Who's Online Now
16 registered members (CTthomas, Brian Austin Whitney, couchgrouch, 9ne, Gavin Sinclair, Gary E. Andrews, Everett Adams, iceberg, Guy E. Trepanier, 2 invisible), and 144 guests, and
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Shout Box
Member Spotlight
The dman
The dman
Illinois
Posts: 52
Joined: April 2008
Show All Member Profiles 
What's Going On
The Best Part of Me
by Kay-lynn Carew. 01/16/21 09:14 PM
Strawberries
by Gavin Sinclair. 01/16/21 07:28 PM
Stairway guitar solo experiment
by niteshift. 01/16/21 05:43 PM
Doing it for nothing. Vic
by Vicarn. 01/16/21 02:59 PM
Love like that
by lane1777. 01/16/21 01:10 PM
Letters
by ckiphen. 01/16/21 10:20 AM
TRY INSIDE OF YOU. Deej & Travis
by ckiphen. 01/16/21 10:19 AM
House Ghost?
by Everett Adams. 01/16/21 08:16 AM
It Is Done
by VNORTH2. 01/15/21 06:20 PM
Monterey
by VNORTH2. 01/15/21 06:05 PM
Who I Am
by lane1777. 01/15/21 05:31 PM
Dancing Horses
by Gavin Sinclair. 01/15/21 04:25 PM
Carousel
by lane1777. 01/15/21 02:07 PM
Money Motive? Richest Songwriters Of All Time
by Fdemetrio. 01/15/21 01:09 PM
Atonal music Anyone?
by John Lawrence Schick. 01/15/21 10:06 AM
Spring Cleaning...
by JAPOV. 01/14/21 10:00 PM
If this song came on the radio
by Stefan des Lauriers. 01/14/21 04:50 PM
Rules of the game [deleted]
by lane1777. 01/14/21 11:54 AM
"Memphis Bound" Crystal Taylor Kitchen Party
by Gary E. Andrews. 01/14/21 10:26 AM
Nova Scotia Kitchen Party "Memphis Bound"
by Gary E. Andrews. 01/14/21 10:23 AM
I'm Here To Tell You
by VNORTH2. 01/14/21 09:36 AM
IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB)
by Travis david. 01/13/21 11:37 PM
Things That Never Can Be
by Songbird52. 01/13/21 11:36 PM
The Ditty Bop Bar-n-Grill
by Travis david. 01/13/21 11:35 PM
And
by Travis david. 01/13/21 11:31 PM
Another Covid Day
by Travis david. 01/13/21 11:26 PM
Stars
by Travis david. 01/13/21 11:14 PM
Mila Azul & HiJack Threat Maker Identity
by WilliamMahler. 01/13/21 06:55 PM
Be Cool
by couchgrouch. 01/13/21 06:29 PM
SLIDE IT IN
by R&M. 01/13/21 01:48 AM
Top Posters(All Time)
Calvin 19,839
Travis david 12,055
Kevin Emmrich 10,938
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,649
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 8,931
glynda 8,679
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
couchgrouch 7,935
Colin Ward 7,909
Corey 7,357
Vicarn 6,715
Mark Kaufman 6,588
Wyman Lloyd 6,578
ben willis 6,108
Lynn Orloff 5,788
niteshift 5,757
Louis 5,725
Linda Sings 5,608
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Neil Cotton 4,909
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,666
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,389
Roy Cooper 4,260
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Tom Shea 4,179
Cindy Miller 4,178
TamsNumber4 4,130
nightengale 4,096
MFB III 3,928
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,816
Dan Sullivan 3,710
beechnut79 3,682
E Swartz 3,622
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Fdemetrio 3,047
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
PopTodd 2,890
Harriet Ames 2,870
Nigel Quin 2,865
Sunset Poet 2,773
MidniteBob 2,760
Nelson 2,608
Tom Tracy 2,558
Polly Hager 2,526
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,242
Judy Hollier 2,232
Wendy D 2,225
Erica Ellis 2,202
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,027
maccharles 1,999
DukeWill 1,988
floyd jane 1,985
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,652
Noel Downs 1,633
Rick Heenan 1,608
Cal 1,574
Jack Swain 1,554
GocartMoz 1,552
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,473
Tom Franz 1,473
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Rick Norton 1,429
Kenneth Cade 1,429
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,408
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Deej56 1,372
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,292
DakLander 1,265
Gerry 1,255
PeteG 1,242
Ian Ferrin 1,235
lane1777 1,218
Glen King 1,214
IdeaGuy 1,209
AaronAuthier 1,177
summeoyo 1,172
Diane Ewing 1,158
joro 1,082
BobbyJoe 1,075
IronKnee 1,053
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
Tony A 1,016
9ne 1,004
argo 986
peaden 984
90 dB 964
Wolvman 960
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
JAPOV 831
Nadia 829
Juan 797
TKO 784
Dayson 781
frahmes 781
ant 772
teletwang 762
Andy K 747
tbryson 737
Andy Kemp 734
Jackie444 731
3daveyO3 704
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Knute 686
Irwin 681
Lee Arten 678
Moosesong 667
Pat Hardy 665
Katziis 652
ckiphen 650
R.T.MOORE 638
quality 637
CG King 622
douglas 621
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Shandy 589
Ria 587
R&M 585
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
BB Wilbur 512
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
Rob L 426
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Cecilee 379
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
spidey 371
sweetsong 370
danny 367
Jim Ryan 360
Alek 358
papaG 353
Z - man 350
JamesDF5 348
John K 348
Jaden 344
ddreuter 341
TheBaz 340
Steggy 339
leif 339
tonedeaf 336
rickwork 334
Eddie Ray 332
Johnboy 328
Bob Lever 328
Helicon1 327
lucian 326
Muskie 321
kc 319
Z. Mulls 318
ptondreau 313
ONOFFON 312
Chris B. 310
trush 304
ed323 297
Ellen M 294
markus-ky 292
lizzorn 291
nicnac49 290
pomeranj 289
Char 286
ktunes 285
mastrose 280
pammie 279
pd 277
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate This Thread
#292347 - 11/05/02 09:08 AM He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Teri Foreman-Black Offline
Serious Contributor
Teri Foreman-Black  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Royersford, PA USA
Very stale ink; written a few years ago, put aside, and never touched again. Wonder if it has potential and always, my appreciation in advance!

