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#1166560 - 07/13/20 04:08 AM What did you do in the war dad? Rewrite  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,949
Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Thanks to John for his chorus ideas which I use The lyric is set in the early 70s


What did you do in the war dad?
v
Street after street
were torn down
Till there was no heartbeat
for a mile around
v
Homes,shops,schools
weren't repreaved
decimated by fools
with plans ill conceived

c
What did you do in the war dad?
Son we stood for what we believed
so no bugger could take what we've earned
with families we needed to feed
Then why have they taken our home away?
When non of us wanted to leave?
What did they do after the war dad
son,they took away all we acheived


V
Dwell on the past
bath in memories
Treasure old friends
while your mind can still see

B2
Once flames danced
chimney's smoked
Frozen limbs warmed
wood crackled and spoke
when the homefires burned
before the chain was broke

c
What did you do in the war dad?
Son we stood for what we believed
so no bugger could take what we've earned
with families we needed to feed
Then why have they taken our home away?
When non of us wanted to leave?
What did they do after the war dad
son,they took away all we acheived

Last edited by Travis david; 07/14/20 05:23 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1166566 - 07/13/20 07:20 AM Re: What did you do in the war dad? [Re: Travis david]  
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Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
This one is about my home city, Salford. Formerly in the county of Lancashire.
It was once an industrial area situated near another thriving city, Manchester.
In the 70s the planners decimated my city, pulling down, homes school, shops churches etc
This was in the guise of progress
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1166590 - 07/13/20 05:56 PM Re: What did you do in the war dad? [Re: Travis david]  
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Posts: 4,303
John W. Selleck Online content
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John W. Selleck  Online Content
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NJ
Originally Posted by Travis david
This one is about my home city, Salford. Formerly in the county of Lancashire.
It was once an industrial area situated near another thriving city, Manchester.
In the 70s the planners decimated my city, pulling down, homes school, shops churches etc
This was in the guise of progress
John

Hi John,
This looks like a protest song to me! I like it, except the chorus to me is a little confusing at the end. A little suggestion, KOS

What did you do in the war dad?
Son we stood for what we believed
so no bugger could take what we've earned
with families we needed to feed
Then why have they taken our home away?
When non of us wanted to leave?
What did they do after the war dad
son,they took away all we acheived


Have a goodun,

John W. Selleck BMI Songwriter
A day without learning is a day lost forever.

www.soundclick.com/johnsings
www.soundclick.com/johnwselleck
www.soundclick.com/johnselleck
https://www.soundclick.com/artist/default.cfm?bandID=1468958 For Selleck/Kay co-writes
#1166592 - 07/13/20 07:08 PM Re: What did you do in the war dad? [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 1,304
Gavin Sinclair Online content
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Gavin Sinclair  Online Content
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Posts: 1,304
Conover, North Carolina, USA
I'll be honest, John. this is not one of my favorite lyrics from you. It seems all over the place and the bit about churches and Christmas seems incongruous like you are just heading off on a generalized rant and losing focus. Some of the language seems a little stilted and unnatural, like:
"Homes,shops, schools
weren't reprieved
decimated by fools
with plans ill conceived"

I like John S's suggestion. Those are my favorite lines.

I can connect with the anger at those arrogant and idiotic planners. I recently found out that Princes Street in Edinburgh, one of the world's great streets came close to being demolished in the sixties as part of a boneheaded modernistic scheme. Several beautiful buildings were lost before the outrage from the locals finally stopped it. It seems amazing today that anyone even considered it.

#1166597 - 07/14/20 04:01 AM Re: What did you do in the war dad? [Re: Travis david]  
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Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Gavin
I suppose it is a rant albeit a factual rant.
The Christmas reference in the first bridge can go and has been deleted, that was a soapbox job.
I liked John's take and will take a further look at it.
Cheers Gavin much appreciate your comments and suggestions
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1166598 - 07/14/20 04:05 AM Re: What did you do in the war dad? [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
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Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi John
Thanks for your help I have used your take on the chorus and after seeing Gavin's comment deleted the first bridge
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1166606 - 07/14/20 11:24 AM Re: What did you do in the war dad? [Re: Travis david]  
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Fdemetrio Offline
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Fdemetrio  Offline
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Posts: 2,702
Yeah, it's generally a no-no to change point of view in a song, let alone change it from first line of chorus to second line.

And it probably should be the kid narrating it, or the man starting right out telling the story to the kid.

It's not even clear there was any war, or even what war it might have been.

I'm sure you can shape it up into a good song. Good start.

Last edited by Fdemetrio; 07/14/20 11:26 AM.
#1166607 - 07/14/20 11:28 AM Re: What did you do in the war dad? [Re: Fdemetrio]  
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Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Yes it needs a complete rethink Fd there's one or two lines I like but it's in need of another couple of rewrites - at least
Thanks for the once over
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

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