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#241719 - 06/04/05 04:35 PM I'd Drop It  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
maggie might Offline
Casual Observer
maggie might  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
USA
I took this to a recent NSAI meeting and the group really liked the melody and vocals, but the lyric needs work and I'm not sure how to make it better and I feel really good about it and don't want to give up on it. Any help would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Marge

www.soundclick.com/margemckinnis
i'd drop it

vs1
i'd drop it if i were you
i'd lose it if you did too
'cause i'd love you til you turned blue
yea i'd drop it if i were you

vs2
i'd pick up where you left off
i'd do it and wouldn't stop
'cause i love how you turn me on
so i'd pick up where you left off

bridge
you intimidate me
you're my medication
and this speculation is real
i'm a lucky lady when you call me baby
but i know how i can fail

vs3
i'd get out while you still can
you're pick up is still out back
'cause i love you don't you understand
better get out while you still can

repeat bridge
you intimidate me
you're my medication
and this speculation is real
i'm a lucky lady when you call me baby
but i know how i can fail

repeat vs1
i'd drop it if i were you
i'd lose it if you did too
'cause i'd love you til you turned blue
yea i'd drop it if i were you

2005 Marge McKinnis/L J Montgomery/Irene Jackson (BMI)

#241720 - 06/05/05 06:28 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 7,997
Mike Caro Substudio Offline
Mike Caro Substudio  Offline


Top 20 Poster

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 7,997
NY
Hi Marge,

I loved the melody and vocal over this section of the chorus especially-
"you're my medication
and this speculation is real"

I am no help to myself whatsoever but have had success helping others. I don't know what your goals are and if this is a band. Are you shopping as a songwriter or artist or both? Knowing that can help others help you. We could get into ya know try "Situation in place of medication and so on... all of that is important and should get attention. Are you trying to pitch material? Or an artist? Selling music is like a game, a real hard one at that. Different rules for different players. By now you probably think I'm nuts and some folks take offense at first to my views and methods but I study the game of music full time.

As I hear the song now it has a lot of style. That's cool! I think it needs a lyric re-write the normal constructive critisisms would be the lyrics are not substantial enough. The picture or message is not clear enough. The chorus can't payoff as well without support from the verses. All this especially if your trying to sell the song.

If your selling the artist here, different rules. Yeah everyone will tell you a good song is a good song whether your the artist or a songwriter it doesn't matter always make the song as strong as possible etc... all the lyrics are important, all aspects of your craft should be perfect blah blah.... There are no rules in music.. All of this is true but depends on what you do. There are certain kinda guide lines going on to observe. You need to find your angle and selling strengths.

One example Norah Jones is a style artist, her substance is in her voice, productions,musicians, vibe and feel.
Most of her lyrics when you just read them are nothing to special. Some are outright senseless and go against all the rules we mentioned above. Yet she is a grammy winner. See my point? Get back to me if you don't think I'm nuts and let me know what your up to with your career?

Sometimes when I read my own posts I understand why people don't always respond to me. [Linked Image]

If it helps to know I produced this guy who wrote his songs on the drive over to my studio, can you imagine. He just got signed to Universal Records.

I really enjoyed your music and I see great potential there. Write back!

Thanks
Peace
Sub

[This message has been edited by substudio (edited 06-05-2005).]


Thanks!
Peace Mike
Sub

Music & Video's & Photo's
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=482602

Demo/Production & Music Services
http://www.substudiomusic.com







#241721 - 06/05/05 05:33 PM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 6,403
Joe Wrabek (D) Offline
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Joe Wrabek (D)  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 6,403
Garibaldi, OR USA
Marge, this is very pretty. I do get the impression your protagonist is confused. She (I assume it's a "she") keeps telling the guy (assuming, again) to go, but giving him really attractive reasons to stay. I keep wanting to tell her to make up her dang mind. (And wonder whether a more normal person than me listening to the song would, too.)

It'd be different, maybe, if she were saying, "Go 'way because I'm bad and I don't think I can be good around you"--or "Go 'way because *you*'re bad and I don't think you can be good around me." But the way it sits, I'd be tempted to ignore her and just move the truck into the driveway...

