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#1164702 - 05/26/20 09:07 PM Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration)  
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Deej56 Offline
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Hi, folks,

A new collaboration with Carroll Kiphen . . . hope it's worth the listen. Thanks in advance for the feedback and suggestions.

Keep well, keep safe all.

Deej

Here's the song:

BECAUSE I DREAM

Here are the lyrics:

Iíve escaped inside of books;
pictures that Iíve seen.
Iíve lived an exciting life;
seen all kind of things.

I was born with wings
because I can dream.
I can fly anywhere,
anywhere, anywhere
because I can dream.

I can glide over mountains;
cross over oceans wide.
I close my eyes, and
I go there in my mind.

I was born with wings
because I can dream.
I can fly anywhere,
anywhere, anywhere
because I dream.

I can see beyond today;
sunlight breaking through.
I close my eyes
and soar up in the blue.

I was born with wings
because I can dream.
I can fly anywhere,
anywhere, anywhere
because I dream.

No chains can hold meó
they canít keep me down.
As long as I dream,
Iím free of the ground.

I can see beyond today;
sunlight breaking through.
I close my eyes, I close my eyes
And every day is new.

I was born with wings
because I can dream.
I can fly anywhere,
anywhere, anywhere
because I dream.

#1164703 - 05/26/20 10:50 PM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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Dee, you do such a good job of collaborating, I enjoyed this, but REALLY enjoyed girl with dark sunglasses that came in after that. I see Carol wrote that with you too.

My sincere honest opinion is you need to tighten up the lyrics to both songs. Her ideas paved the way for your music, but now that you have the music, I would work together on the details of the lyrics.

She's raw lyrically, which everybody starts that way. I think the sunglasses song could be a hit if the lyrics really nailed the sunglasses hook. As is it's a bit plain jane, but could be tweaked.

You'd be helping her evolve as a writer by working it out as opposed to just adding melody and music, which is really good either way

Just an honest suggestion

Last edited by Fdemetrio; 05/26/20 10:53 PM.
#1164704 - 05/26/20 11:10 PM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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- Select One - houston, texas...
Fyi Carroll: I am a man.

#1164705 - 05/26/20 11:24 PM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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Oh my bad. Good stuff tighten the lyrics a smidge and both tunes could kick arse . doesn't need to be Shakespeare, just add some color.

Last edited by Fdemetrio; 05/26/20 11:25 PM.
#1164710 - 05/27/20 08:34 AM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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Vicarn Online content
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Nice simple message and gentle melody.
I like it.
Deej, lovely feel to the way you sing this one.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#1164722 - 05/27/20 02:28 PM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Fdemetrio]  
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- Select One - houston, texas...
I have no problem whatsoever with the songwriter making changes if it makes for a better song. As far as I'm concerned none of my lyrics are set in stone.

#1164725 - 05/27/20 03:45 PM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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I picture a sleek silver glider floating silently high riding thermals free as a bird with mountains and lakes bluer than the blue clear sky. Nice work.
Kevin


Kevin
#1164735 - 05/27/20 06:46 PM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Fdemetrio]  
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Fdem,

Thanks for the iisten and the comments. Don't worry so much about giving me honest opinions on anything I'm involved with--sincere, honest and balanced opinions like yours are always helpful, if nothing more than to re-consider the choices we've made on a song. So keep them coming.

Generally, when collaborating, I don't shy away from suggesting alternative approaches and writing additional lines. And, to be honest, I really don't have an interest in putting someone's lyrics to music without their being open to my doing so. The fact is that sometimes the melody I've come up with demands it, sometimes parts of the original lyric don't resonate with me, sometimes it's just that the mood of the song and melody, or some aspect of the original lyric, takes me in a different direction. And more so, this is a hobby for me, not a profession . . . and so the joy I get is being part of the creative process and helping to shape the song as a whole, and not just one aspect of it.

So, I do offer up revisions, and I've been very fortunate that the folks who I've collaborated with in the past, a few here and a couple elsewhere, have always been tolerant of any of my tweaks and changes to their lyrics. Every collaboration, including those with Carroll (this being our third), has been very, very positive--at least from my end, and I hope they feel the same way.

As for this song, what struck me was its simplicity--a single idea that led to simply melody and production that seemed to me to compliment the lyric. I may have changed a line in this one, I think, but not much more. I thought it worked pretty well with the melody as it stood. Can the lyrics be improved? I'm sure--but not by me--at least not now. Can the song as a whole? Most certainly, though it's the best version my skills can offer up right now.

But feedback like yours will keep me (and Carroll) thinking about it--and that's how we amateurs start getting better.

Thanks again for the thoughtful feedback. Much appreciated.

