JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum The Ones He Left Behind

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/chrisgarrettmusic.htm

He sits staring at the TV
Sometimes when it's not even on.
He wonders if he's crazy,
He's not sure now anymore.
His legs are paralyzed -
A gift from "Victor Charlie".
Too afraid to close his eyes,
He can't control his heartbeat.
'Cause he hears those haunting voices
That call out in his mind -
The voices of the ones he left behind.


Chorus 1

Texas'll never ride the range again.
And Comanche, he's danced his last dance
With that Indian Summer wind.
Gunny never saw his little girl.
He lays awake 'till morning breaks
'Cause when he shuts his eyes,
He dreams about the ones he left behind.


vs 2

So many years have passed now,
But the pain's as fresh as yesterday.
The war goes on inside him,
The dark side's just a step away.
There's nothing he can do
'Cause he can't face his demons.
He thought the fight was through,
But he still hears their screamin'.
He can't escape those haunting voices
That call out in his mind _
The voices of the ones he left behind.

Repeat Chorus 1


vs 3

He wheels into the bedroom
And finds his issue .45.
He puts on his dress blues -
First time since 1969.
He's gotta still those haunting voices
That call out in his mind -
The voices of the ones he left behind.


Chorus 2

There's Texas waving from the other side.
And the beauty of Comanche's dance
Across the Great Divide.
Gunny's waitin' on his little girl.
The voices rage inside his mind,
He's crossed over the line...
And now he's with the ones he left behind.




[This message has been edited by Helicon1 (edited 09-24-2004).]

Anybody?

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Chris

Hi Chris

I think your song is really good - well constructed and obviously sung with a lot of emotion. Why did you change the words in the chorus?(they're not sung as written here).

Just a little crit. I think the whole thing would be more effective if it started with a very understated accompaniment and built to a crescendo just before the end.

Bernie

www.bernielamb.com
www.soundclick.com/bands/3/bernielambmusic.htm

Thanks Bernie.

I am going to do just that.


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Chris

Hi Chris,
A fine song but in need of a teensy bit of tweaking to round it off.
You've obviously put a lot of thought into the lyrics but, good as they are, I can't help feeling that they need some strengthening on the first four lines of v1. The other verses have a rhyme/half-rhyme structure on lines 2/4 but the opening verse, which you would expect to be the strongest does not. Also lines 5 and 6 of the chorus, tune-wise, are too similar to the verses. I can understand why you want to bring the hook back "as is" at the end of the chorus and that works fine but the main problem with the song is its lack of contrast. A different tune (maybe going up in pitch?) on those two lines would help that as would Bernie's suggestion about building the song.
Hope this helps,
Bob

Check out my latest - "Love" - at
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/3/boblesliemusic.htm

Hey Bob.

Thanks for commenting.
My half-rhyme/near-rhyme is there in the first verse also:

(even on/anymore).


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Chris

Hey Chris. I like this song a lot, but I also agree that if you alter the production to build up to a big ending it would be more effective. I think there's a lot of potential here. Good job!
sonny

Thanks for the reply, BB.

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Chris

Chris,
Love your lyrics on this one! Touching song.

Leanne

Thanks Leeanne.

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Chris

I am new to this board, and this is my first review.

Lyrics: I thought the words were ok on a line by line basis , although I didnt like the premise of the song - there just wasnt anything positive in the lyrics, and the end was depressingly predictable. I think it would have been better if there was more of a twist to the last verse:
positive: He looks at his wife, kids etc and feels that they are what has saved him
negative: His son starts talking to him about how he has just signed up for the army himself

Music: I thought the song was diluted by the backing music - To me it sounded very tame and sort of like "muzak" -
I personally think it would have been more powerful with just a vocal and guitar delivery

I thought your singing voice was good, and the vocal melody was quite nice.

Sorry if my criticism sounds a bit negative, but hopefully it is a bit constructive.

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Hey Chris -

As you can see my screen name here isn't a hidden I.D. Guess my post didn't stick last time.

Comments - way too many "he's" in the lyric. I think you can clean it up a little just by dropping them where not needed. Not sure how to correct the one that bothers me the most which is in the chorus where "his" refers to Gunny and the immediately following "he" refers to the primary character.

In the last chorus - The voices rage inside his mind, doesn't work for me. Having joined them, they are no longer voices raging inside him.

On the overall arrangement of the instrumentation - something that varies the dynamic more would be a good idea. I disagree with those that think it should build to the end. The last verse should be extremely sparse to reflect the desperate solitude of suicide.


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Marty listen here

Is there a setting on the digital delay that will allow me to think before I speak?

Thanks for responding Marty, and for the input.

The voices are raging inside his mind just at the instant before he pulls the trigger.

