Who's Online Now
25 registered members (Fdemetrio, CTthomas, Deej56, ckiphen, couchgrouch, Andy K, Dave Rice, 9ne, Everett Adams, 3 invisible), and 361 guests, and
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Shout Box
Member Spotlight
buddyivory
buddyivory
Jessup
Posts: 26
Joined: December 2008
Show All Member Profiles 
What's Going On
Because I Dream (ckiphen/Deej Collaboration)
by Fdemetrio. 05/26/20 10:50 PM
Out of the ashes (CHORUS only done)
by Deej56. 05/26/20 08:53 PM
Whatever 'These Days' Means These Days
by Deej56. 05/26/20 08:52 PM
All By Myself
by Deej56. 05/26/20 08:48 PM
IF ONLY. (DEEJ & TRAVIS COLLAB)
by Deej56. 05/26/20 08:47 PM
Your Last Goodbye
by Deej56. 05/26/20 08:38 PM
Phobamania
by Deej56. 05/26/20 08:38 PM
Just a Dog
by Deej56. 05/26/20 08:37 PM
I Confess. Vic
by Deej56. 05/26/20 08:36 PM
The High and the Holy
by Gavin Sinclair. 05/26/20 07:33 PM
Can't drink her off my mind
by ckiphen. 05/26/20 04:53 PM
Brass Monkeys
by Gerry. 05/26/20 03:24 PM
Produced a Clip for Fiji Broadcasting
by Dave Rice. 05/26/20 11:49 AM
Covid-19 Inspired Song
by Nigel Quin. 05/26/20 11:14 AM
SOCAN surprise
by Everett Adams. 05/26/20 06:28 AM
Single Song Agreement
by Everett Adams. 05/26/20 06:25 AM
WINTER NIGHT. Rewrite 3
by Moosesong. 05/25/20 09:17 PM
Wisdom's Jungle 1
by Moosesong. 05/25/20 08:56 PM
Rainy Weather.by-Ingvar Tautra & M. F. Blowers
by MFB III. 05/25/20 04:49 PM
In this age of thorns and shadows...
by John Voorpostel. 05/25/20 03:57 PM
Heavy Cross to Bear
by couchgrouch. 05/25/20 02:46 PM
Odd Noggin
by Gary E. Andrews. 05/25/20 01:57 PM
When Can I Kiss You Again
by TamsNumber4. 05/25/20 12:32 AM
Blood On The River
by TamsNumber4. 05/25/20 12:05 AM
Royalties and the PRO's...
by Dave Rice. 05/24/20 07:35 PM
Touch
by couchgrouch. 05/24/20 02:34 PM
SHOWCASE: LYRICS/SONGS BY GARY E. ANDREWS
by Gary E. Andrews. 05/24/20 11:39 AM
The Walk of Time
by couchgrouch. 05/23/20 06:33 PM
To Tina On The Occasion Of Her New Breasts
by Gavin Sinclair. 05/23/20 05:45 PM
BLUE STORM RISING-IDES OF MARCH
by Nigel Quin. 05/23/20 02:09 PM
Top Posters(All Time)
Calvin 19,816
Travis david 11,794
Kevin Emmrich 10,645
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,600
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 8,845
glynda 8,675
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
Colin Ward 7,909
couchgrouch 7,737
Dave Rice 7,612
Corey 7,357
Mark Kaufman 6,584
Wyman Lloyd 6,578
Vicarn 6,416
ben willis 6,107
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,725
niteshift 5,677
Linda Sings 5,608
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Neil Cotton 4,909
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,666
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,376
Roy Cooper 4,220
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Tom Shea 4,179
Cindy Miller 4,178
TamsNumber4 4,099
nightengale 4,096
MFB III 3,921
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,814
Dan Sullivan 3,710
beechnut79 3,580
E Swartz 3,481
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
PopTodd 2,890
Harriet Ames 2,870
Nigel Quin 2,818
MidniteBob 2,708
Nelson 2,603
Tom Tracy 2,558
Polly Hager 2,526
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,242
Judy Hollier 2,232
Wendy D 2,219
Erica Ellis 2,202
Fdemetrio 2,169
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,027
maccharles 1,988
DukeWill 1,988
floyd jane 1,983
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Martin Lide 1,854
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,650
Noel Downs 1,620
Rick Heenan 1,608
Cal 1,574
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
GocartMoz 1,520
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,471
Tom Franz 1,455
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Kenneth Cade 1,429
Rick Norton 1,428
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,408
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,292
DakLander 1,265
Deej56 1,245
PeteG 1,242
Ian Ferrin 1,230
Glen King 1,214
IdeaGuy 1,209
Gerry 1,185
AaronAuthier 1,177
Diane Ewing 1,158
lane1777 1,156
summeoyo 1,146
joro 1,082
BobbyJoe 1,075
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
IronKnee 985
peaden 984
Wolvman 960
90 dB 916
Jak Kelly 912
9ne 901
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 829
Juan 797
TKO 784
Dayson 781
frahmes 781
teletwang 762
ant 747
Andy K 746
tbryson 737
Andy Kemp 734
Jackie444 731
3daveyO3 704
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Irwin 659
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
Pat Hardy 637
quality 637
Moosesong 634
CG King 622
douglas 621
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Shandy 589
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
JAPOV 562
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
R&M 514
BB Wilbur 511
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
Rob L 426
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Cecilee 379
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
spidey 371
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate This Thread
#911402 - 07/28/11 06:28 PM Deliver Me  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
rpirone Offline
Serious Contributor
rpirone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
Pennsylvania
Any comments or suggestions are welcome and appreciated