Stay well, stay safe--

Deej

Oh, and appreciate the shout out on "Girl in Dark Sunglasses"--some production flaws there, but it was a fun one to work on.

#1164736 - 05/27/20 06:47 PM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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Vic and Jethro,

Thanks much for giving this one a spin. Glad you enjoyed it.

My best to you both,

Deej

#1164740 - 05/27/20 10:20 PM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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On this tune the lyrics work in a brill building Frank Sinatra my way sort of wwy, where the lyrics are concise and simple, he achieved it, but you made it a country folk tune. But problem with the lyrics is that it's such a general idea for such a powerful song.

Your melody runs into the chorus very seamlessly but it seems He wrote it expecting more of a chorusey thing. Your instinct worked better.

I don't do very well ,with collabs, I can do them but I almost never do anything good with them, I need them to come out at same time.

Anyway, I would work on the sunglasses song. Again you have an epic sounding chorus and really good verse, the pre chorus is great too. The lyric should make more significance to the sunglasses, used more metaphorically, or even ditching the sunglass for something else.

Girl walks around with sunglasses to hide from the world? Maybe, they do come in handy when hiding when your on dope or drunk. I was thinking if she had a specific problem like that, the glasses make more sense. But she needs the drugs or dope to function, but the glasses help hide that, although she can't wear the glasses at work, or around friends or family.

Maybe she wears them when she goes dancing, to hide her shyness.

What I'm saying is wearing sunglasses to hide who she is is not that interesting. But the tune is so good and music that it can survive.

why not try for the triple?


Last edited by Fdemetrio; 05/27/20 10:36 PM.
#1164743 - 05/28/20 02:09 AM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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I like the song fellas. I like everything that DJ does.

My personal preference would be to give the vocals more presence in the mix. It sounds like a live performance where a guitarist and a singer are standing side by side and playing and the listener is out to the side of the guitarist. I think that it would be more personal sounding if the listener was directly in front of both.

Liked it nonetheless.


Marty





#1164749 - 05/28/20 05:34 AM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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Birmingham, UK
Hi Deej

I enjoyed this. Nice sentiment to the lyrics, the instrumentation was sympathetic and moved along nicely. I felt that vocally the 'No chains can hold me' bridge sounded a little forced, maybe that could be worth looking at, but no biggie.

Clearly a good collaboration smile

Nigel

#1164753 - 05/28/20 09:44 AM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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Texas
It is no secret that I believe Deej has "star-power" if he can only find a way to sneak past the gatekeepers. It is also no secret that I believe Carroll Kiphen is a powerful lyricist... as proven by his track record with our deceased friend, Barry Butler who was a prolific "musicator" with a great voice.

My words are meant to encourage both of you to keep grinding away at this thing we call musical creativity. Thanks for this inspiring and imaginative song. Best of luck with it.

----Dave

#1164808 - 05/29/20 08:50 PM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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- Select One - houston, texas...
Thanks Dave. Miss Barry. He was quite the character.

#1164825 - 05/30/20 12:23 PM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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La Linea, Cadiz, Spain
Hmm just love everything about this track you should both be justifiably proud of this one. My old foot want stop tapping LOL

Stay Safe,

Gerry

#1164863 - 05/31/20 08:26 AM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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- Select One - houston, texas...
Thanks Gerry most of the credit goes to Deej.

#1164940 - 06/02/20 11:05 PM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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So nice to read such a hopeful and positive song these days!
Some beautiful images and feelings in the write.
The melody is beautiful and whistfull
I do like the build vocally until the end...

Really enjoyed it!

Tammy


http://tammyjann.com/
https://soundcloud.com/tamsnumber4
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=1038504

Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it...
Professor Albus Dumbledore




#1164942 - 06/03/20 03:23 AM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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Fiji
Just a damn brilliant song guys. smile
cheers, nisteshift
PS - a little more Eq in the miids with a small 10k boost and a 2:1 compression on the out will really make it shine. smile


#1164950 - 06/03/20 09:27 AM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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- Select One - houston, texas...
Appreciate it!

#1164966 - 06/03/20 03:40 PM Re: Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration) [Re: Deej56]  
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Marty, Nigel, Dave, Gerry, Tams and niteshift:

Thanks for the listen--so glad it worked for all of you.

Marty and niteshift:

I really wasn't happy with the vocal mix and couldn't quite do anything with it in terms of EQ'ing etc. to make it better. So I went back and re-recorded the vocal and made sure to get much closer to the microphone this time around (which I think was largely part of the challenge). Hopefully this sounds a little more present--and hopefully the update on Soundclick took. Thanks for the thoughtful feedback.

Best regards to all of you,

Deej

Last edited by Deej56; 06/03/20 03:41 PM.

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