14 members (ckiphen, Fdemetrio, Gary E. Andrews, Gavin Sinclair, Bill Draper, Guy E. Trepanier, couchgrouch, Everett Adams, 4 invisible),
925
guests, and
343
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/05/24 01:49 PM
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
Thanks to John for his chorus ideas which I use The lyric is set in the early 70s
What did you do in the war dad? v Street after street were torn down Till there was no heartbeat for a mile around v Homes,shops,schools weren't repreaved decimated by fools with plans ill conceived
c What did you do in the war dad? Son we stood for what we believed so no bugger could take what we've earned with families we needed to feed Then why have they taken our home away? When non of us wanted to leave? What did they do after the war dad son,they took away all we acheived
V Dwell on the past bath in memories Treasure old friends while your mind can still see B2 Once flames danced chimney's smoked Frozen limbs warmed wood crackled and spoke when the homefires burned before the chain was broke
c What did you do in the war dad? Son we stood for what we believed so no bugger could take what we've earned with families we needed to feed Then why have they taken our home away? When non of us wanted to leave? What did they do after the war dad son,they took away all we acheived
Last edited by Travis david; 07/14/20 05:23 AM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
This one is about my home city, Salford. Formerly in the county of Lancashire. It was once an industrial area situated near another thriving city, Manchester. In the 70s the planners decimated my city, pulling down, homes school, shops churches etc This was in the guise of progress John
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4,400
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4,400 |
This one is about my home city, Salford. Formerly in the county of Lancashire. It was once an industrial area situated near another thriving city, Manchester. In the 70s the planners decimated my city, pulling down, homes school, shops churches etc This was in the guise of progress John
Hi John, This looks like a protest song to me! I like it, except the chorus to me is a little confusing at the end. A little suggestion, KOS What did you do in the war dad? Son we stood for what we believed so no bugger could take what we've earned with families we needed to feed Then why have they taken our home away? When non of us wanted to leave? What did they do after the war dad son,they took away all we acheived
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 2,144 Likes: 26
Top 200 Poster
|
Top 200 Poster
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 2,144 Likes: 26 |
I'll be honest, John. this is not one of my favorite lyrics from you. It seems all over the place and the bit about churches and Christmas seems incongruous like you are just heading off on a generalized rant and losing focus. Some of the language seems a little stilted and unnatural, like: "Homes,shops, schools weren't reprieved decimated by fools with plans ill conceived"
I like John S's suggestion. Those are my favorite lines.
I can connect with the anger at those arrogant and idiotic planners. I recently found out that Princes Street in Edinburgh, one of the world's great streets came close to being demolished in the sixties as part of a boneheaded modernistic scheme. Several beautiful buildings were lost before the outrage from the locals finally stopped it. It seems amazing today that anyone even considered it.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
Hi Gavin I suppose it is a rant albeit a factual rant. The Christmas reference in the first bridge can go and has been deleted, that was a soapbox job. I liked John's take and will take a further look at it. Cheers Gavin much appreciate your comments and suggestions Regards John
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
Hi John Thanks for your help I have used your take on the chorus and after seeing Gavin's comment deleted the first bridge Regards John
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 5,092 Likes: 19
Top 50 Poster
|
Top 50 Poster
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 5,092 Likes: 19 |
Yeah, it's generally a no-no to change point of view in a song, let alone change it from first line of chorus to second line.
And it probably should be the kid narrating it, or the man starting right out telling the story to the kid.
It's not even clear there was any war, or even what war it might have been.
I'm sure you can shape it up into a good song. Good start.
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 07/14/20 11:26 AM.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
Yes it needs a complete rethink Fd there's one or two lines I like but it's in need of another couple of rewrites - at least Thanks for the once over John
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,750
Posts1,161,245
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"Sometimes, the best thing you can say, isn't the easiest thing" -Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|