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Joined: Dec 2000
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country... Life's In the Doing Kim still blames her horoscope that her first love was lost now she just watches soaps while eating Haagen Daas she thinks, "why bother to try things can't be what they were" so she sees her days go by and none of them come to her 'cause life's in the doing being out there, being driven it's fighting and renewing with chances we've been given no...don't look down, don't wait around 'cause life's in the doing John's on his loveseat alone watching game after game though to neighbors, he's unknown he knows ev'ry player's name he rents stacks of videos orders pizza on payday life don't go on, it just goes and it's not going John's way 'cause life's in the doing being out there, being driven it's fighting and renewing with chances we've been given no...don't look down, don't wait around 'cause life's in the doing though some people try to win John and Kim just stay afloat and until their ship comes in they're in the same boat they pass each other in local Safeway aisles someday they'll see life again when they look up and smile 'cause life's in the doing being out there, being driven it's fighting and renewing with chances we've been given no...don't look down, don't wait around 'cause life's in the doing (c)2002 Robert George ------------------ [This message has been edited by couchgrouch (edited 04-29-2002).] [This message has been edited by couchgrouch (edited 04-29-2002).]
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
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That Life don't go on, it just goes, is a classic Cooch. Pity the inverted to get a rhyme second line makes it read that her boyfriend has lost something. That throws the whole "I can believe this" thing out the window. I'd build a whole song around that one line. Graham ------------------ http://artists3.iuma.com/IUMA/Bands/Graham_Henderson/
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Joined: Dec 2000
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i wondered about that line, too. it was originally "her every loss", but I wanted to be specific. could change it back, i suppose.
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Joined: May 2001
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For ev'ry down and loss, works for me Cooch. And singing the first line swapping always for the still went better phoneticaly and logic wise better. Regards Graham ------------------ http://artists3.iuma.com/IUMA/Bands/Graham_Henderson/
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Joined: Dec 2000
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well, I was gonna go with "pain n loss" but i went with what I did above. it seemed like six of one...I hate when that happens. thanks for the suggestion! ------------------
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Joined: May 2001
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Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 350
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Grouch,
Not only good, but commercial! (In fact, IMHO, this is one of the MOST commercial efforts I've ever seen around these parts)
The phrasing/meter in many parts makes me stumble a bit. (if you have music already, and it fits, then disregard this nit)
Here's a rewrite on just the first verse to give an example of what seems smoother to me...(also I didn't quite get the "none of them come to her" so here's another idea)...
Kim still blames her horoscope For true love that was lost She fills the gap with "t.v. soaps" And pints of "Haagen Daas" She thinks, "Why bother tryin'- Things can't be what they were She sees her days go slippin' by And none belong to her
Chris
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Joined: Dec 2000
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thanks for the ideas there, Z-Man. I think I kinda have this where I want it for now. at least till some co-writer tells me otherwise, haha. ------------------
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Joined: Feb 2001
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Rob,
This song reflects true life a lot more than a lot of people might realize.
Yeah, hate that 6 of one...half dozen of another thing. I have 2 of them right now.
Looks good.
Alan
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Joined: Feb 2002
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Enjoyed the ready, Couch! Have to agree with Chris about the meter, and his suggestion for v1 did have a little better flow, but if you have it where you want it, I guess that is a moot point. It is sad that this is a pretty good picture of a lot of people's lives, but your chorus does give them a "kick in the butt". Like the message. ------------------ Mary Lou
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Joined: Jan 2001
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Rob! Couldn't help myself again. "9" replies got to me. Pretty much to life story here...commercial?... probably...meterwise will need some work but hopefully not change the essence of any one line. Dang it! Wish I had more time...I'm snowed under now...may go ahead and print this one, for later but if you get a composer go ahead...I'll ask about it before I start work on it. OK?
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Joined: Dec 2000
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be my guest, Sharon...you're more than welcome. also see if you like an "is" in the title. Life is in the doing. I had a lotta different ways I could've gone on some of the lines. we can iron 'em out if you decide to do it. ------------------
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Joined: Mar 2001
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Hi Couch, I like Z-Mans suggestion. It makes it a little smoother. You hit two names that are very prominent in my life right now. Startled me when I read it. My daughters name is Kim and she found John. I wish she hadn't. Great song. Lee [This message has been edited by Lee Smith (edited 05-01-2002).]
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Joined: Dec 2000
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thanks Lee. sorry about your daughter. this world is full of bad guys, no doubt. I appreciated Z's ideas but i wouldn't say tv soaps, it's kind of redundant and his lines later in the vs mess up my rhyme scheme. and "true love that was lost" feels too elegant sandwiched between lines about soaps n horoscopes. that's just how they feel to me, if that makes sense. it's really hard to phrase lines just right without knowing how the music's gonna lay. ------------------
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HEY! I'm sorry if somebody's found a JOHN who should have been kept lost...but now I've got to stand up for the other John's out there. I married a marvelous one, lived with him 25 yrs. and wouldn't trade a moment of it for another guy like Tom or Bill or Phil or whoever....Sorry that a Kim has to be on the down side of life, too...but this song is just to real to let go... Now Rob, I'll think about that "is"...at present it seems more appropriate to say "Life is in the doing" but then it may interfere with meter, stress, interpretation of other lines....I'll leave it alone as much as possible...I checked the meter and most lines are off only one...One can be covered, but not very well if it continues to reoccur... so it's basically of probably dropping a simple single syllable word or coming up with a different word that means the same thing with less or more(whatever is needed)...so it isn't or shouldn't change the tone or meaning of the line or song either. But as I said...this is down the list, yet.
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Joined: Jan 2001
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Rob after printing this off and looking it over, I change my mind on the It's vs. the It is...simply because you have subject with verbal contractions otherwise in the chorus also, as well as the verses. It just "sings" better in my opinion to keep the song consistent as possible (if meter will let you) keep the contractions constant or not at all. Being countryesque, contractions are likely to be expected more than "proper" conjugations. JMHOP
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Joined: Dec 2000
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Love the lesson in the title Couch and you've penned a beauty here.
One minor tweak for you. Last line v1 change "and" to "but" to reinforce the " but none of them come to her 'cause life's in the doing"
Don't know about "though to neighbors, he's unknown" in V2. I mean it works as an image that's somehow pityful and abnormal, but I'm not sure this one does it for the lyric. Don't know what to replace it with though. Rest of that verse is a gem.
The last verse was somehow less than their individual situations.
For one, I'd like to see that ship thing seem less cliche and say more. Waiting for your ship to come in is too dependant on chance. Maybe change "and until their ship comes in" to "until they send their ships out". This would also work well with "they're (they'll be??) in the same boat".
I guess the part that bothered me most about the lyric was the last part, especially after two really solid ones. I think you are trying to present a mundane slice of life, in keeping with "life passing you by", but also presenting hope for more, when you smile.
But I think you need to re inforce your life's in the doing theme here. Maybe this "rule of nature's" affect on the couple? You mention a co writer. Maybe run that by him\her too
Oh and lower case is definitely where its at.
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
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