The Meaning of Goodbye" so don't sweat it.

My biggest nit ..or rather just a stumble for me....... was the last line of the chorus. The "That is" sang awkwardly for me.
My first choice would be to just hold out a pause after "HERE" and then add ANYMORE.
But you could also say
"He doesn't live here.......... NOT Anymore"
Either way, but THAT IS just seemed too flip and created an extra pause that would hinder music for me.

and I wasn't exactly sure what you meant in the third line of the bridge. Was thinking at first it was a typo. But I'm thinking now, i just don't get it. "LOVE" wouldn't cut things into pieces, but LACK of LOVE might.


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Harriet

Hi Teri

Great job! It hurt me good.

My only small nit is the line in the bridge "Mention the pieces a love cut to core", which sounds awkward to my ears. It does not sound conversational, which the rest of the piece does, in a good way.

How about something like, " mention the wreckage of love on the floor" or such.

have a good one

Peter Taos NM

G'day Terri. Like it in general but the that is got to me after a while.
Regards.
Graham

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http://www.songramp.com/homepage.ez?Who=grahamhenderson

Linda, Thanks for taking a look at this and your kind words. The ink is now getting fresher! <smile>

Bobbie, I see what ya mean! I'm hoping a melody can work those kinks out because I'm not sure how to change the phrasing. I'm going to keep the first "address" in for now and see if it raises any flags; I liked the sound of the contrast in that particular line, but will always have your "residence" to fall back on!

Harriet... You appeased my paranoia so quickly! <smile> I'll have to look up "The Meaning of Goodbye"... haven't heard it but will sure to give it a listen. I did make the edits and switched to "now" as opposed to "that is"; it makes much more sense lyrically. I also tried a new line on that "love cut to core"... I hope it doesn't come off as too trite! Thank you, Harriet!

Peter, thank you for the look! Hopefully, my edits sound a bit better on that bridge; if not, I'll be resorting to the "wreckage" line which was very solid.

Graham, "that is" OUT! Thank you for a resounding vote!

Hi Teri,

At first glance, this lyric "looks" a bit long, but once I began reading I got into a real rhythm and it moved quickly. A composer told me once that if I could write a lyric that read as tightly as a Suess rhyme, it would be an easy musical fit... this one is there!

Like the change Bobbie has suggested for the address line.

Nice writing!!
Tink

Hi Tink! Glad you could stop by on this one. Yeah, it's a long one alright; never really thought of it though until ya mentioned it. Well, if it doesn't work with music under 4 minutes, I think I can do some chopping on the verses! So ya had to go and echo Bobbie, eh? <smile> Ok, Ok, I'll plop in that "residence" and see how it goes over. Thanks for taking the time with this one, Tink.... it means a lot!

HI Teri!

I'll nod along with The Crew & say "KUDOS" to a Fine Job here!

"Because he doesn't live here..Not Anymore" would be my Vote for EVERY Chorus End. Simply 'cuz it Works.

Good Luck with a Real Good'n'!
Big Hugs,
Stan

Oh my goodness...this is so good. Wonderful job...certainly is time to pull this back out. I agree... the bridge is so strong
Great job
Joanne

Hi Teri,

Dittos to all the praise you've earned!

Pre Chorus: "Hello" (with 1 bar of music)

Chorus:
No, he doesn’t live here....this isn’t his (phone)
His residence has changed... now it’s “address unknown”
(He closed) his heart and I’m closing the door
No, he doesn’t live here.... not anymore

Bridge
If you see him, tell him he left some (things) behind
A house full of memories, (and if you’d be so kind)
(Remind him of) the pieces of my heart (left) on the floor
And no, he doesn’t live here... not anymore

Nothing wrong with your lines 2 & 3 of course … but to try "remind" in place of "mention" necessitated changing the "mind" on the end of line 2.
It is a big favor to ask of the person on the phone so "if you'd be so kind" works O.K. and "remind him" suggests that she add her own support for you along with her "mention" to him.
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Terry


[This message has been edited by Tall_Terry (edited 11-06-2002).]