He Doesn’t Live Here
Teri Foreman-Black C2002

V1
How do I tell them, how much more can I say
The phone keeps on ringing... “Can I talk to him today?”
You’ve got the right number, mail is slipped through the door
But he doesn’t live here.... not anymore.
Friends no longer ask, just courteous calls
With innocent questions and a more awkward pause
Can I take a message... offer anything more?
Because he doesn’t live here.... not anymore

Chorus:
No, he doesn’t live here....this isn’t his home
His residence has changed... now it’s “address unknown”
He closed his heart and I’m closing the door
No, he doesn’t live here....not anymore

V2
Sometimes the kids answer; they know what to say
“No, Daddy’s not here..... he’s moved far away”
I just have to hold them, I don’t know what’s in store
Because he doesn’t live here... not anymore
His clothes are all gone and our bed now sleeps one
A lone mug on the counter, and the laundry is done
No change on the dresser, no Saturday chores
Because he doesn’t live here.... not anymore

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
Please if you see him, he left some things behind
A house full of memories, and if you don’t mind--
Mention the pieces of my heart on the floor
Now that he doesn’t live here... not anymore

Chorus:
No, he doesn’t live here....this isn’t his home
His residence has changed... now it’s “address unknown”
He closed his heart and I’m closing the door
No, he doesn’t live here.... not anymore


[This message has been edited by Teri Foreman-Black (edited 11-05-2002).]


[This message has been edited by Teri Foreman-Black (edited 11-06-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Teri Foreman-Black (edited 11-06-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Teri Foreman-Black (edited 11-07-2002).]

#292348 - 11/05/02 10:02 AM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 8,389
Corky Bernard (D) Offline
Top 100 Poster
Corky Bernard (D)  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 8,389
Nashville, Tn.
Wow! Teri,

This is commercial as all get out. Wonderful job, extremely well crafted.

I enjoyed reading it far too much to nit it.

Kudos and applause.

dawg


Wisdom does not always accompany age. Sometimes
age just shows up alone.
#292349 - 11/05/02 10:33 AM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,014
Jeannette Desnoyers Offline
Top 100 Poster
Jeannette Desnoyers  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,014
Cranbrook, BC, Canada
Khudos Kiddo! Fabulous bridge and chorus, very tight lyric. Only one line jarred, '
'mail is slid through the door' I think it is the word slid, but could just be me. Great job, honest emotion that will have mass appeal. Jeannette


"Live as though you were going to die tomorrow; learn as though you will live forever." Ghandi

Jeannette
#292350 - 11/05/02 10:39 AM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Teri Foreman-Black Offline
Serious Contributor
Teri Foreman-Black  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Royersford, PA USA
Dawg, thanks for the read and the applause! Wasn't sure if this was commercial or not so thanks for your thoughts. Ya ain't touching the metering, eh? :smile:

Bear Lady! How ARE you? Thanks for the read, Jeannette! I changed "slid" to "slipped". I think that works?

