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#1171356 - 11/20/20 01:48 PM Winter Night ( Rewrite 2)  
Joined: Jun 2011
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Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
WINTER NIGHT.
V
The gardens blanket glitters silver and white
Jack Frost's dance captures it in the moonlight.
Our arms wound around each other so tight
we shiver, but we laugh, on this cold winters night.
V
Draw the curtains lets close the doors
firewoods crackling demanding we put on more
Warm up, rubbing her frozen fingers that's turned white
lost in her deep brown eyes, on this cold winter's night

B
We sit here drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowers me
No not a dream, she is really mine

MUSIC

V
So happy for this love that we've found
we trod carefully at first, our loves the second time around
As the last embers die, and it approaches daylight
isn't anyone in the world, I'd share another Winters night
.

OUTRO
Love for her so strong, now so impossible to deny


-------------------------------------------
WiNTER NIGHT.
V
The gardens blanket glittered silver and white
Jack Frost's dance,was captured in the moonlight.
With our arms wound around each other so tight
we shivered, but how we laughed, on that cold winters night.
V
Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door
firewood crackled, demanding I put on some more
Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white
lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night

B
We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
No dream she's really mine

MUSIC

V
So happy for this love that we'd found
treading carefully first for this second time around
As the last embers died, and it approached daylight
nobody in this world that I'd longed to spend- that winter night
.

OUTRO
Love for her so strong, now so impossible to deny

Last edited by Travis david; 11/21/20 05:15 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1171384 - 11/20/20 10:55 PM Re: Winter Night ( Rewrite) [Re: Travis david]  
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Gary E. Andrews Online content
Gary E. Andrews  Online Content

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Travis, this sounds too intimate for the Singer-Character to be telling the audience about 'her'.
I think he should be talking directly to her. And for that reason it should be more present tense, instead of past tense.


"THIS COLD WINTER'S NIGHT"
Verse I
The garden's blanket glitters silver and white
Jack Frost's dance, is captured in moonlight.
With our arms wound around each other so tight
we shiver, but how we laugh, on This Cold Winter's Night.
Verse II
We draw the curtains soon as we close the door (The pronoun 'we' is the 'actors' to do the 'action' of the verb.)
firewood crackles, demanding I put on some more
Warmed up, I rub your frozen fingers that have turned white
I'm lost in, your deep brown eyes, on This Cold Winter's Night

Bridge
my love for you overpowers me
We sit here drinking mulled wine
It's not just a dream
You're really mine

MUSIC (I've seen this notated as "Instrumental Interlude". I think it serves the function of a Bridge, an Instrumental Bridge.)

Verse III
I'm so happy for this love that we've found
treading carefully for our second time around
As the last embers die, it's approaching daylight
there's no one in this world I'd rather spend- This Cold Winter's Night
.

OUTRO (The final Musical Movement of a composition can be designated as a 'Coda'. There's actually not a word like 'Introduction' reduced to INTRO, like outroduction, and OUTRO.)

Love for you so strong, now so impossible to deny
on This Cold Winter's Night.
This Cold Winter's Night.
This Cold Winter's Night.


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1171393 - 11/21/20 05:16 AM Re: Winter Night ( Rewrite) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,065
Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Gary
I thank you for your suggestions.
I have changed the tense and altered words here and there
Regards
Jihn


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1171603 - 11/24/20 06:01 PM Re: Winter Night ( Rewrite) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 586
Leanne Marchand Offline
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Leanne Marchand  Offline
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Morgantown IN
This is a fine romantic song. Reminds me of the first night I spent at the cabin with my husband. Only suggestion I have is to take out a few more words:

With our arms 'round each other so tight
Shivering, we laugh on this cold winter's night

We draw the curtains soon as we close the door
Firewood crackles demanding more
I rub your frozen fingers that turned white
I'm lost in your deep brown eyes on this cold winter's night

So happy for this love that we've found
Treading carefully this second time around

As the last embers died and it approached daylight
Our love burned so bright on this cold winter's night or No one I'd rather be with on this cold winter's night



But I don't know the melody you have in mind for it, and besides, what do I know? I know when I write, I love my words I've worked so hard to come up with, inner rhymes, alliterations, etc., and I hate to part with them. I tend to be very wordy when I write and always have to cut a lot out. Sometimes I have enough words and ideas crammed into one song that I could make three songs out of it, especially when I haven't written in a while.

