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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/05/24 01:49 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3 |
Hey all ...
just found this site - pretty cool!
I personally find it difficult to critique a lyric w/no melody - just the same I'd be curious to hear some opinions on the lyrics of this tune ...
TALK ABOUT LOVE
Eric Landes
(c) 2000
I was a pitiful,sorry excuse for a man
I was someone with no-one to call a friend
Carefully planning out my next failed attempt
At whatever it might be I thought I dreamt
I was a Yo-Yo who didn't know up from down
I was that guy that no-one wants around
Sure that I had somehow missed my ship when it came in
Always wonderin' out loud "Where could I have been?"
CHORUS
But talk about your miracles
Talk about your outta the blues
Talk about your lucky for me's
'Cause baby then I found you
Talk about your "Whoa that was close"
And talk about your Holy Ghost
Talk about somebody comin' from somewhere up above
Talk about love
Talk about love
It was a simple undeniable elementary fact
I had taken a wrong turn somewhere & was never coming back
Lost in something I had wanted somewhere back in time
Too late to turn around & change my mind
It was a hopeless,helpless place to be
I laid there wishin' I was anyone else but me
Running out of reasons to pick myself back up
Running out of everything but a run of bad luck
CHORUSX2
Happy Holidays!!!
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240 |
Eric, I really like this...several good
lines imo. I see some spots where I would
add a word or delete a few for flow.....
see what you think (with your music)
i.e., first verse .3rd line...I drop out..
next line I'd add had between I dreamt.
next verse....3rd line.I'd put my ship coming in. see what others think.....
Kaley
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 286
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 286 |
Hi Eric,
I love this. The chorus is fab. I don't know what your music is, but I'm hearing it in a funky/blues groove. Well done.
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,232
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,232 |
Hi Eric, I'm hearing it the same as Char, and there's nothing I could suggest to improve what you've done, especially if you already have the music, and everything fits. Great job, like it a lot. Let's see some more...
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3 |
Kaley,Char&Judy ...
Wow! Its good to hear such positive replies - publishers aren't quite so quick to say encouraging things. I'm beginning to think it's all just a big game of who you know!
Kaley ... I put that "had" in the 4th line of the first verse - it sounds good - the rest that you mentioned I think you'd have to hear the music I have. Poor phrasing is one of my biggest critiques in songs - I really try hard not to rush lines or get way out of meter.
Thanks again for your time & insight!
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11 |
Hi Eric,
I'm late comin' in, but I like what you have so far... I think a bridge would bring it full circle. Had a great time playing with the rythm (how DO you spell that?) of the lines. Maybe recheck the wordage of the end of the chorus to the first half of V2 "..somebody comin' from somewhere..." "wrong turn somewhere.." "Lost in something I had wanted somewhere..." But then Lyle Lovett gets away with stuff like that and it works...How's the music/arrangement?
------------------
Jean
Jean
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3 |
Hey guys ... just sittin' here smoking a cigarette & eatin' some almonds (gave one to my dog but she spit it out)- just got off work bartending (which I do until I, ya know, "make it") So I'm wishing that we were all sitting in a room with our guitars so we could actually HEAR each others songs - I mean "She loves me yeah yeah yeah" ... kinda hard to see the genius in that in arial font huh?!?
Anyway, I truly appreciate the time, thought & insight y'all have given to mine and everyone else's labors of love.
It's easy to feel like you're swimming around in a shipwreck sometimes ...
Jean, I grew up in Ft. Collins, CO - been in Nashville about 2 years now. Regarding the groove/ rythym (how DO you spell that?) it's very deliberate & broken through the verses and then opens up in the chorus - very Lyle Lovett esqu (how the hell do you spell THAT?) Not like I could really describe it without tabs but oh well!!!
I DO think you're right about the "wrong turn somewhere" line - workin' on that - the other lines you mentioned somehow fit with the tune.
Happy New Year!!!
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,918
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,918 |
Hmmm.....I think it's rhythm. Yeah...that's the way it goes ![[Linked Image]](http://www.justplainfolks.org/ubb/smile.gif) Happy New Year!
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,918
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,918 |
Me Again....just wonderin' if you are tendin' bar down by Tootsie's, Legend's, et al. I get to Nashville once in awhile and usually stop by all of them to see what's going on. Was there this past May/June.
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 167
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 167 |
Hi Eric, good start on this one. If you're living in Nashville, you outta know by now that your lyric has to reflect what the singer would want to identify with/or be identified with.
My suggestion would be to rewrite this one in second person, and then in third person to see if it might work more to your advantage. Rewrites of this nature generally turn up some pretty good alternatives. It will probably give you fits in the chorus, but will also allow you to maybe expand the thoughts and feeling into something even stronger.
Give it a go and see what develops. Good luck and keep pluggin'.
Chris
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Top 30 Poster
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Top 30 Poster
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712 |
The perfect lyric. It starts out bad and ends up good.
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Joined: May 2012
Posts: 63
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 63 |
Compared to other songs I saw from you and from reading everyone else's feedback, despite having not much to say as an under-experienced lyricist, this definitely has the complexity where you need to hear the song to see if it works. It could use a bridge and needs to have more of a structured rhythm you can follow right away. Just curious if you can get the feel from the somewhat-catchy hook of my latest song, and you can critique if you feel like it: http://www.jpfolks.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/1120712/all-we-have-is-now.html#Post1120712Do you have a useful mp3 I can hear from a link that's on your webpage? thanks Best, Chelsea
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 18
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 18 |
I love your chorus and your choice of words except the word
talk about your holy ghost is the only line that does not sound right to me.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 19,580 Likes: 13
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
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Posts: 19,580 Likes: 13 |
Brian Austin Whitney Founder Just Plain Folks jpfolkspro@gmail.com Skype: Brian Austin Whitney Facebook: www.facebook.com/justplainfolks"Don't sit around and wait for success to come to you... it doesn't know the way." -Brian Austin Whitney "It's easier to be the bigger man when you actually are..." -Brian Austin Whitney "Sometimes all you have to do to inspire humans to greatness is to give them a reason and opportunity to do something great." -Brian Austin Whitney
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 134
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 134 |
I think that a lot of us hit this stage sometime in our life, its a good story-line, nice work.
Just a writer of words
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 329
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 329 |
Hi, I like the idea/ title,but I'd like see more imagery in the lines, from line one the singer has shown all his cards imo,
kind like
I went from a mustang to a stolen bike, etc etc,
good chorus,
all the best,john
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