#292351 - 11/05/02 10:43 AM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 370
sweetsong Offline
Serious Contributor
sweetsong  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 370
NYC, NY
Teri -

I like the fresh angle you've used about a common theme, the split up. These are the real, everyday moments after the end of the relationship, and you've used them to great effect.

I'd say they deserve some fresh, rewrite ink. Good luck with this. Linda

#292352 - 11/05/02 02:51 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 11,806
Bobbie Gallup (D) Offline
Top 10 Poster
Bobbie Gallup (D)  Offline
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 11,806
Nashville, TN, USA
Howdy Teri,

Whew...this one is exceptional! I really do love this take on things. Didn't think it seemed stale one bit to me. There were only a couple of places I had to work at to get them to meter smoothly to my ear:
The phone keeps on ringing... “Can I talk to him today?” The last half of this line feels awkward to me. I think because it forces you to place the emphasis on the word "TO" in order to keep the meter there, and that isn't a natural feel.
No change on the dresser, (or/delete) briefcase on the floor
In the above line, it seemed to need to get rid of one syllable for metering purposes. I can live with it in there, but it seems to feel smoother without it. The problem there is actually that the word briefcase has the stress on the first syllable..BRIEFcase which throws off the meter. It sounds better to accentuate the CASE part of the word, but again, that isn't the natural stress for the word which makes it feel awkward.

These are very tiny and minor nits...but this one deserves perfection. As Dawg says, this is VERY commercial IMO.

Great job here.
Bobbie

In this line of the chorus..IF you are wanting to not use "address" twice, you could go with:
His RESIDENCE changed... now it’s “address unknown”
I don't think using address twice is a problem, however...but someone may. [Linked Image]


They'll tell you success in the music biz is all about who you know...but the truth is...it's about who knows you.

Gallup 'n Dawg Music
#292353 - 11/05/02 03:24 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,870
Harriet Ames Offline
Top 100 Poster
Harriet Ames  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,870
Shelton, WA
Very nice Teri,
I've seen a similar song done with this angle (but the guy had died)
**not a national release.....no you most likely never heard it. and it's only similar enough to make me think of it. I was thinking the title was "David Doesn't Live Here Anymore" but I just looked and the title is really "The Meaning of Goodbye" so don't sweat it.

My biggest nit ..or rather just a stumble for me....... was the last line of the chorus. The "That is" sang awkwardly for me.
My first choice would be to just hold out a pause after "HERE" and then add ANYMORE.
But you could also say
"He doesn't live here.......... NOT Anymore"
Either way, but THAT IS just seemed too flip and created an extra pause that would hinder music for me.

and I wasn't exactly sure what you meant in the third line of the bridge. Was thinking at first it was a typo. But I'm thinking now, i just don't get it. "LOVE" wouldn't cut things into pieces, but LACK of LOVE might.


------------------
Harriet

#292354 - 11/05/02 03:27 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 180
eyesound Offline
Serious Contributor
eyesound  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 180
NM
Hi Teri

Great job! It hurt me good.

My only small nit is the line in the bridge "Mention the pieces a love cut to core", which sounds awkward to my ears. It does not sound conversational, which the rest of the piece does, in a good way.

How about something like, " mention the wreckage of love on the floor" or such.

have a good one

Peter Taos NM

#292355 - 11/05/02 05:06 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
Graham Henderson (D) Offline
Graham Henderson (D)  Offline

Top 10 Poster

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
Esperance. West Australia
G'day Terri. Like it in general but the that is got to me after a while.
Regards.
Graham

------------------
http://www.songramp.com/homepage.ez?Who=grahamhenderson

#292356 - 11/05/02 05:30 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Teri Foreman-Black Offline
Serious Contributor
Teri Foreman-Black  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Royersford, PA USA
Linda, Thanks for taking a look at this and your kind words. The ink is now getting fresher! <smile>

Bobbie, I see what ya mean! I'm hoping a melody can work those kinks out because I'm not sure how to change the phrasing. I'm going to keep the first "address" in for now and see if it raises any flags; I liked the sound of the contrast in that particular line, but will always have your "residence" to fall back on!

Harriet... You appeased my paranoia so quickly! <smile> I'll have to look up "The Meaning of Goodbye"... haven't heard it but will sure to give it a listen. I did make the edits and switched to "now" as opposed to "that is"; it makes much more sense lyrically. I also tried a new line on that "love cut to core"... I hope it doesn't come off as too trite! Thank you, Harriet!

