Who's Online Now
4 members (Guy E. Trepanier, bennash, Gary E. Andrews, David Gill), 912 guests, and 312 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Register Today!
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.

By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
ShoutChat
Comment Guidelines: Do post respectful and insightful comments. Don't flame, hate, spam.
What's Going On
Wake Sessions
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/18/24 02:09 PM
All You Are Is A Lie
by Sunset Poet - 03/18/24 09:24 AM
New Digital Album
by John Lawrence Schick - 03/17/24 07:39 PM
NYC Motel 1972
by bennash - 03/17/24 02:18 PM
What now?-Got the demo done what do I do next?
by bennash - 03/17/24 10:50 AM
The Wolves Of Fading
by bennash - 03/17/24 10:36 AM
Inspirational Videos Post Them Here
by JAPOV - 03/16/24 06:06 PM
Crow Part 2
by bennash - 03/16/24 07:36 AM
Album release
by Ken Randall - 03/16/24 04:34 AM
Highly effective country boy
by bennash - 03/15/24 11:40 PM
Jimmy B 3 at Jerry's West Sports Bar & Pizza
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/15/24 02:02 PM
The Rant Arena
by JAPOV - 03/15/24 05:11 AM
OPEN MIC/Karaoke Party! Come jam with us!
by David Gill - 03/14/24 08:45 AM
Winston's OB, Ocean Beach
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/13/24 09:15 AM
Sugarbeats Duo, Louisa, KY.
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/12/24 03:25 PM
Surging Motion, Batavia, NY
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/12/24 01:03 PM
St. Patrick's Day Song Challenge!
by David Gill - 03/12/24 10:37 AM
Ecstatic Dance OKC
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/11/24 12:56 AM
Michigan Fingerstyle Guitar Society
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/10/24 01:39 PM
Bridge The Divide
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/10/24 12:10 AM
Sincerity
by JAPOV - 03/09/24 07:54 PM
Bill Draper post repeat
by Bill Draper - 03/07/24 02:49 PM
Stuck Here At The Light
by Bill Draper - 03/06/24 01:24 PM
Laura K. Balke
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/06/24 07:31 AM
Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/04/24 12:47 PM
4 Artists
by bennash - 03/04/24 10:06 AM
House Fire, Portsmouth, Ohio
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/03/24 11:19 PM
Life is Good
by Ken Randall - 03/03/24 09:36 PM
TAROT LOVE
by Ken Randall - 03/03/24 04:55 PM
Top Posters
Calvin 19,857
Travis david 12,264
Kevin Emmrich 10,941
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,649
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 9,003
glynda 8,683
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
couchgrouch 8,159
Colin Ward 7,911
Corey 7,357
Vicarn 6,916
Mark Kaufman 6,589
ben willis 6,114
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,725
Linda Sings 5,608
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Fdemetrio 4,979
Neil Cotton 4,909
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,670
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,389
Roy Cooper 4,271
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Tom Shea 4,195
Cindy Miller 4,178
TamsNumber4 4,171
MFB III 4,143
Sunset Poet 4,116
nightengale 4,096
E Swartz 3,985
JAPOV 3,959
beechnut79 3,878
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,845
Dan Sullivan 3,710
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
Nigel Quin 2,891
PopTodd 2,890
Harriet Ames 2,870
MidniteBob 2,761
Nelson 2,616
Tom Tracy 2,558
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,246
Wendy D 2,235
Judy Hollier 2,232
Erica Ellis 2,202
maccharles 2,134
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,041
DukeWill 2,002
floyd jane 1,985
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,652
Noel Downs 1,633
Rick Heenan 1,608
Cal 1,574
GocartMoz 1,559
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,481
Tom Franz 1,473
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Rick Norton 1,429
Kenneth Cade 1,429
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,409
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
Deej56 1,385
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,294
lane1777 1,280
Gerry 1,280
DakLander 1,265
IronKnee 1,262
PeteG 1,242
Ian Ferrin 1,235
Glen King 1,214
IdeaGuy 1,209
VNORTH2 1,208
AaronAuthier 1,177
summeoyo 1,174
Diane Ewing 1,162
ckiphen 1,108
joro 1,082
BobbyJoe 1,075
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
9ne 1,035
David Gill 1,021
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
peaden 984
90 dB 964
Wolvman 960
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 829
ant 798
Juan 797
TKO 784
Dayson 781
frahmes 781
teletwang 762
bennash 758
Andy K 750
Andy Kemp 749
tbryson 737
Jackie444 731
Irwin 720
3daveyO3 704
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Pat Hardy 692
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Moosesong 668
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
quality 637
CG King 622
douglas 621
R&M 614
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Shandy 590
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
BB Wilbur 513
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
Rob L 439
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Alek 386
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Ann_F 379
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
ddreuter 371
spidey 371
sweetsong 370
danny 367
Rob B. 360
Jim Ryan 360
papaG 353
Z - man 350
JamesDF5 348
John K 348
Jaden 344
TheBaz 340
Steggy 339
leif 339
tonedeaf 336
rickwork 334
Eddie Ray 332
Johnboy 328
Bob Lever 328
Helicon1 327
lucian 326
Muskie 321
kc 319
Z. Mulls 318
ptondreau 313
ONOFFON 312
Chris B. 310
trush 304
ed323 297
Ellen M 294
markus-ky 293
lizzorn 291
nicnac49 290
Char 286
ktunes 285
Top Likes Received
JAPOV 85
VNORTH2 44
bennash 38
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate Thread
#1164396 05/14/20 05:48 AM
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264
Likes: 4
T
Top 10 Poster
OP Offline
Top 10 Poster
T
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264
Likes: 4
WINTER NIGHT. ( REWRITE 3 Thanks to Gavin on JPF)

