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#1172382 - 12/12/20 06:08 AM IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB)  
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Travis david Offline
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This is a re- recording of the song which Dave sent to me today.
The initial take sounded distant, this new recording is far better we think..
The story came about during our months of lockdown in the UK. This was potentially the aftermath.
Please have a listen:
John



https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=14158266


IF ONLY

All the streets were bare—
the silence filled the air,
as I walked through
the places you and I once knew.
And you were everywhere . . .
A ghost under the lights
that lined these roads,
and dark apartments, row by row.

If I could only walk with you
hand in hand again,
by a river, by a stream,
in a park, not just a dream.
If I could only be with you
on some warm summer night
drinking wine and dancing
to the rhythm of life—
How good it would be
just you and me , , ,
If only.

What's Armaggeddon?
The road they say we’re heading
down to the end,
with no cure for our suffering.
I'd risk it all to hold you tight,
to have you by my side tonight—
anything it takes I’d sacrifice.

(C)

And the churches in defiance,
from the altars old hymns play.
And they float upon the desperate wind
then the echoes fade away.
And they all hold as much promise as
the helpless words they pray—
If they ever see the light of day,
who’ll listen anyway?

I reached home like before . . .
I didn’t even lock my door—
there’s nobody out there,
and I’m past the point that I care.
So I’m sitting here needing you
and there’s not a damn thing I can do—
You’re too far away—
I’m stuck here and you’re too far away . . .
C

(C)
DAVID LEKICH AND JOHN VAUGHAN


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1172391 - 12/12/20 11:00 AM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Gavin Sinclair Online content
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Wow! Talk about synergy! This is a great lyric, but Deej really squeezes every ounce of its potential with his music and haunting performance. It is topical, of course, but is moving in its own right. Wonderful, guys!

#1172392 - 12/12/20 11:27 AM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Gavin Sinclair]  
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Wow to you too!
Cheers Gavin that's great feedback. Thanks for your ears and positive comments
Cheers
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1172405 - 12/12/20 04:15 PM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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9ne Online content
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That is a very well done song, cheers!

Care for a crit?
The transition between the verse and the chorus may be too long. Also, I think the music could be more uplifting on it's way to the chorus.
Whatever. Again, well done!
-Mike


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=170948

I think what makes satan so attractive to others is
that he tastes like chocolate...
....and he played real drums
#1172416 - 12/12/20 07:44 PM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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- Select One - huntsville, te...
Brilliant! Great lyrics and vocals. Kudos guys. Luv it!


Ckiphen
#1172419 - 12/13/20 01:59 AM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Hi Mike
Alpreciate your suggestions and comments.
The walk to the chorus is only one verse albeit a fairly long stroll..
I suppose the content of the song in a way denies it being uplifting but it's something Dave and I can look into I'm sure.. On the good side you liked the song over-all, that's good too
Thanks for your feedback
Regards
John

Last edited by Travis david; 12/13/20 01:59 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1172420 - 12/13/20 02:00 AM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Cheers Carroll
Thanks for the thumbs up.
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1172428 - 12/13/20 09:57 AM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Vicarn Offline
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Very nice work from Deej and yourself.
Maybe, as others have said, a long walk to get to the chorus.
My sugg would be to cut the part that starts with "What's Armageddon ...." as it's not saying anything new.
Also I would cut the surplus bars after "row by row, I'd sacrifice and "too far away" and insert a pregnant pause after each of those lines.
Apart from that. Great.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#1172432 - 12/13/20 04:53 PM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Great work guys, and like a few before me, love the lyrics and the passionate performance. The chorus hook is IMO the song's melody strength.

I agree with Vic, especially about the Armageddon line--that question posed is such a strong statement that perhaps "breaks" the "listening story flow" of the "moment"--(maybe because it's presented in question form)? Armageddon is such a powerful term and an unusual word that presents a horrific picture/event which can maybe disconnect a listener? Not sure, might be fine, just my initial reaction. Other than that, think this is a great song.

This was a fabulous listen--I really enjoyed it!

steady-eddie

Last edited by E Swartz; 12/14/20 12:21 AM.
#1172435 - 12/14/20 01:18 AM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Thanks for your take on the song Vic, I liked the Armageddon line, but I suppose it was just a over reaction to that initial lock down and all the fatalities clocking up on those daily Downing Street updates.
I'm sure Dave will respond to the other suggestions, but good to know you liked it
Thanks
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1172455 - 12/15/20 12:08 PM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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E Swartz Offline
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Hey John,

Reading your remarks to Vic, I do get a little better perspective on your "Armegeddon" line. So let me elaborate a bit. I like the idea now that I'm getting the song's meaning a bit better. My sug might be to phrase it somehow more like: "Like Armegeddon" etc. In this way, the analogy seems clear quickly, whereas in question form at that juncture, more disconcerting--at least with my initial reaction. I'm not trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill either, just you know me, I do enjoy being helpful with my opinion, but never in the manner that I'm necessarily right..........

fast-eddie.

