Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/04/24 12:47 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
WINTER NIGHT. ( REWRITE 3 Thanks to Gavin on JPF)
The gardens blanket glittered silver and white Jack Frost's dance,was captured in the moonlight. With our arms wound around each other so tight we shivered, but how we laughed, on that cold winter night. V Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door firewood crackled, as if saying, put on some more Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night
B
We sat there drinking mulled wine my love for her overpowered me No dream she's really mine
MUSIC
V So happy for this love that we'd found treading carefully first for this second time around As the last embers died, and it approached daylight nobody in this world that I'd longed to spend, that winter night .
OUTRO Love for her so strong, now so impossible to deny
Sent from my Huawei phone
--------------- WINTER NIGHT. ( REWRITE 2Thanks to Gavin on JPF) V Frost danced, captured in the moonlight the gardens blanket glittered silver and white With our arms wound around each other so tight we shivered, but how we laughed, on that cold winter night. V Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door firewood crackled, as if saying, put on some more Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night
B
We sat there drinking mulled wine my love for her overpowered me Could she really be mine?
MUSIC V So happy for this love we hoped we'd found at first caution, cos for us our second time around As the last embers died, and it approached daylight kissed, climbed the stairs, a bed to share together, that winter's night.
OUTRO Love for her so strong, now so impossible to deny
---------------——------
WINTER NIGHT. ( REWRITE 1) V Frost danced captured by the moonlight its blanket glowed like tinsel silver and white With our arms wound around each other so tight we shivered, we laughed, on that cold winter night. V Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door firewood crackled, as if saying, put on some more Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night
B
We sat there drinking mulled wine my love for her overpowered me Could she really be mine?
MUSIC V So happy for this love we knew we'd found first tinged with caution for our second time around As the last embers died, and it approached daylight We'd kiss and climb the stairs, from our winter's night.
OUTRO Love so strong so impossible to deny
Last edited by Travis david; 05/17/20 11:20 AM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 2,132 Likes: 22
Top 200 Poster
|
Top 200 Poster
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 2,132 Likes: 22 |
I think you have the makings of something here, Travis. Simple, direct, emotional and visual. The first two lines are in the present tense, while the rest in the past. You might want to fix that. For me, the bridge is not as good as the rest. It's that last line. You have kind of put us there with them, and I don't think he would be trying to figure out a definition at that point You might be better to use that line to describe a concrete thought or action. Maybe something like... We sat there drinking mulled wine my love for her overpowered me Was she, could she really be mine?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
Hi Gavin Thanks for pointing out the errors I've also used your idea for the bridge partly Thanks, hope all is well with you and yours? Regards John
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
A further rewrite on this Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 668
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 668 |
This is good. The fireplace fire, craving more, burning down but still warmth left afterwards adds a lot to feel of the story. The revision of the bridge is a good improvement. Nice.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 422 Likes: 18
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 422 Likes: 18 |
Hello Travis david, I like the lyric too. cold/warm themes could be a metephor for renewed love.
I just worked on your verse meter a bit:
So happy for this love, that we'd (lost then) found treading carefully first, this second time around
Bill
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
Thanks guys appreciate your nice comnents John
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,689
Posts1,160,840
Members21,469
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"I left my home, only to find a new home, full of heart, soul and dreams. Then, I left that new home, heart intact, but much stronger and energized from the experience" -Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|