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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 41
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 41 |
Hi Maye, Kaley everyone, Thanks for the suggestions. It was a real “Mind Shift” to phrase my thoughts on one line at a time. You were diffidently right! Thanks for taking the time to review the re-write of my song.
See Yourself In My Eyes © 2001 Kevin D. Nevel V1 You felt real special, Thought you had the right. But your untrue love, Ended the magic one night. V2 I know you’re sad, And wonderin’ what to do. I feel so unhappy, And sorry that you’re blue. Chorus: See yourself in my eyes, Where love’s beauty shines. See yourself in my eyes, Please say you’ll be mine. V3 It’s time to gather, Your sad broken dreams. I’ll heal your heart, Using love as the means. V4 My love’s reflection Is mirrored in your face. It flows from me, To fill your empty space. Chorus: See yourself in my eyes, Where love’s beauty shines. See yourself in my eyes, Please say you’ll be mine. Bridge: My open arms, Can replace your loss. Take my heart, For you there’s no cost. Chorus: See yourself in my eyes, Where love’s beauty shines. See yourself in my eyes, Please say you’ll be mine. Tag: See yourself in my eyes, Knowing I love you. Let me see myself, As your love shines through.
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,430
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,430 |
This works okay as a simple love song, but didn't really bowl me over. At first, I thought her "untrue love" referred to her cheating on the singer, but I guess that refers to some old boyfriend cheating on her. The chorus is too simple and should say more about the woman and her situation. You need to make the rhyme scheme in the verses different than in the chorus, and the "cost" and "means" lines sound forced there to make a rhyme. Also, as a rule of thumb, I never use "blue" to describe a feeling of sadness. After all, does anyone use the word that way in conversation??? Rarely.
Just some quick suggestions for ya. Good luck with this one!
Anthony
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