Nice stuff.

Joe

#241722 - 06/05/05 09:10 PM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 3,639
Samuel Harris Offline
Top 100 Poster
Samuel Harris  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 3,639
Pleasant Hill, Oregon
I would have to agree that the lyrics need some work but not much. It is pretty close. Those phrases like " drop it" "get out while you can" etc. work very well but needs a little more intergration.

take the first verse. Every line is vague but oddly I know exactly what you are saying.

I would probably "drop" the first line and add something else more clear" - something like this"

I'm just barely hanging on to you
i'd think I'd lose it, and you would too
If we keep pretending we will both turn blue
yea i'd drop it if i were you


"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
#241723 - 06/06/05 02:11 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 340
TheBaz Offline
Serious Contributor
TheBaz  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 340
Boston, MA
I read the lyrics and everyone's comments first. THEN I listened to the MP3. I was really taken off-guard. The lyrics had me expecting angry girl-rock -- a la Ashley Simpson -- about twice as fast as it is, with a beat like Green Day's "American Idiot". I think, in that genre, the lyric would actually fly.

Baz / Erik
www.eriktyler.com
www.soundclick.com/eriktyler

------------------
"The only way to get anywhere is to cross a few lines."


"The only way to get anywhere is to cross a few lines."
#241724 - 06/06/05 02:44 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
maggie might Offline
Casual Observer
maggie might  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
USA
Dear Sub, I don't think you are nuts ")

Thank you for sharing your knowledge of what you do and about the "game" of selling music.
It's really great to hear about your job from your perspective.

About my career right now:

1. I'm 42, married 25 years, have a 10 year old daughter, in the process of moving to another home to look after my mother-in-law who is 88 and recently broke her hip. I also work full time at a local steel mill in the mailroom and printshop (5 years)
2. I've been writing songs almost daily since 2000. I worked with a collaborator from the UK (John Close) via the net for a little over 2 years until he passed away memorial day 2003.
I have over 150 songs with music, mostly midis he did. We have some demos posted on our soundclick site and also more about us at

www.soundclick.com/thetweakytwins

3. I also have worked with numerous other collaborators doing songs. I have one published and being pitched called "His Big Head".

4. I can't stop writing ideas down. I love writing lyrics and I love it when a song comes from doing that. Most come from my heart and probably need to read more and do more of the craft part and that is one reason why I started going to NSAI meetings...the other being just getting to be with other writers is inspiring to me.

5. I can do simple chords on my guitar. I can sing well enough to get the melody to come out for a song ") and I'm learning music, very slowly, mostly on my own. If I could do anything right at this moment, I would go to college and learn all I could about the music part in order to really write my own songs.

6. My one goal has always been to find a publisher to work with and who might see potential in what I have so far. Before my friend John passed away, I prayed we could have at least one song published and that never happened. In the back of my mind, I thought if it did happen it might keep him alive longer. I hate to say this because I don't want it to come out like I am begging for "help"...I accept it as how it is. I think I will always feel indebted to him and his family for working so much and so hard doing music to my lyrics.

7. Now I hope you don't think I'm nuts, because this is the longest email I've ever written!!

Sincerely,
Marge McKinnis

email: maagoo21@aol.com
phone: 724-894-2052

Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by substudio:
Hi Marge,

I loved the melody and vocal over this section of the chorus especially-
"you're my medication
and this speculation is real"

I am no help to myself whatsoever but have had success helping others. I don't know what your goals are and if this is a band. Are you shopping as a songwriter or artist or both? Knowing that can help others help you. We could get into ya know try "Situation in place of medication and so on... all of that is important and should get attention. Are you trying to pitch material? Or an artist? Selling music is like a game, a real hard one at that. Different rules for different players. By now you probably think I'm nuts and some folks take offense at first to my views and methods but I study the game of music full time.

As I hear the song now it has a lot of style. That's cool! I think it needs a lyric re-write the normal constructive critisisms would be the lyrics are not substantial enough. The picture or message is not clear enough. The chorus can't payoff as well without support from the verses. All this especially if your trying to sell the song.