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Chris

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/chrisgarrettmusic.htm

Hey Bab,

Sorry I missed your post.

This is a quick demo of the song to get feedback before I actually begin work on a finished master recording of the song. The final version will retain many of the elements that are in the demo, but many things will be changed and added such as real guitars, a really solid vocal, background vocals, and more dynamics in the accompaniment tracks.

I will also be adding some special effects to the song. Mainly at the front, where I will have elements of battle sounds, automatic weapons fire, static, crackling radio communications, and things such as this. These sounds will fade out gradually through the intro of the song.

I am working in concert with a few organizations and special ministries right now to use this song to help spread awareness of post-traumatic stress disorder in individuals who have seen combat.

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Chris

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/chrisgarrettmusic.htm

Chris -

To me the entire last chorus reads as if he's already crossed the line. Maybe for your intent - change the wording

The voices rage inside his mind,
Then he crosses the line...
And now he's with the ones he left behind.



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Marty listen here

Is there a setting on the digital delay that will allow me to think before I speak?

Hey Chris,
Good to see you back with a new song! The arrangement and production on this is excellent, really enjoyed what you put together!

The song topic is realistic, "raw" and powerful sounding. Sounds almost like this would be a good sequel for film or documentary, at least that's the vibes I get when I hear this, which is a good thing!

Keep it up. You've got some great talents!

Michael B.

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The OUTLOOK may often appear bleak, but the UPLOOK is always bright!

Thanks, Michael.

When I wrote this song I actually "saw" it as a movie in my head. Trimmed it down to "music video" length now.

I would actually like to produce a music video to the finished song when it is ready.

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Chris

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/chrisgarrettmusic.htm

a video would be cool.

The pitch of your first verse vocals don't fit the lyrics and the overall mood of the song. You almost sound happy when you sing the word "paralyzed"
I Can't stand those cheesy midi drums either.
Sounds like Phil Collins in the 80's.
"In the Air Tonight" during the samll intrumental break.
This genre is definitely not Alternative Country either. Your vocals might be a tad but the overall sound is contemporary 80's.

I just don't think this is a topic that I would want to play over and over again on the radio. Think about it would you expect this to get radio play over and over again during the course of the day.
I would prefer a song about healing the past and not re-living it unless it was happy memories. Like for example Tim McGraws song "Back When" or Kenny Chesney's "I go back"

JMHO "take it or leave it"

DAvid

Hi David. The song you are talking about writing is a totally different song from this one. If you you think it should be written, you should write it. But it's not the intent or purpose of THIS song to bring back "happy memories".

In an earlier post on this thread I described what the goals are for THIS song. To recap:

"This is a quick demo of the song to get feedback before I actually begin work on a finished master recording of the song. The final version will retain many of the elements that are in the demo, but many things will be changed and added such as real guitars, a really solid vocal, background vocals, and more dynamics in the accompaniment tracks.

I am working in concert with a few organizations and special ministries right now to use this song to help spread awareness of post-traumatic stress disorder in individuals who have seen combat."

So thanks for listening, and for your input, but the song you are talking about is not the song I am trying to write.

(By the way, thanks for comparing me to Phil Collins! I rather like his older work, and while this certainly doesn't come close to "In The Air Tonight", I believe that is my favorite Phil Collins song of all-time! )


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Chris

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/chrisgarrettmusic.htm

I read what you said I am just simply stating my taste. Take it or leave it..
My whole angle of critiqueing is not whether your song is good just rather if I think it would be commericial.
Heck I am no expert.. Since I don't have any cuts myself YET.
I think Toby Keiths approach in "American Soldier" stated some of the sacrafices made by our men and women in harms way in a better way of stating it.
Not stating horrific acts or images that they go through. I can understand why you would want to educate folks about the things that soldiers saw and bring back with them so they might understand. But I think a different approach could possibly be more beneficial to you in a commericial way.
How about talk about the sacraficies of the "ones left behind" Could be about the dead soldiers left behind, the women and children at home, the civilian friends they were their to protect..
I think your overall concept is good just don't like the approach. And I don't think vets would wan't to re construct these images in their heads everytime they hear it.
If you think you are helping folks with this than by all means, stay with it..

Again JMHO

DAvid

good song. but not alt-country. with a real band behind it it will be great. these are strong feelings and words and i like the idea. kinda like my three more gone tune.i wrote a song called facing the wall, which was about a vet going to the wall and seeing his brothers name on it. overall i like it...barn.

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www.barkinbarneyandthetallboys.com

Thanks Barn!

what can I say?

Great tune! However you want to classify it.

Good job

Shred

'Preciate it Shred!

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Chris

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/chrisgarrettmusic.htm