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#1165289 - 06/12/20 01:13 AM "It's Over"  
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,008
IronKnee Offline
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IronKnee  Offline
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Hawaii
Hi Everyone....gotta new one. Hope you all like it.
Any and all comments are welcome and first impressions are most welcome!
Thanks, in advance...........
cool -Tom

It's Over
by Tom Tognaci

https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=14062893

Believe me when I say, "I love you"
But I can see the future, too
Somewhere there's got to be another
another love, other than you

I'm here to tell you that it's over!
The final knot has been untied
And, though you think this will blow over
That's just "so-you" tangled in pride.

With all there was, I tried, to tell you
I couldn't fit a word edgewise
Between the jibber and the jabber
you couldn't hear my weary sighs

I'm here to tell you that it's over!
Over, now that it's finally out
You say, compared to ice, I'm colder
But that's the curse you're all abut

I'm here to tell you that it's over!
At last there came that final straw
So cold, I turn to you this shoulder
What more a picture can I draw?

#1165290 - 06/12/20 04:21 AM Re: "It's Over" [Re: IronKnee]  
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 657
Steve Altonian Online content
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Steve Altonian  Online Content
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Hey Tom,

I'm just gonna hit a couple things that stick out to me...First impressions is generally how I will crit anyways...And this is only my impression. Others may not hear it that way

Great feel, solid rythym. The WHISTLE is absolutely perfect...Voice fits project perfectly, gutar playing & style fit the song perfectly...2 things which may tighten up this write up...

1. The CHORUS lyric changes from CHORUS to CHORUS....

I personally think it is extrememly risky in a song to drastically change your CHORUS lines...I am not sure if I have any songs I do that in...Why? I want people to know my CHORUS and sing it the second time around...But I am a "Hooker"...That sounds & looks funny...But I am...I am a "Hooker". I always write from the Hook. So if the lyric changes drastically from CHORUS to CHORUS, IMO I may not be able to truly hook em'...I'm not saying you can't do it or shouldn't do it, but I generally won't...Because I want people to sing my Chorus the 2nd time around. But, once again, that is my take on it...The way the CHORUS is written I as a listener would need 10 times, maybe more to remember all those lines. I want people to remember my CHORUS...But once agin I am a "Hooker". There are plenty of writers here who will certainly say they have no problem with a different Chorus throughout the tune.

2. The CHORUS' are angrier than the VERSES...

Not just tone-wise but lyrically, your CHORUS is way angrier than the VERSES. And being angry about it being "over" is a great vibe for this tune......I think the VERSES are a little too nice, no WAAYYY too nice...I would rather the VERSES tell us more why it's over as to because SHE messed up/or did this/or that/or didn't appreciate him yada yada yada...I'm not gonna dissect the lyric just the TONE of the VERSES...I think the VERSES should be more about what she did which would make you "angry" because "it's over" versus saying "I love you" or "I see the future or "I can find another love"...or the "Jibber & the Jabber"..why is it over? You do make reference to it, but I think it could be more fleshed out, hammered home quite a bit more...Put this woman in check...Did she lie, cheat, not appreciate you, Did she run off with Sancho??? to me the Singer tone in any of your currently constructed CHORUS is "It's over" & I'm pissed...IT"S OVER...I'M PISSED...In your version you tell her that it's over, but it isn't believable...HE DOESN"T REALLY WANT THE BREAK-UP is kind of what I heard from your song even though he says it's over, I'm not convinced because the verses were too fluffy about how he feels about her.

I would consider writing one uniform CHORUS, & write VERSES that support the "raw" angry feel of the CHORUS ....

That is my first impression...



Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
#1165292 - 06/12/20 08:17 AM Re: "It's Over" [Re: IronKnee]  
Joined: Feb 2005
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Dave Rice Online content
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Dave Rice  Online Content
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Texas
Hi Tom:

Enjoyed my listen. Break-Up Songs do require emotions a singer (or songwriter) does not normally encounter. I believe this one is very close and want to encourage you to keep at it until its ready for prime time. Opinions are a dime a dozen and this one is already better than 90% of the songs we hear at JPF and other music sites. Keep at it, my friend. You'll be glad you did.

