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#1162455 - 03/27/20 02:42 PM Gravity  
Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 5
DeMoni Offline
Casual Observer
DeMoni  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 5
Hey all! I was looking for some feedback on an acoustic track I wrote when I was seventeen and still like, all feedback is welcome, hope you enjoy, and thank you! /
GRAVITY ( ACOUSTIC )

LYRICS:
I wanna hold you closer in my heart
Like I did at the very first start
And I feel so low
So rough when I'm on my own
But you built my walls

Gravity can pull me down
I'll be ready for the end of the world if you're around tonight

Underneath a painted blue sky
Your lips and our kiss always run around in my mind
These Mixed Emotions
These Feelings that I get
So uneasy with you
When your words tighten my chest
I guess it's not your fault
That you're not here now
No way you could know
That I'd be going down in a free fall
That's alright, I'm gonna be okay
Doesn't matter the show must go on anyway


Gravity can pull me down
I'm ready for the end of the world if you're around tonight, tonight

So we'll Spark a light
Raise our flag
Light the whole world up, like that, like that
If we lose ourselves
In the dark of night
It'll be alright, alright

Reversing we only go backwards
Never can see the future when you're this stuck in the past yeah
Do you wanna watch a DVD
Come on sit on the couch and stay with me
The guitar can wait
The music and the people and the songs can wait
It'll be okay, just let go of all your past mistakes
Deep breath
Just take a deep breath
No need to overreact we know that it'll only cause more stress, yes
Don't let your smile fade because we both know that that [naughty word removed] is priceless

Gravity can pull me down
I'm ready for the end of the world if you're around tonight

So we'll Spark a light
Raise our flag
We'll light the whole world up, like that, like that
If we lose ourselves
In the dark of night
It'll be alright, alright

Gravity can pull me down
But it'll be alright alright
Gravity can pull me down
But it'll be alright alright
Gravity can pull me down
But it'll be alright alright

#1162490 - 03/28/20 12:42 PM Re: Gravity [Re: DeMoni]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,765
Gary E. Andrews Offline
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Gary E. Andrews  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,765
Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
Well that's fun! You have to know where to breathe to deliver all that, and you do!
Getting rid of those 'and's and 'but's is a good idea, giving you that place to breathe, uncluttering the Lines in your mouth.

Last edited by Gary E. Andrews; 03/28/20 12:43 PM.

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1162525 - 03/29/20 10:45 AM Re: Gravity [Re: DeMoni]  
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,481
E Swartz Offline
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E Swartz  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,481
Ohio
Demoni,

You have a very current sounding song and I hear both Taylor Swift/Jason Meraz & Rap influences. Its a cool rhythm vibe and your song has real potential. I'd like to see you put a bass track (maybe upright bass with bow) and alternative light accent percussion for giving the song more sounds. I think you can improve your vocals in places with prosody in the verses--challenging, but experiment, as with this rapid fire, prosody has to be almost perfect! Maybe shorten the verses a line or two, as there's a lot for the listener to absorb there. The chorus prosody is better, but a few pitch issues there as you have some notes that are far apart--not easy hitting top or coming back down and hitting note! With rapid fire, there are some monotone note areas that do not have to hit pitch on a root chord, but some phrases or words, usually ending words DO need to hit root chord notes--you doing well, but a few spots are off--better than I could do with this style however!

I enjoyed your music, great start & definitely potential--keep plowing!

steady-eddie

#1162531 - 03/29/20 01:00 PM Re: Gravity [Re: DeMoni]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,612
Dave Rice Online content
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Dave Rice  Online Content
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,612
Texas
Welcome to JPF, DeMoni:

I gave your song a listen and can understand how it might become a hit in today's music scene. Like others, I can detect a Taylor Swift vibe. I'd be a liar if I told you I would buy it in an on-line store because I am a dinosaur from another age... LOL! Do not be discouraged in the least by my statement. Although it may not be 100% ready for prime time marketing... it is very close. How you find all the elements needed to bring it to the top of the charts is the big question. None of us (I suspect) here at JPF possess that formula or we would be dining at the Ritz-Carlton in the lap of luxury via our chart-topping creations. (I have none, just to set the record straight!)

Most of all, I wish you success with the song. (Is there a co-writer?) Never give up and keep learning all you can about the inner-workings of the ever changing music business. Knowing the ropes and having good contacts is almost as valuable as having real talent... and you have talent!

Best wishes... and welcome aboard. I look forward to hearing more of your work.

----Dave

#1162680 - 04/02/20 07:11 PM Re: Gravity [Re: DeMoni]  
Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 5
DeMoni Offline
Casual Observer
DeMoni  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Gary E. Andrews
Well that's fun! You have to know where to breathe to deliver all that, and you do!
Getting rid of those 'and's and 'but's is a good idea, giving you that place to breathe, uncluttering the Lines in your mouth.


