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#1171559 - 11/23/20 08:26 PM No, Yeah  
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 586
Leanne Marchand Offline
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Leanne Marchand  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 586
Morgantown IN
No, Yeah

I try to tell my story
You steal all my glory
You like your own voice
But I do have a choice
Are you listening
Or are you just waiting to talk

Iím afraid if I stayed here
Iíd become mute
You'd think thatís cute but
No, youíre not the one
Yeah, Iíd say we are done

You put me on the shelf
All attention on yourself.
Iím here until Iím not
You donít realize what youíve got
Are you seeing me
Or am I just reflecting you

Iím afraid if I stayed here
Iíd disappear
Itís quite clear that
No, youíre not the one
Yeah, Iíd say we are done

You donít hang with anyone
You donít have any fun
I donít mean to be mean
But your life is so routine
Are you living
Or are you just waiting to die

Iím afraid if I stayed here
Iíd turn to stone
Got to leave you alone Ďcause
No, youíre not the one
Yeah, Iíd say we are done.

(c) Leanne Marchand 2020


Last edited by Leanne Marchand; 11/24/20 04:57 PM.
#1171573 - 11/24/20 09:36 AM Re: No, Yeah [Re: Leanne Marchand]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 1,008
9ne Online content
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9ne  Online Content
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Posts: 1,008
N.E. of Toronto
Some good stuff here. It may be better if there was more of a story line progression from beginning to end rather than a list of complaints.
Best!
Mike


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=170948

I think what makes satan so attractive to others is
that he tastes like chocolate...
....and he played real drums
#1171576 - 11/24/20 10:07 AM Re: No, Yeah [Re: Leanne Marchand]  
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 586
Leanne Marchand Offline
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Leanne Marchand  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 586
Morgantown IN
I see your point. Thanks for the feedback, Mike!

#1171587 - 11/24/20 11:25 AM Re: No, Yeah [Re: Leanne Marchand]  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 10,893
John Voorpostel Offline
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John Voorpostel  Offline
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Posts: 10,893
Good advice from Mike.

Perhaps take a different angle. Totally explore how guys don't listen....not via complaints...but maybe what it is they are missing

Auntie was arrested for a DUI, Jimmy spent the night with .... but mix the gossip with other perhaps more serious things

"This is what you're missing, when you aren't listening" could then be the hook. Play into male stereotypes...

Good luck with it


If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop

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#1171590 - 11/24/20 01:27 PM Re: No, Yeah [Re: Leanne Marchand]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,987
Gary E. Andrews Online content
Gary E. Andrews  Online Content

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Posts: 1,987
Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
(Interesting. Notes below.)

"No, Yeah" (c) 2020 by Leanne Marchand

I try to tell my story (Very 'happening now', present tense.)
You steal all my glory
You like your own voice
But I do have a choice
Are you listening
Or are you just waiting to talk
(Those 'Hard Rhymes' to start, 'story/glory' and 'voice/choice' then two Un-Rhymed Lines, made me expect that as a pattern in other Verses. VII does it. Well done. Sometimes we set a trap for ourselves and have difficulty Repeating the pattern.

Iím afraid if I stayed here ('stayed' starts to go past tense. 'stay' might keep it in the 'here and now' perception)
Iíd become mute ('I'll')
Youíd think thatís cute but ('You'll)
No, youíre not the one
Yeah, Iíd say we are done

You put me on the shelf
All attention on yourself.
Iím here until Iím not
You donít realize what youíve got
Are you seeing me
Or am I just reflecting you

Iím afraid if I stay here (Ideally a Chorus Repeats identically. This is a Singer-Song-Writer style though, and can work with variation.)
Iíll disappear (The abstract Rhyme-Scheme can work too, I think.)
Itís quite clear that
No, youíre not the one
Yeah, Iíd say we are done

You donít hang with anyone (This Stanza could be a Bridge, a Melody of its own, not a Verse or Chorus, more emotionally urgent.)
You donít have any fun
I donít mean to be mean
But your life is so routine
Are you living
Or are you just waiting to die
(This very conversational confrontation has a certain appeal, a perceptible persona of the Singer-Character pulling no punches to communicate to the Love-Interest Character that she's no longer interested, if these are the parameters of the relationship. I think many people will identify with that moment when one makes a decision about a relationship. A Bridge serves the function of breaking the monotony of Repetition, enabling a final giving of the Chorus, a Repeat which the ear welcomes back after the Bridge.)

Iím afraid if I stay here
Iíll turn to stone
Got to leave you alone Ďcause
No, youíre not the one
Yeah, Iíd say we are done.

(There's poetic license in the titling. Usually a title is the main idea and is Repeated. Here it's a more intellectual experience to 'get' that title, a more subtle, more abstract way. I think it works Leanne.)


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1171599 - 11/24/20 04:47 PM Re: No, Yeah [Re: John Voorpostel]  
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 586
Leanne Marchand Offline
Top 500 Poster
Leanne Marchand  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 586
Morgantown IN
Thank you for your input, John. I will consider your suggestions.

#1171600 - 11/24/20 04:51 PM Re: No, Yeah [Re: Leanne Marchand]  
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 586
Leanne Marchand Offline
Top 500 Poster
Leanne Marchand  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 586
Morgantown IN
Thank you, Gary, for taking the time to give me such an in depth critique. I really appreciate it! I especially like your suggestion about making the third verse a bridge.


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