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#1170488 - 10/31/20 08:09 AM Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons  
Joined: Nov 2018
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https://soundcloud.com/d-j-simons-1/tell-me-what-you-were-thinking-of

This is the first song I've posted here. I've been writing a long time. I just want to see what other songwriters are doing and add my two cent's worth once in a while.
Also, let me know how I can help to support our cause. 'll make my first donation later today too)! smile

Thank you all for letting me in here. Thanks, Dan

Here are the lyrics to "Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of":

Girl, when I look into your eyes, I see
that you're not thinking about me.
When your eyes could hypnotize me, I thought I fell in love.
Tell me what you were thinking of.

Don't you remember I can read your thoughts?
Didn't you think that you'd get caught?
When your eyes could hypnotize me, I thought I fell in love.
Tell me what you were thinking of.

(Instrumental)

Now that you've heard all that I have to say,
you turn your head and look away...
When your eyes could hypnotize me, I thought I fell in love.
Tell me what you were thinking of.

#1170502 - 10/31/20 11:36 AM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: DanielSimons]  
Joined: Dec 2006
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Gary E. Andrews Offline
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Cut the Introductory Movement in half. We often need to run through it twice to hit our cue to start the vocal. Hitting it after one time through can shorten the time by ten or eleven seconds, better for radio.

It's rough, but time and performance can polish it.


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1170514 - 11/01/20 07:30 AM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: Gary E. Andrews]  
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Thank you for the feedback, Gary. I will certainly take your advice. I'm not actually a performer. I'm just write songs and make demos. But I do understand the need to polish my demos too. Thanks again, sir. - Dan

#1170558 - 11/02/20 04:05 PM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: DanielSimons]  
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Hi Daniel and welcome!

I like the melody lines and the lyrics.
The guitar riff is good - maybe needs a bit of a break somewhere.
I found the track very loud/brickwalled and I feel the emotional connection suffers because of this.
As they say, maybe the song would benefit from some "light and shade" (dynamics)
Feel free to ignore if you don't agree grin

Paul

#1170675 - 11/06/20 12:38 AM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: DanielSimons]  
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Daniel,

First off, welcome to the Forum. Things are a bit slow these days, but there are still a few of us around, LOL!

As for the song, l love the guitar riff, the vocal is solid, and it has a whole Beatles feel to me . . . a good thing. For me, it’s needs some refinement on the production side of things. As Paul mentioned, it’s a bit abrasive as it stands, and, yes, it drains the killer mood this song would otherwise have. I’d also dial back on some of the effects. Do a reverse SpinalTap and dial it down from 11 . . . and you’ll really have something here. Like the tune a ton!!

All my best,

Deej

#1170976 - 11/11/20 05:11 PM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: PaulCanuck]  
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Hi Paul,

I actually entirely agree. I pretty much consider it a demo, really. I know it needs a bunch of tweaking and I'm kinda at the point, though,
where I'm in a bit of a "Deer-in-the-headlights" mode. I know it needs what you're suggesting and I'm here to get opinions such as yours.
I'd be a fool to ignore opinions I'm soliciting. (Even if I am anyway smile ).

Thank you very much for your feedback,

Dan

#1170977 - 11/11/20 05:23 PM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: Deej56]  
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Hi Deej,

First of all, it's nice to meet you and Paul. I'm very happy to be here. I write stuff and I record stuff, and it seems like I then
put them in a shoebox and put the shoebox in my attic to collect cobwebs. smile

Anyway, thank you for the compliments.

I get what you're saying regarding the abrasiveness. I have a tendency to lean (heavily) towards hard drums and harsh acoustic guitar work.
In fact, I'm trying to buy a Taylor Baritone 8-string guitar for this reason. So, it sounds like I'm tailoring the song to the sound that I enjoy rather
than present the song as it needs to be presented.

But, that's why I'm here - I'm too close to it and I need your opinion.

Thanks a lot, Deej. I need to check out yours and Paul's stuff when I can clear a path from my day job. smile

Dan

#1171105 - 11/14/20 10:25 PM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: DanielSimons]  
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E Swartz Online content
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Daniel,

I feel like I'm listening to a song written by George Harrison after his influence from his Eastern experience. This type of song which has an almost "discordant" melody is cool........but difficult to pull off without a great production team. I think you've done a decent job given the melody etc. I think you could improve your vocal track with some both effects and more unique vocal stylization perhaps. This could be a neat song as a album filler, but not a song that grabs one quickly. I admire your music art-form however, and welcome to JPF.