If your selling the artist here, different rules. Yeah everyone will tell you a good song is a good song whether your the artist or a songwriter it doesn't matter always make the song as strong as possible etc... all the lyrics are important, all aspects of your craft should be perfect blah blah.... There are no rules in music.. All of this is true but depends on what you do. There are certain kinda guide lines going on to observe. You need to find your angle and selling strengths.

One example Norah Jones is a style artist, her substance is in her voice, productions,musicians, vibe and feel.
Most of her lyrics when you just read them are nothing to special. Some are outright senseless and go against all the rules we mentioned above. Yet she is a grammy winner. See my point? Get back to me if you don't think I'm nuts and let me know what your up to with your career?

Sometimes when I read my own posts I understand why people don't always respond to me. [Linked Image]

If it helps to know I produced this guy who wrote his songs on the drive over to my studio, can you imagine. He just got signed to Universal Records.

I really enjoyed your music and I see great potential there. Write back!

Thanks
Peace
Sub

[This message has been edited by substudio (edited 06-05-2005).]
</font>

#241725 - 06/06/05 04:47 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
maggie might Offline
Casual Observer
maggie might  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
USA
Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by roxhythe:

It'd be different, maybe, if she were saying, "Go 'way because I'm bad and I don't think I can be good around you"--or "Go 'way because *you*'re bad and I don't think you can be good around me." But the way it sits, I'd be tempted to ignore her and just move the truck into the driveway...

Nice stuff.

Joe[/B]</font>


Hi Joe! Your comments are pretty much like the ones I got from the group. Moving the truck INTO the driveway? It made me think of a possible new title...."I'd Drop In If I Were You"

Thanks for listening!!
Marge

#241726 - 06/06/05 05:04 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
maggie might Offline
Casual Observer
maggie might  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
USA
Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by nashvillecat:


I'm just barely hanging on to you
i'd think I'd lose it, and you would too
If we keep pretending we will both turn blue
yea i'd drop it if i were you

</font>


Hi Cat,
Yes. This definitely gets me thinking about where to start with a rewrite. I really appreciate your help.
Thanks!
Marge

#241727 - 06/06/05 05:07 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
maggie might Offline
Casual Observer
maggie might  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
USA
Erik,

I really like your quote. Thanks for listening!

Marge

#241728 - 06/06/05 06:27 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 7,997
Mike Caro Substudio Offline
Mike Caro Substudio  Offline


Top 20 Poster

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 7,997
NY
Marge,

We both may be a little nuts [Linked Image] One thing I know now for sure is you are for real. It shows in everything you said. Hey you should look at the things surrounding your life and write more about them.
And when you do " Steel Mill Woman" make sure your character works directly with the steel not in the office. lol-
I listened to all your mp3's I liked "Take My Hand"
"Take a Look At Me" alot. But my favorite was "Far From Hear" I believe that was your vocal and it was really touching and heartfelt as was the song. On that song the vocal reminded me of Annie Lennox.If you don't know of her she was with the Eurythmics.
In my opinion your strongest points are in the mellowist tunes. Alot of style in there and if you start throwing in more colorful thoughts and out of the box lyrics I think it could really help in finding a nitche. Erik had a good point about the lyrics of your song and the style in which he felt it fit. He is very talented you should check out his stuff like "Love Like Time" he cleverly has the title at the top and bottom of the chorus without having it sound forced. That's not easy to do. You can learn alot just from checking out what different people are doing. And it will be cheaper than that tuition for music college. Also sorry about the lost of your friend John. I will keep checking out your stuff and if anything comes up over here that fits with what you do I'll send you an email. I'm married 12 yrs. 25 years married Wow! I know people that were married for 25 minutes. Things move fast in New York huh!

See now that we know know each other are posts will be shorter.
Thanks for sharing so much
Sub


Thanks!
Peace Mike
Sub

Music & Video's & Photo's
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=482602

Demo/Production & Music Services
http://www.substudiomusic.com







#241729 - 06/06/05 09:44 PM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Jun 2005
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maggie might Offline
Casual Observer
maggie might  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
USA
Sub,

Thanks so much for the pointers!

