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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,384
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OP
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,384 |
I am relatively new here and I thought I would ask for some opinions of lyrics from one of my songs. I'm not skilled in verse or fragments, like my songs are not. But here goes. It is about motality and the love of people that have passd, and hanging on to who we have.
Approaching Dawn
They say the mood is different at night From darkness comes light Another day in course Closer to the source
Feelings come so strong As we approach the dawn
Always comes too late Time is short yet oh, so long Bringing in the dawn Flickering light passing like bait All the souls right or wrong As they bring in dawn
Oh, I reach for your hand Slips away just like sand Hold tight and let's make it long
As we approach the dawn Beat out a full moon and let's shake the sun Oh, the coming dawn Bare it, it won't be long
(M.R. Benson)
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 43
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This song is lacking originality. The title is never sung. The images are repeated. The course/source doesn't work.
Your needle got in the groove on the word "long" - change some of them.
Time is short yet oh, so long
Hold tight and let's make it long
Bare it, it won't be long
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,384
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OP
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Thank you for your reply. I do have trouble getting too personal in my songs to be original. I would get over indulgant.I take it, that is what you meant by it not being original. I did'nt quite know what you meant by "Bare it, won't be long", sticking in the groove. Because I stick different things in the chorus for my songs not to be repetative. Then again, I did this in a sequence of a song and I have not learned how to write yet. I do the music first. If I do the lyrics first I can not help it coming off like the singing was forced.
Anyway, thanks for the comments.
Matt
[This message has been edited by My Name? (edited 06-27-2005).]
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Joined: Jun 2005
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From further examination of what you said, the "long" part may have been what you meant meant by it sticking to. Which I often do with lyrics to invoke feeling. I also do not add the chorus in some of my tracks so the song has an overall meaning. I ad-lib a lot as I play.
Thank you for giving me something to ponder.
Matt
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 43
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A BREAKABLE rule is to have one chorus. But sometimes even I have two Choruses. But a great rule is not to repeat a word that ISN'T in the TITLE. You wrote this line" Bare it, it won't be long. The line may also be spelled wrong. Did you mean, bear it?
Well, I want you to pretend that you are a great designer and you just designed the best wedding dress in the world. Would you run around trying to find a girl to fit it? Find the model first. Then design the dress.
Fitting words to a melody robs you of your artistic lyrical freedom and creates peculiar structures.
The story determines the melody's structure.
Tell a great lyrical story and a beautiful melody will follow.
Title First [make sure it's sung].
Chorus first. [Ideally].
Now give it the 60 rewrites to make every line IMPORTANT!
I have been to Duluth. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
[This message has been edited by BigAppleLyricist (edited 06-28-2005).]
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