Thank you for listening! and that's a really good idea, I have some other songs that I play where I try to find the best place to take some breaths I'll see about cutting out words that might not be necessary for live performances. smile

Originally Posted by E Swartz
Demoni,

You have a very current sounding song and I hear both Taylor Swift/Jason Meraz & Rap influences. Its a cool rhythm vibe and your song has real potential. I'd like to see you put a bass track (maybe upright bass with bow) and alternative light accent percussion for giving the song more sounds. I think you can improve your vocals in places with prosody in the verses--challenging, but experiment, as with this rapid fire, prosody has to be almost perfect! Maybe shorten the verses a line or two, as there's a lot for the listener to absorb there. The chorus prosody is better, but a few pitch issues there as you have some notes that are far apart--not easy hitting top or coming back down and hitting note! With rapid fire, there are some monotone note areas that do not have to hit pitch on a root chord, but some phrases or words, usually ending words DO need to hit root chord notes--you doing well, but a few spots are off--better than I could do with this style however!

I enjoyed your music, great start & definitely potential--keep plowing!

steady-eddie


Thanks for the feedback and ideas! I plan to add more instruments and better vocal production when I record the official studio version, so I'll definitely look into the pitching issues, the prosody ( which I totally had to google haha ), and seeing about putting a nice bass track on it, thanks again! smile



Originally Posted by Dave Rice
Welcome to JPF, DeMoni:

I gave your song a listen and can understand how it might become a hit in today's music scene. Like others, I can detect a Taylor Swift vibe. I'd be a liar if I told you I would buy it in an on-line store because I am a dinosaur from another age... LOL! Do not be discouraged in the least by my statement. Although it may not be 100% ready for prime time marketing... it is very close. How you find all the elements needed to bring it to the top of the charts is the big question. None of us (I suspect) here at JPF possess that formula or we would be dining at the Ritz-Carlton in the lap of luxury via our chart-topping creations. (I have none, just to set the record straight!)

Most of all, I wish you success with the song. (Is there a co-writer?) Never give up and keep learning all you can about the inner-workings of the ever changing music business. Knowing the ropes and having good contacts is almost as valuable as having real talent... and you have talent!

Best wishes... and welcome aboard. I look forward to hearing more of your work.

----Dave


Thanks for listening and thank you so so much for the kind words! I plan to do a lot more with it, before I try to market it, this was mainly for practice on an acoustic EP I've been working on to help me get better at production while I study the ever changing maze that is the music business
Thank you for the kind wishes, and I wrote this one solo, I have a hard time finding people who want to collab if I'm honest haha
I've been lurking for a while, but I check in and really enjoy the website, ( I heard of it from 'Making Money with Music' written by Radny Chertkow and Jason Feehan ) so thank you again, I look forward to seeing you while browsing the forums! smile

#1162681 - 04/02/20 08:37 PM Re: Gravity [Re: DeMoni]  
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 1,078
Gavin Sinclair Online content
Top 500 Poster
Gavin Sinclair  Online Content
Top 500 Poster

Joined: May 2017
Posts: 1,078
Conover, North Carolina, USA
I hear a lot more Ed Sheeran than Taylor Swift. You seem to have captured that vibe pretty well. Not my cup of tea - I roam the same Jurassic landscape as Dave - but I think it's well done. This kind of song can be hard to sing, and your vocals do drift a bit in places, as Eddie points out. Nice job, DeMoni!

#1162683 - 04/02/20 09:00 PM Re: Gravity [Re: DeMoni]  
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 109
PaulCanuck Offline
Serious Contributor
PaulCanuck  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 109
Hi Demoni - that was a fun song delivered with enthusiasm and zest.
Quite a challenge to get all those words in!
Snappy guitar playing - and I really like the melody lines especially the "Spark a light" section.
Throw some pitch correction on that vocal in places and you've got yourself a good demo smile

Paul

#1162687 - 04/02/20 11:38 PM Re: Gravity [Re: PaulCanuck]  
Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 5
DeMoni Offline
Casual Observer
DeMoni  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Gavin Sinclair
I hear a lot more Ed Sheeran than Taylor Swift. You seem to have captured that vibe pretty well. Not my cup of tea - I roam the same Jurassic landscape as Dave - but I think it's well done. This kind of song can be hard to sing, and your vocals do drift a bit in places, as Eddie points out. Nice job, DeMoni!


Thank you! I appreciate that Dave and yourself still take the time to sit down and listen to the song and offer constructive criticism even if you don't like the style, so thank you both for that! smile For the final version I'll be sure to fix the drifting.

Originally Posted by PaulCanuck
Hi Demoni - that was a fun song delivered with enthusiasm and zest.
Quite a challenge to get all those words in!
Snappy guitar playing - and I really like the melody lines especially the "Spark a light" section.
Throw some pitch correction on that vocal in places and you've got yourself a good demo smile

Paul


Thank you for listening, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I used some melodyne with it, but wanted to keep some flat notes to give a better more natural acoustic sound, but I'll be sure to straighten them all out for the official, thank you again Paul! smile


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