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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 29
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 29 |
i wrote this song really quickly so i am expecting there to be a lot of things wrong with it, though nothing stands out in particular to me. the Chorus sounds a bit weird when just reading it, but i have a tune in my head that i place it to and it sounds good so i didnt change it.
WHAT THE F***
(Verse 1)
If you don’t like what you see Go out, and change what you saw
Go out, stop lecturing me Come back when you know yourself more
Go out, into the madness You say you won’t make it through
You know, I couldn’t care less ‘Cos those words aren’t coming from you
(Chorus)
Do you see, do you see, What the f*** are you waiting for? What the f*** are you waiting for? Do you see?
(Verse 2)
You fall through your hollow lies You fall from hell up above
You fall down from the grey skies Returning to the land that you love
(Chorus)
Do you see, do you see What the f*** are you waiting for? What the f*** are you waiting for? Do you see?
(Chorus)
Do you see, do you see What the f*** are you waiting for? What the f*** are you waiting for? Do you see?
I dont wanna be your little research monkey boy - the creature that i am is only going to destroy
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 436
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 436 |
Hi MeerKat. Get ready, this might ignite the ageless and unresolvable fires posed in the question: "Does profanity belong in song lyrics?" Here's my dos pesos -- profanity is like cayenne pepper -- a little bit goes a long way. But used sparingly, it can add just the right flavor when needed. Unfortunately -- this is a case of too much cayenne pepper. When used as you have here -- the "f" word becomes a cop-out -- and makes you sound like you don't have sufficient creative skills or vocabulary to say what you really mean. Which I know in your case, isn't really true at all, is it? As for the rest of it -- well I already own a copy of "Exile in Guyville" -- so I'll pass for now. Of course, if in rewriting it you can give me as a listener some reason for why the singer's so PO'ed -- that's an opinion that could change. Don Rowe (DGR) [This message has been edited by DGR (edited 07-22-2005).]
"Tell that kid a piano ain't got any wrong notes" -- Thelonius Monk
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 29
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 29 |
i think you may have got the wrong end of the stick here - the singer isnt meant to be PO'd, but is telling someone to get out and do things instead of sitting around feeling sorry for themselves. i used profanitites to try and make the chorus more powerful, as the verses lack any true power.
i listen to mostly rock music, and profanities are so prolific in this genre that i never considered that it would be 'indecent' or whatever you may consider it to be. as i said in my first thread, i listen to a lot of RHCP and they are not a good influence if you intend on writing clean songs.
but thanks for the input, i always appreciate other people's opinions.
I dont wanna be your little research monkey boy - the creature that i am is only going to destroy
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 43
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 43 |
I love profanity, and use it liberally. But this song is unbearably boring.
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 473
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 473 |
I dont use profanity much in lyrics, but I dont mind em if they are needed to get a point across (and sometimes they are).
What you have here is a case of too much or not enough. you only use 1 cuss word and the word 'heck' would work as a substitute to clean it up. If you wanted to use profanity the way some types of people do in normal conversation, then there should be more of it running through the verses. The lyrics are a bit vague. I dont get who or why the singer is asking the main profane question. Its obvious the song is a personal response to someone specific. so either make me disgusted with em too, or give me some info that I can empathize with, that might sound like someone in my life, who could use a wake up call, like this song could be. (now thats a run on sentence)
Its a good idea for an angry rock song, it just needs some meat in there to grab hold of.
Doug
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 29
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 29 |
ok, i have an idea. i am going to re-write the chorus and maybe add a verse (or alter the existing ones) and call the song something completely new. i like the verses that i currently have, and changing them would pretty much make it a totally different song anyway, so i will keep them.
I dont wanna be your little research monkey boy - the creature that i am is only going to destroy
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 29
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 29 |
i am still going to do what i just said, but i wanted to point something out first...
ive just realised that the song B.Y.O.B by SOAD uses the F word in almost exactly the same way as i did in this song - so i dont think what i did was inherently wrong.
I dont wanna be your little research monkey boy - the creature that i am is only going to destroy
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 450 |
Meerkat- I liked the concept of this song. Every now and then, we need a song that just lets it all out; a song that takes the frustration and anger we have built up and just allows us to let it go. An anthem of sorts that listeners can sing to and start to feel better. Good idea. The only this I would change would be to add in some more verses to beef up the meaning of the song a bit more. Great start!!!
Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
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Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,327
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,327 |
Hey there, Meerkat. I'd say the difference between what you're doing here and what SOAD did is that they were completing a thought about "It's party time, it's party time and where the *** are you?"
All you've got as a lead-in here is "do you see"? It's less articulate. Do I see what? Maybe look at making a clearer lead-in to that punch line would give it more power. I think what people are objecting to is that it doesn't underline anything with the swearing, it just pops out on its own. So, instead of adding power to something else, it just comes out as a blast of power with no context.
That's my two cents.
-- James
[This message has been edited by JamesM (edited 07-24-2005).]
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