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It seems that some of the Rose lyric was confusing to our American readers so I did a quick rewrite. I realise though, I can never please everyone. https://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold/rose Rose ©2020 Vic Arnold V1 It was a cry in the dark for assistance and my hand grabbed a gun from the drawer footsteps ran off in the distance but a body lay still on the floor V2 To the jury my story was devious and I sure was no angel before My motive, they claimed, was insurance but I don't give a damn anymore Ch. Dark clouds may rain down but the sun wears the crown and paints up the sky 'til she glows This isn't the day today but who knows? Maybe tomorrow I will find my Rose. Yes! Maybe tomorrow I will find my Rose. V3 Some days go quicker than others Doors sometimes open, then close But between this rock and a hard place there's always room for a rose V4 I'm certain that fate holds the answer What goes around, comes back around and in the old forever after, surely, what's lost will be found Ch. Inst. Br. My heart is pounding. It's time to go, and it seems a long walk down this cold corridoor I hear a voice praying. My mind's in repose but my eyes are open to look for my Rose. Ch.
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It wasn't just the confusion, it was clumsily phrased and structured. It still is.
Just say this:
I came home and found my Rose With a lifeless look in her eyes Now, here I am on deathrow Because I had no alibi
Chorus
2nd vs
Talk about how much you miss Rose but you'll see her soon.
Bridge
Although I'm near my final repose Forever's seed is in the soul of my Rose
Tighten up that chorus.
There you have it.
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Hello Coach The write both this and the first song was 99% Vic's He kindly gave me a credit for the name Rose. Although I'd like to comment on your suggestion: I'm sure Vic will be grateful for all help but if this is a British lyric, which going by the confusion of the word PREVIOUS seems to indicate. The suggestion is flawed as their isn't a death penalty or for that matter a death row in the UK John
I came home and found my Rose With a lifeless look in her eyes Now, here I am on deathrow Because I had no alibi
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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From the lyric, I thought he was on deathrow. "The long walk down the corridor".
Unless, he's in a daycare center, substitute "prison" for "deathrow" and do something different with the bridge. Deathrow makes for a better song. There's no arc, otherwise, no act three.
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The corridor and praying of course indicate this. If so I retract my comment John
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Couch. Thanks again for the suggestion but it seems like all tell and no show and also a little trite. Maybe we should just agree to differ.
Vic
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just an idea if you are aiming at the yanks Vic
It was a cry in the dark for assistance and my hand grabbed a hold of my torch footsteps ran off in the distance but a body lay still on the porch
maybe they say flashlight though and wouldn't get it either, but they are big on porch all the best,john
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Hi John. That would assume he'd battered the girl to death with his torch thereby throwing more doubt on his plea of causing accidental death by a shot in the dark. Thanks anyway.
Vic
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no prob Vic,I misunderstood, I didn't realise the cause of death (was from his gun,)I thought he was innocent, now I'd send him down,hehe all the best,john
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John. He heard the cry so he grabbed the gun and fired. He hit the wife instead of the assailant. Her life was insured so the law said he killed her for the insurance money.
Vic
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ah right he was lying about the footsteps he heard I thought he/she was the culprit very confusing Vic, yep string him up, all the best.john
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Vic when I read the first 2 verses:
It was a cry in the dark for assistance and my hand grabbed a gun from the drawer footsteps ran off in the distance but a body lay still on the floor
To the jury my story was devious and I sure was no angel before My motive, they claimed, was insurance but I don't give a damn anymore
...I assumed he heard his mate was in trouble and grabbed a gun to get the intruder. I thought; how can they try him; ballistics would show it's not his gun that was shot! From your answers I obviously got wrong end of stick...
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Haha! John. What makes you think he was lying about the footsteps?
He hears the cry, grabs the gun and shoots, hears footsteps running away and sees the body of his wife. So he's shot his wife by mistake and the assailant gets away.
I realise the story isn't straight forward but it isn't meant to be. Who enjoys a mystery that's straight forward? All the pieces of the puzzle are there but they have to be placed in the right order.