Enjoyed your music,

steady-eddie

#1171156 - 11/16/20 07:46 AM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: DanielSimons]  
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Hi Steady-Eddie,

To be in the same sentence as George Harrison is a great compliment. Thank you for the kinds words also, for the work I've done on this.
My vocals for this and any song I've written , really, sometimes discourage me and I get away from writing for a day or so. I'm not a performer
and I only sing the songs so that they can come to life and then I consider them demos. I wait until there's nobody in my house to record them, so I
did this in two takes within about 15 minutes. I added some effects and I'm happier with it, but not thrilled. I tried to do another take subsequently,
but I couldn't come close to doing the way it is here, so, for now, at least, this is my best attempt. I've got a bunch of work to do now, based on yours
and the other people in this thread have given me. Improvement of the vocals is certainly a priority.

Thanks again for your feedback, Steady-Eddie. It's a great help to me.

Dan

#1171169 - 11/16/20 01:15 PM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: DanielSimons]  
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Gavin Sinclair Online content
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Gavin Sinclair  Online Content
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I get the George Harrison thing too smile I agree that you need to dial it back a bit as far as the recording volume is concerned - at least I think that's what's causing that fuzzy sound. I'm not great at the production stuff, but I assume that's what's Paul means by "brickwalled." I think the song is good enough to deserve that extra work smile

I like the lyric. Very focused and with a nice visual quality centered on the eyes.

Oh, and welcome!

#1171177 - 11/16/20 03:11 PM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: DanielSimons]  
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Hindsight is always 20/20 and it's easy to be a critic lol... Everything I do is a rough draft as well. I think the melody you sing over this chord progression is fantastic, and the overall mood definitely fits the lyric. Some very cool potential here, nice job! smile

#1171257 - 11/18/20 05:06 PM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: Gavin Sinclair]  
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Hi Gavin. Hopefully, I can channel George Harrison someday and really come up with something. smile Yeah, I agree. I do tend to try to make my recordings too loud. The feedback certainly highlights that. I'm working on dialing it back now. Thank you for the compliments. I tried hard to get the right idea with the lyrics to show the different moods the singer is seeing in her eyes, from what he's seeing now, to what he used to see, to the now again, where she can't look into his eyes to face the truth. The amazing thing that I find about songwriting is that we can sometimes tell a whole story in a couple of dozen words. (But, I do think the melody and backing music sometimes tell a story all by themselves).

Thank you very much for your feedback, Gavin. And it's nice to me you.

Dan

#1171258 - 11/18/20 05:15 PM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: JAPOV]  
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Hi JAPOV, When I solicit feedback, I don't have the hindsight because I'm not far enough ahead to see what's behind me yet. smile So, I appreciate your feedback. Part of my problem recording is that I do it when I have the house to myself - usually one night a week and I have to squeeze recording time into those few hours. If i don't have issues with my recording equipment and can focus on the recording (rather than resolving equipment issues), I sometimes get lucky and I'm happy with the recording. So now that I've posted this here, I'm ready to use your encouragement and your feedback as well as the feedback from the others here to make it better.

I can't thank you enough for taking your time to help me out and your compliments. And it's nice to meet you!

Dan

#1171450 - 11/22/20 01:14 PM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: DanielSimons]  
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Douglas Murphy Offline
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Welcome Daniel. I will first off say that I also hear the influence of Harrison. Great job on that. Then I will agree the other's. "Ruff" but full of potential. smile

Douglas


"Is this a practice? They are all practices." John Denver

www.soundclick.com/dougmurphy

Skype Contact: douglas.murphy8
#1171624 - 11/25/20 08:23 AM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: Douglas Murphy]  
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Nice to meet you, Douglas. Yeah, I loved George's music and sense of humor. I certainly was influenced by him. Thank you for the nice reference to him. I know it's rough, but it's basically a demo and my first run at recording it so that it comes to life. Based on everybody's feedback, I've started polishing it. smile

Thanks again, for taking the time to give me your feedback!

Dan

#1171941 - 12/02/20 10:13 AM Re: Tell Me What You Were Thinking Of by Daniel Simons [Re: DanielSimons]  
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Hi guys,

Well, I took everyone's advice and I redid everything except the vocals (it's really hard for me to get that done - I'll fix that when the instrument work done). I compared the first version with the new one and I'm much happier with it. Now, the first version sounds to me like a caveman created it. Anyway, thank you all again for your feedback. here is Rev 1:

https://soundcloud.com/d-j-simons-1/tell-me-what-you-were-thinking-of-2

Thanks,

Dan


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