All the best... and thanks for sharing.

----Dave

#1165297 - 06/12/20 09:28 AM Re: "It's Over" [Re: IronKnee]  
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,561
Vicarn Online content
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Vicarn  Online Content
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UK
Hi Tom.
I love your vocal tone.

Steve has a couple of interesting suggestions that would be worth a try regarding the verses.
Worth another look at it.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#1165301 - 06/12/20 10:39 AM Re: "It's Over" [Re: IronKnee]  
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 64
Songbird52 Online content
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Songbird52  Online Content
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Very good rhythm guitar, good minor chord progressions, good singing.

Doesn't really seem like the kind of song for whistling though.

#1165338 - 06/13/20 04:22 AM Re: "It's Over" [Re: Dave Rice]  
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,008
IronKnee Offline
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IronKnee  Offline
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Hawaii
Originally Posted by Steve Altonian
Hey Tom,

I'm just gonna hit a couple things that stick out to me...First impressions is generally how I will crit anyways...And this is only my impression. Others may not hear it that way

Great feel, solid rythym. The WHISTLE is absolutely perfect...Voice fits project perfectly, gutar playing & style fit the song perfectly...2 things which may tighten up this write up...

1. The CHORUS lyric changes from CHORUS to CHORUS....

I personally think it is extrememly risky in a song to drastically change your CHORUS lines...I am not sure if I have any songs I do that in...Why? I want people to know my CHORUS and sing it the second time around...But I am a "Hooker"...That sounds & looks funny...But I am...I am a "Hooker". I always write from the Hook. So if the lyric changes drastically from CHORUS to CHORUS, IMO I may not be able to truly hook em'...I'm not saying you can't do it or shouldn't do it, but I generally won't...Because I want people to sing my Chorus the 2nd time around. But, once again, that is my take on it...The way the CHORUS is written I as a listener would need 10 times, maybe more to remember all those lines. I want people to remember my CHORUS...But once agin I am a "Hooker". There are plenty of writers here who will certainly say they have no problem with a different Chorus throughout the tune.

2. The CHORUS' are angrier than the VERSES...

Not just tone-wise but lyrically, your CHORUS is way angrier than the VERSES. And being angry about it being "over" is a great vibe for this tune......I think the VERSES are a little too nice, no WAAYYY too nice...I would rather the VERSES tell us more why it's over as to because SHE messed up/or did this/or that/or didn't appreciate him yada yada yada...I'm not gonna dissect the lyric just the TONE of the VERSES...I think the VERSES should be more about what she did which would make you "angry" because "it's over" versus saying "I love you" or "I see the future or "I can find another love"...or the "Jibber & the Jabber"..why is it over? You do make reference to it, but I think it could be more fleshed out, hammered home quite a bit more...Put this woman in check...Did she lie, cheat, not appreciate you, Did she run off with Sancho??? to me the Singer tone in any of your currently constructed CHORUS is "It's over" & I'm pissed...IT"S OVER...I'M PISSED...In your version you tell her that it's over, but it isn't believable...HE DOESN"T REALLY WANT THE BREAK-UP is kind of what I heard from your song even though he says it's over, I'm not convinced because the verses were too fluffy about how he feels about her.

I would consider writing one uniform CHORUS, & write VERSES that support the "raw" angry feel of the CHORUS ....

That is my first impression...




Hey Steve...thanks for listening and for the in-depth crit. Concerning the lyrical change up in the choruses, this is something I have done a few times, now. I like the freshness of it in some songs. It's certainly done by others with great success. As far as the anger issues between the verses and choruses, I'm going to have to think on all that you wrote.
Lots to lunch on.
Thanks again!!