I hope that makes it less confusing.
Vic
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Thanks for having a listen 9ne. It seems I stirred up a fair bit of confusion here. Strange, because before I posted on this site I sent the song and lyric to two friends of mine, one English and one American. I asked them if it made sense and they both said it did. I know it's possible to make a case there for the emperors new clothes but that's what they said and still maintain. Maybe, songwriters think things differently.
You are right in thinking he grabbed his gun to shoot the intruder but in the darkness he shot Rose instead so it was his gun.
Vic
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Hi Vic,
Travis should be mad because you killed off his innocent little rose. It never had a chance. Other than this clear injustice perpetrated upon Travis and his rose...
I loved your song! Even if everyone has a little bit of a different interpretation of the exact events, it still doesn't change anything -- listeners know that it's a man who feels he's been wrongly accused, and is sent to prison and we feel for him with all that entails. That's the takeaway and the exact details don't really matter. All listeners will think that their particular interpretation of how he ended up in prison is the correct interpretation. We have the advantage of being able to pick the brain of the song's creator, but most listeners don't have that luxury.
For instance, I know that Rose is the name of his wife, but to me, the rose is a metaphor for hope. The song works either way for me. The particulars didn't even matter to me because I was caught up in his current plight.
Also, I see the ending as him having died and is walking along in the afterlife, looking for Rose (his wife) or the rose, representing hope. I also see it as death row. Both work.
Cool song!
Lisa
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Well now Lisa. Isn't it great to see your smiling face and hear some encouraging words. Thank you for your take which is just about all I could ask.
Vic
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Yeah it has a vibe of that Irish song Grace. My take was a he was wrongly accused of murder, and he's in prison serving life or a long time and hopes to see her again .
I thought this was one of your better pieces of music too Vic. nice arrangement, I think when you do your own lyric and song it comes more naturally, collabing is hard.
I like your 6/8 feel, and one pet peeve of mine is lyrical nits that don't take into consideration that the nit can not be used without changing the melody and music and sometimes feel, lol
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 07/02/20 10:43 PM.
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I, for one, much prefer a lyric that is not straight forward, but rather one that is open to multiple interpretations and makes you think. I'm not sure if that is what you were after Vic, but if so, you succeeded. The comments above prove that. To me, that is not a bad thing, but rather a good thing. Of course, that would depend though on whether you are telling a true story. My guess is though that this is not based upon a true story. Am I correct on that? I am curious though of one thing. I find this lyric interesting, having been written by someone from the UK. Being an American, and thereby being subject to vast amounts of guns, I always envied those in the UK, due to what I believe is a scarcity of firearms there. Do many citizens of the UK own firearms to keep for their own protection in the household?
In any event, enjoyed the song a lot, both lyrically and musically.
Dave
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I just read through the comments on the first version of this song. Having done so, I learned this story takes place in America. My inquiry above is now explained. Dave
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Fdem. Thanks for that. I just looked up Grace. A bit of a tearjerker and Irish Rebel song. Yes, collaborating is hard if the other half isn't flexible. Luckily Travis is. Sometimes like in this one, he lets me rewrite the whole thing.
Lyrical nits are to be expected but some can be frustrating at times.
Vic
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Grace is a beautful song, but the one I was thinking of actually was fields of athenry where's he's singing from prison.
I meant with collabing its harder when the lyric person writes first, cause they think I'm terms of meter and how it looks not how it sounds. And your forced into a melody naturally because of the rhythm they provide in words. some are worse and don't have any rhythm when writing either which makes it double hard.
But melody and meter are not the same thing . Meter is expected to be consistent melody is expected to change even half way through a line.
I say let the melody writers do what they do best and let the words be added in, unless you're do I g both at same time.
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 07/03/20 02:04 PM.