Peter, thank you for the look! Hopefully, my edits sound a bit better on that bridge; if not, I'll be resorting to the "wreckage" line which was very solid.

Graham, "that is" OUT! Thank you for a resounding vote!

#292357 - 11/05/02 05:35 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 4,178
Cindy Miller Offline
Top 100 Poster
Cindy Miller  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 4,178
Harlan, Iowa U.S.A.
Hi Teri,

At first glance, this lyric "looks" a bit long, but once I began reading I got into a real rhythm and it moved quickly. A composer told me once that if I could write a lyric that read as tightly as a Suess rhyme, it would be an easy musical fit... this one is there!

Like the change Bobbie has suggested for the address line.

Nice writing!!
[Linked Image] Tink


The Artist formerly known as TINK ;\)

I write so I can breathe...

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=29337
#292358 - 11/05/02 05:43 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Teri Foreman-Black Offline
Serious Contributor
Teri Foreman-Black  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Royersford, PA USA
Hi Tink! Glad you could stop by on this one. Yeah, it's a long one alright; never really thought of it though until ya mentioned it. Well, if it doesn't work with music under 4 minutes, I think I can do some chopping on the verses! So ya had to go and echo Bobbie, eh? <smile> Ok, Ok, I'll plop in that "residence" and see how it goes over. Thanks for taking the time with this one, Tink.... it means a lot!

#292359 - 11/05/02 09:34 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
Top 10 Poster
"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Tampa, Florida since 1973
HI Teri!

I'll nod along with The Crew & say "KUDOS" to a Fine Job here!

"Because he doesn't live here..Not Anymore" would be my Vote for EVERY Chorus End. Simply 'cuz it Works.

Good Luck with a Real Good'n'!
Big Hugs,
Stan

#292360 - 11/05/02 10:31 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,031
Joanne Lurgio Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joanne Lurgio  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,031
RI, USA
Oh my goodness...this is so good. Wonderful job...certainly is time to pull this back out. I agree... the bridge is so strong
Great job
Joanne

#292361 - 11/05/02 11:55 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Terry G Offline
Top 100 Poster
Terry G  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Salt Spring Island, B.C.
Hi Teri,

Dittos to all the praise you've earned!

Pre Chorus: "Hello" (with 1 bar of music)

Chorus:
No, he doesn’t live here....this isn’t his (phone)
His residence has changed... now it’s “address unknown”
(He closed) his heart and I’m closing the door
No, he doesn’t live here.... not anymore

Bridge
If you see him, tell him he left some (things) behind
A house full of memories, (and if you’d be so kind)
(Remind him of) the pieces of my heart (left) on the floor
And no, he doesn’t live here... not anymore

Nothing wrong with your lines 2 & 3 of course … but to try "remind" in place of "mention" necessitated changing the "mind" on the end of line 2.
It is a big favor to ask of the person on the phone so "if you'd be so kind" works O.K. and "remind him" suggests that she add her own support for you along with her "mention" to him.
------------------
Terry


[This message has been edited by Tall_Terry (edited 11-06-2002).]

#292362 - 11/06/02 12:16 AM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,851
Clairejeanne Offline
Top 100 Poster
Clairejeanne  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,851
USA
Hi Teri,
I'm glad you decided to post this.It's a well writen,lyric.I'd love to hear this with music!
God bless
ClaireJeanne
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/claireandrick.htm

#292363 - 11/06/02 04:01 AM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,232
Judy Hollier Offline
Top 200 Poster
Judy Hollier  Offline
Top 200 Poster

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,232
Sydney, Australia
Hi there Teri. I was very pleasantly surprised with what you've done with the title, I was expecting one of those "he doesn't LOVE here" kind of things but this "does hurt" as Peter said. You've already made a few changes and I suspect you had "address" instead of "residence" originally, which I think works. Agree with Bobbie, the "briefcase" line needs to drop a sylly - perhaps "books" on the floor or something. The last 4 lines of V1 are my favourite lines. Very nice one Terry. Cheers, Judy

#292364 - 11/06/02 10:48 AM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Teri Foreman-Black Offline
Serious Contributor
Teri Foreman-Black  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Royersford, PA USA
Howdy Stan! Thanks for dropping in on this one! I went back and altered some of those tag lines... some worked with "Because" but a few wouldn't take it from transitioning from the prior line. Thank you... "because" sums it up a lot better.

Joanne, thanks for the look and kind words. I'll see if I can find someone to make me some music for this!

Clairejeanne, thank you for the kind comments on this. If/when it finds its music, I'll post it!

