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Hi I have only posted on this forum once before, that was several years ago. I have co-written several songs they live on www.broadjam.com/lyricsII'm looking for some feedback on a new set of lyrics that I wrote. Any positive constructive suggestions would be appreciated. Song - Cupid got Mad. Verse 1. I just can't believe, (5) What is goin' on. (5) The Sun, the Moon and all the stars, (8) Are singin' your sweet love song.(7) Chorus. What did you do to me, Girl, I've got it bad. I was playing the field. When old Cupid got mad. Verse 2. He fired your love arrow, (6) Straight into my heart. (5) Now I'm thinkin’ of wedding rings, (8) And hopin' we'ill never part.(7) Chorus. What did you do to me, Girl, I've got it bad. I was playing the field. When old Cupid got mad. Bridge. Now I know what they mean, When they say, A true love match is made, In Heaven each day. (Instrumental) Chorus. What did you do to me, Girl, I've got it bad. I was playing the field. When old Cupid got mad. Yes, I was playing the field, When old Cupid got mad. Copyright © 2020. Ross Mabey. Written July 5th 2020.
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It doesn't seem to 'flow' well, Rhythm, and 'hit' the beat well with Rhyme. Short Lines, don't have much to work with in that regard, and not 'hearing' the Melody you intend leaves me to 'get' it from reading. If you're writing the Lyric without an instrument, or without singing the Lyric to a Melody as you write, it may get out of Rhythm, just Rhyming and even trying to keep the number of syllables/notes in a pattern. Melody can lift a Lyric to a more interesting appeal. Your Lyric doesn't say a lot. Lines 1 and 2 in Verse I don't say much. It's a short Verse so they don't need to. Lines 3 and 4 begin to set up for the Chorus and the 'explanation' that it's the 'Cupid' concept. Would Verse II work as Verse I? Sometimes the 'set-up' can be clearer, earlier, and be more effective. I'm wondering whether the word 'old' in the Line about 'old Cupid' is necessary. Overall length of the Song will probably be short, which is advantageous for radio play, leaving more time for commercial ads that pay the bills. If it's 'catchy' enough it could be a Valentine's Day perennial, earning Royalties each year.
Song - Cupid got Mad.
Verse I. I just can't believe, (5) What is goin' on. (5) The Sun, the Moon and all the stars, (8) are singin' your sweet love song.(7)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad! I was playing the field, When old Cupid Got Mad!
Verse II. He fired your love arrow, (6) Straight into my heart. (5) Now I'm thinkin’ of wedding rings, (8) And hopin' we'll never part.(7)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad! I was playing the field, When old Cupid Got Mad.
Bridge. Now I know what they mean, When they say, A true love match is made, In Heaven each day.
(Instrumental)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad! I was playing the field, When old Cupid Got Mad! (Coda) Yes, I was playing the field, When old Cupid Got Mad.
Copyright © 2020. Ross Mabey. Written July 5th 2020.
Verse I/II flip: Verse I. Cupid fired your love arrow, (7) Straight into my heart. (5) Now I'm thinkin’ of wedding rings, (8) And hopin' we'll never part.(7)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad! I was playing the field, When Cupid Got Mad! (Delete 'old'?)
Verse II. I just can't believe, (5) (New Line here, structured like VI Line 1. Cupid 3 4 5 6 7)(Cupid's arrow's showing me) What is goin' on. (5) (New Line here, 5 syll/notes, Rhyming 'song'. long, wrong.)(what I'm doing wrong.) The Sun, the Moon and all the stars, (8) are singin' your sweet love song.(7)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad! I was playing the field, When Cupid Got Mad.
Bridge. (Bridge seems a little awkward too, Rhythm-wise. Could you delete 'Now'? Could it be shorter? Just enough to do the 'turn'.) Now I know what they mean, When they say, A true love match is made, In Heaven each day.