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Strange you should mention The Fields of Athenry. It's always been popular in my neck of the woods which is quite close to Ireland. I used to gig locally with a fella who sung it all the time so I almost got sick of it. :-)
With lyrics it's difficult if the writer doesn't have basic musical knowledge so you have to communicate in other ways like: "it's a bit like 'Blowing in the wind'" or "Same speed and style of 'Ghost of Tom Joad'". Also "I have to lose half those words because the melody won't let them all in. Generally, I glance at a lyric to get the tone of where it's going or could go and ignore the structure for the reason you described. That it would influence my melody.
Vic
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I normally don't do well with collabs. I think it's cause the people here are usually on different wave lengths in what they listen to than me.
But I think there's only so much good melody you can get from a lyric written down, melody comes out and I have to try to find a way to catch it and not get in its way with the lyric.
I do lyrics only to try to keep it flowing, but usually don't do anything with them
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 07/03/20 02:59 PM.
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I understand that very well. If I'm asked I have to say straight off that they must let me run with it. That's why I don't get too many asking. :-) I've had one or two pull out half way through. Can't help it. I can't do demos to client specification either. Some can, and make a living at it but usually the demo is pretty bland and generic like a painting by numbers.
As John Prine said, "That's the way the world goes round".
Last edited by Vicarn; 07/04/20 07:24 AM.
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I liked the song. A lot of popular songs on the radio dont make perfect sense to me so looking closely at the lyric is not a fixation for me Ultimately, they arent technical writing but a three minute +/- emotional sequence of music, thoughts and feelings that deliver a message of some kind.
I think that this song gets that done well enough.
Martin
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Vic
Well, I’m a bit late to the game on this one . . . both threads, LOL! First off, the song as a whole is well done. It’s engaging throughout, and in the end that’s all that matters. As for the lyrics, to me the first two verses were just fine . . . and actually I like the original line using “previous”, but your change works too. Yes, as a non-Brit, the use of “previous” was unusual, but it was clear what was meant. And I like the mystery of the first verse . . . though maybe a clearer reveal in the bridge? Maybe, but as you correctly note, you can’t please everyone . . and this one works well in a whole lot of ways.
By the by, some lovely lines here, Vic. “But between this rock and a hard place, there’s always room for a rose”. That’s sweet.
Good stuff, gents. Be proud of it!
My best to you,
Deej
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Couldn't put it better myself, Martin. "An emotional sequence of music, thoughts and feelings."
Thanks, Vic
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Thanks Deej. I reluctantly gave in over "previous" as it was set in America so the deed is done on that. Thank you for "getting it", though.
Vic
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Hi Vic, It's always amazing how many different takes you can get on one song. For me I thought the burglar shot/killed the wife and the hubby shot at him and missed, but still got the blame. And yes, it feels like he is on death row and taking the long walk. Overall, I really like it, and it suits your voice very well.
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I'm a fan of lyrics and think they do matter, but they serve different roles in different songs.
Critiques are based on common sense things that are easily fixed. I mean if somebody says "I don't understand this line" any idiot can change the line to something that makes sense. Does the song suddenly become great?
The concept, the hook and how well the lyric gets married to the music is the artistic part, sometimes it's the sound of the words. the other things are clerical nits.
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 07/04/20 11:27 PM.
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Hi there John. Haven't seen you around for a while. Welcome back. Thanks for the comments and you are right in your analysis.
Vic
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DAVE GCM My apologies. I thought I had responded to your comment. Yes, I too prefer a lyric to be a less straight forward and needing a think.
Re the firearms thing: Ordinary citizens do not keep firearms for protection. Below is a summary of criteria for UK Firearms Certificates.
When it comes to possessing a firearm in the UK, one of the biggest differences with gun laws around much of the world is that simply having a license does not allow you to carry it as you please. In the UK, you need a license to possess the firearm in question. You will also need to transport it from place-to-place, such as gun ranges and storage location. It will need to be proven that you need your rifle on a regular basis for the purposes of work, sports or leisure.
Firearms Certificate Applications
You can apply for a firearms certificate in the UK on the GOV.UK website. You will need to state what type of gun and ammunition you want to use on your application. This needs to be very specific. You’ll need to provide more than a generic group such as .22 rifle with ammunition. Furthermore, you should state where you are going to keep your guns and ammunition. It is a part of the possession criteria, which requires you to store the firearm appropriately and safely.
