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#1161715 - 02/21/20 11:56 AM Cheap Rooms  
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 113
rubysshoes Offline
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rubysshoes  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 113
columbus ohio
By request, for deej56..
This is a bare bones acapella version of Cheap Rooms, mostly done for my bandmates to chart. I don't play an instrument and can't read or write music, so I sing em, they chart em!
Forgive the drifting camera angle and the boo boos. You'll get the drift!

https://youtu.be/WIVcLpyaKQQ


There are no more new frontiers..
We have got to make it here
#1161733 - 02/22/20 01:05 PM Re: Cheap Rooms [Re: rubysshoes]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,601
Gary E. Andrews Online content
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Gary E. Andrews  Online Content
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Joined: Dec 2006
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Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
Regarding Melody: I read somewhere one of the most common Publisher 'rejection' explanations is, "Too little contrast between Verse and Chorus."
The function of Verses is to set the scene, set the stage with visuals and props, ideas that create the 'world' the Singer-Character lives in. The function of the Chorus is to deliver the 'punch' line, the main idea of the story. "Cheap Rooms" is a good one. We get the idea immediately. Melody, upping the pitch of the notes, gives the voice a more emotionally urgent sound, signalling that this IS the punch line, the main idea. Examine your Melody to see if you're satisfied with the contrast, if the emotion of that very fine metaphor of 'shoulder to cry on' conveys the appropriate emotional intensity of the ideas in the Chorus. Your band can give you a different chord at that point than the one they're using in the Verse to supply that effect.
Regarding Lyric: Coherent storyline. Lines set up for and support the Chorus.

4:31 cuts by 45 seconds in your introductory talk. Leaving 3:46.

Cheap Rooms By Rubyshoes.
(0:45)
V1
I've slept in cheap rooms
With no sheets and no bibles
I've dabbled with demons
That passed for disciples ('That' or 'Who'?)
I've wallowed in self doubt (enunciate that last word more clearly.)
And Mexican beer (enunciation. Make sure they hear it, and get it.)
I followed some white lines
Till I broke down here
(1:17) minus 45

V2
I don't have a road map
Or itinerary
There's only so much
An old man can carry
The engine stops running
The wheels stops turning (stop/stops)
Then you start mourning (The Singer-Character switches from talking about himself to philosophizing to us all, 'I' to 'you'. Would it be stronger if it said, "Then I start mourning" (and enunciate 'mourning' clearly.)
The daylight you're burning (The daylight I'M burning.)
!:45 (minus 0:45 = 1:00 minute, just about ideal for getting to the Chorus. I was wondering how long it took to deliver 16 Lines in the Verses.)

Chorus:
This road has a shoulder (Clever.) (Line begins at 1:47 minus 0:45, 1:02. That's just about right under the 'rule', and Andy Rasmussen teaches that 'Rules are tools', "Don't bore us! Get to the Chorus!")
It's letting me cry on
Since there's not a soul here (enunciation)
That I can rely on
If wishes were horses (This Line might benefit from using the more intense emotional Melody of the first Line of the Chorus.)
This fool would be ridin
Till I found another cheap room I can hide in
(Till I find some (plural) Cheap Rooms I can hide in.)
(1:32)

V3
The trash on the sidewalk
Is telling a story
Of pissed away dreams (Even this slight obscenity, which is gaining acceptance on TV news and sitcoms, may be objectionable to some 'consumers', radio, labels, artists, the general public.)
And unrealized glory
It blows down the alley
And rests in the corner
And it keeps me wonderin' (Delete 'And')
What I was born for
(2:06)

Vs 4
If all I keep finding
Are walls to impede me
And blows from the hand
That had promised to feed me (Do you need the word 'had'?)
I might as well walk back
The way that I came
And see if somebody
remembers my name
(3:20) minus 0:45 = 2:35