#1171655 - 11/25/20 08:26 PM Re: Winter Night ( Rewrite) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,987
Gary E. Andrews Online content
Gary E. Andrews  Online Content

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I call those times when I haven't written in a while 'fallow' periods, like a field the farmer doesn't plant one year, letting the grass and weeds grow, fixing nitrogen in the soil, so it will be ready for a crop again in the second year.
I often write long, wordy Songs coming out of the fallow period, just enjoying wordplay, letting the story go where it needs to go to find THE Hook, and a satisfactory denouement.
They may be too long for radio, more Singer-Song-Writer style than singalong pop hit, but they serve a function.
Ideally though, if you want other people to sing your Songs, they need to be short, short Lines, in prosody with interesting Melody, tempo, percussive vocalization, on the beat, memorable, memorizable, singable. Sometimes you'll hear a singer rushing to get all the words into a space, or altering the natural accented syllables of a word to match up to a Rhythm dictated by that Line in other Verses.
Getting some of the words out of the mouth of the singer, so they have time to breathe, so they can enunciate and communicate the other words, can be beneficial.
Especially egregious is the 'connector' 'and'. Singers don't enunciate the 'a', leaving the 'nd' to slur into the next word. Listeners are distracted figuring out what that word was, so they're not paying attention fully in the rest of the Line. e.g., 'and I' becomes 'ndi', and may sound like 'die'. I've seen Lyrics with a half dozen 'But's, lots of 'And's and too many 'Cause's. Writers use them to connect ideas, but listeners may not need them to 'get' what the Line is communicating. It's a Song-Writer's judgment call. Sometimes we're locked in for that word's setup for the Rhythm and Rhyme that follow. It's always your Song. You, as the first listener, get to make the call. I always recommend checking to see how you like it without them.


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1171680 - 11/26/20 03:15 PM Re: Winter Night ( Rewrite) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,065
Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Leanne and Gary
I thank you for your in depth comments.
I have done a rewrite which I will post soon.
I do appreciate your time and ideas and hope I ve incorporated some of them.
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1172465 - 12/16/20 12:53 AM Re: Winter Night ( Rewrite) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 767
Steve Altonian Online content
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Steve Altonian  Online Content
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Hey Travis, love alot of this...

Question: Why the different Rhyme scheme in verse 1 with all 4 lines Rhyming versus VS 2 & 3 which alternate?

Didn't like the Arms "wound" at all line. Just doesn't seem to fit the mood

LEANNS suggestion to me is a big improvement

"With our arms 'round each other so tight"

I would look at her suggestion and also maybe look at your vs 1 Rhyme scheme to match 2 & 3


Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
#1172476 - 12/16/20 09:34 AM Re: Winter Night ( Rewrite) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
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Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Steve these are the rhymes in the 3 verse endings,more syllables but they're all the same scheme?
John

White
Moonlight
Tight
Night
verse 1

-------
Doors
More
White
Night
V2
---------
Found
Around
Daylight
Night
V3
--------------

Last edited by Travis david; 12/16/20 09:36 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1172479 - 12/16/20 11:41 AM Re: Winter Night ( Rewrite) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 767
Steve Altonian Online content
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Steve Altonian  Online Content
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Posts: 767
Los Angeles, California
Originally Posted by Travis david
Steve these are the rhymes in the 3 verse endings,more syllables but they're all the same scheme?
Joh


White RHYME "A"
Moonlight RHYME "A"
Tight. RHYME "A"
Night RHYME "A"
verse 1

-------
Doors. RHYME "A"
More RHYME "A"
White RHYME "B"
Night RHYME "B"
V2
---------
Found RHYME "A"
Around. RHYME "A"
Daylight. RHYME "B"
Night. RHYME "B"
V3
--------------


Hi Travis,

You are using an AAAA (Monorhyme) scheme for vs 1 and an AABB (four lines into two rhymed couplets) scheme for the other 2 verses...Verse 1 is all A because everything rhymes with "ight"

Your other 2 verses are AABB because there are 2 rhyme schemes in each. "OR" & "IGHT" in vs 2 and "OUND" & "IGHT" in vs.3







Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
#1172498 - 12/17/20 04:09 AM Re: Winter Night ( Rewrite) [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,065
Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Posts: 12,065
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Thanks for your help and suggestions Steve.
I do have a melody for this,which seems to work and
it's in the contemporary folk genre as many of mine are.
The lyric does need a rewrite and it's very much work in progress
Perhaps In a couple of months it might be on the MP.
Cheers
John

Last edited by Travis david; 12/17/20 04:11 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

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