The gardens blanket glittered silver and white
Jack Frost's dance,was captured in the moonlight.
With our arms wound around each other so tight
we shivered, but how we laughed, on that cold winter night.
V
Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door
firewood crackled, as if saying, put on some more
Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white
lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night

B

We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
No dream she's really mine

MUSIC

V
So happy for this love that we'd found
treading carefully first for this second time around
As the last embers died, and it approached daylight
nobody in this world that I'd longed to spend, that winter night
.

OUTRO
Love for her so strong, now so impossible to deny

Sent from my Huawei phone

---------------
WINTER NIGHT. ( REWRITE 2Thanks to Gavin on JPF)
V
Frost danced, captured in the moonlight
the gardens blanket glittered silver and white
With our arms wound around each other so tight
we shivered, but how we laughed, on that cold winter night.
V
Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door
firewood crackled, as if saying, put on some more
Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white
lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night

B

We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
Could she really be mine?

MUSIC
V
So happy for this love we hoped we'd found
at first caution, cos for us our second time around
As the last embers died, and it approached daylight
kissed, climbed the stairs, a bed to share
together, that winter's night.

OUTRO
Love for her so strong, now so impossible to deny

---------------——------

WINTER NIGHT. ( REWRITE 1)
V
Frost danced captured by the moonlight
its blanket glowed like tinsel silver and white
With our arms wound around each other so tight
we shivered, we laughed, on that cold winter night.
V
Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door
firewood crackled, as if saying, put on some more
Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white
lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night

B

We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
Could she really be mine?


MUSIC
V
So happy for this love we knew we'd found
first tinged with caution for our second time around
As the last embers died, and it approached daylight
We'd kiss and climb the stairs, from our winter's night.

OUTRO
Love so strong so impossible to deny


Last edited by Travis david; 05/17/20 11:20 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 2,132
Likes: 22
Top 200 Poster
Offline
Top 200 Poster
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 2,132
Likes: 22
I think you have the makings of something here, Travis. Simple, direct, emotional and visual.

The first two lines are in the present tense, while the rest in the past. You might want to fix that.

For me, the bridge is not as good as the rest. It's that last line. You have kind of put us there with them, and I don't think he would be trying to figure out a definition at that point smile You might be better to use that line to describe a concrete thought or action. Maybe something like...

We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
Was she, could she really be mine?

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264
Likes: 4
T
Top 10 Poster
OP Offline
Top 10 Poster
T
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264
Likes: 4
Hi Gavin
Thanks for pointing out the errors I've also used your idea for the bridge partly
Thanks, hope all is well with you and yours?
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264
Likes: 4
T
Top 10 Poster
OP Offline
Top 10 Poster
T
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264
Likes: 4
A further rewrite on this
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 668
Top 500 Poster
Offline
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 668
This is good. The fireplace fire, craving more, burning down but still warmth left afterwards adds a lot to feel of the story. The revision of the bridge is a good improvement.
Nice.


IIt's times like these you learn to love again. Foo Fighters


Music page
www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandid=707030

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 422
Likes: 18
B
Top 500 Poster
Offline
Top 500 Poster
B
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 422
Likes: 18
Hello Travis david,
I like the lyric too. cold/warm themes could be a metephor for renewed love.

I just worked on your verse meter a bit:

So happy for this love, that we'd (lost then) found
treading carefully first, this second time around

Bill

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264
Likes: 4
T
Top 10 Poster
OP Offline
Top 10 Poster
T
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264
Likes: 4
Thanks guys appreciate your nice comnents
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Link Copied to Clipboard
Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Newest Members
yasir252, cathennashira, Samwise, HappySousa, Jasmine_Kurb
21,469 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums117
Topics125,689
Posts1,160,840
Members21,469
Most Online37,523
Jan 25th, 2020
Just Plain Quotes
"I left my home, only to find a new home, full of heart, soul and dreams. Then, I left that new home, heart intact, but much stronger and energized from the experience" -Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
L. James Tanner (60), tomwisnowski (73)
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5