Chorus:
This road has a shoulder
It's letting me cry on
Since there's not a soul here
That I can rely on
If wishes were horses
This fool would be ridin
Till I found another cheap room I can hide in
(3:15)

Vs 5
My suitcase is empty
My soul's wearing thinner
There's regrets for breakfast
And road dust for dinner (great Line!)
I'm too broke for whiskey
And too dry for cryin' (Instead of 'And', maybe another 'I'm'.)
Maybe I'll find
A cheap room I can die in (Keeping it plural, "Some Cheap Rooms I can die in.)
(3:46)
Adding 10-14 seconds for an Introductory Movement, back to 4 minutes. And any Coda adds a few seconds more. I recommend experimenting with the tempo, seeing if it will still play as emotionally plaintively as the story merits, at a little faster delivery. Experiment.
There's a Columbus, Ohio Forum down the main page. You might want to advertise any shows you're doing, any shows or events you just want to promote, drawing Viewers to come back and check this site from time to time to see what's happening in the Columbus world.

Last edited by Gary E. Andrews; 02/22/20 01:06 PM.

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1161746 - 02/22/20 10:19 PM Re: Cheap Rooms [Re: Gary E. Andrews]  
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 113
rubysshoes Offline
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rubysshoes  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 113
columbus ohio
Gary, thank you! Your critique is thorough and thoughtful, and I totally agree with just about all of them, especially correcting "that passed" and saying "who passed" instead. I'm not usually that careless with grammar!

I see you are from Portsmouth! My old stomping ground. My family is all from Southern Ohio and WV, and my bandmate James Vanfossen is from Wheelersburg. We just might all have to jam together sometime!


There are no more new frontiers..
We have got to make it here
#1161758 - 02/23/20 08:22 AM Re: Cheap Rooms [Re: rubysshoes]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,601
Gary E. Andrews Online content
Top 200 Poster
Gary E. Andrews  Online Content
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,601
Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
Looking forward to that!
Yes, there's grammar considerations there, but also the difference between the vague concept of 'that' versus 'who'.
'Who' makes it a person whereas 'that', well, as I said, just kind of a vague word. Subtle differences can enrich a Lyric and its effect on the reader/listener.
I'll say hello to these Southern Ohio hills for y'all. All o' y'all!
The Foothills Folk Society hosts an open mic at Cross Keys Tavern in Chillicothe, first and third Wednesdays, 17 East Main Street (I think), if you're exploring your region. There seem to be several places there with live music.
I heard a guy on National Public Radio saying he was making a six-figure income working a region from his home base. Not trying to go global; just a region.


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1161761 - 02/23/20 03:07 PM Re: Cheap Rooms [Re: Gary E. Andrews]  
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 113
rubysshoes Offline
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rubysshoes  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 113
columbus ohio
My band, HillbillySwitch, is in the process of working these songs up, and hopefully we will be ready to play out in a month or so. Open mic's will be our first foray out on the world, so I will definitely put that one on the list! I'll give you a heads up if we get down there!


There are no more new frontiers..
We have got to make it here
#1161771 - 02/23/20 10:58 PM Re: Cheap Rooms [Re: rubysshoes]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,195
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,195
Ruby,

First off, and I totally digress, but "HillbillySwitch" is a great name for a band. You've got a great tone to your voice--I'll really look forward to hearing you sing this on the produced version. Gary has a point about making sure the chorus is sufficiently differentiated from the verse . . . this vocal only version doesn't clearly distinguish them, but when you put it to music, I think it will be just fine, assuming the instrumentals are additive in the chorus. Again, really sweet lyric--nicely sung here. Share the final with us when you can . . . and good luck with it!

All my best,

Deej

#1161774 - 02/23/20 11:13 PM Re: Cheap Rooms [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 113
rubysshoes Offline
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rubysshoes  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 113
columbus ohio
Thanks, Deej, the band name was inspired by my tendency to get "Logan County" on people.. they flip my Hillbilly Switch grin


There are no more new frontiers..
We have got to make it here

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