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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 184
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OP
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 184 |
http://www.soundclick.com/pro/default.cfm?bandid=165154&songid=2546878&content=song Didn't realize I was so easily deceived My trusting heart made me your prey What a web of lies you decided to weave Just to have your own way Chorus: Tell me one more sweet lie make a promise you'll never keep lead me on again; like you did then Tell me one more sweet lie, tell me one more sweet lie Verse Two: Can't hurt me more than you already have broken dreams left behind seem brand new Time mended the heart you ripped apart I don't expect truth from you Repeat Chorus Bridge: Somewhere in my heart I knew it all along That you would never be true even though I know that this all wrong here I am again asking you ------------------ Reni Kay www.soundclick.com/renikay [This message has been edited by Renikay (edited 06-18-2005).]
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 2,891 Likes: 6
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Hi Reni This is so close to being brilliant! I love the chorus, it sounds like a forgotten standard from way back when. I think with a more pro backing and a slightly tighter vocal performance this is a winner. Very nice song Nigel
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Joined: May 2005
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Joined: May 2005
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Thanks Nigel, Listening to it this morning myself, I heard all the 'clinkers' in the vocals, and will be trying to tighten it up, and your comments encourage me to continue working on it. thanks for your input, it is appreciated! ------------------ Reni Kay www.soundclick.com/renikay ReniKay@comcast.net
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Hi Reni Kay, Well, not exactly my thing but you asked for it so I'll tell you what I think. First off, it's quite good IMO. Even "commercial" possibilities , which is generally the direction I think in. I can't fault the lyrics as far as meaning , etc. Main thing is, to me anyway, the verses don't quite sing to the same melody. In line one, you lead off with "I", tho' it's not on the lyric sheet and throws it off. First line --v's 1 and 2--"Easily and "already" sing together all right but then you have "deceived" and "have" which don't fit so good. Then besides,"deceived" and weave are a pretty good vowel rhyme where there is none in v-2.To me, you need a one syl. word at the end of line 1-V 1. Possibility of 'fooled" , tho you lose the internal rhyme in line 1 2nd line---V 1 and 2---Trust" in 2nd line --V 1 is generally accented but then you'd have to accent the "en" in broken, which is not normally accented. To match up, seems like "trusting" would need to be the first word . Poss---"Trusting you made me easy prey" tho' the meaning isn't quite as good. Last line--V 2--"truth" is being stressed and held. Seems to me "pect" in expect should be stressed and/or held. OK--Just the way I near it for what it's worth. Still a good song Wy
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 184
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Wyman, Excellent suggestions, and right where I was hearing something outta whack. The first verse is TOO wordy, and I was thinking I need to chop it to say: I was so easy to deceive A trusting heart made me your prey The web of lies you decided to weave Was Just to have your own way An absolutely the accent should be on expect, and I think that is just the 'rendering' of the vocal I need to change. Great suggestions, I'll work on them! Thanks! ------------------ Reni Kay As Al Jolson sang so many years ago, "if my song can make you smile, laugh, cry, I'm happy!" www.soundclick.com/renikay ReniKay@comcast.net
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