Thanks
Rich


http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10895407

Boss man laid me off down the plant the other day
I got a wife and kids and one on the way
There's lots of folks rowin' that same boat
With all their might try'n to stay afloat

I know the Bible says "And this too shall pass"
"The last shall be first and the first shall be last"
But the first have all they'll ever need
While the last are left to sweat and plead...

Deliver me from the hungry years
Deliver me from unanswered prayers
Deliver me when I run out of dreams
And deliver me when my dreams run out on me

I know there's no such thing as an innocent man
We make our way in this world the best that we can
It's those times your back's put to the wall
You find out how far you rise or fall

Deliver me from the hungry years
Deliver me from unanswered prayers
Deliver me when I run out of dreams
And deliver me when my dreams run out on me

Deliver me from the wolves at my door
Deliver me when my world gets torn
Deliver me from the desperate days
Deliver me from long nights on lost highways
__________________
http://www.soundclick.com/richpirone

#911404 - 07/28/11 06:35 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 5,577
Little_stevie_b Offline
Top 50 Poster
Little_stevie_b  Offline
Top 50 Poster

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 5,577
Hickory, North Carolina USA
Rich,

I clicked on the link and it took me to a page that said..."You're doing it wrong." I'll come back later. Say Hi to Robertk for me when you see him.

Stevie

#911407 - 07/28/11 06:41 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Little_stevie_b]  
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 576
Meg Engell Offline
Top 500 Poster
Meg Engell  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 576
The Place to Be
THAT PIC!

Soundclick is my new best friend.

Sorry JPF.


Now writing as Orion Redgrave.

Check me out on tumblr @orionredgrave
#911409 - 07/28/11 06:44 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Meg Engell]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
rpirone Offline
Serious Contributor
rpirone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
Pennsylvania
Fixed the link. It should work now.

#911411 - 07/28/11 06:48 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 5,577
Little_stevie_b Offline
Top 50 Poster
Little_stevie_b  Offline
Top 50 Poster

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 5,577
Hickory, North Carolina USA
Really solid song Rich. You done good.

Stevie

#911457 - 07/28/11 10:26 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Little_stevie_b]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
rpirone Offline
Serious Contributor
rpirone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
Pennsylvania
Stevie:

Thanks for the kind words.