Hi Teri,
I'm glad you decided to post this.It's a well writen,lyric.I'd love to hear this with music!
God bless
ClaireJeanne
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/claireandrick.htm

Hi there Teri. I was very pleasantly surprised with what you've done with the title, I was expecting one of those "he doesn't LOVE here" kind of things but this "does hurt" as Peter said. You've already made a few changes and I suspect you had "address" instead of "residence" originally, which I think works. Agree with Bobbie, the "briefcase" line needs to drop a sylly - perhaps "books" on the floor or something. The last 4 lines of V1 are my favourite lines. Very nice one Terry. Cheers, Judy

Howdy Stan! Thanks for dropping in on this one! I went back and altered some of those tag lines... some worked with "Because" but a few wouldn't take it from transitioning from the prior line. Thank you... "because" sums it up a lot better.

Joanne, thanks for the look and kind words. I'll see if I can find someone to make me some music for this!

Clairejeanne, thank you for the kind comments on this. If/when it finds its music, I'll post it!

Hey Tall One! Thanks for giving me some time and edits on this! I'm going to take you up on some of those wording changes and plop them in tonite!

Judy... thank you! I dropped the "briefcase" (literally) and tried your suggestion with "books". Since I'm not hearing the metering as well as Bobbie at this point, I hope that works. I had written this for a friend 2 years ago who was going through a separation; she felt it really echoed her feelings and thoughts at the time. I guess I was able to feel it as well, because this one came quickly.

Hi Teri,

Bridge Line 3
Remind him he left pieces of my heart on the floor.


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Terry

Looks like a perfect fix!
Nice job...if a nice tune comes to mind I'll let you know.
Joanne

Terry, got them / did it! I think it reads well, eh? Thank you, Tallness!

Joanne, thanks for checking that phrase out! And puleeeeze, if you hear music, let me know!

Hi Teri,

Bridge:
Please if you see him, he left some things behind

Tell him if you see him ("please" isn't really a request)

>A house full of memories, and if you don’t mind--
>Remind him he left pieces of my heart on the floor
See how "mind" and "remind" are too close for comfort?
If you want to use, "if you don't mind" I'd suggest:
"Mention he left pieces of my heart on the floor"
Now that he doesn’t live here... not anymore
"Now that he doesn't" isn't really connected tightly enough grammatically to the: "Mention he left pieces… line

Either use your prime hook unchanged or with a prefix like
"and no" which is very conversationally common
or
"AFTER ALL he doesn't live here, not anymore." (conversationally "immediate" as well)

CHORUS?
No he doesn't live here, this is my private phone.

Don't want to wear out the fact that he doesn't live there if you can help it…
and "phone" rhymes truer with"unknown".

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Terry

[This message has been edited by Tall_Terry (edited 11-06-2002).]

Hey Teri... it would be my pleasure. I'll put my music muse to work. Will look for the finished product. if something good comes up... I will certainly let you know.
Joanne

Ok, Terry, I fixed that mind/remind/mention line; thanks for pointing that out! I was in a vaccuum. I think that the ending bridge line "now that" still works for me. I feel I need to stick with "address unknown"; it fits more in with the visuals around the person not being IN the home anymore and I can imagine saying that rather than "private phone" which is, admittedly, a great rhyme.

I'm wishing you luck, Joanne! Muse away! I think the major nits are done with this one... A huge thanks to ALL!

Hi Teri,

By all means keep "address unknown"!!!!
…and Bobbie's input made it even stronger!
I'm only playing around with the tail end of LINE #1.

Given he ain't livin' here, not anymore :—)

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Terry



[This message has been edited by Tall_Terry (edited 11-06-2002).]

Teri,

this is really good....
and hope to hear it with music....

Best Wishes..
Kaley

like the easy conversational style you have going.....

Thank you, Kaley, for looking in and your kind comments. (I was just about to put this one to bed and saw it got bumped!) It's looking for music and hopefully, we'll partner it up soon.