Originally Posted by Dave Rice
Hi Tom:

Enjoyed my listen. Break-Up Songs do require emotions a singer (or songwriter) does not normally encounter. I believe this one is very close and want to encourage you to keep at it until its ready for prime time. Opinions are a dime a dozen and this one is already better than 90% of the songs we hear at JPF and other music sites. Keep at it, my friend. You'll be glad you did.

All the best... and thanks for sharing.

----Dave




Thanks Dave.......I'll keep trying.
Thanks for the encouragement!!





Last edited by IronKnee; 06/13/20 04:26 AM.
#1165339 - 06/13/20 04:26 AM Re: "It's Over" [Re: Songbird52]  
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,008
IronKnee Offline
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IronKnee  Offline
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Hawaii
Originally Posted by Vicarn
Hi Tom.
I love your vocal tone.

Steve has a couple of interesting suggestions that would be worth a try regarding the verses.
Worth another look at it.

Vic



cool


Originally Posted by Songbird52
Very good rhythm guitar, good minor chord progressions, good singing.

Doesn't really seem like the kind of song for whistling though.


The whistling was an improv filler for this 1+1 recording. I hope to have a much broader variety of instruments, later.


Thanks, guys.....
And thanks to all who have listened!!
-Tom

Last edited by IronKnee; 06/13/20 04:27 AM.
#1165391 - 06/14/20 05:12 AM Re: "It's Over" [Re: IronKnee]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,875
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Reminded me of the early Beatles Tom.
I liked the simplicity a voice and guitar, this jellied well
A good song.
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1165420 - 06/14/20 11:59 PM Re: "It's Over" [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,008
IronKnee Offline
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IronKnee  Offline
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Hawaii
Originally Posted by Travis david
Reminded me of the early Beatles Tom.
I liked the simplicity a voice and guitar, this jellied well
A good song.
John


Thanks for listening Travis..............much appreciated!!



And thanks to all who have listened......

-Tom

#1165490 - 06/16/20 08:06 PM Re: "It's Over" [Re: IronKnee]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,298
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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IronKnee,

Always love your stuff . . . this being no exception. Great vocal and the acoustic guitar resonates. I think, too, Steve has some points worth considering--though I more often than not always have some variation in my chorus--it really depends on the song and whether there's an opportunity to add something and, as you say, keep it fresh. I'd be tempted as well to swap out the whistling for maybe an acoustic lead. And Travis has the right of it too . . . a very Beatlesque feel to this one. Good tune . . . with some tweaking on the edges it would really pop!

Regards,

Deej

#1165545 - 06/18/20 11:20 AM Re: "It's Over" [Re: IronKnee]  
Joined: Jul 2017
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ckiphen Online content
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- Select One - houston, texas...
Good vocals and guitar.

#1165632 - 06/20/20 02:47 PM Re: "It's Over" [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Jul 2011
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IronKnee Offline
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IronKnee  Offline
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Originally Posted by ckiphen
Good vocals and guitar.


Thanks!!

#1165967 - 06/27/20 09:14 PM Re: "It's Over" [Re: IronKnee]  
Joined: Sep 2004
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Tom Franz Offline
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Tom Franz  Offline
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Northern California
Dude, you are #1 on the charts. Congrats.
You really write at a very high level. You make it seem easy. But I know better.
Well done Thomas.
Tom

#1165994 - 06/29/20 01:27 AM Re: "It's Over" [Re: Tom Franz]  
Joined: Jul 2011
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IronKnee Offline
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IronKnee  Offline
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Hawaii
Originally Posted by Tom Franz
Dude, you are #1 on the charts. Congrats.
You really write at a very high level. You make it seem easy. But I know better.
Well done Thomas.
Tom


Thanks for the generous compliment. But in the immortal words of Rod Tidwell.........."Show me the money!" ;-)

Seriously........thanks!!
-Tom


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