BTW I'll see Robert K this weekend at a Jimmy Webb concert. I'll give him your regards.

Rich

#911461 - 07/28/11 10:33 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 487
Zeek Offline
Top 500 Poster
Zeek  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 487
Sounds like a demo track?

That said, production is slick and right in the pocket. I was looking for harmony starting on the 2nd verse and even more prominent in the mix during the chorus--it's barely there.

The chorus could have elevated more--I think it could have been done with chording that was less predictable.

I loved the little odd chord after the 2nd lines of the verses. Things like that stand out in a good way.

Solid job, but I've already forgotten the hook after the song was over.

Zeek

#911583 - 07/29/11 12:52 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Zeek]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
rpirone Offline
Serious Contributor
rpirone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
Pennsylvania
Zeek:

Your instincts are correct - it is a demo. Thanks for giving it a listen.

Rich

#911587 - 07/29/11 01:32 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,710
Dan Sullivan Offline
Top 100 Poster
Dan Sullivan  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,710
MI
The lyrics tell a familiar tale: A man seeking deliverance from hard times. It's overly reliant on cliches, but there's some cleverness to the writing. But something is missing. There doesn't seem to be any emotional connection here. Or at least it doesn't connect with me. The upbeat melody of the chorus doesn't fit this tale of woe. I dunno, it's hard to put my finger on it, but something is missing. Good sounding demo, some cleverness to the writing, good vocal. There's certainly plenty of evidence of talent here. But somehow it misses the mark. At least to my ears.

The only thing I can suggest is that the chorus, because it's so upbeat, should be a defiant promise to overcome all obstacles placed in your path, rather than a passive prayer for someone to save you from the hard road ahead. Maybe:

There's a hard road ahead of me
Trouble as far as the eye can see
I may get discouraged but that don't mean
I'll ever give up on myself or my dreams

or something in that vein. Anyway, just my thoughts. Lots of talent in evidence here.


Write from your heart, not what you think others want to hear.

https://dansullivan2.bandcamp.com

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/dansullivan2
#911669 - 07/29/11 05:48 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Dan Sullivan]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
rpirone Offline
Serious Contributor
rpirone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
Pennsylvania
Dan:

Appreciate your taking the time to check this tune out. I'll take your suggestions under advisement.

Thanks
Rich


#913267 - 08/04/11 02:53 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 3,639
Samuel Harris Offline
Top 100 Poster
Samuel Harris  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 3,639
Pleasant Hill, Oregon
You need to work on the melody. you have a pattern that goes
da da da da da da da da da da da

over and over and over and over again... and the chorus barely varies. You are killing a pretty good lyric with a really tedious melody. The playing is good so you should be able to do it. At the very least, find an alternative melody for the second two lines in each verse. It's very hard in print to explain melody. I wish we had a way to sing or hum a melody that was as quick as typing, because this is not a hard problem to solve.

Boss man laid me off down the plant the other day
I got a wife and kids and one on the way

There's lots of folks rowin' that same boat (change this melody line)
With all their might try'n to stay afloat (and this)

In do re mi form here is the what you are doing over and over again:

do so so so so so so so la so so me so

You are singing in the key of A and you voice sings the "E" note in that scale 10 out of the 13 notes in each line of every verse!
Have you ever heard the term "droning on"? Well that is the effect you create. This is a pretty easy fix. There are millions of alternative melodies for these line. I don't particularly think he is a great songwriter but Jason Blume is a songwriting teacher who released a CD explaining techniques for writing better melodies. You might benefit from that. And no, I am not Jason Blume.