#1172457 - 12/15/20 04:02 PM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Vicarn Offline
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It doesn't have to be the Armageddon part that gets cut. What I suggest is that you cut some of the surplus lines which aren't important to the song and by doing so get to the chorus quicker. For example, it could be the part that begins, "If I could only walk with you hand in hand again, etc. etc."
Just an idea to tighten it up.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#1172468 - 12/16/20 04:17 AM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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I suppose Ed that Armageddon could also be used in the event of something happening far more devistating than just a few months lockdown.
The bridge suggests this and the last verse is about the guy heading for home. He didn't even bother locking his door as there's hardly anyone left apart from a few people who have taken refuge or solace in a church?
Perhaps this could add more weight to Armageddon?
Cheers Ed


And the churches in defiance,
from the altars old hymns play.
And they float upon the desperate wind
then the echoes fade away.
And they all hold as much promise as
the helpless words they pray—
If they ever see the light of day,
who’ll listen anyway?

I reached home like before . . .
I didn’t even lock my door—
there’s nobody out there,
and I’m past the point that I care.
So I’m sitting here needing you
and there’s not a damn thing I can do—
You’re too far away—
I’m stuck here and you’re too far away . . .

Last edited by Travis david; 12/16/20 04:18 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1172469 - 12/16/20 04:24 AM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Thanks Vic
I've asked Dave to take a look at yours and other suggestions. Any advice on improvements is worth discussing.
Dave on holiday so communication isn't as quick as usual.
Me too for that matter. But I've been given my itinerary for the next day or so stripping and staining garden furniture
Cheers
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1172478 - 12/16/20 11:32 AM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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E Swartz Offline
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John,

You write wonderful pros. I don't usually delve into critiquing lyrics as one has to listen several times, especially when you are looking at more poetic lyrics. I went back and listened to this song a couple more times--and I really do like it. But I went back to focus on what/why that (Bridge-Armageddon line) seems disconcerting......What I feel is happening is more of a music structural flow than a lyric issue--JMO. The C launches in a nice fashion following the 1st verse, almost like a PC that flows smoothly into the C--I like this. Once the C resolves however with "If Only," along with the following music pause, the "Armageddon line," feels like a new V is beginning to launch, rather than a Bridge digressing--then that Bridge launches like another C. Now everything is performed very well and it sounds swell, but structurally I think the two could be conformed into one C, but some trimming might be required else the C would be too long. Or........if the C can be tightened up, one idea would be to move the "I'd risk it all" line before the "If only" line allowing the C to have the more dramatic launch musically. Then re-work the Bridge, but put a short music interlude between C & B to allow Bridge better identity.

A lot of great things going on, but IMO the song needs some structural tweaks to be more seamless. Again, great job with this melody Deej! People will not get the lyrics on the first listen from a radio perspective, but will after a couple of listens--the music is very good, but the middle of the song needs tightening IMO.

steady-eddie

Last edited by E Swartz; 12/16/20 01:24 PM.
#1172497 - 12/17/20 04:03 AM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Hi Ed
gain your feedback and help is great to get.
Dave as mentioned is on holiday so he's not been around here or via email
I'm sure when we can get our heads together we can duly respond.
I'm away too so not about as much as I'd like to be
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1172856 - 12/26/20 02:26 PM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Damn this is awesome...


Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
#1173247 - 01/13/21 11:37 PM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Cheers Steve
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1173611 - 01/28/21 08:20 PM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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VNORTH2 Online content
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I would hope when people are listening to this song that they really pay attention to the words. It is pure gold.

It doesn't get any better than

And the churches in defiance,
from the altars old hymns play.
And they float upon the desperate wind
then the echoes fade away.
And they all hold as much promise as
the helpless words they pray—
If they ever see the light of day,
who’ll listen anyway?

Your imagery is second to none.

To me I also want to get a feeling from a song and you have done that so well. Great production

Steve


VNORTH2
#1173991 - 02/14/21 11:59 AM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Thanks Steve good to know you found those words so good
A joint effort by Dave and I
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1174022 - 02/15/21 11:31 AM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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VNORTH2 Online content
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Originally Posted by Travis david
Thanks Steve good to know you found those words so good
A joint effort by Dave and I
Regards
John


I love it when you know someone has actually chosen their words carefully. I'm so tired of lyrics that seem to be "cut and paste"or full of overused metaphors and cliches.

Steve

Last edited by VNORTH2; 02/15/21 12:49 PM.

VNORTH2
#1174036 - 02/15/21 09:30 PM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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Sunset Poet Online content
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Pretty song.

I've always liked DJs voice. The tonality and mood of this song may be more in his sweet-spot than any that I can recall.

imo...a female harmony when it lifts would take the song up a couple of notches.

Martin

#1174065 - 02/16/21 02:38 PM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
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south of the mason,dixon line
great write Travis, I think there is as much "heart in the lyric as the performance with this, great job by DJ,
the writing and that delivery, I think make this song easy to listen to. Lane



"Blessed are the words of truth and fiction,
one might save you from the other...Vincent
#1174073 - 02/16/21 05:28 PM Re: IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 970
JAPOV Offline
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JAPOV  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 970
I have no problem with the Armageddon line at all... My only "nit" would be to make the first verse present tense like the rest of the song.

Great Job Guys! smile


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