"Far From Here"..that's a beautiful title!
Mine was "Far From Fear", but yours sounds more real..because my mom didn't really live in fear, she just had a very rough life.

Marge

#241730 - 06/07/05 02:28 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 184
Renikay Offline
Serious Contributor
Renikay  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 184
Vancouver, WA, USA
Maggie, I have NEVER spent so much time at anyone's Soundclick site! I listened to many of your tunes, done with so many co-writers, but with it all, your strength is in your hauntingly beautiful lyrics.

Although according to the "rules" some might not say "commercial", BUT through it all what I saw was a REAL person expressing such deep insights and feelings!

And . . . I loved the one that you did just guitar and YOUR vocal, don't downplay your own ability - that was wonderful!

As to the current tune posted, "I'd drop it if I were you", although I "get it", I would agree with some of the other suggestions for clarifying the thoughts, or as some wise sage as called it "the nut" i.e. what the song is all about!

I would love to collaborate with you, because you do have such a great depth of expression!

Good Work!

------------------
Reni Kay
www.soundclick.com/renikay


Reni Kay
As Al Jolson sang so many years ago, "if my song can make you smile, laugh, cry, I'm happy!"
http://www.soundclick.com/renikay
ReniKay@comcast.net
#241731 - 06/07/05 09:19 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
maggie might Offline
Casual Observer
maggie might  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
USA
Hi Reni,

Thank you doesn't quite seem good enough for such a nice comment...I'll make it a big one tho THANK YOU!

Ok....I say let's do it...collab on one ok?
What have we got to lose?

I also promise to listen to your songs when I get home from work today.

Take care and will get back soon to you.

Maggie

#241732 - 06/07/05 03:11 PM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 58
littlelibby100 Offline
Serious Contributor
littlelibby100  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 58
GA
I love your style... it kind of reminds me of a slightly more country me... I could definitely see this as a faster-paced thing like someone else says... I can't believe the volume of material you've created!
I just found this course online that you may be interested in, too... I haven't taken the course so don't consider this an endorsement...
http://www.harrietschock.com/school/school1.htm

#241733 - 06/08/05 02:53 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,473
Tom Franz Online content
Top 200 Poster
Tom Franz  Online Content
Top 200 Poster

Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,473
Northern California
Marge,
This is very good. My favorite that I have heard from you so far.
Good work,
Tom

#241734 - 06/08/05 06:16 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 7,997
Mike Caro Substudio Offline
Mike Caro Substudio  Offline


Top 20 Poster

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 7,997
NY
Hi Marge,

Before you go giving metoo much credit the Title "Far From Here" was a typo. I meant to write "Far From Fear" which I think is a better title.

I got "here" stuck in my head from reading the last chorus sublimely like this.

I know she's looking down
I still feel her care
My mom's up in heaven
But she is far from fear
oh..my mom's up in heaven
But she's not far from here.

But I write my posts at 5:00 in the morning so what can you expect. Thanks again for sharing so much I included a little sample of what I do - link at the bottom. I write and play these kinds of songs when I'm dryed out with lyrics and melodies.

All The Best
Sub

http://tinyurl.com/bykv5


Thanks!
Peace Mike
Sub

Music & Video's & Photo's
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=482602

Demo/Production & Music Services
http://www.substudiomusic.com







#241735 - 06/10/05 12:21 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
maggie might Offline
Casual Observer
maggie might  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
USA
Thanks for the link Libby! That's my daughter's name too!

Thanks Tom!

Thanks for the sample Sub...it's totally stunning. Good for you and all the best!

Marge

#241736 - 06/16/05 11:07 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 27
sharthejoysheila Offline
Casual Observer
sharthejoysheila  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 27
Centerville, Mo
I really liked this.. I loved the music, specially the violin.. It had my mind with picture of it as you sang.. Thought is was Great.. I am new and don't know much yet about writting, I love to write, but hav not really got to the point that i can say what needs to be said in the most powerful way, but not to wordy... Any way I enjoyed your song.. Sheila

#241737 - 06/18/05 11:09 AM Re: I'd Drop It  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
maggie might Offline
Casual Observer
maggie might  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 15
USA
Thank you Sheila!!


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