"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
#913305 - 08/04/11 06:04 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Samuel Harris]  
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 985
IronKnee Offline
Top 500 Poster
IronKnee  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 985
Hawaii
Hey there rpirone...I really like the song, as a whole....there is an element,however, of "bitterness" in the lyric that rubs me.
The production is awesome, non-the-less!! A real toe tapper.
-Tom

#913318 - 08/04/11 07:23 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: IronKnee]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
rpirone Offline
Serious Contributor
rpirone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
Pennsylvania
Cognac

They say you should write what you know.

If you detect a note of bitterness, it's probably because I wrote it after being unemployed for over 2 years.

Thankfully that is no longer the case.

#913321 - 08/04/11 07:29 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Samuel Harris]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
rpirone Offline
Serious Contributor
rpirone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
Pennsylvania
Sam:

I agree with what you're saying. I'm not a musician. I have absolutely no musical training whatsoever. I couldn't tell an F-minor from an F-adult.

I write a lyric and then come up with a melody. I sing it into a cassette and send it off to the demo studio with my arrangement instructions. In this case, the singer homogenized my melody a little more than usual, eschewing some of the inflections and accents in the original melody.

Rich

#913354 - 08/05/11 12:06 AM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 945
Jen Warner Offline
Serious Contributor
Jen Warner  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 945
Ohio
Hi, Rich! Some great feedback already, and I agree with a lot of it.

It may be too late at this stage for what I'm about to say, but for what it's worth:

Most people aren't going to be reading the lyrics while listening, so they aren't going to see the end of your quotation marks in V2. Thus, when listening, it sounds like the singer is saying that the entire V2 is what the Bible says. To me, that is a pretty significant area that would need to be much more distinct in its delivery.

I'd suggest a simple change such as this to correct it maybe:

I know the Bible says "And this too shall pass"
"The last shall be first and the first shall be last"
I SAY the first have all they'll ever need
While the last are left to sweat and plead...

Good luck with it!

--Jen


The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.--Mark Twain
#913570 - 08/05/11 07:12 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Jen Warner]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
rpirone Offline
Serious Contributor
rpirone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
Pennsylvania
Jen:

That quote from the Bible is pretty well known. It didn't occur to me that someone might think that the last 2 lines of the verse were part of Scripture. But, nonetheless, I like your idea quite a bit.

Thanks
Rich

#913631 - 08/05/11 10:52 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 838
Todd Strachan Offline
Top 500 Poster
Todd Strachan  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 838
Detroit Michigan
Really nice Rich! I like the lyrics and the music is great. Glad to hear you are back to work! Good luck with this! And Jen gave you some good advice, many peoples knowledge of the Bible is casual at best!

Todd


Everything we have has come from you, and we
give you only what you have already given us!

1 Chronicles 29:14


www.soundclick.com/toddgstrachan
#913869 - 08/06/11 07:53 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Todd Strachan]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
rpirone Offline
Serious Contributor
rpirone  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
Pennsylvania
Todd:

Appreciate the kind words.

Thanks
Rich

#1161795 - 02/24/20 08:04 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 2,169
Fdemetrio Online content
Top 200 Poster
Fdemetrio  Online Content
Top 200 Poster

Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 2,169
Nice solid recording and tune, where ya been?

#1162523 - 03/29/20 10:28 AM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,481
E Swartz Offline
Top 100 Poster
E Swartz  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,481
Ohio
Fde,

Did you bump this song from 2011, or did rp?

No matter, I really enjoyed this modern country production--good stuff, great hook, arrangement, melody, performance. RP are you still around?

steady-eddie


Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Membership
Join Just Plain Folks
to receive the free
JPNotes Newsletter!
*this is separate from
message board registration*

Newest Members
jonwillhick, Gigi2, FrancisFung, satyre, Quella
21266 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums116
Topics120,374
Posts1,132,265
Members21,266
Average Posts Daily31
Most Online37,523
Jan 25th, 2020
Just Plain Quotes
"You really shouldn't listen too much to your positive press or your negative press. Both are probably inaccurate. But if you find you must heed the opinions of others, why not choose the 80% who love you?" -Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
robsoncompositor (57)
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.0