Hey Tall One! Thanks for giving me some time and edits on this! I'm going to take you up on some of those wording changes and plop them in tonite!

Judy... thank you! I dropped the "briefcase" (literally) and tried your suggestion with "books". Since I'm not hearing the metering as well as Bobbie at this point, I hope that works. I had written this for a friend 2 years ago who was going through a separation; she felt it really echoed her feelings and thoughts at the time. I guess I was able to feel it as well, because this one came quickly.

#292365 - 11/06/02 01:45 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Terry G Offline
Top 100 Poster
Terry G  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Salt Spring Island, B.C.
Hi Teri,

Bridge Line 3
Remind him he left pieces of my heart on the floor.


------------------
Terry

#292366 - 11/06/02 01:51 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,031
Joanne Lurgio Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joanne Lurgio  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,031
RI, USA
Looks like a perfect fix!
Nice job...if a nice tune comes to mind I'll let you know.
Joanne

#292367 - 11/06/02 02:53 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Teri Foreman-Black Offline
Serious Contributor
Teri Foreman-Black  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Royersford, PA USA
Terry, got them / did it! I think it reads well, eh? Thank you, Tallness!

Joanne, thanks for checking that phrase out! And puleeeeze, if you hear music, let me know!

#292368 - 11/06/02 03:30 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Terry G Offline
Top 100 Poster
Terry G  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Salt Spring Island, B.C.
Hi Teri,

Bridge:
Please if you see him, he left some things behind

Tell him if you see him ("please" isn't really a request)

>A house full of memories, and if you don’t mind--
>Remind him he left pieces of my heart on the floor
See how "mind" and "remind" are too close for comfort?
If you want to use, "if you don't mind" I'd suggest:
"Mention he left pieces of my heart on the floor"
Now that he doesn’t live here... not anymore
"Now that he doesn't" isn't really connected tightly enough grammatically to the: "Mention he left pieces… line

Either use your prime hook unchanged or with a prefix like
"and no" which is very conversationally common
or
"AFTER ALL he doesn't live here, not anymore." (conversationally "immediate" as well)

CHORUS?
No he doesn't live here, this is my private phone.

Don't want to wear out the fact that he doesn't live there if you can help it…
and "phone" rhymes truer with"unknown".

------------------
Terry

[This message has been edited by Tall_Terry (edited 11-06-2002).]

#292369 - 11/06/02 03:36 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,031
Joanne Lurgio Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joanne Lurgio  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,031
RI, USA
Hey Teri... it would be my pleasure. I'll put my music muse to work. Will look for the finished product. if something good comes up... I will certainly let you know.
Joanne

#292370 - 11/06/02 03:45 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Teri Foreman-Black Offline
Serious Contributor
Teri Foreman-Black  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Royersford, PA USA
Ok, Terry, I fixed that mind/remind/mention line; thanks for pointing that out! I was in a vaccuum. I think that the ending bridge line "now that" still works for me. I feel I need to stick with "address unknown"; it fits more in with the visuals around the person not being IN the home anymore and I can imagine saying that rather than "private phone" which is, admittedly, a great rhyme.

I'm wishing you luck, Joanne! Muse away! I think the major nits are done with this one... A huge thanks to ALL!

#292371 - 11/06/02 03:59 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Terry G Offline
Top 100 Poster
Terry G  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Salt Spring Island, B.C.
Hi Teri,

By all means keep "address unknown"!!!!
…and Bobbie's input made it even stronger!
I'm only playing around with the tail end of LINE #1.

Given he ain't livin' here, not anymore :—)

------------------
Terry



[This message has been edited by Tall_Terry (edited 11-06-2002).]

#292372 - 11/07/02 11:48 PM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Kaley Willow Offline
Kaley Willow  Offline

Top 10 Poster

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
PA
Teri,

this is really good....
and hope to hear it with music....

Best Wishes..
Kaley [Linked Image]

like the easy conversational style you have going.....

#292373 - 11/08/02 08:35 AM Re: He Doesn't Live Here  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Teri Foreman-Black Offline
Serious Contributor
Teri Foreman-Black  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 313
Royersford, PA USA
Thank you, Kaley, for looking in and your kind comments. (I was just about to put this one to bed and saw it got bumped!) It's looking for music and hopefully, we'll partner it up soon.


Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Newest Members
Bluecat, Teresa_Aguilar, MarleneL, Calcoic, JAlan
21311 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums116
Topics121,258
Posts1,140,900
Members21,311
Average Posts Daily26
Most Online37,523
Jan 25th, 2020
Just Plain Quotes
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
Commissary (35)
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.0