Your form must include four identical passport photographs of yourself. You will also need to specify two people who can act as your referees. These people must be British residents, have known you for at least two years and be of good character.
It must also be noted that the referees cannot be a family member. They also cannot be registered firearms dealers, employed by the police or your area’s Police and Crime Commissioner (PCC). You will also need to give permission for the police to approach your GP to make sure you are sound of mind and health.
To obtain your certificate, the police who will be carrying out the checks and verification need to be satisfied that: •You can be trusted with a firearm and are not prohibited from possessing one for any reason •The reason you have given for purchasing or possessing a firearm is good enough •Your possession of the firearm or ammunition will not be a danger to public safety or peace •You do not have a criminal record
Shotgun Certificates in the UK
As with any other gun in the UK, you will not be able to purchase a shotgun or any ammunition without a shotgun certificate. The ‘good reasons’ for having a shotgun are the same as those which are detailed above to do with firearms. If you are asked, you can simply say that you want to take part in shooting sports.
Vic
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I agree, Fdemetrio. As long as the lyric doesn't get boring with too many cliches and bland statements that stand out like: "let me hold you in my loving arms and know the magic of your charms".
Vic
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Vic, this worked for me. Love the feel and your light touch on the production. The story may not have been clear to some but the feeling was strong to me. And to me that is waaaaaaay better than an air tight lyric and some uninspired melody. Good work, Tom
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Thanks Tom. That's good to hear.
Vic
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Vic,
Beautiful song, beautiful lyrics, beautiful arrangement, & beautiful heartfelt vocals!
steady-eddie
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Hi Vic,
Travis should be mad because you killed off his innocent little rose. It never had a chance. Other than this clear injustice perpetrated upon Travis and his rose...
I loved your song! Even if everyone has a little bit of a different interpretation of the exact events, it still doesn't change anything -- listeners know that it's a man who feels he's been wrongly accused, and is sent to prison and we feel for him with all that entails. That's the takeaway and the exact details don't really matter. All listeners will think that their particular interpretation of how he ended up in prison is the correct interpretation. We have the advantage of being able to pick the brain of the song's creator, but most listeners don't have that luxury.
For instance, I know that Rose is the name of his wife, but to me, the rose is a metaphor for hope. The song works either way for me. The particulars didn't even matter to me because I was caught up in his current plight.
Also, I see the ending as him having died and is walking along in the afterlife, looking for Rose (his wife) or the rose, representing hope. I also see it as death row. Both work.
Cool song!
Lisa
Hi Vic ... I fully concur with Lisa. Sometimes details aren't as significant as they are at other times. I find that on occasions, it doesn't hurt to allow the listener to fill in the details so they can let the song to speak to them individually. Ambiguity isn't always a bad thing in music. i enjoyed my listen very much. Wishing you the very best. Be safe ... Alan
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Hi Ed! Good to see you back. Thanks for the generous comment.
Vic
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Thank you Alan. I'm glad you appreciate it and my motives.
Vic
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WOW,
This song attracted some old JPF friends!! I had to bump it because I LOVED IT, what a wonderful song for the imagination, great singing and wonderful melody, I was caught up in it and that chorus write is dreamy friend....I could listen to you sing all day long............
Tammy
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Thanks Tammy. Very sweet of you to say.
Vic
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Great storytelling, Vic......great imigary. Love the whole production. Beautiful performance. Great stuff!! -Tom
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Hi Tom. Thanks for the appreciation.
Vic
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Vic,
I liked it the last time I heard it, not sure if I ever heard the original to compare however. I still like it, as the song lyrics wreak with "tragedy." The melody and arrangement compliment your theme. For me a song like this needs to have "folksy" lyrics, not necessarily perfection in grammar or articulation--now leave it alone!
steady-eddie
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I shan't touch it again Ed. I promise.
Vic
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