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#791830 - 01/30/10 09:00 PM Re: First Time [Re: Ricki E. Bellos]  
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,894
Ricki E. Bellos Offline
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Ricki E. Bellos  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2008
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Wisconsin
Hi Jan,

Thanks for taking time to listen. I appreciate the offer of help. That you thought enough of the song means a lot to me. With a little self effort and help from JM, I think I have the lyric trimmed down to a "doable" state. (If that isn't a word. it ought to be!) Now it's just a matter of re-recording the vocals (the easy part)and finding a band and, voila! I have my one and only uptempo song. Life is good.

Ricki

#791933 - 01/31/10 08:40 AM Re: First Time [Re: Ricki E. Bellos]  
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 9,703
John Lawrence Schick Offline
John Lawrence Schick  Offline

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Posts: 9,703
PA
A lot of music in this small production. Has a good feel to it. Yeah, tighten up the vocal a bit and it'll be ready to go. The voice fits it perfectly.

Let me know when you do a re-take on the vocal Ricki. I want to hear it again.

John smile

#792335 - 02/01/10 09:46 PM Re: First Time [Re: John Lawrence Schick]  
Joined: Apr 2008
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Ricki E. Bellos Offline
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Ricki E. Bellos  Offline
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Wisconsin
Hi John,

Thanks for the listen and glad you like it and would actually be willing to listen to it again! smile

Ricki

#793688 - 02/06/10 04:36 PM Re: First Time [Re: Ricki E. Bellos]  
Joined: Apr 2006
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Ian Ferrin Offline
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Ian Ferrin  Offline
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This is a cool song Ricki. It's cool and sad at the same time.

It's got a GREAT hook.

Peace,

Ian


Soundclick http://www.soundclick.com/ianferrin
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#793766 - 02/06/10 11:22 PM Re: First Time [Re: Ricki E. Bellos]  
Joined: Jul 2006
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Michael Zaneski Offline
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Michael Zaneski  Offline
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California
Hi Ricki,

Interesting twist in the lyric, and overall very strong, lyrically.

there are a few phrasing issues, like "As he turned to go he said I'm so glad I could be your", "I am alone and for now I like it that way" and "The kind of love I'm thinking of will find me eventually for the"

and this line esp.: "You can't leave me now, I get what I want and I bought you a ring/As I turned to go I said there" ...it seems like "I get what I want" is in there again so we know it's him speaking, but I still find it a little confusing, due to the fact that "I said" follows quickly, and "I" was the last proper noun, in the preceding line too.

The phrasing issues will certainly all get worked out. You may consider "compacting" "You can't leave me now, I get what I want and I bought you a ring" like

"you said you couldn't leave/that you'd bought me a ring"

...this reminds me of Suzanne Vega at her best; very good work!

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 02/06/10 11:25 PM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#793781 - 02/07/10 12:43 AM Re: First Time [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 1,347
Charlie Wong Offline
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Charlie Wong  Offline
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Las Vegas, NV

I like how the story progresses, takes you somewhere such as about lessons learned, how you are better off for it today, etc., also how you modify the chorus each time, provides more room to tell your stuff. If anything I would think about condensing some of the thoughts so you don't sound like your rushing to squeeze in all the words at certain points in the song. Also, exactly what happened between you two that first time in the parking lot?


Best Regards and Aloha,

Charlie
#794293 - 02/08/10 09:58 PM Re: First Time [Re: Charlie Wong]  
Joined: Apr 2008
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Ricki E. Bellos Offline
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Ricki E. Bellos  Offline
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Wisconsin
Hi Ian,

Thanks for the warm fuzzies.

Ricki

#794294 - 02/08/10 10:00 PM Re: First Time [Re: Ricki E. Bellos]  
Joined: Apr 2008
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Ricki E. Bellos Offline
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Ricki E. Bellos  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2008
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Wisconsin
Hi Mike,

The phrasing/wordiness seems to be the biggest issue with this one, so that's where I'll concentrate my efforts. Thanks for your input, glad to see you back.

Ricki

#794296 - 02/08/10 10:02 PM Re: First Time [Re: Ricki E. Bellos]  
Joined: Apr 2008
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Ricki E. Bellos Offline
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Ricki E. Bellos  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2008
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Wisconsin
Hi Charlie,

Thanks for your thoughts. I'll be cutting out the extra words so they should flow smoother.

"Also, exactly what happened between you two that first time in the parking lot?"

You're kidding, right? smile

Ricki

#794642 - 02/10/10 12:22 PM Re: First Time [Re: Ricki E. Bellos]  
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 4,179
Tom Shea Offline
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Tom Shea  Offline
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Nebraska
This is stuff that should be in the front, not in the back of the closet.

Tom


Thomas Shea

Thomas Shea - Songwriting
http://www.soundclick.com/thomasshea

Justice - Songs
http://www.soundclick.com/justice-nebraska

#794701 - 02/10/10 03:32 PM Re: First Time [Re: Ricki E. Bellos]  
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Ken Damkier Offline
Serious Contributor
Ken Damkier  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Denmark
This is a great write about something urgent for most people.
The first love is the deepest?
I must add that this is worth to work on.
Love it!
Ken

#794872 - 02/10/10 11:34 PM Re: First Time [Re: Ken Damkier]  
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,894
Ricki E. Bellos Offline
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Ricki E. Bellos  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,894
Wisconsin
Hi Tom,

You don't want to know what's in the back of my closet! smile

Ricki

#794873 - 02/10/10 11:36 PM Re: First Time [Re: Ricki E. Bellos]  
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,894
Ricki E. Bellos Offline
Top 40 Poster
Ricki E. Bellos  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,894
Wisconsin
Hi Ken,

Thanks for listening. I don't know about being the deepest, but it would seem like first love sticks with us like no other, even when it goes bad.

Ricki

#794908 - 02/11/10 12:50 AM Re: First Time [Re: Ricki E. Bellos]  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 5,577
Little_stevie_b Offline
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Little_stevie_b  Offline
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 5,577
Hickory, North Carolina USA
Glad you posted this one Ricki. I really enjoyed the folk sound.

Steve

#795559 - 02/12/10 11:08 PM Re: First Time [Re: Little_stevie_b]  
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,894
Ricki E. Bellos Offline
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Ricki E. Bellos  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,894
Wisconsin
Hi Stevie,

Thanks for listening and glad you enjoyed it.

Ricki

#1171918 - 12/01/20 11:30 PM Re: First Time [Re: Ricki E. Bellos]  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,999
maccharles Offline
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maccharles  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,999
This is great, but seems squeezed for time lyrically......I apologize if previous comments echo this.

😁

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