(Instrumental)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad! I was playing the field, When Cupid Got Mad! (Coda) Yes, I was playing the field, When Cupid Got Mad.
There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
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Hi Gary, , Thank you for your positive, constructive feedback. I willgive it some thought overnight.
Ross.
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Ross, it now occurs to me that Cupid acting out of anger is at odds with the concept of his arrow's intent being to inspire love. Here's another option.
Copyright © 2020. Ross Mabey. Written July 5th 2020.
"Cupid Got Me"
Verse I/II flip: Verse I. Cupid fired your love arrow, (7) Straight into my heart. (5) Now I'm thinkin’ of wedding rings, (8) And hopin' we'll never part.(7)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I was running free! I was playing the field, When Cupid Got Me!
Verse II. Cupid's arrow's showing me (7) what I'm doing wrong. (5) The Sun, the Moon and all the stars, (8) are singin' your sweet love song.(7)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I was running free! I was playing the field, When Cupid Got Me! . Bridge. (Bridge seems a little awkward too, Rhythm-wise. Could you delete 'Now'? Could it be shorter? Just enough to do the 'turn'.) Now I know what they mean, When they say, A true love match is made, In Heaven each day.
(Instrumental)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I was running free! I was playing the field, When Cupid Got Me!
(Coda) Yes, I was running free, When Cupid Got Me!
There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
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Gary, There seems t be a conflict between the chorus nd the second verse.Was it "wrong" to be running "free." I added "and was acting the fool."Perhaps this was this was the reason Cupid Got Mad.
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I was running FREE, Was playing the field, and acting the fool, When Cupid Got Mad
Verse II. Cupid's arrow's showing me (7) what I'm doing WRONG. (5) The Sun, the Moon and all the stars, (8) are singin' your sweet love song.(7)
Ross.
Copyright © 2020. Ross Mabey. Written July 5th 2020.
"Cupid Got Mad"
Verse I/II flip: Verse I. Cupid fired your love arrow, (7) Straight into my heart. (5) Now I'm thinkin’ of wedding rings, (8) And hopin' we'll never part.(7)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I was running free. Was playing the field, and acting the fool, When Cupid Got Mad.
Verse II. Cupid's arrow's showing me (7) what I'm doing wrong. (5) The Sun, the Moon and all the stars, (8) are singin' your sweet love song.(7)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I was running free. Was playing the field, and acting the fool, When Cupid Got Mad.
Bridge. (Bridge seems a little awkward too, Rhythm-wise. Could you delete 'Now'? Could it be shorter? Just enough to do the 'turn'.) Now I know what they mean, When they say, A true love match is made, In Heaven each day.
(Instrumental)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I was running free. was playing the field, and acting the fool, When Cupid Got Mad!
(Coda) Yes, I was running free, and acting the fool, When Cupid Got Mad.
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Joined: Dec 2006
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Ah! There's a logic to that!
There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
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Gary, I know it doesn't ryme properly.will fix it.
Ross.
Verse I/II flip: Verse I. Cupid fired your love arrow, (7) Straight into my heart. (5) Now I'm thinkin’ of wedding rings, (8) And hopin' we'll never part.(7)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I was running free. Was playing the field, and acting the fool, When Cupid Got Me..
Verse II. Cupid's arrow's showing me (7) what I'm doing wrong. (5) The Sun, the Moon and all the stars, (8) are singin' your sweet love song.(7)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I was running free. Was playing the field, and acting the fool, When Cupid Got Me...
Bridge. (Bridge seems a little awkward too, Rhythm-wise. Could you delete 'Now'? Could it be shorter? Just enough to do the 'turn'.) Now I know what they mean, When they say, A true love match is made, In Heaven each day.
(Instrumental)
Chorus. What did you do to me? Girl, I was running free. Was playing the field, and acting the fool, When Cupid Got Me..
(Coda) Yes, I was running free, and acting the fool, When Cupid Got Me..
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Joined: Nov 2016
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Gary thanks for your help.
Ross.
, Song - Cupid Got Mad.
Copyright © 2020. Ross Mabey. Written July 5th 2020.
Verse I/II flip: Verse I. Cupid fired your love arrow, (7) Straight into my heart. (5) Now I'm thinkin’ of wedding rings, (8) And hopin' we'll never part.(7)
Chorus What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad.. Was playing the field, and acting lthe fool, When Cupid Got Mad.
Verse II. Cupid' was tryin' to say, (7) That I'm doing wrong. (5) While the Sun, the Moon and the stars, (8) are singin' your sweet love song.(7)
Chorus What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad.. Was playing the field, and acting lthe fool, When Cupid Got Mad.
Bridge. II know what they mean when they say, A true love match is made, In Heaven each day, Yes, there are no more games t play.
(Instrumental)
Chorus What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad.. Was playing the field, and acting lthe fool, When Cupid Got Mad.
(Coda) )Yes, I was playing the field, and acting lthe fool, When Cupid Got Mad.
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Gary, for your Thanks agani your help.
Ross,r
Song - Cupid got Mad.
Verse I. Cupid fired your love arrow, (7) Straight into my heart. (5) Now I'm thinkin’ of wedding rings, (8) And hopin' we'll never part.(7)
Chorus What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad. Was playing the field, and acting foolishly, When Cupid Got Mad.
Verse 2. It was Cupid's way to say (7) I'm doin' you wrong. (5) While the Sun, the Moon and the stars, (8) are singin' your sweet love song.(7)
Chorus What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad.. Was playing the field, and acting foolishly, When Cupid Got Mad.
Bridge. I know what they mean when they say, A true love match is made, In Heaven each day, And we'll soon discover, our own new games to play.
(Instrumental)
Chorus What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad. Was playing the field, and acting foolishly, When Cupid Got Mad.
(Coda) Yes, I was playing the field, and acting foolishly, When Cupid Got Mad.
Copyright © 2020. Ross Mabey. Written July 5th 2020.
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Posts: 162
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Gary,
Thanks again for your help.
Ross
Song - Cupid got Mad.
Verse I. Cupid fired your love arrow, (7) Straight into my heart. (5) Now I'm thinkin’ of wedding rings, (8) And hopin' we'll never part.(7)
Chorus What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad. Was playing the field, and acting foolishly, When Cupid Got Mad.
Verse 2. Cupid's arrow's showing me (7) I'm doing you wrong. (5) While the Sun, the Moon and the stars, (8) are singin' your sweet love song.(7)
Chorus What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad.. Was playing the field, and acting foolishly, When Cupid Got Mad.
Bridge. I know what they mean when they say, A true love match is made, In Heaven each day,
(Instrumental)
Chorus What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad. Was playing the field, and acting foolishly, When Cupid Got Mad.
(Coda) Yes, I was playing the field, and acting foolishly, When Cupid Got Mad.
Copyright © 2020. Ross Mabey. Written July 5th 2020.
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Posts: 162
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Final version
Song - Cupid got Mad.
Verse I. Cupid fired your love arrow, (7) Straight into my heart. (5) Now I'm thinkin’ of wedding rings, (8) And hopin' we'll never part.(7)
Chorus What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad. Was playing the field, and acting the fool, When Cupid Got Mad.
Verse 2. Cupid's arrow's showing me (7) I'm doing you wrong. (5) While the Sun, the Moon and the stars, (8) are singin' your sweet love song.(7)
Chorus What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad.. Was playing the field, and acting the fool, When Cupid Got Mad.
Bridge. I know what they mean when they say, A true love match is made, In Heaven each day,
(Instrumental)
Chorus What did you do to me? Girl, I've got it bad. Was playing the field, and acting the fool, When Cupid Got Mad.
(Coda) Yes,, Girl, I 've got it bad. Was playing the field, When Cupid Got Mad.
Copyright © 2020. Ross Mabey. Written July 5th 2020.
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